Making your husband look better and better every day!

*Welcome back to our regularly occurring post we have called “How I fell for Rob” where LTR readers write Rob a letter explaining how they fell for him. Klutzy writes a letter today and have the tissues handy, or someone to hug!*

Dear Rob,

I can barely remember the exact date and how I fell for you but one thing is sure, you, Rob, made me love my husband even more. A couple of years ago, my husband had to move abroad for a better job offer. Since I loved my job back home and I didn’t like the idea of moving and living away from our family and friends, we agreed that he’ll give it a try living apart and  he would come back every year. He loved the place and his new job but our distance plus the monthly phone bills become unbearable, so after all his promises and drama, I finally took pity on him, gave in, and left my job, at least to try.
c

The beginning of the end for a lot of ladies!

Three months later, and the excitement to this new place were gone and I was dying to go home. In his desperate attempt to keep me from going back home, last  July, DH (dear Husband) brought a Twilight DVD home while awkwardly telling me that ‘it might sound lame’ but all the gals in his office can’t stop gushing over this ‘Twilight thing’ so they suggested that maybe I’d like to give it a try. I’d heard Twilight before but never paid attention having known that it’s a story about a vampire. Feeling bored the next day, I watched the movie in our bedroom, thinking I’ll fall asleep anyway but boy, the moment you entered the cafeteria, I was blessed and reborn, helpless and drooling like a sixteen year old. The next day, I went to buy all four books, came home and found DH waiting for me, surprisingly handing me the same four books that I have just bought (really!). It took me five days and five nights to finish reading all the books and repeated it several times after that. DH never complained, never asked and seems so happy that I no longer mention anything about going home or getting a job. I spent almost the entire day watching interviews, drooling on your photos and lurking on every site about you. Trying to be inconspicuous, I tried to minimize our bonding moments whenever DH’s around.

Follow the cut to read how awesome Klutzy’s husband is…

When we received this fan submitted letter I knew I just HAD to post it…. I think it might resonate with many of us!

Have an immaculate orgasm in 3....2....1...

Dear Rob,

We have a problem. No, I didn’t run out of Hot Pockets. You’re safe there. This is a much bigger, much deeper problem. [UC note: That’s what she said] My husband knows about us. I have hid it well for the past several months since the fated day I let a high school student of mine convince me to read Twilight. (Yes, Rob, I know it doesn’t make sense for a 24 year old woman to take reading suggestions from a 16 year old girl; however, this time, she was spot on.) I tried to do all my Rob browsing in secret. I tried to keep my conversations about you light and non-committal, because lets face it, its not like I couldn’t NOT talk about you. Now, it seems, he knows of my infidelity. Apparently, I have not been as stealth as I thought. He has seen the pictures I horde on my laptop, he has noticed my uncontrollable need to watch Twilight at least three times a week and he has discovered (through the treachery of a friend’s husband, who shall remained unnamed) that when a certain friend of mine and I get together, few words are uttered that do not include Rob, Edward, RPatz, Twilight and immaculate orgasms.

What are we going to do, Rob? How can I ever continue this secret affair when its not so secret anymore? Its already causing fights between my husband and I. He called you a bad name, Rob. I know, I know, love, it hurts me, too. I defended you vehemently, which only made it worse. My husband screeched “You’re defending him?! I can’t believe you’re defending him!” It was awful. He had attributed my joyous moods and sudden interest in sex to his own prowess. I had to tell him the truth. I only wanted sex with him so I could think of you. I am ashamed to admit it out loud to you.

When my husband first approached me and tried to talk some sense into me, I knew I would have to make a decision. Knowing all problems can be solved by rereading the Twilight series, I dove headfirst into the books. I knew I would find my answer there. I did, Rob. I found my answer. To quote my guide to living, “I know who I can’t live without.” I knew that in the end, I would have to give someone up. I’m so sorry, Rob. I never meant for this to happen, but it has. It breaks my heart to do this, but this is the way it has to be. I’m sorry.

Is this thing heated?

The only thing that truly bothers me about this whole situation is where I’m going to get health insurance after I leave my husband. Does Summit have good coverage? Can I join your plan when I move into your Hot Pocket Fort? By the way, I’m prolly gonna at least need your address and phone number, so we can work out all the important details of my new living arrangements, with you, in Vancouver, or LA, or London, or wherever it is you want to get me a palatial pad and put me up in style, so I’m always ready and willing for you to stop by and satisfy your, er, basic needs.

