When we received this fan submitted letter I knew I just HAD to post it…. I think it might resonate with many of us!
We have a problem. No, I didn’t run out of Hot Pockets. You’re safe there. This is a much bigger, much deeper problem. [UC note: That’s what she said] My husband knows about us. I have hid it well for the past several months since the fated day I let a high school student of mine convince me to read Twilight. (Yes, Rob, I know it doesn’t make sense for a 24 year old woman to take reading suggestions from a 16 year old girl; however, this time, she was spot on.) I tried to do all my Rob browsing in secret. I tried to keep my conversations about you light and non-committal, because lets face it, its not like I couldn’t NOT talk about you. Now, it seems, he knows of my infidelity. Apparently, I have not been as stealth as I thought. He has seen the pictures I horde on my laptop, he has noticed my uncontrollable need to watch Twilight at least three times a week and he has discovered (through the treachery of a friend’s husband, who shall remained unnamed) that when a certain friend of mine and I get together, few words are uttered that do not include Rob, Edward, RPatz, Twilight and immaculate orgasms.
What are we going to do, Rob? How can I ever continue this secret affair when its not so secret anymore? Its already causing fights between my husband and I. He called you a bad name, Rob. I know, I know, love, it hurts me, too. I defended you vehemently, which only made it worse. My husband screeched “You’re defending him?! I can’t believe you’re defending him!” It was awful. He had attributed my joyous moods and sudden interest in sex to his own prowess. I had to tell him the truth. I only wanted sex with him so I could think of you. I am ashamed to admit it out loud to you.
When my husband first approached me and tried to talk some sense into me, I knew I would have to make a decision. Knowing all problems can be solved by rereading the Twilight series, I dove headfirst into the books. I knew I would find my answer there. I did, Rob. I found my answer. To quote my guide to living, “I know who I can’t live without.” I knew that in the end, I would have to give someone up. I’m so sorry, Rob. I never meant for this to happen, but it has. It breaks my heart to do this, but this is the way it has to be. I’m sorry.
The only thing that truly bothers me about this whole situation is where I’m going to get health insurance after I leave my husband. Does Summit have good coverage? Can I join your plan when I move into your Hot Pocket Fort? By the way, I’m prolly gonna at least need your address and phone number, so we can work out all the important details of my new living arrangements, with you, in Vancouver, or LA, or London, or wherever it is you want to get me a palatial pad and put me up in style, so I’m always ready and willing for you to stop by and satisfy your, er, basic needs.
Get back to me as soon as possible, Rob, so I know what city to buy my plane ticket to, what type of lingerie I should buy and who will be picking me up from the airport. I know this is all very sudden, but I know its for the best. Don’t worry. We’ll be happy together. I will take good care of you and I hearby do solemnly swear to never cut my hair into a mullet- you have my word on that. Until then, I will be forever your’s. (And homeless, cause my husband kicked me out. Hurry, please, Rob, its cold here and I don’t have any plaid OR flannel.)
Signed, with love,
Someone Who Will Actually BE Homeless if Her Husband Ever Reads This
Okay, so I’ve TOTES been there, done that with the whole “hubby has the convo about Rob with me” thing. Fess up- I know it’s happened to YOU too…. Let’s talk about how awesomesauce those convos are!