Psst: This is a good article to read before you read today’s post How to tell if someone is being sarcastic
What the H is going on with all these peeps thinking that all the pics & rumors about you and Kristen lately are proof that you guys are together? It’s so obvious to us what is really going on. With the help of our Robsten expert, Calliope, Moon & I are going to uncover, once & for all, the truth behind all the rumors of this past week and 1/2.
UC: Rob was seen leaving her parent’s house in the valley
Moon: he LOVES the valley. who doesn’t love temperatures in the 100s?!
UC: the line is shorter at In-n-out than the one in Hollywood
Moon: Valley= more suburban moms, more chances for run-ins with twi moms
Calliope: he just wanted to hit the open road mannnnnn- he was just doing what the GPS told him to do
UC: the GPS had a comforting British voice- reminded him of Mum
Calliope: he kept turning the wrong way because he liked the way it said “recalculating”
Moon: he drove in circles all night
The Cab Ride (aka “when the shit hit the fan.” Or the “made the world of twidom explode” cab ride. Or “The day I did zero work at work” cab ride. Lastly the “Don’t shoot the messenger” cab ride.) Here are our collective guesses:
- Kristen’s really with Marcus
- Kstew LOVES folky whiny music and Rob knew someone playing some that night
- Kstew gave them directions, and they didn’t think it was right to not invite her
- Marcus makes fake ids and he made one for Kstew
- She’s an LA native she knows her way around so she was being helpful. Plus they’re British and the steering wheel is on the other side. So they get confused going out alone.
- They thought kstew WAS bobby long and were driving him to the show cause he was late. The mullet was in her eyes.
- Since Kristen was the last in the cab, it’s cause they forgot her- they ran out without her. They thought she was bobby still playing the set. And they were trying to escape without her. They wanted some alone time. Cuz she’s the girl who tags along even when you don’t invite her. Like the annoying little sister. Who has a crush on Marcus. She didn’t go to high school and didn’t get these social cues. She’s like an awkward homeschool kid.
- They wanted free cab fare so they brought her along to flash some nip to the cabbie- too bad the cabbie thought it was a dude nip. She had on her slutty bella walmart tank on under her unisex shirt
Proved Next (after the jump- do it!)
UC: The rumor is that they went back to the hotel…. and Marcus left abound 1 am- The crazy people are calling this PROOF of Robsten. But we know it’s not…
Calliope: they got her TOO drunk at the show and had to bring her back
Moon: she blacked out in the elevator and rode up and down the chateau till 6am when she was seen leaving
Calliope: Rob didn’t want to send her home to momma stew because he KNEW he’d return to The Couve one ball less then the last time he was there
Moon: nope so he left her in the elevator and blacked out in HIS room
UC: Mama Stew means business
Calliope: Rob and Marcus played rock, papers, scissors for 3 grueling hours until they figured out who was the loser and had to take care of her ORRRR they had a guitar-off- the last one to stop strumming had to hold back the mullet
Moon: they played till someone finally out-sadded the other one
UC: Marcus won, obviously. And once Kstew started spewing vomit… he high-tailed it outta there
Calliope: then rpattz had to lend her a shirt
Proved This is too easy
UC: Please tell me more about this shirt, Calliope
Calliope: the morning she left the hotel she wore a shirt that said “i❤ mustache” And it had a picture of a mustache (No, Moon, it’s not her shout out to Charlie/Billy Burke) I had to look it up- the phrase, “i heart mustache” is synonymous with a girl sitting on a dudes face… (you can fill in the blank) Well, it’s Rob’s shirt- that Nikki Reed gave him. She said, “If you don’t want me you must be gay” So Rob gave it to KStew to wear knowing that Nikki salivates over tabloid pics, and she would think that Kristen & Rob were sleeping together. Plus her shirt from the night before had vomit all over it from the elevator rides- so she needed to borrow something.
UC: You’re right. Rob wanted to make Nikki mad. Cuz the truth is, Rob is jealous. Of Nikki & Paris Lastis. Since Paris is rich
Calliope: and greek and tan
UC: And a shipping heir. Rob likes boats.
