Posted by: Bekah | August 12, 2009

Rob Pattinson sends a text message

R U a F-A-K-E L-E-S-B-I-A-N?

R U a F-A-K-E L-E-S-B-I-A-N?

Dear Rob,

I recently read via a very credible source (showbiz spy via the national enquirer) that someone told them that you just can’t stop texting Kristen. This friend of yours (who must’ve swiped your AT&T wireless bill) said you text her upwards of 400 times a month. WHOA. That’s like 13.3333 times a day and 4,300 times a year.

After I read that, I pondered it for like 13.3333 seconds wondering, “What in the world does he text Kristen about? Does she text him back? Are they texts of friendship or are they texts of love? Who could have 4,300 texts worth of stuff to say to Kstew annually?” Then I realized it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what you text her. I have been cyber-stalking you since November, and I do pride myself on knowing every little detail about your life (wait? Is that pride? Or 1st-hand embarrassment?)

Here is a chronological sampling of some of the 8,400 texts you’ve probably sent Kristen in the last 21 months or so:

robert-pattinson-phone

H-E-Y uh hello? Operator? I'm trying to text...

“Hey it’s me Rob. Good to meet you. I hope I get the part. Put in a good word”
“Rob Pattinson…? From the audition an hour ago….?..at Catherine’s house…?”

“It was really good talking to you about the existential meaning of Stephenie Meyers’ work of literature”
“Oh. Yeah, I thought it was pretty bad too…”

“Fun hanging out with you tonight. Wish we could’ve had more time alone. Also wish Nikki didn’t barf on my nikes”

“Wait. You have a boyfriend?”

“Bella, it’s me Edward”

I  F-o-u-n-d  G-o-d

I F-o-u-n-d G-o-d

“Tell me the truth. Who is handsomer- me or Michael?”

“found a shirt in the trash outside the airport SCORE”

“you should leave Mike for me”

“do you think the new director will re-hire that small Indian kid? What was his name?”

“I wanna try one thing…”
“I know you said to stop. Sorry. I really promise this time not to ever say that again”

“Sorry….i usually last longer than it takes to type this text…”

“Skipped showering again today, you?”
“Yeah, I knew it. Saw a pap pic. Wanted 2c if u’d admit it”

“please? i swear I won’t leak them on the internet”

“have you seen my pants?”

Mom. I tried to text back but it took me 10 min. I lost Tom

Mom. I tried to text back but it took me 10 minutes. I lost Tom

“wanna have sex after rehearsal?”
“K then..wanna get hot pockets after rehearsal?”
“try out my room’s microwave?”

“i got a new shirt”
“yeah. thought you wouldn’t notice. It’s not new. It’s Marcus’ ”

“just got to The Coug. Are you here yet?”
“Oh. it’s The Couve?”

“Check out- naked pics of Ash! Haha. Kellan paid me $25 bucks to send them in anonymously. Stole them from Jackson”

Yeah… those sound right. Just 300-some variations of those every month. The only thing I can’t really get my head around is how in the world you figured out how to text on your old-school cell phone (the jitterbug, right?) I didn’t know those phones had that capability. Your fingers must really cramp up. And that’s usually a good thing…..

L-E-T-S  D-I-R-T-Y  T-E-X-T,
UnintendedChoice

Seriously. If this story is in anyway true, what in the world do you think Rob texts Kristen? Discuss below!

Then text stuff via your computer device on The Forum
Oh- and a letter to someone NEW over on LTT

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Responses

  1. “Told ya you’d like the hairdresser I recommended to you. The greasy out-of-bed look is so making a comeback, mark my words!”

  2. “please? i swear I won’t leak them on the internet”
    hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    Text from rob to Kristen:
    “Shitting while I am txt you, would the fangirls outside my trailer know that I am shitting? I know you do now xx R”

    “do you know where my hairgel is? x R”

    “just to let you know I farted and now I have a skidmark. Can you send me new underweare plse? x R”

    Nice post again UC!

