Even if you and Kstew still get some kind of Andy Kaufman-esque kick out of being sneaky hiding your “not-really-forbidden-so-get-over-it” love from the world, you should know that you aren’t fooling me.
I get it, I really do. You’re into mystery, you said it yourself. Most guys are. And I realize that you are also somewhat of a not-so-secret paranoid misanthrope. Or at least want us to believe that you are. Again, I dig.
But really, you’re going about this the wrong way. Surely you see that the longer you ‘keep it in the closet’ (that’s what Tomstu said) about you and the K, the more anticipation builds in the fandom and the more attention that you ultimately end up getting. (Duh Rob…DUH)
Since that is the antithesis of what you two “claim” to want, and since all that I “claim” to want is to see you happy (but secretly I just want you to do things to me that you probably haven’t even learned how to do properly yet), I am offering you this helpful guide as to how to reveal your relationship status without causing a riot. And what better time of year would it be to confess your secrets than around Christmas? Christmas is for giving and finally putting truth to the rumors is the best gift of all. (Okay, it’s the second best gift of all. You learning how to do those things that I want you to do to me and then doing them to me would be the best gift of all)
I am suggesting that you reveal your relationship status by giving us the real scoop when it comes to all of the “firsts” that you and Kstew have already enjoyed in your non-forbidden romance. Here we go:
When You First Met:
Explain to the world that the first time that you met Kristen, the two of you were led into the bedroom of Cathy the Cougar with promises of candy and dollies and starring roles in teenage vampire flicks. You were then made to make-out for hours while Cathy filmed it for her personal collection audition purposes. Tell us how she made Jackson stay and hold her hand the entire time and how he cried a little. Finally admit to the world that the entire experience left you feeling like “creepy Uncle Rob” and that you still need to write Stephanie Meyer that “Thank You” note for the strong “no sex before marriage” message in Twilight, as that was the argument that proved successful against the Coug’s urging that you “explore the role on a deeper level right now in my bedroom with a seventeen year old girl.”
When You First Kissed: See above.
First Meal with the Folks:
Explain to the world how excited you were the first time that you sat down to dinner with your lovely parents Richard and Clare. Admit to us that you suspect that your Dad might have checked out Kristen’s ass a bit while he was pulling out her chair for her. Then admit to us that Kristen really pigged out because she’d just finished smoking a fatty. Tell us how your Mom noticed and decided it was the right time to question Kstew about the “pot-kini pic.” Explain how embarrassed you got and how you whined: “come on Mum…geez…give her a break she’s American” until Mum let the issue slide. Then tell us about how Kristen dropped the F-bomb so many times that at last your Mum was forced to tell her: “We are English dear…we do not use the F-word at the dinner table.”
First Official Date a Real Couple:
Now, this is when things really started picking up in your relationship. Tell us about how your first date as an official couple consisted of waiting twelve hours to finally sneak out of your hotel room(s), finally getting free and running over to a local thrift store to pick through old clothes, and at last spending the rest of the outing taking pictures with all those fans who didn’t really want to bother you but did anyway. Then tell us how on the way home you stopped in a park to feed the birds and ended up making 12 dollars and fifteen cents of donations from sympathetic Canadians (and yes, they knew who you were).
Your First Place Together:
End the ponderings about the “palatial pad” by telling the truth about your first place with Kristen. Explain how there’s no hot-tub of love in which you spend hot steamy nights reading each other Blake poems. Tell how your first place together is actually more like the farmhouse in Night of the Living Dead. You can’t leave and every time you look out the window hordes of zombie-like paparazzi who never seem to sleep are calling for your brains. The room itself is a rat’s nest of fast food wrappers, empty Heineken bottles, and scraps of clothing, old newspapers and Ok magazines, and twigs that you and Kristen have made into an actual love nest (gross). Also, explain how between the two of you, so many cigarettes have been smoked that the entire place looks and smells like the designated smoking room of an international airport.
So, you see how this works, right? You tell the “truth” about the glamour of your budding romance with Kstew, and suddenly people realize that there’s nothing to talk about.
Once the world realizes that you are just an intelligent, hilarious, and unbelievably beautiful man boring old slob who is probably giving Kstew the time of her life in bed just groping her boobs and drooling on her in her sleep, then they will see that there is nothing to freak out about.
Sure, Kristen may have to deal with some uncomfortable interview questions about your penis for a while, but eventually things will calm down and the press will move on to more interesting topics.
Please just grant me this one Christmas wish. Think of it this way, if everyone knows, maybe you’ll get to crack a window open on New Years Eve and let out some of that smokers air from your palatial pad. That way you can return that oxygen machine you’ve been renting. She may not have told you, but I’d venture to guess that on the top of Kristen’s New Year’s resolutions list is “Stop the advancement of emphysema and asthma in my body.”‘
Truly wishing you the best of luck,
What’s YOUR Christmas wish of Rob!? (Or.. if you will… of Robsten…)