Dear Rob,

You came out of hiding!!! Congratulations are in order for your parents I assume. I’m pretty sure Clare had had enough of your nasty shoes being all over and couch and you refusing to shower on the regular probably made keeping the windows open a necessity and with it being freezing ass cold I’m sure everyone’s ready for you to step out for an hour or so. So with an alert on my phone and a spring in my step I jumped out of bed ready to Break It Down with UC.

Is there anything else to say but: Let’s Do This!!!
Moon

Lizzy um I mean VICTORIA tricking Rob into leaving the house

The one where we figure out It’s Not LIZZY! (said in the “They’re NOT bears!” voice)
Moon: can we first talk about the title of the post?! “rob out with sister LIZZY” what about DICK?!
UC: and PS i’m pretty sure that’s NOT lizzy. she has better style that’s Victoria. Victoria wears cashmere, fringey coats and platform boots
Moon: they look like twins but youre right she doesnt really look like lizzy
UC: she looks older
Moon: older sister is ready to throw down with the paps in that one pic. maybe SHE started her own RESPECT the pattz campaign
UC: called RESPECT CLAUDIA
Moon: Claudia! nice call! twi nerd of the day award for you
UC: thanks! ps a little google search finds me this picture
that’s DEF not lizzy in these pictures. victoria is more plain than lizzy
Moon: victoria fooled the paps! she is a crafty one. older siblings are like that!
c
c
The one where we figure out what’s REALLY going on, like the new shrubs

Omg look at that shrub Ron, is that a ficus or an african violet?

Moon: so here’s what i think is happening in these pictures: the pattinson family all agreed that rob needed some new clothes in a BAD BAD way
UC: they know someone in the family who owns a cashmere shop
Moon: so victoria lures him out tell him theyre going to grab some beers or maybe hit a bookstore and then dick opens the door to the prius or whatever car that is and victoria throws him in and they drive off to the store. dicks like ROB we’re just going to Mervyns/khols you NEED a new sweater. youre wearing like 10 shirts and my old windbreaker right now.
UC: and those jeans from the HP days you’re getting really handy with a sewing kit but… they’re falling apart
Moon: exactly he is in desperate need of something made in the last 5 years
UC: and Victoria’s like “I’ll bring my fancy jacket and a cashmere skirt in gray” so we can call him Claudia while he tries on a new sweater. Ps the fam has big feet
Moon: shes got big feet
Moon: jinx
UC: of course!
Moon: her coat is like all kinds of insane. A wookie died for that coat
UC: it’s clearly from a trunk of Claires where they used to pull clothes to dress Rob up in. do you think we’re looking at the Pattinson residence in South Barnes? I’d like to think so
Moon: yea i think they came out the front door or maybe nana’s house
UC: look at the way those bushes are up around the front. (she has a great ass) I think Dick planted them to lure Rob to spend a little time at home
Moon: victorias pointing out the new shrubbery Dick put in while he warms up the car
to trick him. this is clearly a diversion tactic. and her ass is fantastic and she is TALL!
Moon: do you think Victoria was in Clare’s Barbazon school of modeling like rob?
UC: yes! However, I think Dick sold a few extra Porsche’s to get all those photos confiscated. they learned their lesson from the zygote rob fiasco
c

Want to learn more about Barnes? Want to see Rob’s new wardrobe in 5 years? Follow the jump

If you missed Part 1 of “Rob’s top 10 moments of 2009,” make sure you read it first!

Dear Rob,

Did I forget to mention Cannes when recapping your 2009 yesterday? Really? REALLY!? I’m so sorry. How could I forget your “I’m trying to be a cool dad” polo-shirt and the morning you read the newspaper to Stephanie Ritz and how I fell in love with the French paparazzi as they called out “Robear, Robear” to you? I’m sorry. You’ll see that added on the poll today as we vote for the “top 10 moments of 2009 for Robert Pattinson.” Plus here’s a video recapping your time at Cannes that I’m pretty sure will make you forgive me:

Here’s a quick refresher on what you were up to in the latter part of 2009:

-you had a summer to remember in NYC and we have thousands upon thousands of pictures to remember it by, as well. we tried to figure out what Remember Me was about, and you discovered that while wearing the trucker hat from the hotel gift bag doesn’t hide you from the paps, it does give you a ‘hat hair’ look you enjoy- plus you save money on hair gel.

-your fame grows to a level unprecedented (and by “unprecedented” I mean to a level that can be expected for a famous person since, well, you’re famous.) and girls run after you, paps chase you down the street because you refuse to change your outfit and, therefore, are the most recognizable man, next to the naked cowboy, in NYC.

