If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Robert Pattinson.

To our amazing LTR gals,

I know we don’t do this often- stray from the topic of our site- but I came across this important health message that we really felt like we had to take the time to share. We’ve gotten to know so many of you and feel like we have a certain influence over your lives, so we thought we’d share this vital announcement- because there’s nothing more important than our health. Without our health, how could we wait patiently behind a dumpster amidst all those germs for as long as needed without getting terribly sick? You see the importance, I know you do.

Just looking out for ya,
UC & Moon

~ Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
~ Do you suffer from shyness?
~ Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
~ Do you wish you spend all your time online?
~ Do you desire to long for someone you want so bad but will never have?
~ Do you have an affinity for British accents and dandruff?

Click for good times

Robert Pattinson is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Robert Pattinson can help ease you out of your shyness pants and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything (with him). Robert Pattinson will teach you the best ways to produce handfuls of your very own dandruff. You will notice the benefits of Robert Pattinson almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses (ahem) you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live that Kristen Stewart is potentially currently living (minus the mullet and the attitude.) Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had: binge drinking, drunk tweeting/chatting/texting, karaoke singing, video making, etc.

Stop hiding and start living, with Robert Pattinson.

Robert Pattinson may not be right for everyone. Women who do not wish to become pregnant should not have Robert Pattinson. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try Robert Pattinson. Robert Pattinson may not be suitable for you if you do not approve of borrowing clothes, plaid, Dutch beers, hot pockets or lack of personal hygiene.

Side effects may include:

– Dizziness
– Nausea
– Vomiting
– Erotic lustfulness
– Loss of motor control
– Desire to remove clothing
– Loss of virginity
– Loss of fan fic virginity
– Smoking habit
– Addiction to Twitter
– Sudden urges to find a dumpster
– Table dancing
– Obsessive scouring of the internet for news related to Robert Pattinson
– Hatred of women with mullets
– Headache
– Drinking an obscene amount of liquids.
– Sex hair addiction
– Willingness to drive, fly or travel anywhere in the world to meet with fellow sufferers

WARNINGS:

~ Robert Pattinson can make you think smoking is sexy.
~ Robert Pattinson may result in the loss of your marriage
~ Robert Pattinson will cause you to lose your real life friends & family
~ Becoming involved with Robert Pattinson could potentially give your sex life a major boost, until the moment when Robert Pattinson causes you yell out “Thank you Robert Pattinson” during a moment of passion with someone other than Robert Pattinson.

Please share this with other women who may need Robert Pattinson.

Discuss YOUR symptoms over at The Forum
Read Moon go all Carrie Bradshaw on us over on LTT

Thanks to Kristin who first sent me this women’s health message (although it was about Margaritas) & for helping with the changes. As well as Moon. Cuz you rule. And for my new package of Singulair, for the inspiration with the Rob Rx picture.

Dear Rob,

Running this lil blog here sometimes confuses “special” people and they think we’re really you, which is odd cause why would you write letters to yourself?! But that is neither here nor there.  So as it turns out we receieve tons of emails and one thing I’ve learned from readers these emails is that any time someone says “I’m not one of those crazy fans” or “I’m not crazy” THEY ARE. 100% certifiable, bat shit crazy! Generally people “get it” but then there are the “special” people who think we ARE you, Robert Pattinson and well, what do we do? Yup, we post them on here and answer them! Fun, no?

Oh and I’m not one of those “crazy” fans,
Themooniscrazydown

Just call me Ransom, SPUNK Ransom that is

Dear Rob,

I have just 1 question. Why do you want your name changed to spunk ransom?

Love, Questioning in Quincy

Dear Questioning,

Great, uh, question! As a matter of fact I think Rob was either drunk, sleep deprived or on a 5 hour energy bender and just blurted out the first two words he could come up with. And yes he chose a word that is synonymous with seminal fluid. Yup, wrong on so many levels.

See: bad idea that will never die

Love,
Spunk Moon

(this next one has been edited for length, trust me this is all you’ll want)

Follow the cut to read more of Rob’s letters!

Dress shirt. Check. Loose Tie. Check. Dancing Shoes. Check. Bridesmaids here I come.