Get back to me as soon as possible, Rob, so I know what city to buy my plane ticket to, what type of lingerie I should buy and who will be picking me up from the airport. I know this is all very sudden, but I know its for the best. Don’t worry. We’ll be happy together. I will take good care of you and I hearby do solemnly swear to never cut my hair into a mullet- you have my word on that. Until then, I will be forever your’s. (And homeless, cause my husband kicked me out. Hurry, please, Rob, its cold here and I don’t have any plaid OR flannel.)

Signed, with love,
Someone Who Will Actually BE Homeless if Her Husband Ever Reads This

Okay, so I’ve TOTES been there, done that with the whole “hubby  has the convo about Rob with me” thing. Fess up- I know it’s happened to YOU too…. Let’s talk about how awesomesauce those convos are!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

It’s Friday! Yay! We love to post hot pictures of Rob on Fridays to get us pumped for the weekend. I came across this great fan letter and thought it was the perfect theme for this Friday!

Dear Rob,
Because of you, I have to throw the last two years of my graduate nursing education out the window. Please let me explain.

You see, I’ve been a nurse for 12 years. Currently, I’m enrolled in graduate school finishing up my Masters Degree in Nursing (with a Nurse Educator focus I might add…..can I teach at the Rob Pattinson University when I’m through??  I’ll be honored to become your token TILF)……. ANYHOO, I’m digressing….and daydreaming  ; )

Back to the point. You see, the past two years I’ve been researching smoking cessation (I know, YAWN!) and am actually writing my thesis on the importance of quitting smoking. The problem is, I’m preaching to everyone that smoking is bad, but then you come along and add a whole new definition and dimension to the word “smoking”. It just may be easier to show you what I mean, as pictures speak a thousand words.

You see, here you smoking…..but, you are also SMOKIN’!!!!

And then there’s this one……

Can you see my dilemma? How can I possibly promote smoking cessation when that’d mean giving this up?

And let me take it one step further with this next photo:

You see, when you look at me this way, my (cough..ahem) starts smokin’.  Now we know we don’t want THAT smokin’ to go away!!

So where does this leave me? Do I throw away the last two years of my education and all of my research on smoking cessation? Or do I just add a whole new section to my thesis entitled “Smokin’: The RPattz Way” with my literature review citing sources such as LTR, LTT, and twitter? I’d of course need to theorize why this category of smoking is by all means NOT to be “cessated”.

So there you have it. You may owe me tuition reimbursement as you may have quite possibly destroyed and made null the last two years of my education. I’ll let you know as I’m SUPPOSED to graduate this spring, though I fear I may be set back now.

Love,
Promotin’ Smokin’

So smokin’ is the “cool” thing to do in my group of friends- especially with the guys. You’d think we’re all 13 or something instead of 26-35 year olds. Last night we were watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” eating brie with pears, cranberries and cinnamon and drinking champagne & downing car bombs (it was a good night) when 4-5 of the guys disappeared. They came back 10 minutes later REEKING of freshly smoked something. I literally thought…. “I wouldn’t mind so much if you looked like Rob….” But alas, while they’re cute guys, they are most definitely not Rob. So after the jump, let’s kick off our weekend with the hottest pictures of the hottest guy EVER making smoking look extremely hot! -UC

(As the week of Chanukah draws to a close and hot on the heels of her super successful explanation of the Jewish Holiday Rosh Hashana, Zees is back to explain the holiday Chanukah to Rob.  So grab your dreidels and let’s get started…)

Time to put on your yarmulka again Rob!

Dear Rob,

Put on your yarmulka, its time to celebrate Chanukah!  What’s Chanukah, you ask?  The great sage Adam Sandler tells us it’s “The Festival of Lights.” But what the eff does that mean, and why are there eight crazy nights of it?  We’re smack in the middle of this awesome Jewish holiday, and I told you in my Rosh Hashana letter that I would be back to explain Chanukah to you, Rob, so here we are.  Pull up a chair, Rob, and get naked comfy, because we are about to live out my ultimate teacher/student fantasy and once again, get you Hebrew Schooled!

