Posted by: Bekah | September 20, 2009

Rob Pattinson gets Hebrew-Schooled

It’s Sunday, a day of worship. It’s time to teach Rob about a religion he does not know about. Thanks to our Jewish expert, Zees84 for today’s letter!

RobJewish

Rob-mandment: THIS HAT SHALL REPLACE THE LOBSTER HAT AS MY FAVORITE HAT

Dear Rob,

I must admit, I’m a bit miffed that you’ve all but disappeared. I’m sure you’re busy working Kstew over on Eclipse, and boning your co-star honing your craft, but I would have appreciated a little warning before you went MIA. Normally, this would be grounds for a fight, and not the way it usually happens in my mind where you cut in front of me in line, I yell, and then we end up going at it behind a dumpster. I’m pissed. Have no fear, though, as I am all about forgiveness these days.

You see, Rob, this week is the holiday of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. It is the time when we believe G-d is judging our actions of the previous year, forgiving us for our sins, and making plans for the upcoming year. Not exactly what you think of when you hear New Years. No public displays of inebriation, or making out with the random person standing next to you. But, I am absolutely available for all of said activities on December 31. Or next week. Or on my lunch-break tomorrow. But I digress.

What’s that? You’d like to know more about Rosh Hashana? No problem. The ladies of LTR are always happy to help out with your wants. Here are a couple of Jewish New Year highlights: Hold on tight, Rob, you’re about to get Hebrew Schooled!

Prayer: One of the main parts of the holiday is prayer at the synagogue. I know I am going to have to clock in some serious overtime hours to repent for all my salacious thoughts about you. As for you, Rob? Well, LTR made it easy for you by listing your Top Nine Mistakes, and while all those certainly require your begging for forgiveness, I would like to add the shiteous Heaven’s Gate Nikes that you insist on wearing to your list.

Blowing the Shofar (that’s what she said): The Shofar is made out of a ram’s horn and it is sounded at different intervals throughout the prayers as a symbolic wake-up call to repent. What does it sound like? It can best be described a haunting wail that instills fear; it is a call to those who hear it to change their evil ways. Sort of like what I imagine K-stew sounds like when you are uh…“listening to music” or “running lines” in your hotel room. (although, that youtube video of you saying “WHAT??” four thousand times does come as a close second.)

So now you know. There’s more, but I’ll only tell you if you come out of hiding. The Jewish New Year is a time to gain perspective and re-dedicate one’s self to the important things in life. And that got me thinking about what matters to me–you. So Rob, I decided to take on a New Year’s Resolution, and re-dedicate myself to you as a fan and future sex partner. I have written and taken upon myself…..THE 10 ROB-MANDMENTS

  1. HE IS ROB, HE IS AWESOME.Thus spaketh Rob,

    “DUUUUUUH”

    (Twilight Commentary, 23:42)