    • Drunk Rob text messaging is the best you know…

      **hey, Stewie love, can you get a pole like Miley and dance around it? no not my pole, I said not my pole, a hard pole that stands up.

    • oooooh…. I just got that! thanks for clarifying. He wanted some Vanessa-like photos. I am so slow.

  3. “Bring the f*ck me shoes, the nail skirt and ,..oh, the Bella wig.”

    • hahaha

      • Gah, priceless!

    • So f*cking funny.

  4. “Where the fcuk is my surf board?”

    Fabulous post as always…..

  5. Yeah, I’m not witty in any way shape or form so I won’t even attempt to come up with something funny. I’ll just stop by throughout the day to see what you lovely ladies have cooked up.

    I always found it odd that Rob has two phones, the iphone and the jitterbug, maybe the iphone is just the dedicated texting Kristen phone…

    • He SO has the Jitterburg…maybe that’s the one he plays covert operations with. And by covert operations, I mean, “Texts to Kristen.” Of course.

      • I had heard the jitterbug phone is for his international calls (calls from mum perhaps)? But you’re right, I’ve seen him with 2 phones.

  6. Wonder if Rob would send us fun pictures if we made him our texting buddy? You know…bathroom photoshoots and stuff.

  7. “tomstu just broke up with me. wanna bang?”

  8. “It was really good talking to you about the existential meaning of Stephenie Meyers’ work of literature”

    Score. Epic win!!

    “It’s just as well you used the nail gun on that dress last night and not Emilie”

    “Do I really smell?”

    “How long do you think I can get away with this NY cap before the twi-hards/paps know it’s me?”

    “Is the baby mine?” (ouch!)

    “I just wanted to say one thing… umm… the hottest hotties…”

    “wanna ride my ‘big hard tool’?

    “are you sure you’re not a twelve year old virgin?”

    “Wanna read some FF? I learnt all my moves in The Office”

    “Thank fuck you weren’t wearing that TCA dress at the MTV awards”

    “how do you feel about men who pluck their eyebrows for a living?”

    “wanna come for a run with me?”

    “Can I have my blue t-shirt back?”

    “Next time can we try going up from down below so that we’re at the correct angle?”

    • “Wanna read some FF? I learnt all my moves in The Office”

      Love it!

      • I don’t!! FF Fooey!

        • No fooeying! Just read “The Office”, I swear.

          • No!! I swear, I won’t!

          • What if there was a DrunkRob ff? I’d find it for you.

      • Is ‘the Office’ really that good? Tell me more.

        • Yes, Holly, The Office is really THAT GOOD…!!!

          Janet – I’m almost going to challenge you to reading FF because I think it would really help progress your cussing – fuckery is all well and good, but Wide Awake alone uses the word ‘fuck’ in so many contexts and variations, that the benefits are endless. FF is life changing in ways you just can’t consider until you go there.

          • I agree 1000%

            WA makes cussing an art form. And well, “The Office” is just fucking HOT.

          • Would WA work if not for Edward’s cussing?
            Edward Cullen. Mind Fucker.
            Maybe not. It’s such an inherent part of the story.

            Janet, it’s your loss if you don’t read The Office. Seriously.
            It’s 100% virtual viagra.

            If you really love Rob, you’d read The Office and imagine him.
            In every. Single. Position. Gah.

            Back to work. Sigh.

    • “It’s just as well you used the nail gun on that dress last night and not Emilie”

      LOVES!

    • “I just wanted to say one thing… umm… the hottest hotties…”

      HAHA Love it!

  9. Hahahah! Yeah, nearly the first line of this post made me choke on my iced coffee. I’m so glad I’m obsessed with this blog.

    “Check out- naked pics of Ash! Haha. Kellan paid me $25 bucks to send them in anonymously. Stole them from Jackson”

    Ummmm, gold!

    p.s. – Ashley is in amazing shape.
    p.p.s. – I feel very wrong for looking.
    p.p.p.s – No, I don’t.

