Posted by: Bekah | May 11, 2009

What if Rob Pattinson wasn’t famous

Dear Rob,

I know you got back to LA this weekend which is awesome because that’s where Moon is and it’s just fate that you’ll end up together, but I’m going to ignore that fact for now. Did you hear that Ted Casablanca from E! Online linked to our forum on Friday? Thanks to our very own SpunkMe who wrote him a ‘letter,’ the Robsten thread in the forum was mentioned and linked to!

We had TONS of new guests visiting us all weekend long (waving hi to new guests!) and I was so impressed with SpunkMe’s abilities that I ventured into the Robsten thread myself, despite the fact that I swore I never would! I found the most delightful picture EVER posted (again) by SpunkMe. The picture was brilliant, and it got me thinking…. what if you weren’t famous? What if you never joined the South Barnes Theatre company and you were just a 22 yr old British dude living at home with Mum & Dad? What would you do? Where would you go? What would you like?

There are so many unknowns. I kept having these visions of what you might have turned out like had you never found the Theatre. These visions kept running and running until they stopped at the Myspace page you would have, obviously, had.

So, I decided to recreate it. Enjoy!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: Oh, this masterpiece is the best with the most appropriate white gangsta’ voice you can muster.

Clicky for maximum LOLs

Clicky for maximum LOLs

Thanks to SpunkMe who’s original masterpiece can be found here. If SpunkMe was not the originator, I’m so sorry- please let me know who was!

Also thanks to the myspace profiles of: My cousin, my first kiss, my crush in 10th grade and my other cousin for their inspiration for gangsta’ Rob. You’re all white, upper middle class guys, and I know you can spell better than that!

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Responses

  1. “and I know you can spell better than that!’

    HAHAHA youknowwhatimsayin’

    “you done gonna get rolled on by the godfather” GENIUS!

    i could keep going but WOW SOOO much win!!

    • that godfather thing was copied STRAIGHT from the italian cousin.

      if i wasn’t so scared they’d find out, I’d post their actual profiles for everyone to view. and love

      • I think (hope, wish) that you should start a whole new “What If Rob…” thread. So many think he could have been….

    • OMG!!! that bit about Hitler made me laugh sooooo hard!!! This is Funny! I can so see some middle class 22yr old saying EVERYTHING you did!!!

      Also, YAY for SpunkMe and her promotional skillz!!

      • Hey Mrs. P. haven’t chatted you up in a while! Hope you are well. *waves*

  2. LMAO “more humpin n shit!”

  3. “I live wit my parents can we screw @ your place?”

    LMFAO Best. line. ever.

    I still don’t like Ted Casablanca’s blog. My “sources” tell me he’s a douche.

    P.S.- My “sources” are WAY more reliable than his “sources”.

    • What a douche?

  4. This is seriously funny shit.
    I have been LOL for the past 20 minutes. I keep re-reading.
    FYI I was picturing Ali G voice when reading.
    Here’s a clip for those who don’t know about the Ali G. YO!!! Recognize!!!

    • CARRIE!!!! OMG! This. Is…..Srsly. Perfect. xo

      • I just posted this on Twitter but will say it here too. Every time I see the Sparkle Peen pic I hear Ali G voice in my head. Today’s Letter was so funny & all I could hear was Ali G. πŸ™‚
        Love me some Ali G.

        *Smooches*

        • LMAO!

    • Carrie – thank you for posting that Ali G clip. I almost spit coffee out my nose and on to my laptop. My fav line: should girls get drunk at a party and try feminism. So perfect.

  5. I’m lovin the teeshirt and ‘Mood’. Keep it up ladies. And Rob

  6. OH. MY. GOD.

    UC! I had no idea that was coming! LMFAO!!!!

    That had to be one of the funniest f*cking posts you have ever done!!!!!!!!!!! Ranks up there with Letter to Rob’s Mum after bangin’ her son!!!!!!

    I can not even quote all the WIN you put in this post!

    I do love me some Rob SparklePEEN! I want to be his B*tch!