    falserob

    False Rob

  2. YOU SHALL HAVE NO FALSE ROBS BEFORE YOU
    Even if Zac Efron flops his hair around or all of Hollywood and your boyfriend and your grandmother(!) start wearing plaid shirts and button fly jeans, or if you accidentally set stalked that cute decoy PA whose conveniently appeared right before Rob went to his trailer, make no mistake, there is but one Robert Pattinson.
    rob in a yarmulke
  3. YOU SHALL NOT MAKE WRONGFUL USE OF THE NAME OF ROB
    Rob is Rob, Edward is Edward. Sometimes, Rob puts on lipstick and fake abs and becomes Edward. Then you can call him Robward. Otherwise, keep the two separate. Rob does not rip apart pillows (though I like to think we could break a headboard or two) and Edward would never call himself something like Clive Handjob, or bend you over a conference room table…even if there is a fan-fic that might suggest otherwise.
    rob in a yarmulke
  4. OBSERVE AND REMEMBER THE ROB-BATH
    Rob-baths don’t happen very often. It’s more likely that Rob would run through a sprinkler to wash the Kristen off of him than to actually get in a tub and soak. Therefore, if you do manage to observe a Rob-bath, I suggest you be very very religious and remember the hell out of it.
    rob in a yarmulke
  5. HONOR ROB’S FATHER AND MOTHER
    They who brought forth upon this world that which is Rob should clearly be revered.
    rob in a yarmulke
  6. YOU SHALL NOT MURDER
    Huh, What? Sorry, I got distracted thinking about Rob in a bathtub…what were we talking about again?
    rob in a yarmulke
  7. YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY
    This Rob-Mandment can get a little sticky because many Rob devotees are in committed relationships. But sometimes, Rob dreams just aren’t enough; a girl has needs. There needs to be an understanding that desperate times call for desperate measures. I clearly will have to repent for cheating on Rob with my husband.
    rob in a yarmulke
  8. YOU SHALL NOT STEAL
    Even if you’re so lucky as to steal his hotel key, break into his hotel room & find a pile of lightly soiled (ahem lightly?) flannel coordinates (shirts, pants, boxers, socks), you must resist the temptation to steal his personal items for your “Box of stuff of Rob’s I’ve stolen.” Yes- a lightly (ahem) soiled pair of flannel boxers would be the ‘holy grail’ for your box, but you mustn’t steal.
  9. Rob Pattinson? Ew. Hes like your creepy uncle mixed with the nacho guy by the pool with a mullet & nascar shirt wearing jorts & sandles with socks

    Rob Pattinson? Ew. He's like your creepy uncle mixed with the nacho guy by the pool with a mullet & nascar shirt wearing jorts & sandles with socks

    YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST YOUR NEIGHBOR
    I know, we’re all worn out from sharing Rob with the fandom that keeps growing and the temptation is there to say untrue things. Your neighbor has you over for latkes, chamin & matzoh balls and asks if you’ve heard anything about that “vampire movie” starring that “cute ruddy cheeked guy from Harry Potter.” It would be wrong to tell her he’s just a creepy uncle or that he served as the Nacho-Man before he was famous.

  10. YOU SHALL NOT COVET YOUR NEIGHBORS WIFE/ANYTHING THAT BELONGS TO YOUR NEIGHBOR
    Yes. This IS one of the Rob-mandments, and this DOES mean that if your neighbor is lucky enough to bring home Rob Pattinson, you must put on your happy face & gush over their new romance (you might think about delivering them a jar of kosher dills as a gift) But do you know what’s great about this Rob-mandment? This doesn’t say “You shall not covet anything that belongs to Kristen Stewart,” so for now we’re safe! Covet away!

So let’s share a potato knish (it’s a Jewish Hotpocket) and say lchaim on a heineken or 3. Can’t wait to tell u all about Hanukkah, there’s candle wax involved…

Love,
Zees84

Zees84 is away celebrating the holiday and wrote this letter to Rob before she went MIA herself, but, of course, she appreciates your reading. She says, “I would like to thank HeyyBrother for all her help & critique and, of course, Moon & UC for letting me be normal.”

Have a holiday or religion you’d like to explain to Rob for a future post? E-mail us
Celebrate Rob Hashana on The Forum
and then run over to LTT

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Responses

  1. Love it Zees84!

    LTR girls doing their robworshiping is so much more religious than some people I know practicing their “true” religion.

    It is nice that Rob can bring us all together to eat “Jewish hotpockets”!

  2. First: Rob would NEVER run through sprinklers. He’s more of a I’ll-just-spray-my-clothes-with-Febreeze kinda guy.

    Second: Thinking about Rob’s soiled flannel panties is the most efficient hose em down yet. Thanks a lot! I’ll just watch the full ten minutes of yesterdays video again.

  3. “YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY”

    I’m really guilty of this one. 🙂 I’m in a committed relationship too. LOL

  4. YOU SHALL NOT USE MAKE WRONGFUL USE OF THE NAME ROB

    Amein. Sometimes Rob does look like he’s in pale drag with painted abs and an unbelievably sexy happy trail but really should then be called Robward.