Chanukah is a historical holiday with a lot of sub stories, political upheaval, battles, etc.    But I know you just want to get to the fun part, so I’ll try and make this quick but awesome*.  In the Second Century BC, the Syrian-Greeks were in control of the land of Judea, and decided that they didn’t want the Jewish people to practice their religion anymore.  They issued many edicts that outlawed things like studying Jewish law and observing Jewish customs.  Also, they outlawed circumcision.  (Would that be something that would affect you? Moon and I, and uh, a few other people want to know). They brought foreign/unholy objects into the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem, and ruined every jug of oil that could be used to light the menorah in the holy Temple. Rendering it:  DEFILED!  UNCLEAN! The Maccabees, who were a small group of Jewish resistance fighters, took it upon themselves to fight the Greeks in the name of G-d.  Militarily speaking, there was no way to win the war, but the small group of untrained fighters beat the immense Greek army.  The first thing the Maccabees did after the war was over was go to the Temple to try and get things up and running again, namely, to light the menorah.  They found one small jug of undefiled olive oil that only had enough l to last for one day, but miraculously, the oil burned for eight days, which is how long it takes to make fresh pure oil.  To commemorate that miracle, Jewish people all around the world light menorahs in our homes for eight nights, eat foods fried in oil (hell yeah! But more on that later) and generally be joyous.  Because miracles are cool.  In a miraculous sort of way.

Wow, that’s a lot to take in!*  Did you zone out? Are you wondering how many panties poofed when the Remember Me Trailer hit the internet? Or about how I could make you a young dad? Well, too bad cause there’s MORE!

Get ready for eight crazy nights!

G-d, this is already so long, but there’s more!*

Let me try and explain the story in a way that might help you better understand.  Let’s say you are in your hotel room, and the fort you have built is the finest a cardboard fort has ever been.  Vancouver Fort has NOTHING on this one.  Hot Pocket boxes, pizza boxes, Heineken cartons–your masterpiece is a sight to behold.  Now suppose Kristen Stewart (because in all my daydreams about you, she shows up as the villain) walks in and says, “Rob, I declare myself queen of the fort and I am taking over!  You are no longer allowed to read Sex-Driven People while thinking about the lovely bloggers and commenters of LTR.  You can no longer wear plaid shirts, and Nikki Reed, Megan Fox and I are going to move in to your fort.  I don’t even know Megan Fox, but she once said she would eat you alive and that’s sufficiently dirty and creepy, so I’m moving her in here with me and yout co-star/Greek crab keeper!”  DEFILED! UNCLEAN! Rob, you know this is wrong and you need to fix it!  So you gather up the BritPack, who, let’s be honest, have no chance in hell in an epic battle against those three “ladies”, and when the sparkledust settles, you emerge victorious and kick them out of your fort!  Naturally, the first thing you are going to do is reinstate the good times in your cardboard castle of transfat and beer bellies.  And you need to dress the part.  But, OH NO!  There is only one plaid shirt!  Nature dictates that the shirt should only be worn for one day before it needs to be washed, but, THE MIRACLE OF ROB-UKAH occurs and it lasts for eight nights which is the exact amount of time it takes for you to steal something else off of Marcus Foster’s floor!

On second thought, that’s not really a miracle for you.  More of a constant occurrence. But I think you get the point.

Follow the cut to read about some fun Chanukah activities, Rob-erized of course!

Have you ever e-mailed a friend something like this?

Dear Rob,

We interrupt your relaxing in LA (aka your “I’m staying out of the public eye so that UC has nothing to write but made-up PSAs” time) to share a Public Service Announcement with our readers. Feel free to print out a few hundred copies and throw them through the fast-food drive through windows when you order your double double cheeseburger with bacon, leave them on the counter at the gas station convenience store when you run in to pick up a week’s supply of funyuns or drop them at the doctors office when you go in to get your prescription for your ‘can-only-order-from-the-doctor-beacause-stores-don’t-sell-them-so-big” condoms.

So…. I just looked at outtake #1 only of the Vanity Fair shoot with Rob…. I’m having heart palpitations!!! Whew!!! What is it that makes my body shudder??? Seriously!!!! I don’t like someone having control over me like this- especially someone I don’t know!!! Wait a minute….. i’m totally OK with Robert having control over me!! hahahaha!! I seriously don’t think I can look at the rest right now. it’s too distracting! -ItalianGirl

Have you ever made something like this in your not-so-spare time?

-JulieP

Have you ever experienced a scenario like this?

I went to CVS last night to pick up prescriptions and there just happened to be a December issue of Vanity Fair there! One left! It must be a sign! So I set it on the counter. I finally got all my prescription stuff squared away and paid and left. It was not until I walked down the aisle and looked at the condoms that I realized I forgot the Rob Vanity Fair on the counter haha. Yep those are the types of things that trigger my rob memory -Jen

Have you ever woken up and were not sure how it got to be the month that it is?