    “I would love to meet Hitler just to kick someone in the junk and have zero remorse” ROTFLMAO!!!!

    “Life’s a ride and I’m gonna ride it hard b*tches” LMFAO!!!!!!

    OMG I have to stop now or I will quote the whole d*mn thing!

    Seriously! THAT IS EPIC!!!!!!!

    Hey and thanks for the shout out! *::SHOCK::Jaw on the floor/eyes bugging out when I got here today “WHAT?!”~Rob’s high pitched voice*

    ❀ you and moon more than you will ever know! Smooches to you both!
    Oh and thanks for venturing in Robsten, it’s kinda dangerous in there for the non-lovers of Stewie! You. Were.Brave.

    Dear Rob,

    Ummmmmm. You should totally do a street gang movie. Now we have seen your potential and you are HOT (as usual) as a gangsta! Until then, hang with your homegirls, UC and Moon. We’ll have a par-tay at the forum! Oh and one more thing….don’t wear clothes.

    With Love, waiting to ride your SparklePeen,
    SpunkMe
    XXX

    • You are the star of the post besides Rob. Love you.

      • ❀ back ‘atcha

    • haha.. i’m glad you like it! I meant to email you earlier in the weekend to tell you what I was planning, but I forgot. So THANKS for talking to “douche” Ted C. about us and for the amazing inspiration for today’s fake myspace:)

      i had fun. πŸ™‚

      • No worries about the e-mail. It was like walking into a party with all your friends jumping out yelling “SURPRISE!!!!” LOL!

        You are welcome about Ted. I’d rather contact him than douche Lainey! I seriously had no idea that he would post my letter! Then I worried you would be freaking b/c it was LTR connected with Robsten nationally. But I’m glad it all worked out well and we received so many new members at the forum from it. Glad you had fun with the post, it shows.

        Now, shall I contact CNN about LTR next? LMAO!!

        ❀

        • oo! oo! *jumping up and down* BBC too. They need to hear their local boy caused some smart independent ladies to make forum for other smart independent ladies to discuss world’s most important issue..Robsten.

        • haha.. YES! CNN here we come!!

          and of course I would have rather it been about the love b/t ME and ROB πŸ™‚ but ‘any press is good press’ :):)

          • CNN. HAHAHA. can we hit fox news so i can punch bill o reilly?

      • LOL UC @ douche.

        I will have to agree with SM, Lainey is a bigger douche in the douche race of ’09.

        Yay for press!

  7. There is some seriously funny stuff in that Robsten thread too lol. (And hot stuff…obviously.) Good post!

  8. Brillance..Sheer Brillance. I have no words to describe it.
    In my head, every word and every sentence was said in his voice and I don’t remember I laughed so much since..I dont remember[last post or in the forum]. Thank you ladies. You Ladies Will CHARM THE PANTS OFF OF HIM, you know who.
    I am awaiting the day when your site will be all over the Entertainment Television. And Rob, himself acknowledge his obsession with you and being your NO.1 FAN.

  9. β€œLife’s a ride and I’m gonna ride it hard b*tches”

    “More car chases n humpin n shit”

    OMG!!! UC…you slay me! LOL, and this early in the morning, pre-coffee, this is rare!

    Yo, Robho! U diggin deep in de crazy bitch! Love you. xoxo

    P.S.
    (I need to be honest with myself and make this my homepage.)

    • There you are my pretty little avatar, BAD BOY! Now show me your love.

      • “More car chases n humpin n shit”

        “Life’s a ride and I’m gonna ride it hard b*tches”

        UC…you slay me! Too many LOL to mention.

        Yo Robho! U diggin deep n da craaazy b*tch! Love you! xoxo

        (I need to be honest with myself and make this my homepage don’t I?)

    • yes. it’s time. homepage us up!

  10. “shit, i live Avril, i’d do her” LMAO

  11. @unintended choice *i am died* (i think that says it all)

  12. Wait, wait….I have to mention this one too! Cause it’s too WIN…

    “I live wit my parents, can we screw @ your place?

