This weekend I was thinking about you or, I should say, the lack of you we’ve had this past week. My mind started wandering to thoughts of my life if you weren’t in it. What would I do? Who would I talk to? How would I get myself out of bed each morning? Then I remembered you aren’t actually in my life (and that’s the reason why this morning’s letter is being penned from the comfort of my bed- I’m not getting out.)
But, seriously, what if you weren’t famous? What if you weren’t “in” my life? What if you were just a regular, ol’ joe schmo, run-of-the-mill, average, every-day, ordinary very attractive British guy? We’ve explored the myspace profile you’d be sure to have if you still lived with Claire & Dick, and I took a guess as to what your life might be like as the “Nacho-Man” at a tropical resort, but what if you surprised us all, and instead of being the star of a few $10,000 budget films & the lead in a sub-par movie version of an amazing book, you were, as your picture shown here suggests, a wedding crasher?
I think there are few non-negotiable qualities of a successful wedding crasher, and I’m pretty sure they all apply to you. Such as: Be very attractive (I don’t have to convince anyone that you’ve got this down); Be the ‘life of the party’ (aka: Drunk Rob. You at your best); Be a fast-thinking, smooth talker (Whoops- okay, in your case we’re just gonna say that you being the ‘life of the party’ (aka Drunk Rob) is why the father of the bride, after he asks how you know the couple, doesn’t question you when you say you’re the “father of the bride’s, only brother’s, nephew” and instead laughs, smacks your ass and tells you you’re funny and sends you on your way). I know, I know. You’re a young, hot guy and weddings are full of hormonal, single gals looking to catch the bouquet and snatch up a man and tie him down, but I can’t help but notice that the very essence of a wedding seems like such a fit for you. You’d be the perfect wedding crasher.
Seriously, Rob. Just picture this: You’re alter ego is Paul Johnson, podiatrist. You hit 5-8 weddings a month and….
- You get to bang bridesmaids
- You eat free food and all the little miniature wiener dogs your heart desires
- You drink never-ending free booze. No need to drink cheap beer when Grey Goose is free flowing.
- You sing a tune or two- the band always takes a break mid-evening. You jump on stage, grab the mic & try out your latest song, dedicating it to the bride. You know from experience that if no bridesmaids have revealed an interest in the banging yet, they will after you’re done.
- You give romantic speeches. You’ve read about that guy Edward Cullen. The bride always knows about Edward. She thinks she’s marrying ‘her’ Edward, so you know how to bring the audience to tears with all the “you’re my life nows” and”So the Lion fell in love with lambs” that the crowd can handle. (Don’t forget to throw in a laugh with a “Buttcrack Santa” joke about the honeymoon for those Christmas weddings)
- You nuzzle Nana’s bosom- and you know at that point in the night you’re feeling really good….
- You always have easy access to all the unhappy, drunk MILFs and Cougars. They love you even if you’ve maybe had one Grey Goose too many and have scared away that bridesmaid who was so interested in talking about the names of your future children. But don’t worry- those experienced MILFs and Cougars are happy to tend to a young, hot thing since their old, not hot thing of a husband disappeared hours ago to watch the “game” in the bar down the hall.
- And you sneer at the flower girl just for being a child. And for being in your way. And for causing you to spill your Grey Goose & tonic. And for hanging all over her Aunt Stacey, all night long, who happens to be the hottest chick in the room.
Now what is there that’s not to like? What is there that is un-Roblike? Banging hot chicks, eating free processed food, drinking free booze, singing, acting, dancing with cougars, sneering at children….. sounds like Rob to me! In fact, this sounds so much like you that I’m wondering if I didn’t make this up and you really were a wedding crasher before you got the Twilight audition. Furthermore, you and TomStu used to be seen together much more. Was he your wing man? Has the Bromance faded because he’s still trying to swing the wedding crasher lifestyle but has realized you really were his ticket to all the hot bridesmaids, MILFs and Cougars and now only the Nana’s are interested in him?
I have so many questions: Do you ever accidentally add an extra hop during the Cha-Cha-Slide? Do you sing out loud to “You shook me all night long?” What’s your favorite Daddy/Daughter dance? Is it Butterfly Kisses? Do you get the key change right during “Livin’ on a Prayer’ every time? What are you like during “Shout?” Do you go low?
All I know is Rob Pattinson, wedding crasher, has a nice ring to it, and I’d be happy to do the “Cha-Cha-Slide” with you any day….. (say it: ________________)
Slide to the left,
Thanks to Calliope for this idea & you need to come home from Italy NOW b/c I laugh a lot less when you’re gone x