    Awesome post, Zees!!

  5. “HONOR ROB’S FATHER AND MOTHER”
    I do and have the advantage of bring able to ‘relate’ to them {since I’m a real cougar}.

    “YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY”
    OK is it still adultery if our husbands significant others give us a free pass? {to have Rob as long as Rob wishes. Let’s face it girls once will be bliss..sigh…but we all know one bit of the apple is NEVER enough!!!}

    Zees84 this is a winner, the best compliment I can give you is it’s up there with U.C. and Moon’s, thanks for the introduction to the Jewish faith Robstyle……<3

  6. yay Zees!!! I will do my best on this Sunday and ever day henceforth to honor and follow these Robmandments. I won’t lie though, I usually fail at religion. But I’ll give it a shot. Anything for a Rob-bath.

    Though I must say… Thinking about soiled boxers coupled with the creepy uncle Rob pic has been quite the efficient ladyboner killer. Yikes.

  7. I saw the top of the fake-Rob pic before I scrolled down and I thought, huh, Rob looks weird, like it’s not even him…scroll down..oh, right, not him….duh.

    Happy Sunday! Love the commandments, erm, I’ll try and work on that adultery one……lol.

  8. Quote: Therefore, if you do manage to observe a Rob-bath, I suggest you be very very religious and remember the hell out of it.

    By “remember the hell out of it,” do you mean take pictures/video evidence and post it on YouTube?

    • Preferably bubble…bath!

      We’ll sell tickets!

  9. I suddenly got an intense urge to watch fiddler on the roof. TO LIFE!!

  10. “I clearly will have to repent for cheating on Rob with my husband.”

    LMAO!!!!!

    This post was so full of WIN!!!!!!

  11. Dude! You forgot to explain the delicious, delicious bread and the symbolism of dipping apples in sweet honey( and possibly drizzle a lil here and there :P)

    Wonderful post! Totally made my day!

  12. Oh, BTW who’s explaining dreidel to Rob on Hannukah?

    The rules:
    Hay- means you take of half your clothes.
    Shin- means you put one piece of clothes IN the pile (Shin, In, it rhymes!)
    Nun- Means I don’t have to put any clothes in the pile.
    And Gimel means I win and you get nekkid!
    Fun game!

  13. Outstanding!!!!

    Now, about that candle wax…

  14. “No public displays of inebriation, or making out with the random person standing next to you. But, I am absolutely available for all of said activities on December 31. Or next week. Or on my lunch-break tomorrow. But I digress.”

    lol great!!!

  15. this post made my day. the holiday weekend has been not so great for me and and i this made it LMAO. and yes the potatoe knish is like a hotpocket. love it.

  16. At last, the religion post we have all been waiting for! Of course, we already know that Rob is a good catholic, which explains both why he is so hot, and so conflicted in his sexual identity (going off with mullets, bromances and no dates for months except for a Heineken and a crummy Stoli t-shirt). All that pent-up steam and so little to vent it on – a pity! Today of all days, he should at least come and share our worship at the shrine of Roblove.

    Relax, and let us take away all your pain and doubt, Rob! You are flawed, but you are worthy, and you are loved – and remember, such a bunch of intelligent, good-looking, sarcastic females cannot be wrong. Just come over and repent, and we will all forgive you your past transgressions, the line is going around the block even as we speak..

    (Assistant husbands and other loved ones are rolling their eyes behind the dumpster and thinking of queen and country, because they know from experience, this is for the greater good.) Get your Rob-candle here for 1.99! Free mullet-wigs for every tenth candle you buy!

    Ok, so it’s Sunday night and I am bored…Guess I will go to bed now, sorry for the ramble. 🙂

  17. Oh, and it just struck me, there always seem to be fewer posts on the weekends. Is that because y’all are only following LTT and LTR at your workplace? 🙂 Or are you away at your country houses, languishing by your swimming pools on the weekend? Crap, I bet that’s it!