    Can’t breath!

    • and that’s when I’d leave him a comment that said “Of course we can screw at my place”

    • that was my fave line by far! The epic WIN of an all win post.

  13. Hahahahaha! ‘I live wit my parents can we screw @ your place’? ROTFLMAO Now that’s SOLID!
    ❀ UC & MOON

    http://robertpattinsonunlimited.com/pics-arriving-in-vancouver/

  14. Extra gangsta!!! ‘reppin’ London since 86′ ‘bitches don’t know bout my sparkle peen’???? ROFLMFAO!!!!!! Awesomeness to the fullest!!!! πŸ™‚

  15. Awesome post!

  16. “I would like to meet Hitler just to kick someone in the junk and feel zero remorse”

    bwahahahah!

    amazing post!

  17. hahahahaha
    I love how he can’t spell for shit.
    You guys always make Mondays better.

    @Spunk Me. told you it was all good ;-P

    • @JAG

      Yes, you are always calming my Robnoia’d a$$ down! Smooches to you!!

  18. Great way to brighten a Monday morning!

    I started laughing before I could even read the page! I totally agree that Rob should now star in a movie about gangster! He would wither be a really convincing gangster or the funniest gangster ever. Either way is win!

  19. I love him so much! This is hilarious! The “sparklepeen” shirt…I have no words to accurately describe my reaction to this. It’s effing wonderful. Again, thanks for making Monday bearable.

  20. ROTFLMAO! I can’t breathe! LOL LOL LOL LOL!
    His shirt, ROTFLMAO! Oh this is beyond priceless!

    And just saw this photo and my panties have been poofed! Check out his jeans tag, LOL! Rob, honey, just rip that off, LOL!

    I hope he called his mom yesterday! They celebrate MD the same day we do, don’t they?

    • Nope – it was back in March (I think …. have forgotten!)

  21. All kinds of WIN!! Many LOLz…

    That srsly is 1 of the top posts ever. I luvs it all.

    And we ❀ SpunkMe! She drove almost 100 new guests to the Forum, and I’ve noticed several signed up, too! Yay!

    Off to check in there…

    • ❀ you too Marta!

      Yay for all the Newbies!

  22. You never fail to amaze me with the things you come up with to post on here. You are truly both deserving of some shiny Robpeen!

  23. Loved it LOL
    No Mothers Day in UK yesterday, my internet has been down for like 36 hours MY GOD how dependant am I? It was like……….. I just don’t have the words how awful it was being without you girls….still shaking with relief to be back…….
    going to forum now check there and of course FF.
    ❀ ❀ ❀ to all

  24. So, Moon & I have this test we do to tell if our posts are funny or not: If WE laugh really hard at our own posts, it’s probably not actually funny.

    I was worried b/c I was DYING last night as I #1: found my 9th grade boyfriend, cousin & 10th grade crushes profiles and then #2: made a profile for Rob. I was dying

    So I’m glad that our test has failed and you think it’s funny too!

    The best part is MOST of what you all have quoted as being the funny parts above… ? Those things are SERIOUSLY written on the myspace profiles I copied. bad spelling n’ all! πŸ™‚

    • I’m sure they are real profiles. It’s why I have a gun. And why my daughter cannot date until she’s 30. LOL

    • Really! I thought it was your super sheer genius that made all those quotes. But I agree with you, there are pretty funny profiles in myspace. Thanks for putting together this profile, it was really, really funny.

    • Proof of “truth is stranger than fiction”
      Or possibly proof that our education system really is a big FAIL?

      I joined myspace just to hear Sam’s music – but I didn’t do anything to create a profile. Now I’m thinking that I’m gonna have to go gansta it up so dat me’n RPattz will be like real homies.

      Great post, as per usual!

  25. Me again, you all know how I hate Mondays, well this post just brightened my whole day. I can’t stop laughing! UC and Moon, you’re like therapy to me! Cheeseball, I know, but it’s true, LOL!
    I’m telling you, you both deserve a red carpet correspondent job for New Moon premiere!