    • i don’t feel wrong either. she’s hot!
      i’m glad you’re obsessed with the blog too:)

      • I don’ feel bad either. I even sent them to hubs at work and scored cool points w/ his coworkers. Ashley is hot!

    • THAT’S NORMAL!!!!

    • I didn’t feel bad for looking at all… I thought her body looked a bit like a 14 year old girl…she did make me feel better about my lopsided boob… since one of hers is smaller than the other too.. wait… should I have admitted that? aw hell isnt everyones lopsided?

  10. I wish I had something funny to add, but I’m not as awesome as you girls. That’s why I come here everyday. This post = epic win.

  11. LOL! This is so funny! I don’t text so I can’t come up with witty lines like y’all. I really should get on with the program.

    This is my fave of all:

    found a shirt in the trash outside the airport SCORE”

    ROTFL

    • I don’t text, either, b/c I know how to talk.

      • Holly, me too. I don’t text because I’d rather talk :-). I talk too much! The only time I text is to tell DH our shopping list when he occasionally stops at the grocery store:-) after his work.

  12. Hehe delightfully naughty with a filling of pure funny.

    Worried that Natalie has stolen Rob’s phone and posted the ‘actual’ txt msgs.

    Also, Rob now has iPhone. I wonder if he knows how to use it? Every time I try to steal manchild’s phone to check if he’s been texting other women I get lost in all the controls and the stupid thing locks up on me or starts singing or something.

    • ” Every time I try to steal manchild’s phone to check if he’s been texting other women I get lost in all the controls and the stupid thing locks up on me or starts singing or something. ”

      Every single element of this sentence is WIN. Especially ‘manchild’. Fantastic. And it happened to me once, too. Ooops. lol.

    • LOL. I have done that, thankfully DH doesn’t have an Iphone yet. He’s got every man gadget there is but he’s not into phones. I think most of us have checked on our SO’s! 🙂

      • I haven’t! I think because I’m afraid if he checked mine in return. He’d see some crazy-ass texts to my girl friend’s about Rob and/or Twilight and try to have me commited.

      • I haven’t either! Should I?

  13. “Check out- naked pics of Ash! Haha. Kellan paid me $25 bucks to send them in anonymously. Stole them from Jackson”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    gold

    Poor Jackson 😉 did you see how he had his arm around Ashley all night at the TCAs?? *sigh*

    • then she went and made out with chace.. poor jax! at least he got some ash picture porn…

      • At least we ALL got some Ash picture porn.

        Sorry, Ashlice.

      • Blech!!! I hate Chace! He is gross. Jackson is cute.

    • I know! Breaks my heart all the “we like each other but we travel too much” from their old interviews . . . .and then he’s not the man of the evening.

      Although . . .the hair was a little nasty. Maybe he shouldn’t have been channeling Johnny Depp so hardcore.

      • Love your name.

  14. “I wanna try one thing…”
    “I know you said to stop. Sorry. I really promise this time not to ever say that again”

    HAHAHA! You’re so awesome, UC. But seriously, if she’s sick of it I’ll gladly give him my number.

    I’d wager there’s a “Bet U I can go longer w/o washing my hair!” text in ther somewhere, too.

  15. “Hey K, ur in LA…do you know Moon? Can I have her number?”

    “So I hooked up with Nikki and now it burns when I pee…should I be worried?”

    “Bring me a burgah bitch!”

    • hahahahaha burns when i pee!!!

    • I am DYING laughing at this! F*cking funny!

  16. just got to The Coug. Are you here yet?”
    “Oh. it’s The Couve?”

    Is it wrong that I read that as ‘into’ The Coug…and I assumed he meant me?

    Oh, and yes Rob…I was so there…….
    😉

    Love me thru it ppl, love me thru it.

  17. How does every chick in america want me and you can’t stand me?

    They don’t know you.

    They want to kiss me and grab me.