Moon: and his HAIR- Rob wants to dye his hair half blond and start a bad early 90s r&b group
UC: And Rob’s always wanted to be a little man in a boat
Calliope: and if there is nothing Rob would love to be more in life… it’s hairier
Proved Give us something hard (that’s what she said)
Calliope: fri they went to Marcus show with Rob’s manager, Nick Frenkel & his wife.
UC: Do you think Kristen is into Nick?
Calliope: i think that Nick and his wife are trying to court Rob and Kris- they are kinky like that
Moon: Nick’s wife LOVES young dudes who look like old men and sing folk music
UC: right.. The Frenkels want Kris & Rob to ‘put their keys in a bowl’
Moon: Nick and his wife are their couple’s accountability partners
Calliope: Maybe she’s trying really hard to be a lezzi for momma stew since momma stew never wanted a daughter. And that’s why she keeps taking in all the riff raff boys into her home.
Moon: What’s Rob gonna do up in The couve? She’s gonna want to play scissor sisters and he’s gonna be stuck reading a book off the boringest books ever published list on amazon
Proved I’m about as bored as someone reading one of Rob’s books…
After the Marcus Show
UC: According to the ever-so-reliable Life & Style, they went back to the hotel Cheateau around 10:30 pm and held hands, made-out over french fries and Rob let down his inhibitions. Do you think he did a naked table dance?
Moon: It was for the Chateau’s weekly board game night!!!!!!!!!
UC: ohhhh they were playing charades! They had to make the people guess who they were acting as. Category: celebrities
Moon: she got the phrase “fake girlfriend”
UC: and so they kissed (Rob dry heaved) and someone guessed right- RobSTEN
Calliope: except Rob kept charading in British English and Kristen in American English- he got the word “rubber,” and she got the word “condom.” So it led to a whole lot of assumptions
Moon: Marcus and the paps were SO confused (it’s so nice when they let the paps in to play charades with them)
Calliope: he mimicked rolling on a condom and she yelled out CONDOM, and then he kept mimicking and she kept yelling “Rob” and “CONDOM,” and then he started to do it phonetically and started to RUB HER (get it? Rubber= RUB HER?) It made for quite the comical outburst after the crazy charades.
Moon: So then they gave up and played twister
Calliope: in which they fell on top of each other in heaps of laughter
UC: there was this Armenian pap.. He did this impression of an Italian pap… it’s what put them over the edge
Moon: and she was giving him mouth to mouth cause he was laughing so hard.
Calliope: and the paps mistook it for sex
UC: Well, we clearly know what THAT was about
UC: This is a tough one. Robsteners went crazy. Apparently… K touched his leg…but…that’s cuz.. he got ketchup on his jeans. It was near his crotch. and she was like “ew. ketchup near your peen” and then she dry heaved cuz she said “peen” while talking to Rob (and that’s like remembering your dad has a peen)
Moon: It’s a British Bistro/hotel and Rob and Marcus wanted to show the YANKS a little bit about Jolly Old England
Calliope: according to US Weekly they were flirty and she threw that napkin laying on the ground next to him in some of those pics at him
UC: she was like “you’re a dirty nasty boy with a nasty dirty peen- use this napkin”
Moon: she threw it cause she wanted to cover up his face, and hoped it would hit Marcus too so she could have more time with the random girl.
Calliope: maybe Rob wanted to show her every place he did it with Megan Fox and Camilla Belle
UC: yes..he rubbing it in her face since K is into those chicks. Cuz they’re hot… you gotta admit
PROVEN Done and done
Moon: they were practicing for the summit re-release of romeo and juliet
Calliope: they were dropping water balloons on anyone wearing more than $30 worth of clothes
UC: Then Rob told K the mullet made her look like an old hairy dude from the hills of west virginia, and she threw a balloon at him- then he threw one at her. That’s when they changed shirts.
Calliope: Right- they went in to towel each other off because they are good friends and don’t want to get sick since they’ll soon be making out on set in The Couve and one’s germs would soon be the others- So they de-shirted, toweled off and put on new shirts. Then went back to the balcony.
UC: it was kinda like de-shirting w/ a guy cuz of her small boobs- not a big deal to Rob.
Moon: it was like Rob’s gym class in jr high
UC: right.. some of the guys were just a lil’ more feminine than the others
Calliope: and then Rob used the hotel menu to order hot chocolate because they were cold- I mean, they usually wear 7 layers at least.