Dear Rob,

This weekend I was thinking about you or, I should say, the lack of you we’ve had this past week. My mind started wandering to thoughts of my life if you weren’t in it. What would I do? Who would I talk to? How would I get myself out of bed each morning? Then I remembered you aren’t actually in my life (and that’s the reason why this morning’s letter is being penned from the comfort of my bed- I’m not getting out.)

But, seriously, what if you weren’t famous? What if you weren’t “in” my life? What if you were just a regular, ol’ joe schmo, run-of-the-mill, average, every-day, ordinary very attractive British guy? We’ve explored the myspace profile you’d be sure to have if you still lived with Claire & Dick, and I took a guess as to what your life might be like as the “Nacho-Man” at a tropical resort, but what if you surprised us all, and instead of being the star of a few $10,000 budget films & the lead in a sub-par movie version of an amazing book, you were, as your picture shown here suggests, a wedding crasher?

I think there are few non-negotiable qualities of a successful wedding crasher, and I’m pretty sure they all apply to you. Such as: Be very attractive (I don’t have to convince anyone that you’ve got this down); Be the ‘life of the party’ (aka: Drunk Rob. You at your best); Be a fast-thinking, smooth talker (Whoops- okay, in your case we’re just gonna say that you being the ‘life of the party’ (aka Drunk Rob) is why the father of the bride, after he asks how you know the couple, doesn’t question you when you say you’re the “father of the bride’s, only brother’s, nephew” and instead laughs, smacks your ass and tells you you’re funny and sends you on your way). I know, I know. You’re a young, hot guy and weddings are full of hormonal, single gals looking to catch the bouquet and snatch up a man and tie him down, but I can’t help but notice that the very essence of a wedding seems like such a fit for you. You’d be the perfect wedding crasher.

Seriously, Rob. Just picture this: You’re alter ego is Paul Johnson, podiatrist. You hit 5-8 weddings a month and….

• You get to bang bridesmaids
• You eat free food and all the little miniature wiener dogs your heart desires
• You drink never-ending free booze. No need to drink cheap beer when Grey Goose is free flowing.
• You sing a tune or two- the band always takes a break mid-evening. You jump on stage, grab the mic & try out your latest song, dedicating it to the bride. You know from experience that if no bridesmaids have revealed an interest in the banging yet, they will after you’re done.
• You give romantic speeches. You’ve read about that guy Edward Cullen. The bride always knows about Edward. She thinks she’s marrying ‘her’ Edward, so you know how to bring the audience to tears with all the “you’re my life nows” and”So the Lion fell in love with lambs” that the crowd can handle. (Don’t forget to throw in a laugh with a “Buttcrack Santa” joke about the honeymoon for those Christmas weddings)
• You nuzzle Nana’s bosom- and you know at that point in the night you’re feeling really good….
• You always have easy access to all the unhappy, drunk MILFs and Cougars. They love you even if you’ve maybe had one Grey Goose too many and have scared away that bridesmaid who was so interested in talking about the names of your future children. But don’t worry- those experienced MILFs and Cougars are happy to tend to a young, hot thing since their old, not hot thing of a husband disappeared hours ago to watch the “game” in the bar down the hall.
• And you sneer at the flower girl just for being a child. And for being in your way. And for causing you to spill your Grey Goose & tonic. And for hanging all over her Aunt Stacey, all night long, who happens to be the hottest chick in the room.

This is what Rob looks like when TomStu leaves him alone with a Nana

Now what is there that’s not to like? What is there that is un-Roblike? Banging hot chicks, eating free processed food, drinking free booze, singing, acting, dancing with cougars, sneering at children….. sounds like Rob to me! In fact, this sounds so much like you that I’m wondering if I didn’t make this up and you really were a wedding crasher before you got the Twilight audition. Furthermore, you and TomStu used to be seen together much more. Was he your wing man? Has the Bromance faded because he’s still trying to swing the wedding crasher lifestyle but has realized you really were his ticket to all the hot bridesmaids, MILFs and Cougars and now only the Nana’s are interested in him?