    They don’t know you.

    Oh. Well, they find my accent sexy.

    They don’t know you.

    They find my hair sexy.

    Again, they don’t know you.

    I don’t understand what your trying to say.

    THEY DON’T KNOW YOU!!!

  18. I CAN HAZ HEINEKEN?!

    • YIPPEEE DRUNK ROB!

      • omg what was I THINKING!? i had some drunk rob drafted but nothing sounded right.. i should’ve emailed you… dang

      • I love drunk Rob…he makes me happy…down there!!! 😉

        • Drunk Rob texting Kstewie:
          **Oi, whadda mean your jail bait and can’t have a drink wid me? huh?

          **hey, Stewie love, can you get a pole like Miley and dance around it? no not my pole, I said not my pole, a hard pole that stands up.

    • Haha! I’ve been thinking there could totally be an LOLPATTZ site like the LOLCATS where we can make up our own stupid captions to the eleventy thousand pics of Rob. ICANHASHEINIKEN would be the perfect name!

  19. msg:- 3
    Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed Öoops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!

    Sorry, couldn’t be helped. 🙂

  20. “Do I make you lose your panties to?”

    “So….there’s a parking lot by In & Out”

    “My hot pocket wants to meet your microwave.”

    “Got carrots?”

    “I need YOU to bite ME!”

    “Summit made you wear that skirt so you wouldn’t sit on my lap during the TCA’s, didn’t they? It’s Summit’s fault!”

    • My hot pocket wants to meet your microwave.”

      OMG

      • LOL! OMG!

  21. I’ve uploaded TCA Rob and Twilight coverage:

    http://letterstotwilight.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=816

    and the media show TCA coverage:

    http://letterstotwilight.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=817

    • thanks Jena! I put it in the flat too!

      • Vetty velcome!

  22. KStew doesn’t text back because one can’t blink and stutter and be awkward effectively in a text.

    • PS. Totally checked out the “very credible” source. So much awesome on that page. Posts related to R texting K? “Kristen dumps Rob!” Holla…!

      • Champy all around to celebrate the break-up!

        • do i somehow get the impression that you’re not really into KStew? can’t understand it—:)

        • How is it that I missed the Hook up and the Break up all from being away for one day??? How??? Thank god you girls have all the goods here in one spot so I can scream, cry and then jump up and down. Not that I care of course 😉

        • It’s coming don’t worry. If they’re even together.

          • I’m confused…are they together or not? I thought they are dating for real and now they’re broken up?

    • Hahahahaha! Hard to text when you’re a) dumb or b) acting dumb.

  23. by this part I had tears in my eyes, from laughing AND thinking about his writing talent going to waste ( somebody please hack his jitterbug!!):

    “do you think the new director will re-hire that small Indian kid? What was his name?”

    “I wanna try one thing…”
    “I know you said to stop. Sorry. I really promise this time not to ever say that again”

    “Sorry….i usually last longer than it takes to type this text…”

  24. “I read this blog were they said we were bonging. Wanna bong?”

    “I like whiskey”

    “Will you bring me some beer and ciggs? Wait,I forgot you can’t buy in the US.”

    “Fucking Balls of a Goat! Did you see that manip of me and our fake baby? Here I’ll send it”.

    “Will you go see Bobby’s show with me? We’ll run in and oot. No one will notice”.

    “Need Valium NOW.”

    “Help! Can’t leave my trailor. Please send Tomstu.”

    • “Fucking Balls of a Goat! Did you see that manip of me and our fake baby? Here I’ll send it”.

      love you!

    • The whole bonging has me in tears every time i read it. That word is the coolest.

      “I read this blog were they said we were bonging. Wanna bong?”

    • @ Janetrigs LMAO..
      “Fucking Balls of a Goat!”

      Your holding out on us …YOU HAVE MET ROBBIE, ADMIT IT.. no one but him says “Balls of Goat!!” and you know it!!

      ps
      the TomStu comment sealed it.