  18. LOVES IT!!!! Completely full of win! 😉

  19. That was gold, Zees! It’s also the most I’ve learnt about Judaism, ever. By teaching Rob, you teach the world – how community-minded of you!

    I love you for turning a religious item into a ‘that’s what she said’ joke, as well. I may have snarfed a little.

    Happy holiday!

  20. […] Rob Pattinson gets Hebrew-Schooled It’s Sunday, a day of worship. It’s time to teach Rob about a religion he does not know about. Thanks to […] […]

  21. Thanks everyone for the positive feedback,I’m glad I was able to give you a little funny for your Sunday.

    Thanks to Moon and UC for filling in those last three Rob-Mandments that I didn’t quite get around to, though had I know that Creepy Uncle Rob was going to make an appearance, I might have tried a little harder to finish in time….just kidding, I appreciate your covering my butt on those.

    I just want to say that I had an idea for this post maybe three weeks ago, got the go-ahead two weeks ago, and worked and worked on this trying to make it at least chuckle-worthy. Moon and UC post EVERY. SINGLE. DAY, photoshop and put it all together, and the posts are always brilliant and hilarious. I give you both so much credit, and it was really an honor and privilege to post on LTR.

    • we LOVED your letter!!! and duh… you can’t ask me to help finish up the post and expect me not to throw in Creepy uncle Rob 🙂

  22. Double thumbs up zees84! You did a great job, and I agree, UC and Moon have a tough job, altho I have to say, we love every minute of their job! And just think, in 2 months, we will all have a lot more to talk about.
    *cheers silently, waving arms*

    smiles all around!

  23. שלום

    Great post!

  24. EyeC, you around tonight?

    • Hi Jenny. I am. What’s up?

      • nothing just hanging around the office waiting for The Office to update, and you? Oh, were you speaking to J-m?

        • Hi Lizzie. I’ll take whoever I can get! lol Looks like Jenny is reading or something. So, do you expect that Office update soon?

          • Just wishful thinking on my part i think E! But surely it has to cpome soon…please?

            Feeling better yet?

          • Working it through.

            Yeah, I’m ready for an Office update too. I found a new one that i’m really liking called Love Amongst The Ruins. It looks like she is updating regularly.

          • that one is in my pile waiting to go too!

  25. Hey sorry, I was talking to my mom. Got distracted.

    How are you guys tonight? Reading anything good?

    • i did read a really good one which is still updating, but… it is E/J, which i know you guys don’t embrace, it is really good though.

      Started Sea Glass this mroning J-m, taking me a little while to get into actually which is surprising me a little as i normally lover her stuff, maybe I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind this morning, well it is monday that is normally enough to put me off

      • You will both like this one E/B by the same author as I Love LA, loving it, only a few ch in though.
        http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5072648/1/Edward_Wallbanger

      • Awwe, right, Sea Glass. I really need to go buy that! I hope it gets better for you. Maybe it’s just been too long since you read Storm Glass.

    • Hi. Yeah, that one I just mentioned is really good. This Edward is all angsty and has a lot of sadness and Bella just moved to San Fran and is excited about her new library job (!) but also sad with her life. They already have that buzzing between them but they’ve hardly spoken to each other. It’s got some deliciously funny stuff going on when they’re together.

      • Think I’ll start one that now. Need something to take my mind off… life.

        I wish Wild Swan would update! I mean, I wish they would all update, but Wild Swan is taking forever.

        • I agree. When I recommended it she had just updated and I thought she would keep going. I’m so disappointed that it’s been over a month now.

          Lizzie, I saw that Edward Wallbanger in the forum and have it on my list. I’ll start that one later. I’m getting a real string of them lined up.

          • Yeah, me too. It’s a great storyline, I really hope she keeps it going.

          • So am I, which i figured out when i worked through my pile trying to create some sort of order, I have A LOT wainting to go, including Wild Swan. Am trying to resist starting the ones that take forever to update, they don’t go well with my needs instant gratification personality, so they keep getting pushed back in favour of almost finished ones.