I have so many questions: Do you ever accidentally add an extra hop during the Cha-Cha-Slide? Do you sing out loud to “You shook me all night long?” What’s your favorite Daddy/Daughter dance? Is it Butterfly Kisses? Do you get the key change right during “Livin’ on a Prayer’ every time? What are you like during “Shout?” Do you go low?

All I know is Rob Pattinson, wedding crasher, has a nice ring to it, and I’d be happy to do the “Cha-Cha-Slide” with you any day….. (say it: ________________)

Slide to the left,
UnintendedChoice

Discuss bad wedding music over on The Forum
See what Moon has to brighten your Monday on LTT

Thanks to Calliope for this idea & you need to come home from Italy NOW b/c I laugh a lot less when you’re gone x

Dear Rob,

Some fans are crazy. Others are, ahem, creative. Some are Unicorns and some are just gosh darn funny (I’m keeping the swearing to a minimum, it is Sunday) I think the following fan, whoever the guy is who made this video, is potentially crazy, very creative, definitely a Unicorn & really funny:

So I ask YOU, Rob.. do YOU ‘wanna be like Edward Cullen?’

Happy no-swearing Sunday,
UnintendedChoice

See if Moon swore over on LTT
Forum it up! (On.. The Forum)

psst. Thanks Lula for the vid link

Dear Rob,

As much as we love the pretty, we also lurve the drunky times Rob. Some of us more than others (ahemjanetahem) so this is dedicated to all of us and you!

Tear it up tonight kids!
moonie pie

The song used in this video sucks arse, may I suggest a FAR FAR better alternative…

so if you will open this video in a separate tab/or maybe right here, turn down the hideousness on the video above and have at it! Party in a video!

Follow the cut to see some good times drunk Rob Porn! WHOOHOO last one there’s a rotten hot pocket!

(the classic 'yup, still there pose') Don't bother looking this quote up, I did. It's from the Veronica's. Yuck

Dear Rob-

WTF?! I’m annoyed at you for a week for being a recluse and for probably with that girl who has a mullet and then you go and do something like this?!

And I am beside myself.

I think you may be the devil or Jesus himself because there is no other explanation for you. You take us from hate to love to anger to swoon and back all in a matter of seconds. This just isn’t human or normal or natural or to say the least: fair! You have me totally smitten and drooling over a couple 1 inch thumbnail pictures. WTF. Seriously this is my life and I’ve just turned from annoyed girl to fan girl in 2 seconds flat.

What are you doing to me?

I think you might me talking to be through these itty bitty pictures…

I don’t know Moon, what AM I doing to you? (mmmm don’t know can’t think…)

I know what I’m doing to you and I think we both like it…

Ok so let’s just lay here and think of something else… do you like this batman shirt?

or this toliet paper holder behind me?

What about me in a vest near a piano?

Why don’t you join me on this couch?

And we’ll talk about whatever you want…

Like the weather…

or scarves…

Fuck it, I’m over talking let’s find a dumpster

Does that sound good to you?

Yup, I thought so

Making a deal with the devil,
Themoonisdown

Which is your fave?

Give these folks a hand for bringing us the pics… check out THE REST at: Pattinson Life, RP Souce, Robert Pattinson Life

Follow the cut for some suggested listening while you gazing longingly at these…

1. Why men hate Rob

Dear Rob,

During this Rob-Dry Spell (two words that I usually don’t say together) while we wait for you to show your face in VanCity (hopefully sporting a new hat featuring a different crustacean from the sea), I thought I’d go over some FACTs about you, just like I did after ComicCon, that have been on my mind in recent weeks.

FACT: This is a FACT, that’s all

2. Rob Pattinson’s sperm can be yours

Merging the science of assisted reproduction with the art of pop culture whoredom, Cryobank allows clients to select sperm from donors who supposedly look like celebrities.

FACT: I want to MAKE a baby with you, not push your look-a-like out my va-jay-jay.

3. Dickipedia

Here are the Dickipedia’s (the wiki of dick) reasons why you’re a dick:

Robert Thomas Pattinson (born May 13, 1986) is a dick actor, model, and musician best known for playing Edward Cullen in the film adaptation of “Twilight,” and very likely the reason your wife or girlfriend has stopped having sex with you.