Was it like you lost a huge chunk of time and days, weeks and months went by without you even knowing it? Do alerts chime daily on your computer reminding you of reports you were supposed to run months ago at work? Have your children been begging to be fed? Do your house’s toilets cry out for you to clean them? Do Christmas presents need to be bought, wrapped and sent from last year?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you might have the Robert Pattinson Fever.

Hello, I'm Doctor Rob. What seems to be the problem?

Other symptoms include:

• The Robert Pattinson shakes: This might occur when you’re anticipating something Rob-related. Found out he’s going to be on Ellen in 3 weeks, 7 days and 4 hours? Shakes. Found out there’s a chance he might come to your town for Remember Me promotion? Shakes. Learned that your 2nd cousin’s ex-husband’s brother’s best friend went to a Bobby Long concert, bought him a beer and they had a 37 second conversation where Bobby said, “My friend Rob likes that team too!*” Major Shakes.
• The Robert Pattinson trembles: Commonly occurs after a leaked photo-shoot. After Urban Cowboy Rob came out from GQ did you tremble so hard you thought you might morph into a cowgirl yourself? When you saw the leaked photos from Harper’s Bazaar, did you tremble with anger that it was not you he was riding the motorcycle with?
• The Robert Pattinson gooey-feeling: You might notice a feeling in your stomach like you’re on a see-saw from time to time. Or like you’re on a really fast roller-coaster. You may have a strong desire to imagine that you’re riding the Robert Pattinson roller-coaster- the Robert Pattinson express. That’s Normal. It’s just the fever setting in, making you delirious and causing you to think sexual things about a really fast piece of machinery that actually has nothing to do with Rob and has a better chance of killing you than providing you sexual pleasure.
• The inevitable barfing: Did you head out to the local karaoke dive with the girls last weekend only to discover that your former favorite song to sing with the the local drunk (Willy the drunk guy) “I love Rock n’ Roll” now causes you to keel over and dry heave? Used to love to put the Italian spice “oregano” on your pizza but no longer seem to be able to stomach the stuff? The Robert Pattinson fever can cause your subconscious to revolt against anything remotely-related to Kristen Stewart. Barfing will always inevitably come with the realization that Kristen Stewart gets to tap that.

Be safe. Stay indoors with your GQ, Vanity Fair, Harpar’s Bazaar & collection of 4207 pictures on your computer. Stay away from REAL roller-coasters. And never, ever watch that movie “Panic Room” from 2002.

I got a fever… and the only prescription.. is more Urban Cowboy + Lobster + Motorcycle (minus the beeyotch) Robert Pattinson, all doing me on a roller-coaster (while eating funyuns),
UnintendedChoice

*There’s a good chance Bobby was referring to a different friend named Rob as a sentence containing “Rob” and “likes that team” has never before been uttered.

Thanks to Italian Girl & Jen, my two real-life friends for their hilarious stories (okay Italian girl’s was a real reaction to her seeing the Vanity Fair pictures for the first time!) and to JulieP for the brilliant hand-cuffed RobPorn!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter



the jaw makes it into the movie poster... smart people!

Dear Rob,

Today I logged into that timesuck everyone calls Facebook to cyber stalk some cute boy I met over the weekend and I was greeted with a handy dandy message from the Twilight fanpage saying that YOU would be answering our, the lowly fans, questions about ANYTHING! YES anything… ok, so I got a bit ahead of myself and begin formulating questions like “can the mullet love you better than I can?” when I noticed the fine print that said you would be answering questions about Remember Me, your new soon-to-be smash hit bawl fest, brain f*ck of a movie ON CAMERA. And though my hopes were dashed of asking you the important questions and you obviously falling in love with me via a comment on Facebook, I was still excited… I mean YOU answering questions from us about Remember Me… Oh yes, so you can imagine my evil laugh… I mean do they not know us yet!?

So I took to my Blackberry to start pecking out all the best questions I could think of regarding Remember Me. Here’s what I have so far…

• So how many times will we see you naked?

Why is this hot?

• That fight scene where you kick the crap outta someone and get the crap kicked out of you was pretty hot. Does this mean I’m into s&m? Do you want to volunteer to find out?

• So when they say pg13 (which is the rating it will inevitably get) that means full frontal nudity, right?

• Will there be crash carts and EMT’s on hand for when fangirls faint from the sight of you and Emilie doing the ol “bedroom rodeo?”

We keep asking Rob questions after the cut… won’t you join us?