  26. Wow. Just Wow.

    I’m saying LOL, and I hardly EVER say that!! But…LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

    I was totally reading it in an Ali G voice (love that show) and then to find out you cut and pasted from REAL PEOPLE…(one that you are related to!!) omg, I am almost speechless, but I am LingOL.

    Holy cow, that some funny shit. **SparklePeen** hahahahha…..another post to make me laugh all day long….

    πŸ™‚

    • two that i’m related to and one that was my first kiss. UGH!

      • yeah, omg who worships Dane Cook? you’re related? hahahahahahahahaha…Don’t worry, I have blocked my first kiss dude out of my brain completely. I would be too chicken to look him up on MySpace, although he would more likely be on FB because I’m old….

  27. Dear Rob,

    If Dane Cook is seriously your hero, we can’t be friends anymore. But I’d still do you!

    Love,
    me

    • AMEN AND AMEN amber i cant be down with dudes who worship dane cook. help us all

      • Great minds think alike! I left the Dane train a LONG time ago!

  28. This post is f_ing hilarious!

    I love Occupation: pimp, Income: <$20,000. lol – he must not be a very good one.

    The spellling was just plain painful for a spelling geek like me. Good thing Rob has that spelling improvement “project” in the works.

    • OK – just have to laugh. I misspelled “spelling.” So much for my being a spelling geek.

      It’s a TYPO! lol

  29. This is HILARIOUS. Freakin’ brilliant.

    However, if he was really like this, I would HATE him. I would think he was the biggest tool ever. I wouldn’t want to touch his Sparklepeen with a ten-foot pole. (No offense to the RL people you got these quotes from! LOL)

    “Life is a ride ‘n’ Im gonna ride it hard, bitches!” I think that may be my new motto.

  30. Very very very funny. Sparkle Peen scares me a bit, but I am slowy coming around to it.

  31. Which room is the Robsten thread under at the forum?

    • Twi-Rumour Control πŸ™‚

      It is very funny πŸ™‚

    • And convincing too ………

      • Thanks!

  32. rob not famous?! Hmmm cant imagine that!! But any who…can u guys believe that the day after tomorrow is rob’s birthday!! Dear rob, can you believe that i’ve watched twilight 10 times this weekend?! Wel rob ur almost 2-3 *gasp*, and stil hotter than hell, and 8years older than me…….*sigh* hugs and kisses oxox kim

  33. WOW, Just wow…I wanna see the original picture person, because THAT might actually send me over the egde into hyperventilation…

    Snorting, lots.

  34. @SnMLamb, email me at work
    jbruner@fnni.com I have news for you.

  35. I just realized my tv is on behind me on History channel and they are talking about “Gangsters” How appropriate for today! LMAO!!!!!!

  36. This is killing me! bwahahahahahaha!!!

    M

  37. Now we know why Rob is “trying to improve his spelling”. LOL.

    I love it! Sparkle Peen….ROFL!

  38. FANTASTIC!! OMG, this was fabulous. This letter will go down in LTR history.

    Great job UC.

  39. Oh yea South Barnes is totally HOOD! lol

    http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1335/1346311217_2bcc90ff22.jpg?v=0

  40. A Winner. Bwahahahaha ;p
    @spunk me : yeah, Rob should do gangsta movie and say sumthin like ” whatcha talkabout?”

    UC, you really outdone yourself XD

    • i’m glad cuz i was up till 1:30am ‘outdoing’ myself πŸ™‚

      • Sleep is totally overrated, IMO.

  41. hi! first time posting here… i just can’t help it after reading this post… haha

    but its just so fracking bad azz!!! LMAO!!!

    ~tuckin’ it and laffin’ wit tomstu~ is just pure win!!!

    i’ve been reading you blogs, LTR & LTT, for a couple of months now, and just want to tell you that what you do here is really amazing!!! i love your style, wit and sarcasm, its refreshing for someone who’s grown tired of the ‘summit twilight machine.’

    hope to read more from you.

