Dear Rob,

Threesomes, fish tacos, Ryan Gosling and little cups of butter ? We must be breaking down your Vanity Fair photo shoot, Vanity Fair Style Obviously:

The one that was meant for us

UC: Do you get the feeling this photoshoot was meant for us? (and therefore Rob is meant for us?)
Moon: YES this photoshoot was like his GIFT to us. They asked him if he wanted to do a rocker set up or a goth one, and he was like NO we need to do Cape Cod/Martha’s Vineyard shoot for my girls
UC: right he knows that 7 years ago this fall we MET in Martha’s Vineyard.
Moon: I mean look he’s already waiting for the ferry. And he wanted to celebrate our meeting by doing a vanity fair spread for us cause he loves us THAT much
UC: right. even though we weren’t friends then and have no memories of you except for meeting that one time early in the morning in the bathroom, he did it for us
Moon: cause it’s our beginning
UC: It’s like he’s calling us back
Moon: yup and we’re coming rob…
UC: I never thought I’d go back- I loved my experience but it was a little uppity for me, but he’s showing us, “Look what our life can be” Big fluffy sweaters, lobster on our front porch…
Moon: dinner on the docks
UC: with the ocean in the background, a picnic in Gay Head…
Moon: Gay Head in the background (it’s a real place, trust); eating free wings at Seasons cause there’s nothing else to do; dragging a piano out by the ocean cause theres nothing else to do

I love Gay Head

UC: doing a photo shoot in the house in front of a painting of the lighthouse in your front yard (woah.. that’s the Gay Head lighthouse!) cause there’s nothing else to do; waiting in bed for us to join him cause there’s nothing else to do; thinking about the fun we’d have…

The one where we’re honest

UC: Be honest: if you could get Rob but it had to be a threesome with me, would you do it?
Moon: DUH I would do it!! who else would I do it with?!
UC: good I would too
Moon: think about the blog fodder!

Come here you two....

UC: OMG! We’d have so much blog content! “Breaking down our threesome”
Moon: Dear Rob and UC, remember that one time when we….
UC: we’d have the most popular you tube channel, that’s for sure
Moon: “When you made that one sound I TOTES laughed”
UC: “You sounded like a choo choo train when…” Seriously we need to do this. Threesome with Rob. For the blog, of course
Moon: Of course

Smile and the world smiles with you!

Dear Rob,

Remember when we said “if we blog it you will come?” Yea, well you were listening cause obviously you pay a lot of attention to what UC and I say every day and you showed your face! After almost a month you’ve finally come out of whatever hole you’ve been hiding in and decided to grace us with your presence. Sure, you had to leave your hotel to actually go to the airport and get on a plane but I like to think it’s because we asked you to reveal yourself and you listened. Even though you were sullen and surly looking I still looked at the pictures and longed for “old” Rob. Sullen Rob just makes me angry (ask UC, I told her I’d rather stay in my Chris Weitz bubble than look at you all sad-like). But after looking at Sunday’s pictures of you arriving in Japan, all smiles, it hit me. Your proximity to KStew and the paparazzi are directly proportional to the smile on your face.

Rob, my dear I think you might be in what folks like Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura call a “Toxic Relationship.” Hear me out on this one… first let’s back up a bit…

I was talking with UC on the phone and I said can you imagine getting off a 15+hr flight, feeling all gross from the plane and knowing you’re going to face INSANE crowds, have pictures and flashes going off and yet YOU WERE SMILING!!! If there was ever a time to be sullen and annoyed it would have been today in Japan! But you weren’t! Instead you were all annoyed looking leaving Vancouver for a 4 hour flight back to LA with KStew where you were not greeted by HALF the frenzy you were in Japan. So I was thinking it must be the KStew connection. For this trip you are flying with your team Nick and Stephanie (good to see you all back!) and director Chris Weitz (and his man purse) and no 19 yr old. What did you guys do on that long ass flight that made you so smiley when you got off compared to the little Vancouver flight?