    • “Will you go see Bobby’s show with me? We’ll run in and oot. No one will notice”.

      this one is total win. because YOU KNOW someone somewhere in that long line of getting to that concert said “no one will even see you guys”

      hahah. heart you and your f*ckery.

  25. I wonder if they text each other from across the room like I do with people.

    Oh gosh, in all seriousness, who IS Rob texting?

    Perhaps Marcus to figure out where to meet up for the shirt exchange.

    Maybe Sam encouraging him to take advantage of his sloppy seconds.

    Perhaps Bobby to tell him he may have to sue him for stealing his signature hair move (and possibly doing it better!).

    • To encourage Sam to take advantage of his sloppy seconds???? LMAO Dude I sooooo know what you’re talking about!!! And I think you might be up to something with the whole Bobby-hair-thing….he might just do it better…just sayin’! 😀

    • You may or may not be obsessed with the Brit Pack.

      M

    • Yeah, I noticed Bobby Long doing the “Rob stroke” (to the hair).
      AND he does it better. (also Bobby’s hair is cleaner).

    • Seriously?
      Rob is texting his mom and dad! 😉
      That’s what I like to think.

  26. “I heard dumpsters are fun and normal.”

    • Yes Jena, because we know Rob stalks the flat!!! Ha.

    • I was hoping someone would do a dumpster text and there you are jena! yay!

      • Hi Emme!!!!

    • did someone say dumpster?

  27. No you can’t come with us (again.) It’s a LADS night out, and the boys are getting pissed off.

    No, I can’t come out. I’m washing my hair.

    No, I’m not eating Italian with you again. You got pissed off last time I told the waiter “I’ll pass on the Oregano”

    I’ve already told you. Patty’s the only girl for me.

    I was fine until you sat on my lap after TCA. Now I have balls like a collander!

    Yeah, you can come round if you bring Nikki. Sharing is caring!

    • omg all brill but this ‘I was fine until you sat on my lap after TCA. Now I have balls like a collander!’

    • Sharing IS caring!

      M

  28. I just died. Repeatedly. Bring in the gurney.

    “found a shirt in the trash outside the airport SCORE”

    “please? i swear I won’t leak them on the internet”

    “Check out- naked pics of Ash! Haha. Kellan paid me $25 bucks to send them in anonymously. Stole them from Jackson”

    Seriously, publish a book with all of your letters. I don’t promise to publicly eulogize it, but I do promise to pay a little kid to go buy it for me.

  29. “Saw a picture of you today…I hope you’re getting your hair fixed”

    “Guess what I got told to say at the TCAs tonite?”

    “I’m just a tool…A BIG HARD TOOL”

    Wouldn’t mind if he texted me!! Wouldn’t mind it at all 😉

    • “Guess what I got told to say at the TCAs tonite?”

      Hahahah! You KNOW he totally texted that to her! Genius.

      I wouldn’t mind if he texted* me either.

      *texted = banged

  30. hahahahahahah
    this post is amazing!!!! jajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajaj

    “why don’t you text me back?”
    “what? the chick in the mini striper pole was Miley Cyrus?”
    “I miss Patty”
    “your cat is still alive?”

    jajaj I dont know…

  31. OMg. you guys are KILLING me today! Seriously… so hilarious.. and you know Rob has said ALL OF THE ABOVE..

    keep ’em coming!

  32. Yesterday, my daughter sent me a text that simply said “hotpockets”. I had to double check to be sure it wasn’t from Rob.

    You guys are being really generous with your spelling. I feel like Rob is a terrible speller (I think he even mentioned it in an interview once). Then again, there is the marvelous iPhone autocorrect.

    • HA! Rob doesn’t have an iPhone. I agree the spelling must be bad and/or rushed.

      “Harwdike touched my bum just now. I feel uncomfortible.”

      • Pictures in front of the church is an iPhone, babe. lol!!