-a new holiday is minted when a “Rob overload” is declared on July 17th.

-the philosophy of the pattinson pants lady, who was discovered and fallen for many months before, was discussed, at length, in our first, full-feature interview with the brilliant (fake) lady herself.

They'll never know

-you decide to throw us a fast one and wear a new shirt to the teen choice awards. little do you know, we know so much about you we should be institutionalized and we know it’s the shirt your friend Marcus sweated in at a show the night before. We consider for a split second that maybe that makes us want to have sex with you less, but then we remember GQ-Rob and forget that split second.

-you learn how to text

-you take a cab ride with your friends Kristen and Marcus and then forget about it 2 seconds after closing the cab door while we never will forget and robsten fans all over the globe still remember intimate details of the day they heard about the “Robsten Cab ride” and begin all conversations with the question, “WHERE WERE YOU WHEN IT HAPPENED!?”

-we consider, yet again, what if weren’t famous but were, instead, a wedding crasher?

Read the rest, after the jump!

Dear Rob,

Man. What a year you’ve had. I think you’ve filmed at 3 movies, been in at least 7 different countries, released 3 movies, bought 2 new shirts, stole a pair of pants off a set, kissed at least two different girls, drank 758 bottles of Heineken, ate 323 boxes of hot pockets and lied about Kristen & your relationship at least 2700 times. Are you exhausted? I thought I’d do something unique that no one is doing and make a top 10 list of your 2009 photographs/photoshoots, but then I got bored and figured everyone would be doing that. So then I decided to just pick the top Rob moments of 2009. That was NOT an easy task. In fact, I couldn’t do it. First of all I went back through all our old letters to you (yes, all of them) and got distracted remembering the good old days when Moon wrote fan fic and it only used to take me 10 minutes to write a letter. Then I realized that picking the top 10 moments on my own was impossible.

I was perusing the comments on a letter to you the other day and noticed robgirl86’s comment filling someone in on your life in the past 30 days. She wrote:

-he was out with the Britpack
-he drank some beer
-he did a new Pap-film
-others fighted for his rights
-there was/is a HUGE “We-fight-for-Rob-campaign”
-he drank some more beer
-he got maybe swine flu
-he will marry Kate Perry
-he has not shaved
-he is back in London

I decided that was IT! I am going to recap 2009 for you to reminisce, and at the end hopefully we can come up with your top 10 moments of this past year! In no particular order (but kinda chronological)……

Your best friend of 2009?

-you partied with a young boy for New Years 2009

-you disappeared for awhile in London and we got so bored that we started playing with a lame plastic version of you

-you did some stuff in London that we can’t remember so it was obviously not important and while you was gone we began the amazing Rob-porn for women

–you showed up to the Oscars, possibly without any underwear on, and waved to a fan/your mom/a special needs fan/me while harps played

-for about 3 hours on a particular boring day we tried to figure out if you were commando in a trailer for little ashes

-you went to Vancouver and turned into a dad

–you pose for GQ. The world ends. Then you make a sad face for GQ. We’re depressed for days while making lists thinking of things to help you cheer up

-the twilight commentary is released providing us with plenty of Robisms to last the rest of the year. We promise to ‘break it down” and never do, disappointing millions of people across the globe about 25 people.

-you’ve made it! You have a fake persona on twitter (fakerpattz). he makes us laugh with his perfect portrayal of you as well as the fact that by choosing the name “Fakerpatz” which clearly means Fake R Pattz he confuses the rest of the faker community into becoming Faker-something. (fakernick, fakerstephanie, fakerparis, fakerpattypattz) which makes us laugh. hard

-you introduce us to The Tuck

do I post the picture of The Tuck? Do I ? Do I? Find out after the jump!

Dear LTR-ers,

It’s Christmas weekend and we know you’re busy, full, going crazy and maybe needing a little break… so how about some Rob porn to get you through the craziness? Take a minute and enjoy…

(you’ll put your eye out!)

Follow the cut for a little more Rob porn!

Dear Rob,

Please put on your Christmas sweater and then come on over here so we can cuddle while I read you this Christmas story we received the other day.

Love,
UC

Twas the night before Christmas by Poochimama

Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
I was reading old LTR’s,
And I was totally soused.

The Pocket-Edward was placed,
By the chimney with care,
In hopes that the real thing,
Might somehow show up there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Which means I’m too old to have this kind of thing running through my head.
With Robporn on the screen of the computer in my lap,
I knew I’d sprain my eyes again before taking a nap.