UC: And flannel
Moon: And hats
Calliope: So one shirt each was making them chilled
Moon: plus 10 layers of grease- the dirt alone is enough to keep the warm on a breezy day
Calliope: K punched him in the stomach during the acceptance speach because he didn’t let her talk. He monopolized the mic
UC: It was really rude
Moon: She was angry because he didn’t introduce her to Megan Fox even after they talked about it friday night! And he promised to
UC: He swore to on his love for the ‘stache shirt, and he obviously lied. So the reason they left in the black Escalade together was because Kristen called Nick and was like “get me a big ass car w/ tinted windows… i’m kickin his ass”
Moon: They were really hoping someone would make a video set to clare de lune. Cause CLARE DE LUNE’s GREAT
UC: cuz every video of K kickin’ Rob’s ass needs to have a classical music soundtrack
Moon: Kristen got a lift to TRUXSTOP (lesbian bar in west hollywood)
Calliope: Rob wanted to pop water balloons on her skirt. He thought it would be fun.
Moon: as they were driving by truxstop they slowed down to 15 mph and she jumped out
UC: he did it- he threw a balloon out the window. The lesbians may have liked it when Kristen walked in all soaking wet.
Kings of Leon Concert pics
Calliope: Have guys ever been to a KOL concert? The place OOZES sex- like I wouldn’t be surprised if they pump pheromones and estrogen in through the air ducts
Moon: you get a shot when you walk in and a birth control pill from the usher
Calliope: i bet they have a room of people have sex and pump the air from that room into the stadium- there is that much sex. So… the air was all confusing to Rob & K, and they hadn’t showered in a long time, so no one else sat next to them (it’s another bet they’ve got going on)
Moon: And Rob is partially deaf in his right ear and KStew has to YELL in his ear so he can hear correctly
UC: he’s partially deaf because of the lack of showering- ears filled up with dirt.
Calliope: Then that guy sitting below them? He was trying to ruffie the girl he was with- till he realized she was a dude, so he switched the ruffied beer with Rob’s beer very discretely. They didn’t notice because they were busy smelling each other.
UC: and that’s when he went in for the kiss…. the almost kiss….
Moon: that pic were his face is in the shadow is where he passed out- Kellan had to carry him home
UC: right.. Kellan grabbed him. and Kristen was tired… so she pretended she took a sip too… and Taycob carried her home
Calliope: Kellan was so overcome with the sex air that he just started texting everyone in his phone book feverishly… asking for sex- It got awkward when TAYTAY turned around and winked
UC: then Ashley had Alex Meraz carry her home cuz she was like “Eff it- my hoo-hah was all over the interwebs.. I hooked up with Carrie Underwood’s sloppy seconds… I deserve to get it on with a wolf tonight”
Moon: it was actually an orgy- they all stumbled into the sex room on accident
UC: kellan, nikki… Kristen… Rob… all limply from the ruffies… and Caleb Followhill
Moon: thought it was the EXIT, but… it was the SEXit
Proved This was wayyy too easy
So there you have it Rob- now you and Kristen can go back to cleaning up each other’s throw-up, sharing each other’s shirts & hooking each other up with your hot friends… no one will question if you’re together anymore. We’ve just proved all the rumors WRONG.
Until next week when you’re caught shoving your tounge down Kristen’s throat (searching for the old antique ring you guys stole of Nikki Reeds as a joke, of course),
UnintendedChoice, theMoonisDown & Calliope
Wanna know where we really stand? We may have something for everyone here:
Moon: I’m a ‘don’t give a crapsten’ AND the LTR/LTT resident flip flopper. Somedays I think they are together, and somedays I don’t. Lately, I mostly think they are. (HIT IT!)
Calliope: I think they are together. And I like that they seem to make each other happy and relaxed. And I think that Xavier Samuel is what their love child would look like as a teenaged-boy.
UC: I’m completely of the “I don’t give a crapsten” camp, but I do think they are together- banging each other’s brains out, yes, but actually in a full-blown relationship. And I will forever hate Kristen because of my utter jealousy that she is with a man such as Rob, however I will also laugh because I have much hotter hair.