• Often called the “face” of “Twilight,” Robert Pattinson portrays a character described by the series creator as “devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful.” You try playing that without turning into a total dick.
• On top of that, Pattinson’s character is every woman’s fantasy—a dangerous though non-threatening protector with great hair and a bulletproof jawline, who, instead of getting tanked and groping you for five minutes before passing out, cradles you in his sober arms all night long, listening to you talk for hours on end without saying a word and without ever falling asleep.
• This fictional chastity is especially ironic, considering that in real life Robert Pattinson is one of the biggest p-hounds to emerge from England since Henry VIII. Although none of RPattz’s conquests have been decapitated, at least not that “OK! Magazine” knows about. Pattinson harbors a penchant for bedding then stringing along various barely legal co-stars. Rumor has it he even got it on with Hermione Granger, a coupling that has something for every pervert on the planet.

FACT: This is hilarious and obviously written by a guy who’s girl just recently yelled out “ROB” in the throws of passion. We all know Rob isn’t a dick, he IS Dick. (So is, coincidentally, his father)

4. R Pat is not his name

“Most of the girls are all pretty young so it’s just kind of funny. But then you get the Twilight Moms who love you like moms!” Source

FACT: First, Can I call you R Pat? No one is scared of MILFs. They’re Moms you’d like to Eff. Who’s scared of that? Secondly, some Cougars can be scary. I’m currently afraid of the one my dad is engaged to. And I swear that the minute we get an “letter to Rob” via e-mail signed “Cherbear in Doylestown,” I will shut this blog down so fast it’ll be like it “never existed.” Thirdly, Panthers are like big cats. Purrrr. Lastly, No. The don’t love you like moms. They love you like hot women who wanna ride you hard. FACT.

5. A Rob Abstinence Message

(another two words not normally found together)

Fact: It does not. I first saw this back when my Twi-obsession started. I laminated it and keep it by my bed as my mantra during nightly prayers. The urge has only grown.

FACT: Rob rushes out of VanCity hotel room, pushes past someone (we’re not sure who- he or she has a black mullet) and declares love for someone named UnintendedChoice…

Oops- you caught me day dreaming there,
UnintendedChoice xx

What FACTs are you thinking about Rob lately?

Continue the fun in The Forum
Read something posted that’s not about Robsten on LTT!

Pic #1 Source & LTR Reader: Robamusement
Pic #2- Thanks Katie!
Dikipedia sent to me by Adrienne
SomeECards

Dear Rob,

You’re a busy guy and sometimes it’s hard to keep up with all the news alerts and posts about you, so I’ve put together a handy little dump of all the important stuff we need to know about you. So ya ready?

• OMG! Did you know you’re returning as Edward Cullen in Eclipse?! Crazy! Oh and did you know some dude named BOOBOO is playing Seth Clearwater? WTF?

• Bandslam flops because of shizzy marketing and Summit finally releases an HQ version of the Jacob “trailer” wherein YOU have one millisecond of a scene. You are either going to puke or you got kicked in the balls by Jane, can’t decide

(as if we needed another excuse to watch this!)

• You stop and take pictures with THESE fans, but you run by ME at the Hotel Cafe?! As Michelle Tanner says: “How Rude!”

• Cathy spills the beans on who else was in the running for Edward Cullen. We knew Jackson was a potentional but can you imagine Letters to Shiloh?

And in Kelly Clarkson news…

• Apparently, Kelly is hoping on the Rob/Edward Cullen bandwagon these days. She was handed an Edward Cullen cut out at a recent show and flipped out, bringing it on stage, singing to it, cuddling and then finally kissing it. Sounds like a normal day at my house.

Her life would suck without youuuu. You’re singing my life sister!

the end!

themoonisdown

check out letterstotwilight
chat it up on the forum

Psst: This is a good article to read before you read today’s post How to tell if someone is being sarcastic

Dear Rob,

What the H is going on with all these peeps thinking that all the pics & rumors about you and Kristen lately are proof that you guys are together? It’s so obvious to us what is really going on. With the help of our Robsten expert, Calliope, Moon & I are going to uncover, once & for all, the truth behind all the rumors of this past week and 1/2.