Read the rest… after the J-U-M-P!

click to enlarge and print out for your fridge

Dear Rob and our wonderful LTR readers,

Today’s Christmas so instead of sitting here and reading a letter we thought we’d send a Christmas card instead. We’ve loved writing for you all year and look forward to bringing in the New Year with a bang! Now go out and enjoy being with your family and friends. We’ll be featuring some fun posts this weekend with the help of our great gals in the forum so check back when you’re stuffed on leftovers and need a little break from your creepy uncle Rob and pestering aunt Edna.

Merry Christmas!!
Moon and UC

PS Don’t miss out on our LTT Christmas Card!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

Dear Rob and LTR-ers,

So what started out as the beginnings of an epic video for you all turned into a regular post cause of total video FAIL. We need a hot dude to be our video/music editor whore intern. But I digress… so you know how we started posting Christmas songs but have Rob-ized them? Well, this Christmas eve is no different! Today we’ve made over that nouveau Christmas classic “All I want for Christmas is you” by the diva herself Mariah Carey. So get your diva hand ready and your pipes warmed up…

From the hit record...

All I Want For Christmas is Rob

I dont want a lot for Christmas
There is just one guy I need
I dont care about the flannels underneath the Christmas tree
I just want Rob for my own
More than Stew could ever know
Make my wish come true
Santa all I want for Christmas is Rob

I dont want a lot for Christmas there is just one guy I need
And I dont care about the Nike’s underneath the Christmas tree
I don’t need to Tweet on Twitter or post on the forum boards
Santa Claus will make me happy with a Rob on Christmas day
And I just want Rob for my own
More than Stew could ever know
Make my wish come true
Oh Robbie all I want for Christmas is you, Rob baby

I won’t ask for much this Christmas
Just for you to be with me
I’m just gonna keep on waiting
For you to break up with HER
She can’t even buy you liquor
or drink at the bars all night
It’s not fair she shares your covers,
holed up in your room all night
‘Cause I just want Rob here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Robbie all I want for Christmas is you
Rob…

This will pair nicely with a flannel shirt misbuttoned just so...

All Goodwills closed early
No dirty clothes to wear
The liquor stores are closed,
but I have his favorite beer
The smokes are on the back porch
Hot pockets in the oven…
Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need –
won’t you please bring my Robbie to me…

Oh I don’t want a lot for Christmas
Plaid is all I’m asking for
I just want to see my Robbie
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than Stew could ever know
Make my wish come true
Robbie all I want for Christmas is
You…

Follow the cut to sing along with us…

“Robbie Baby”

*Hey friends, it’s Christmas week and to get us into the spirit of the season we’re going to be reworking some classic Christmas songs. Today’s is brought to us by the lovely, funny, witty, rad Calli. Just try not to blush, I dare you!*

Robbie Baby has got some mistletoe and a "package" he'd like to give you for being naughty

(aka “The Time Calli Wrote a Song and Got Uncomfortable”**)

(To the Tune of “Santa Baby”)

Buh-bum.. buh-bum…
Robbie Baby, just slip yourself under the tree, for me
Promise I won’t fangirl
Robbie baby, so make your way to see me tonight

Robbie baby, wear a mismatched button down too, light blue,
I’ll be waiting right here,
Robbie baby, come hide from papz at my place tonight

Kristen might be a little pissed,
but Rob your jawline’s begging to be kissed
one little peck and then i’ll be good
Just let me check you off my Christmas list

Robbie baby, give me watcha got cuz your oh, so hot
Been lovin you for a year
robbie baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Ho, Ho, Vodka

robbie honey, so maybe one more thing i need, the deed
want to have you as mine,
robbie baby, so climb on into my bed tonight

robbie cutie, and fill my evening with tastes of your neck and pecks,
on you I’d like to dine
robbie cutie, come get your kicks with me tonight

Come and trim my chirstmas tree,
With some crocked smiles meant for only me

Fine, I admit I obsesses over you,
‘just think that we are meant to be

Robbie baby, forgot to mention one little thing, I wanna Scream,
I don’t mean for the Team,
Robbie baby, so climb up in my chimney tonight 😉

climb up in my chimney tonight
Climb, tonight.
c
Now sing along…

Follow the cut to see a note from Calli to Rob…

Handing over the reigns (ha- unintentional Santa joke) today to AJ, as she asks Rob & Robsten for her Christmas wish…

Dear Rob,

Even if you and Kstew still get some kind of Andy Kaufman-esque kick out of being sneaky hiding your “not-really-forbidden-so-get-over-it” love from the world, you should know that you aren’t fooling me.