    • we’re not going anywhere! Thanks for your sweet words πŸ™‚ XO

  42. “10 heinekens a day keep the dr. away.”
    oh carlisle would be soo proud. i can’t even deal with this post. EPIC POST, UC!!

  43. Do they even have gangstas in the UK? I have a hard time imagining a gangsta with a british accent. I am pretty sure gangstas are exclusive to the US. haha!

    This is my favorite post ever. Don’t worry…I saved it.

    • haha.. i know… i cannot imagine a british gangsta either.

      Any of our English friends… does this character I created (based on the real lives of my 2 cousins, 10th grade crush and first kiss in 9th grade) exist in your land? Or is he exclusive to the USA? I feel like this white gangsta guy is yet another contribution the US has made to the entire world….

      we should be proud

      • Ali G…nuf ced

        • True ‘dat.

      • I am worried for your cousins now!

        Oh, and by the way – we have it ALL here in the UK. From the heady angelic heights of RPattz to …. well …. the dregs. We’ve just got to concentrate on making a few more Rob’s … I wonder if he’s going to become our biggest export soon!!!

        • What about ‘Chavs”?? or are they what we would call “posers”

          (Not in UK, friends and relatives in UK–forgive my ignorance)

          LPB

    • They do. Watch (and learn) some Guy Ritchie (= ex Mr. Madonna) movies: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Rocknrolla, Revolver and my fav, Snatch (starring Brad-effing-gorgeous-blue-eyed-gypsy-mickey-Pitt).

      Gangstas in UK have different accents: russian, polish, german, irish…..

  44. Well, we do, kind of. They have a range of accents to be fair – London has a cosmopolitan range of crims!

  45. *in urban voice* yo man dat waz off da chain yo! pattz can be in mah posse werd! slangin’ some heiney’s and hittin dem mean streetz! fo sho’! I’m Rick James biach!! and yo lose the sparkle peen man..datz not cool yo! just say ya got da inches dat bring da bitches! *falls laughing*

    ROTFLMAO! Omg just as funny as my Pie Debate lmao
    Kudos!!

    • ROTFLMAO! At all of this! “I’m Rick James biach!!”
      I’m crying….

      • the funny thing is i KNOW people who talk like that..lmao

        • @Gallifrey you da bomb!

    • OMG… you are AMAZING at that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • @unintended choice *bows* ty ty..That’s ACTING! (classic SNL)

        @gen werd! lmao!

  46. Another epic WIN!!!!!

    I so had Ali G’s voice in my head as I was reading that profile. Booyakasha!

    “Tuckin it n’ laffin wit TomStu”

    “Mood” Well hung and sexxxyyy”

    ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!

  47. i feel a moral imperative to mention that the cousin she mentions is NOT me, thankfully.

    i’m an english major; i can spell (well, i WAS an english major. and i obviously don’t care enough about capitalisation in informal writing… bad english major, bad!).

    i’m most assuredly NOT some “tricked-out gangsta”…

    and i know you’re all wondering it- yes, the cousin she mentions is that much of a tool in real-life, too.

    • hahahaha, oh I ❀ you geeky cousin

      • a tool? “I’m just a tool, I’m just a big hard tool.”
        Sorry, couldn’t resist. πŸ˜‰

    • HAHAHA good thing you cleared your name!

    • Can I crush on you a bit for using the term “moral imperative”? Also for outing your cousin as a tool?

      • hahaha. go right ahead. wewt!

        but he’s not MY cousin- he’s on the other side of UC’s family πŸ˜‰ i’ve met him at get-togethers and the like

  48. THAT WAS THE BEST THING I REA THIS MORNING

    OMGG!! hahhaa i ttotally had ali g’s voice as well even before i saw that vid!! hahah

    10 heineken’s a day keeps the doc away. LOL

    *cries* hhhahahhahahhahaa

  49. read** i was too excited as i was typing LOL

  50. There are no words…

    but I will quote my gangsta brother…
    “Gettin’ swoll up in here!”

    Word.


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