Valley of the Rob

UC: Rob was seen leaving her parent’s house in the valley
Moon: he LOVES the valley. who doesn’t love temperatures in the 100s?!
UC: the line is shorter at In-n-out than the one in Hollywood
Moon: Valley= more suburban moms, more chances for run-ins with twi moms
Calliope: he just wanted to hit the open road mannnnnn- he was just doing what the GPS told him to do
UC: the GPS had a comforting British voice- reminded him of Mum
Calliope: he kept turning the wrong way because he liked the way it said “recalculating”
Moon: he drove in circles all night

Proved Duh

The Cab Ride (aka “when the shit hit the fan.” Or the “made the world of twidom explode” cab ride. Or “The day I did zero work at work” cab ride. Lastly the “Don’t shoot the messenger” cab ride.) Here are our collective guesses:

• Kristen’s really with Marcus
• Kstew LOVES folky whiny music and Rob knew someone playing some that night
• Kstew gave them directions, and they didn’t think it was right to not invite her
• Marcus makes fake ids and he made one for Kstew
• She’s an LA native she knows her way around so she was being helpful. Plus they’re British and the steering wheel is on the other side. So they get confused going out alone.
• They thought kstew WAS bobby long and were driving him to the show cause he was late. The mullet was in her eyes.
• Since Kristen was the last in the cab, it’s cause they forgot her- they ran out without her. They thought she was bobby still playing the set. And they were trying to escape without her. They wanted some alone time. Cuz she’s the girl who tags along even when you don’t invite her. Like the annoying little sister. Who has a crush on Marcus. She didn’t go to high school and didn’t get these social cues. She’s like an awkward homeschool kid.
• They wanted free cab fare so they brought her along to flash some nip to the cabbie- too bad the cabbie thought it was a dude nip. She had on her slutty bella walmart tank on under her unisex shirt

Proved Next (after the jump- do it!)

Wow, those jalepenos on your nachos were really strong, I can totally smell your breath all the way over here

Dear Rob,

Saturday, I woke up to the best news ever… It was reported that you were engaged and I was elated because after four years you finally decided to tell everyone about our relationship. Yes folks, Robert Pattinson and I have been together for 4 years and yes, we finally decided to make it official! I would no longer have to stay in LA slaving away as if I was a normal gal with a regular life and no mysterious long distance boyfriend who only came around occasionally and left me to blog about vampires with all my spare time. We could finally be together, no shame, no secrets, no lies. We were engaged and you spilled the beans to Allie Wired of all places! Joy filled my heart to say the least. 

But then Sunday I woke up to the saddest sound I’ve ever heard.  What’s that sound I heard? Yup, it was the sound of a million hearts breaking in unison and the sound of my own finally deciding to call you on your shit! You’re cheating on me, your finace! In public with your costar at a Kings of Leon concert of all places! How will I ever listen to Soft again now?

I won’t even tell you about how sad Clare and Dick are… they called me together this morning upset and wanting to know what they could do. You know how they get on two receievers in seperate rooms and talk over each other? Yea, thanks for putting me through that this morning at 7am. I can’t bear it when Dick gets upset and sobs. What a wreck.

Shhhh if I hid in this shadow my fiance will NEVER see these pictures of us at a KOL concert!

And even though I’m not 100% convinced you were kissing in that picture, because from the angle of it you would have had to have an owl neck to make that work, and honey we ALL know you’re not that flexible NOR coordinated. Nevertheless your behavior tells me that not only are you cheating on ME, you’re cheating on US and what we have, and what we have is special! Who else writes fake letters to you everyday?! Ok, besides UC. WHO?! Who else combs the internet looking for awkward pictures of you and videos of you and TomStu set to Clay Aiken songs? Ok maybe some other people. But tell me who has only watched half the movies you’ve ever made but still writes a blog about you? Yea ME! And when you’re ready to admit that you know where you can find me ( ironing Bobby‘s plaid shirts) but until then I’m moving on to greener pastures. And by pastures, obviously I mean Xavier‘s hotel room.

The other woman,
Themoonisdown

*for the truly stupid. DUH I am not Rob Pattinson’s Fiance. Just his girlfriend*

Follow the cut to see the ‘cheated on but I’m alright’ playlist I’ve come up with to get me through this time