Dear Rob,

It’s no secret that we receive fan mail that was intended for you all the time. We laugh. We cry. We really pity you because if WE receive these crazy-times letters, we can’t imagine what kind of fan mail you get on a daily basis. Our favorite type of intercepted mail intended for you is poetry, songs and, of course, pictures of women with their cats. Today we decided it’s time for another round of “Moon & UC share videos they made when they were together in Los Angeles a few weeks ago when they thought it would be funny to wear disguises and do dramatic readings but really they just look crazy, tired and quite possibly drunk (but they’re not)” aka: Here are two of our favorite poems we’ve received, addressed to you, dramatically read in the fashion we feel most appropriate reflects the tone of the piece.

I have a continuous heartquake,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

For really good times (or if you can’t watch video at work), read the transcript of the poetry after the jump!

Dear Rob,

I got to thinking about your friends the other day while hanging out with my own. Your crew can totally make or break your good times and since everyone needs a good time I started assembling your ultimate crew in my head (cause I have a life). Now Tom, Marcus and Bobby can stay cause they seem like a good combination of laughs and hottness and that hobo-ishness you love so much. And since it’s no secret that most girls have a thing for accents I took that into account too… so witness my ultimate Rob Pattinson crew… aka Panty Drop Crew 2010

Jim Sturgess

He’s British… he can rock a pea coat and can sing like an m-er f-er (also see: Across the Universe)! Aren’t those really the tenants of being hot shiz?

James McAvoy

Yea, yea he’s Scottish but it’s all the same island so cut me some slack and besides who doesn’t want a crew that includes JAMES MCAVOY! Accent, freaking cute and he will KILL YOUR arse in Atonement AND Becoming Jane. The sign of a good man? He can work out a period piece like no other! Talk regency to me James!

See the rest of the crew after the cut

Dear Rob,

Remember Saturday Morning Delight? When we watch videos of you and have a really good day afterwards? Yeah, we’re gonna do that today!

I’m kicking us off with this little treat. What IS it about fast-moving pictures of you to a hot song? Makes you alllll the hotter:

Wouldn’t be a Saturday Morning Delight in December without a little cliche “All I want for Christmas is Rob” now would it?

(It’s true. All I want for Christmas IS you (oh and a Twilight calendar)

And though this has been out for a few weeks, we haven’t posted it yet and I can never pass up posting Biel’s videos. Amazing Remember Me video. Are we EXCITED about this movie or WHAT!?

After watching this next one, @Brookelockart told me she was pretty sure she was going to have wet dreams tonight. Just thought you should know. It’s that good..

Happy Saturday!

Love & sweet wet dreams,
UnintendedChoice

Fear you missed some past Saturday AM Delights? Fear not sweet one, here is the archive!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

Yes it’s true! One last day of a double post. We end our anniversary week with a letter penned by EastFriend of The Quad. Eastfriend, being the oldest wisest among us, thought she’d center her letter around some of her favorite memories from the past year. She’s included many links for all you newbies to go back & check out what we talked about way-back-when! Instructions: play the video and sing along while you look at the rest of the letter!

Dear Moon, UC, and Rob,

One year…I can’t believe it’s been only a year, when it seems as you’ve been in my life for at least a decade. Back when the three of you were teenagers and I was in my mid-20’s. Whatever.

I tried to pen a letter that would adequately reflect the love and affection (sing it, Nelson!) I hold in my heart for each of you. But since we all (and by “we all,” I clearly mean the five us…those to whom this letter is addressed, and WestFriend, of course) are lovers of a great tune, I found a better way to express my love. It’s Motown style, thankyouverymuch.

Moon & UC, I’d be your faux lesbian life partner any day. And Robert Thomas Pattinson…well, when grown, married women write of the stuff they’d like to do to you, it just gets creepy. And I’m not creepy. At all. Nor did I start that whole dumpster shiz. Ahem. (Love you.)

Baby, It’s You… (by The Shirelles)

(thanks to The Shirelles for providing me with a soundtrack for my walk down memory lane.)

It’s not the way you smile, that touched my heart…

OK, it does touch me. You and that "foreplay" look right there.

It’s not the way you kiss, that tears me apart…

(But--SWOON--that does kinda tear me apart. In a good way. Amen.)

Many, many nights roll by…I sit alone at home and cry, over you…what did you do? You done gone & tucked your shiz, that’s what you did…

We were horrified, and accomplished nothing that day. Except looking at you.

Read more after the jump!