Vancouver to LAX

• Mile high club initiation gone bad. You ended up with with the faucet up your ass and the flight attendant knocked on the door wondering what all the racket was
  

  Be sullen and you're sullen alone

• The peanuts were salted not dry roasted

• You were late to catch the flight and missed that cute little video about buckling your seat belts

• You lost your favorite plaid shirt AND Lobster hat somewhere in your hotel room and after 3 days of searching still couldn’t find it and it was time to leave

• Kristen talked to the guy in the window seat about cats for 4 hours. She was on the aisle and you were stuck in the middle. (This might be one of the 7 layers of Hell)

• You were NOT on the cover of this airlines inflight magazine

• You checked and Skymall no longer sells that Hot Dog vender cart
  

• There was no inflight movie just 2 episodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond” and you hate to say it but everybody does NOT love Raymond

So what happened on that Japan flight that made you so smiley?
Follow the cut to find out!

Wanna watch the game together this afternoon? I got a new pocket knife I want to show you

Yes, our first letter from a guy for our “How I fell for Rob” feature. But it’s not what you think. We don’t have to compete with the gay guys (yet). This guy likes Rob for a different reason…

Dear Mr. Pattinson –

I felt compelled to write you a “thank you” note and possibly send you a bottle of wine. You see, you saved my marriage and my sex life. Not that they were in any true danger, but ever since my wife has started producing what I call “RobPorn” she has been reborn (so to speak)! After ten years of marriage and two kids we had fallen into a foggy routine of comfortable stability and familiarity, but then you appeared.

I watched “Twilight” with my wife for the first time last April. It was ok, for chicks I guess, but I noticed my wife’s eyes glaze over when you passed thru the cafeteria doors. I know because she kept pausing the damn DVD and rewatching it! I commented that you were attractive “in a creepy British sort-of-way” like Hugh Grant, and was immediately silenced with a series of shhhhs. That’s where it all began.

The next day she purchased the “Twilight” box set of books from Amazon.com. For two weeks, I saw little of her. But after finishing the series she suddenly had a new hobby . . . YOU! Every free minute was spent trolling the internet for pics of you. She spent endless hours watching other Rob related smut on YouTube. Then the inevitable happened, she hit me up for a new computer and software so she too, could become a purveyor of RobPorn. I have to say I was skeptical at first. But all of that pent-up sexual tension from watching you had to go somewhere, and luckily it came my way! In abundance!!!

Steve, I'll let you borrow my dad sweater

I don’t mind now when she spends endless hours editing videos of you, jotting down storyboard ideas at the dinner table, and chatting incessantly on random Rob blog sites because I know I will get my just rewards for humoring her. I love my wife. She is the most beautiful woman in the world. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother for my children and better friend for myself. It makes me happy to know that you, Mr. Pattinson, make her happy! So I support her “Robsession” wholeheartedly.

So, in closing, thank you, Rob! Thank you for firing up the women of the world, especially my wife!

Cordially,

Steve

So we’ve seen the convos in the comments from time to time about if or what your men/hubbys think of your acute fondness for Rob…but are they like Steve? Kinda grateful? Or are they in the dark? Talk it out!

Then have fun on The Forum and LTR

Dear Rob,

Did you wake up this morning and scream “AH” because you thought TomStu put a big black-haired monster in bed next to you as a Halloween joke? But then you calmed down because you realized it was just Kristen in her redneck Halloween costume? Then you screamed again because you realized the mullet wasn’t a costume and still hadn’t grown out? I understand.  And I’m here to save you cuz I heard your final scream of panic that was louder the one you had for the monster and the mullet all the way here in Pennsylvania. You’re right. You did forget Halloween. But I’m here to save the day.

It won’t cost you a lot. It won’t take you a lot of time. No, no…. you have so many Halloween costumes right in your hotel room- just take a look around at the items you’ve stolen from the many sets you’ve been on, hotels you’ve stayed in or tourist attractions you’ve visited. You could go as:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Waiter at a Seafood Restaurant: You already have the lobster hat (and I’m sure you stole this lobster bib). If you want to work at some-sort of theme restaurant, you already know the words to “Nacho-Nacho Man” so you can sing it while serving the apps.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Psychiatrist on a first-name basis with the sales reps at Harris Tweed: All you’d have to do is add those leather patches to the elbows of your Edward coat. You can improvise & cut out shapes from the brown bag from your latest liquor store run. Then you can get it on with your hot patient on your psychiatrist couch. Guess who I am dressing up as for Halloween? (Hint: I need a prescription for Prozac)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marcus Foster: This one is really easy. Go to that big mound of dirty laundry on your floor. Dig underneath. Keep digging. Keeeeeep diggin. There. See that shirt? Yes the one Marcus left on your floor a few months back. Shake it out. Febreeze that bad boy. Put it on. Bam- you’re Marcus. If you really want to perfect the look, spend a few minutes googling images of weasels and imitate them.

See, Rob? I saved the day. Now why don’t you steal Carlisle’s scrubs and lab coat and you can be Dr. Love. I’ll be the patient

Trick or Treat!
Love,
UnintendedChoice

Follow the jump for a special surprise:

Dear Rob,

Thanks for showing your face yesterday. Moving on, while you were missing I started to see you everywhere. You know- in the trees whispering “spider monkey” as I walked by; Under my bed as I was vacuuming (Actually I did see you under my bed. My RobPorn binder fell out from the under mattress and slipped underneath); And after a night of binge drinking Heineken & eating 2 boxes of Hot Pockets (you know, it was like a “rain dance” to the rob gods for you to show up somewhere), I swear I saw your face for a second in my throw up as I heaved over the toilet. So it’s no surprise that when Hermes Hermes sent us an email about a product she came across, I immediately thought of you.

Hermes Hermes (which is a great name as my first name and married name also rhyme (yep- you caught me. It’s Bunny Hunny)) wrote to tell us about the boyfriend pillow. It advertises,

Do you hate sleeping on your own? Are you unable to sleep on your own? Divorced, separated, widowed or just lonely? Is your partner away a lot? The Boyfriend Arm Pillow is the answer. It’s the ideal bedtime companion with many advantages over sleeping with a man:

• Does not toss and turn
• Does not snore, cough or sneeze
• Does not wake you up in the middle of the night
• Will never complain
• Is always faithful

Hermes thought the following should be added to the description, and I agree:

• DOES NOT FART
• DOES NOT DEMAND SEX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (WITHOUT RECIPROCAL SATISFACTION)
• DOES NOT GET BREAD CRUMBS ALL OVER THE BED.
• DOES NOT KICK OFF THE COVERS.
• DOES NOT SHOVE YOU OVER ON THE DAMP SPOT ON THE BED

I, of course, immediately ordered myself one of these and it just arrived yesterday. But I upgraded to a “Customized” Boyfriend Arm Pillow. See it after the jump!

Twice in one day? Can I handle this?

Dear Rob,

Yep. You’re seeing this right, a SECOND letter to you today! (If you haven’t read the first letter yet, make sure you do now) Here are the rest of the questions for your New Moon interviews, suggested by the twitters, to spice things up a bit:

@tiffanized: If you had it to do over again, would you have auditioned for Mike Newton instead?

@JodieO: Hey Rob, were your parents ever swingers with TomStu’s parents?

@tiffanized: Know any good dumpsters around here?

@PinkFluffGirl: how do you feel about auditioning…in my bedroom?

@MacyBlair: What do you wear to bed? Stoli shirt & button fly jeans? Thought so!

@tiffanized: If there was a fire in your ‘palatial pad’, which would you save: Kristen or your love notes from TomStu?

@lovelynessa: how much did you hate Peter for forcing you to tweet?

@PhyllmeupRob: Do you exfoliate? Cause damn you’ve got great skin.

@ordinary_girl84: Do you get mad when KStew steals your plaid? How many Hot Pockets can you eat in one sitting?

Wait, what am I saying? I can do better than twice. Let's try for 4 times!

@jesswong1987:  When you see taylor in his jorts, do you want to move to georgia too?

@DesiEnM: Rob do u like it long and thin or short and thick? the Mullet Hair that is. (I bet he’ll confuse it with TomStu’s sausage

@JittzPattzing: what was the question on the French interview that u and Kris freaked out about & skipped that u didn’t read off the monitor?

@JodieO: So, Rob, how many hot pockets can you stuff into your mouth at one time?

Can’t wait to hear the answers!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Want to be involved in fun twitter games like this? Make sure you’re following us! Thanks to everyone who participated, even if we didn’t use your suggestion this time! And a special thanks to @tiffanized who entered a billion times and each time got funnier!

After the jump, a super duper special Cullen Smile:

This is when they asked me how I channel Edward...for the 7th time

Dear Rob,

Today I’m not going to mention your 24 day absence. I’m not going to give you the pleasure of knowing it bothers me. Instead I’m going to look toward the future to a brighter time in my life. Yes, I’m talking about the upcoming days when you’ll be forced into a small room, with a camera in front of your face for ten hour stretches at a time, to answer the same questions over and over again at a press junket. Not to mention the 4 am wake-up calls you’ll have so that you can jump on the phone with east coast radio stations so their cheesy AM DJs can ask you questions about Kristen they’re not supposed to ask. The exhaustion and utter annoyance with the forced promotion and canned list of responses Summit made you memorize is sure to provide many awkward moments for us to enjoy in the days and weeks ahead. I.can’t.wait.

Apotampkin sent us an email yesterday with some concerns listed in the form a letter to your interviewers. Perhaps you can laminate this and make them read it before they ask you any questions:

Dear Interviewers,

In the spirit of keeping things interesting, could I please beg of you to PLEASE stop asking Rob about his fame and how he’s handling it. He’s mega famous – we get it – he gets it – how many times do we have to hear the deer-in-the-headlights quote? Can you please ask him some interesting questions about his life and his future? I would like to know what other scripts he’s been reading…what’s happening with his music now…why hasn’t he worn his new Stoli shirt yet? Does he still love hot pockets or has his taste matured since becoming wealthy? Is he aware of the pumpkin carving contest in his honour and what does he think of it? IS HE EVER COMING TO AUSTRALIA??? (sorry didn’t mean to shout – just got a bit excited at the thought).

It would be extra nice to hear something new.

This is when they asked me why I didn't hook up with Ashley- I couldn't remember why

I agree with Apotampkin and myself fear for the lameness of the interviews in your future. I mean how many times can we hear you explain how you relate or do not relate to Edward? Seriously- Does anyone actually think you can answer that question with a straight face? I mean, Edward is a vampire. He drinks blood and refrains from sex! What’s there to relate to about that guy? I hope you’re practicing your straight-faced answer in the mirror every day. Or else you’re screwed.

And what about when they ask the inevitable questions about Kristen? Can’t you just be honest? What’s Summit gonna do? Fire you? That’s not gonna happen. So when Elvis Duran’s annoying-as-crap radio voice wakes you from a blissful dream where Hot Pocket offered to make you custom pockets for life (pepperoni in a Heineken sauce with a beer-battered crust topped with Cinnamon Crisp flakes) to ask you, “RPattz- give us the low-down on what’s going on with your girl KStew” (Cuz only radio DJs say “RPattz” “KStew” and “low-down” out loud), why don’t you shock us? Say something like, “Elvis, my man, KStew is great in bed. You should try her out.” or “Eh, isn’t Swiftner a hotter topic these days? I’ll talk about them” Or my favorite suggestion, “She’s cool, but that mullet is starting to stink.” Give us something good!

We deserve it, really. I mean, who else would stick around during a 24 day drought? Or is it 25? Or 23? Eff it- who’s counting? Me, I’m counting.

Anticipating the potentially awkward, definitely repetitive yet blissful moments of countless hours of video, audio and images of you looking, sounding, and acting exhausted and utterly adorkable,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, read the questions the twitterers want Rob to answer!

This is how I see you now... a blur of hair and eyebrows

Dear Rob-

You know when you’ve be apart from someone you love for so long that you start to forget what they look like? And in your memories they just become a blurry face? Well, yea that’s happening. It’s been 23 days since we last saw your mug during the whole Elevatorgate 09 shenanigans. It’s like you rode up that elevator and never came back down. And now you’re becoming nothing but a distant memory to me. I’m even wearing my Team Jacob (Cause Edward Bites) shirt in protest! What have you done to me?!

I’m gonna stop beating around the bush here, I’ve got nothing left to talk about. I don’t care about Robsten anymore, I still don’t know what Remember Me is about, I’ve given up trying to figure out stains, holes and other questionable stuff on your clothes and I’VE GIVEN UP!  I’m just here waiting, hoping, checking the webs for any sign of your face. And like Meredith Grey said: I’m just a girl and you’re just a boy but I love you so I’m asking you to pick me, choose me, LOVE ME! Ok, well maybe not but how about you just show you choose me by coming out of hiding!

And I know we’ve said you need to make us WANT it (that’s what she said) and you need to make us miss you. Well, mission freaking accomplished cause I miss you. I just wrote a prayer to you on Twitter and I’m sitting here wearing a Team Jacob shirt, listening to Taylor Swift and watching videos of them, dissecting their lingering hand holding with UC. This is my rock bottom Rob, I got nothing left!

They say if you build it they will come, but we’re switching it up and we’re gonna blog it:

So come! Come out of hiding!! We need you to show your face and preferably not within 5 feet of a mullet.

Absence is making the heart grow sadder,
Themoonisdown

So should we take bets on WHEN Rob will be seen next? What will he be doing? What will he be wearing? Have you given up yet?

Commiserate and remember the good ‘ol days on The Forum
Enjoy something interesting and not groveling over at LTT

Dear LTRers,

I refuse to write to Rob until he shows his face (or until Thursday when I have an idea for a letter to him), so we’re going to take a quiz, inspired by my love of quizzes from teen magazines and desire to create one for the first time in my life. Get our your Bite me Edward notepad and a No. 2 pencil, preferably with an Edward Cullen pencil topper.  Seriously, I’ll wait. Write down your answers with the corresponding number or letters. And add up your points at the end!

Me, on tape. I'll be the naked one

The “Would you do that with Robert Pattinson” quiz?

The Sex Tape

1. What if a sex tape leaked of Rob. Would you watch it? (You don’t know who the girl is yet (or boy))

2. Would you watch it if Kristen was the girl?

3. If you answered  “No” above, answer the following: (circle all that apply)

a. Would you watch it with the sound off?
b. Would you watch him with anyone else? Who? (It can’t be yourself!)
c. Would you take a peek? Maybe fast-forwarding on the slowest fast-forward setting?
d. Would you still be curious, even if you never ended up watching it?

4. If you answered “Yes” for question #2, answer the following: (circle all that apply)

a. Would you pay to see it?
b. Would you throw a party & watch it with your friends? While eating snacks?
c. Would you watch it with a man in your life?

Just like Rob

5. Answer the following yes/no questions honestly:

a. Are you now a little nicer to the homeless because of how Rob often looks homeless?
b. Did you hate the look of plaid before but now find it endearing?
c. Do you now drink Heineken “just because” he does?
d. Have you bought any of the books on his pretentious book-reading list and pretended to like it? But actually hated it?
e. Does your heart flutter at the sound of a British accent?
f. Do you think of Rob while you’re with someone who isn’t Rob in bed?

Leave him for me. Please?

The Serious questions (aka put on your tweed to answer these)

6. Somehow you meet Rob and he wants to be with you, would you leave your significant other for him?

7. If you answered “no” above, would you seriously consider leaving your significant other?

8. If you answered “no” for question #5, would you consider just having a quick fling with Rob then going back to your significant other?

The “Those were too serious- back to crazy questions” questions:

9. Pretend you’re single if you’re not: Would you get in a relationship with one of following in order to get close to Rob? (circle all that apply)

a. Sam Bradley
b. Marcus Foster
c. Bobby Long
d. Tom Sturridge
e. Nick Frankel

Score yourself after the jump!

Dear Rob,

As I was traipsing (yes, I frolic through the interwebs) around my favorite sites and through my emails I couldn’t help but notice some funny stuff. We all know the poor print industry is really feeling it these days, what with the internet stealing their glory and I saw a few things that caught my eye. Us here in the blogging/site world have post title’s where we can create titles to try and lure readers in or hope and pray to God it shows up in an appropriate (or not so much) Google search, but the print folks don’t have that, instead they have headlines and from what I’ve seen it looks like they’re using them for everything they’re worth trying to pique us readers’ interest to pick up the mag and actually buy it. And well from the stuff I’ve seen I definitely think they’re doing that! Sometimes even at your expense and those are the best times (of course)!

First we have the Series City magazine and they’ve titled this the “Hors Series.” I mean we know you’re a man whore Rob, but what about those two sluts behind you? Ashley, well we’ve seen her goodies all over the interwebs after she made the classic “Oh I’ll take nudie pics on my computer for my boyfriend of 3 days and email them so he’ll love me forever even though he’ll probably show them to his gross sweaty friends and then years from now after I dumped him at a Frat party will release them after I’m big and famous” mistake of your youth. As far as Kristen goes, she wears pot leaf bikini’s on boats so I’m just gonna go ahead and say “if the shoe fits, wear it!” Oh Whores Magazine we love you and your subtlety!

Follow the cut to see the rest of the best in funny magazines