        M

        • Pssh, which he borrowed from Kellan inside the church!

          (I know it’s an iphone, i was making an admittedly poor joke about his “thrifty” ways.) 🙂

          • lmao!!! That is SO true. Why didn’t I think of that?

            M

  33. ‘Bella, you complete me..’

    ‘Wanna come over and surf my board?’

    ‘I’ve ruched my chest hair just the way you like it’

  34. laugh cramps again today—if Rob’s as smart as i think he must be texting the following:

    hav thos beeches at LTR bin readin ur mail

    • hahaha! He so has!

  35. “Have you seen my pocket Eddie?”

    ” I totes just bought some random book to see if the fangirls go crazy. It’s about sheep, yea sheep!”

    “Big Daddy Lautner is totally checking you out”

    “Wanna do “the tuck”?”

    “It sparkles, yeah, that’s how I got the part”

    Love the post!

    • “It sparkles, yeah, that’s how I got the part”

      Noooooo, OMG! Hahahahahaha! Luvs!

    • “It sparkles, yeah, that’s how I got the part”

      My stomach hurts, I’m laughing so hard.

  36. “I karaoked ‘Sex on Fire’ last night at the Pub. Good times.”

    “My fingers are itching to get suck in your greasy Femullet again.”

    “What if I’m not the superhero? What if I’m just the dirty Brit who you want to bone?”

    • KOL quote, WIN! LOL!

      • These are all WINs, Myria!

  37. “Hey Jackson, I’m gonna try to bone Anna again, do you have her number?”
    (next text)”…. Ooops. Sorry Kristen.”
    (next text) “Jackson you are not going to believe what I just did… I’m so dead.”

    • hahaha!!!

  38. Stewie lov, I just had a bowl movement. Ur rght, Dr. Pepper and JackD does wk tgether.

  39. That was my favorite post ever. I am dying. “R-U-A-F-A-K-E-L-E-S-B-I-A-N” Brilliant. I am in love with you.

    And Rob’s Jitterbug.

    {that’s what she said}

    • Why can’t I find Lauren’s Bite??? I cried when I went to my favorites, clicked the link and was denied. What did I miss?

  40. R u the real Kriztin Stuart? I am the real Robetr pAttinsn. Honest.

  41. “Do you realize we have officially made more money off of the stuff we’ve submitted to tabloids than we’ve made from acting?”

    😛

  42. “so i was microwaving that can of soup you bought me and somehow my microwave blew up. CRAZY RIGHT? Can i come over and use yours?”

    Me and my best friend were talking about how Rob loves to microwave everything and we started out with just odd every day things … like a shoe or a banana or a can of soup, and then my friend was like MY CAT. hahah couldnt you totally picture rob thinking that was hilarious. hahaha.

  43. I actually think he has the phone my cousin has. It has no camera, and is so old, she wants a new one really bad. Just saying…Uhm, I think you got the texts down. Definitely.

  44. HAHAHAHA awesome post UC! I have nothing to add.. Because when I have one I see that others have already posted one similar… So I will just say awesome. (i know lame right?!)

  45. Ahahahahah!! I don’t normally post here but I visit this blog everyday. UC & Moon, please don’t ever stop. I swear I’m as obsessed with LTR & LTT as I am with Rob himself LOL

  46. I almost never comment twice but I was just thinking that if he text that much he probably has the messenger/sms lingo:

    “R u k?”
    “w r u?”

    and uses emoticons

    “nice to see u :)”
    “I take a bath today :(”

    jijijiji I dont know… Im still laughing from your post…

  47. Rob Txting:

    “tmstu the sprkls on the peen”

  48. “Wanna see me bite some pillows and break some headboard?”

  49. texted while at comic-con

    “am I drunk, or is that girl singing?”

    • Excellent.

  50. btw, I love that his mom texted him during an Access Hollywood interview! She’s good times!

    • to warn him about the the symptoms of not showering.. like scalp disease? hahaha

      HILARIOUS


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