Thanks for showing your face yesterday. Moving on, while you were missing I started to see you everywhere. You know- in the trees whispering “spider monkey” as I walked by; Under my bed as I was vacuuming (Actually I did see you under my bed. My RobPorn binder fell out from the under mattress and slipped underneath); And after a night of binge drinking Heineken & eating 2 boxes of Hot Pockets (you know, it was like a “rain dance” to the rob gods for you to show up somewhere), I swear I saw your face for a second in my throw up as I heaved over the toilet. So it’s no surprise that when Hermes Hermes sent us an email about a product she came across, I immediately thought of you.
Hermes Hermes (which is a great name as my first name and married name also rhyme (yep- you caught me. It’s Bunny Hunny)) wrote to tell us about the boyfriend pillow. It advertises,
Do you hate sleeping on your own? Are you unable to sleep on your own? Divorced, separated, widowed or just lonely? Is your partner away a lot? The Boyfriend Arm Pillow is the answer. It’s the ideal bedtime companion with many advantages over sleeping with a man:
- Does not toss and turn
- Does not snore, cough or sneeze
- Does not wake you up in the middle of the night
- Will never complain
- Is always faithful
Hermes thought the following should be added to the description, and I agree:
- DOES NOT FART
- DOES NOT DEMAND SEX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (WITHOUT RECIPROCAL SATISFACTION)
- DOES NOT GET BREAD CRUMBS ALL OVER THE BED.
- DOES NOT KICK OFF THE COVERS.
- DOES NOT SHOVE YOU OVER ON THE DAMP SPOT ON THE BED
I, of course, immediately ordered myself one of these and it just arrived yesterday. But I upgraded to a “Customized” Boyfriend Arm Pillow. See it after the jump!
The description will be such:
Do you hate sleeping without Rob? Are you unable to sleep without Rob? Divorced because your man isn’t Rob? Separated because your husband left you because you do nothing but think or talk of Rob? Widowed because you killed your husband that one time he said “Rob is a tool?” Or just lonely and depressed because you’ll never get Rob? Is your partner away a lot leaving you with ample time to fanfic it up, caress your laminated RobPorn pictures while surfing the web for news of Rob ? The Rob Pattinson Arm Pillow is the answer. It’s the ideal bedtime companion with many advantages over actually sleeping with Rob:
- Will not turn and leave you after you drift off to sleep to go play videogames with TomStu.
- Does not mumble when he sings you a lullaby.
- Does not wake you up in the middle of the night fearing he heard the PattinsonPants lady outside his window.
- Will never stray for any type of German model, male British singer or mullet-wearer.
- Will not wake you with a late night phone call since the Jitterbug turns off after 9:15 pm.
- Does not get hot pocket crumbs all over the bed.
- Does not mind your cat and mention it’s eventual death.
- Your hair won’t smell like smoke, British friends of Rob or stale beer since the plaid shirt covering will only ever smell of your own drool.
The Rob Pattinson Arm Pillow will be available just in time for you to take him with you to the Midnight showing of New Moon. In fact, if you do and send us a picture of your date-night, you get a $5 rebate. That’s right! With the rebate, the price of the Rob Pattinson Arm Pillow is only $195.95. Plus, if you call in the next 5 minutes, we’ll throw in this Heineken Beer Cooler.
And for LTR readers only, we’re gonna throw in this Rob Pattinson necklace, which we think is supposed to be an image of Frida Kahlo but clearly is, instead, of Rob. All this, plus in-numerous hours of blissful sleep with Rob dreams on a scratchy plaid fabric surface for ONLY $195.95!
Find a better deal out there and I’ll call you Sofa King crazy!
So, Rob, don’t disappear again. You’ve already turned me into an “As seen on TV” sales person. Don’t make me start attending “Mumblers Anonymous” meetings or perusing tweed factories looking for you
I’ll be seeing you,
Thanks to Hermes Hermes for sending this in & for your awesome ideas!
And to Therese for sending in “Frida Roblo”