I get it, I really do. You’re into mystery, you said it yourself.  Most guys are. And I realize that you are also somewhat of a not-so-secret paranoid misanthrope. Or at least want us to believe that you are. Again, I dig.

But really, you’re going about this the wrong way. Surely you see that the longer you ‘keep it in the closet’ (that’s what Tomstu said) about you and the K, the more anticipation builds in the fandom and the more attention that you ultimately end up getting. (Duh Rob…DUH)

Since that is the antithesis of what you two “claim” to want, and since all that I “claim” to want is to see you happy (but secretly I just want you to do things to me that you probably haven’t even learned how to do properly yet), I am offering you this helpful guide as to how to reveal your relationship status without causing a riot. And what better time of year would it be to confess your secrets than around Christmas? Christmas is for giving and finally putting truth to the rumors is the best gift of all. (Okay, it’s the second best gift of all. You learning how to do those things that I want you to do to me and then doing them to me would be the best gift of all)

I am suggesting that you reveal your relationship status by giving us the real scoop when it comes to all of the “firsts” that you and Kstew have already enjoyed in your non-forbidden romance. Here we go:

When You First Met:

Explain to the world that the first time that you met Kristen, the two of you were led into the bedroom of Cathy the Cougar with promises of candy and dollies and starring roles in teenage vampire flicks. You were then made to make-out for hours while Cathy filmed it for her personal collection audition purposes. Tell us how she made Jackson stay and hold her hand the entire time and how he cried a little. Finally admit to the world that the entire experience left you feeling like “creepy Uncle Rob” and that you still need to write Stephanie Meyer that “Thank You” note for the strong “no sex before marriage” message in Twilight, as that was the argument that proved successful against the Coug’s urging that you “explore the role on a deeper level right now in my bedroom with a seventeen year old girl.”

When You First Kissed: See above.

First Meal with the Folks:

Explain to the world how excited you were the first time that you sat down to dinner with your lovely parents Richard and Clare. Admit to us that you suspect that your Dad might have checked out Kristen’s ass a bit while he was pulling out her chair for her.  Then admit to us that Kristen really pigged out because she’d just finished smoking a fatty. Tell us how your Mom noticed and decided it was the right time to question Kstew about the “pot-kini pic.” Explain how embarrassed you got and how you whined: “come on Mum…geez…give her a break she’s American” until Mum let the issue slide.  Then tell us about how Kristen dropped the F-bomb so many times that at last your Mum was forced to tell her: “We are English dear…we do not use the F-word at the dinner table.”

In top stories tonight: Robsten or Nonsten, fact or fiction?! I debunk the myth!

Dear Rob,

I saw these pictures over at Robsessed and KNEW I had to write a newsdump for today. This awkward newscaster set-up for an interview was just begging for me to photoshop you as “Bob Pattinson, Newscaster.” Regardless if there’s any really important news about you right now that doesn’t really matter… all that matter are these AMAZING picture of you as a news reporter in a tweed coat. WIN!

A look at some of the truly absurb, funny, and dumb stories in the world of Rob that we simply don’t have enough hours in the day to write letters about

• Rob was turned down to play the lead in a film called DOGGING: A UK Love Story

which is a film about public sex… does anyone really want to see pasty white brits get it on on park benches, in buses or say… behind the dumpster??? Well, now that you put it that way…

• Katy Perry doesn’t DO vampires! Sucks to be her.

• Every the classy gentleman Rob wears a shirt to that chicks birthday party that both honors women AND reminds us schedule our monthly waxing appointment.

I’ve never wanted to do any of the things I talk about on this blog with my cousins… but Anna Kendrick does…

who the ef compares Rob or Taylor to their cousin?! Yucks-magoo!

• Rob is SO thrilled to be giving back during the Holidays. Just take a look at his face you couldn’t keep him away from helping out a charity! So which crazy Cougar Twi fan will be telling their husband they want a vintage guitar thats for sell on ebay for Christmas?

Rob’s top 5 tips for dumping a girl…

He forgot: stop letting her hold your wrist in public

It's 10 O'clock do you know where your children are?

And that’s the news tonight! Now back to you Bob!

Goodnight and Good luck!
Themoonisdown

What’s the best Rob news? Did we miss any news that everyone should know? Are you going to schedule your waxing appt now?

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter