Today I’m not going to mention your 24 day absence. I’m not going to give you the pleasure of knowing it bothers me. Instead I’m going to look toward the future to a brighter time in my life. Yes, I’m talking about the upcoming days when you’ll be forced into a small room, with a camera in front of your face for ten hour stretches at a time, to answer the same questions over and over again at a press junket. Not to mention the 4 am wake-up calls you’ll have so that you can jump on the phone with east coast radio stations so their cheesy AM DJs can ask you questions about Kristen they’re not supposed to ask. The exhaustion and utter annoyance with the forced promotion and canned list of responses Summit made you memorize is sure to provide many awkward moments for us to enjoy in the days and weeks ahead. I.can’t.wait.
Apotampkin sent us an email yesterday with some concerns listed in the form a letter to your interviewers. Perhaps you can laminate this and make them read it before they ask you any questions:
In the spirit of keeping things interesting, could I please beg of you to PLEASE stop asking Rob about his fame and how he’s handling it. He’s mega famous – we get it – he gets it – how many times do we have to hear the deer-in-the-headlights quote? Can you please ask him some interesting questions about his life and his future? I would like to know what other scripts he’s been reading…what’s happening with his music now…why hasn’t he worn his new Stoli shirt yet? Does he still love hot pockets or has his taste matured since becoming wealthy? Is he aware of the pumpkin carving contest in his honour and what does he think of it? IS HE EVER COMING TO AUSTRALIA??? (sorry didn’t mean to shout – just got a bit excited at the thought).
It would be extra nice to hear something new.
I agree with Apotampkin and myself fear for the lameness of the interviews in your future. I mean how many times can we hear you explain how you relate or do not relate to Edward? Seriously- Does anyone actually think you can answer that question with a straight face? I mean, Edward is a vampire. He drinks blood and refrains from sex! What’s there to relate to about that guy? I hope you’re practicing your straight-faced answer in the mirror every day. Or else you’re screwed.
And what about when they ask the inevitable questions about Kristen? Can’t you just be honest? What’s Summit gonna do? Fire you? That’s not gonna happen. So when Elvis Duran’s annoying-as-crap radio voice wakes you from a blissful dream where Hot Pocket offered to make you custom pockets for life (pepperoni in a Heineken sauce with a beer-battered crust topped with Cinnamon Crisp flakes) to ask you, “RPattz- give us the low-down on what’s going on with your girl KStew” (Cuz only radio DJs say “RPattz” “KStew” and “low-down” out loud), why don’t you shock us? Say something like, “Elvis, my man, KStew is great in bed. You should try her out.” or “Eh, isn’t Swiftner a hotter topic these days? I’ll talk about them” Or my favorite suggestion, “She’s cool, but that mullet is starting to stink.” Give us something good!
We deserve it, really. I mean, who else would stick around during a 24 day drought? Or is it 25? Or 23? Eff it- who’s counting? Me, I’m counting.
Anticipating the potentially awkward, definitely repetitive yet blissful moments of countless hours of video, audio and images of you looking, sounding, and acting exhausted and utterly adorkable,
After the jump, read the questions the twitterers want Rob to answer!
@JodieO: Tell me, Rob, what was your “friend” Marcus’s sweaty shirt doing on your floor to begin with? Are you a Heath or a Jake?
@PinkFluffGirl: What Playboy are you hiding in your pretentious book no longer in publication?
@FredsNoSped: How many takes did it take you to perfect THE TUCK?
@tiffanized: Did you ever accidentally walk in on Dick & Clare “doin’ it”?
@PhyllmeupRob: Were your parents strict? Did they spank you? If so, does that make you want to spank…me?
@Proselyte3: I’d ask him where he wants my tongue first. *said without a shred of modesty or decorum*
@tiffanized: Can you get me Buttcrack Santa’s home phone number?
@Meridithjdavis: I would ask Rob if he does his own laundry. Or do you think he has someone else wash his dirty drawers and Marcus’s shirts?
@tiffanized: What’s your sleep number?
@myRobPattinson: How come every time you come around My London London Bridge wanna go down? Like London London London
@jesswong1987: how big is IT? (and by it i mean his hot pocket fort of course)
What questions would YOU ask Rob?
And because there were SO many amazing entries on Twitter, I’m posting 12 more later in the day. Yes! That’s right! Two posts, one day! I know! Pigs are flying, hell froze over and the Yankees won the world series*
*hollllaaa Go Phils!