During this Rob-Dry Spell (two words that I usually don’t say together) while we wait for you to show your face in VanCity (hopefully sporting a new hat featuring a different crustacean from the sea), I thought I’d go over some FACTs about you, just like I did after ComicCon, that have been on my mind in recent weeks.
1. Why men hate Rob
FACT: This is a FACT, that’s all
2. Rob Pattinson’s sperm can be yours
Merging the science of assisted reproduction with the art of pop culture whoredom, Cryobank allows clients to select sperm from donors who supposedly look like celebrities.
FACT: I want to MAKE a baby with you, not push your look-a-like out my va-jay-jay.
Here are the Dickipedia’s (the wiki of dick) reasons why you’re a dick:
Robert Thomas Pattinson (born May 13, 1986) is a dick actor, model, and musician best known for playing Edward Cullen in the film adaptation of “Twilight,” and very likely the reason your wife or girlfriend has stopped having sex with you.
- Often called the “face” of “Twilight,” Robert Pattinson portrays a character described by the series creator as “devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful.” You try playing that without turning into a total dick.
- On top of that, Pattinson’s character is every woman’s fantasy—a dangerous though non-threatening protector with great hair and a bulletproof jawline, who, instead of getting tanked and groping you for five minutes before passing out, cradles you in his sober arms all night long, listening to you talk for hours on end without saying a word and without ever falling asleep.
- This fictional chastity is especially ironic, considering that in real life Robert Pattinson is one of the biggest p-hounds to emerge from England since Henry VIII. Although none of RPattz’s conquests have been decapitated, at least not that “OK! Magazine” knows about. Pattinson harbors a penchant for bedding then stringing along various barely legal co-stars. Rumor has it he even got it on with Hermione Granger, a coupling that has something for every pervert on the planet.
FACT: This is hilarious and obviously written by a guy who’s girl just recently yelled out “ROB” in the throws of passion. We all know Rob isn’t a dick, he IS Dick. (So is, coincidentally, his father)
4. R Pat is not his name
“Most of the girls are all pretty young so it’s just kind of funny. But then you get the Twilight Moms who love you like moms!” Source
FACT: First, Can I call you R Pat? No one is scared of MILFs. They’re Moms you’d like to Eff. Who’s scared of that? Secondly, some Cougars can be scary. I’m currently afraid of the one my dad is engaged to. And I swear that the minute we get an “letter to Rob” via e-mail signed “Cherbear in Doylestown,” I will shut this blog down so fast it’ll be like it “never existed.” Thirdly, Panthers are like big cats. Purrrr. Lastly, No. The don’t love you like moms. They love you like hot women who wanna ride you hard. FACT.
5. A Rob Abstinence Message
(another two words not normally found together)
Fact: It does not. I first saw this back when my Twi-obsession started. I laminated it and keep it by my bed as my mantra during nightly prayers. The urge has only grown.
FACT: Rob rushes out of VanCity hotel room, pushes past someone (we’re not sure who- he or she has a black mullet) and declares love for someone named UnintendedChoice…
Oops- you caught me day dreaming there,
What FACTs are you thinking about Rob lately?