          • Now we’re such experienced fanfic readers that from the beginning we just hope the author doesn’t bail on us! LOL

          • I’ve found that some of the completed stories were the early ones and not always that great but now we’re coming into a round where some really excellent ones are finished.

          • Yep, they hook you then leave you sitting there! I am such an ungrateful bitch, but c’mon, if they aren’t going to finish couldn’t they at least take them down or put a note to the effect not going to finish so we don’t start them getting all excited about where they are going to go and then just leave you high and dry.

            WOW, I am monday moany aren’t i?

          • agree E. there really is some exceptional writing out there at the moment, i am kind of despairing that when they finish (and a few are close) that we may be a little stuck. Maybe the intervention i need to break the FF habit though!

          • I feel just as much frustration as you do. Tell us if you’re putting the story on hiatus. One author passed a couple of her stories on to others to finish and that’s OK as long as the new author can keep the chatacters’ voices close to the original. It would be good for them to note if they’ve lost interest though so I don’t have to keep checking on them! The Arrangement, anyone???

          • I think those good authors will continue to write good stories. I suppose eventually they may go on to write real books and that would be good for them. An awfully lot of people are giving writing a try because of fanfic. And there are bound to always be good ones coming along.

          • Oh, there’s an e. e. cummings poem in this chapter (LATR)! I just love it when they incorporate poetry! He’s a favorite of mine.

          • It is the sifting to find them thoughE that is the hard part. Actually the author of The Forbidden Room (the seriously hot J/E story) that is so ridiculously well written has taken it down from her profile as she is going to publish, i am pleased for her she has a real rich voice in her writing and deserves a chance to be poublished. It still won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but the girl CAN write.

          • I don’t think I’ve come across a story that wasn’t going to be finished. Knock on wood! Though I do get all of my recommendations from you guys, and I know you guys wouldn’t steer me wrong.

          • Yes, Jenny, I try not to mention the ones that have become dead wood. I have one that hasn’t updated since May 9th. And I was liking that one!

          • May 9th?! Oh, that’s just sick!

            I really appreciate you only telling me the good ones. I can’t even imagine how frustrated I’d be if they stopped updating my favourites!

          • I started one that i though was finished or close to it about a month ago, 65 ch in adn then she stopped, it was last update in January, I nearly fell off my chair, that is when i decided to start checking little details like last updated BEFORE i started to read. Learnt the lesson the hard way, who does that gets almost to the end of the story adn then stops with like 5 ch to finish?

          • Ack, really Lizzie? Which story was that??

          • Lizzie, I call that emotional abuse!

          • It was a little scarring let me tell you. Bella Hale was the story, and it ahd an interesting premis so was quite enjoying it too, in my head i have resolved it, but would have preferred the author to ahve done that. that is when i started to really check details and get nervous about long wait updaters!

  26. And J-m if you haven’t already read this one, read it, one of my favs

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4953962/1/Mr_Horrible

    • I’ll try Mr. Horrible again, just for you Lizzie. I tried to start it one day, but I didn’t really like her writing… so I only read one chapter. But I’ll try!

      • it takes a couple of ch to get into it and then well i just love it to death, but then again maybe an aquired taste, you sound like you are in agnsty rather than hunmour mood, all ok or life just sucky cause it is?

        • A little of both. Things aren’t great, and life is sucky cuz it just is.

          • just let me know if i can do anything to help *insert smiley face panda here*, but i get the thinsg are just crap vibe too, don’t tell me you need to do your taxes too?

          • Oh Lizzie, you can always make me smile! And no, no taxes, thank god. That would really just push me over the edge.

          • want to do mine? Just think of all the fun you can have when you don’t know the local tax claims rules, i may even end up with a refund, oh go on…

          • Well, it’s almost silly to pass up a chance to get Lizzie in trouble. It’s not like you do that yourself enough!

          • truer words have never been spoken, lol.

  27. Dear Rob

    won’t you come out and play, pretty please with a cherry on top?

    love
    mexxoo

    • I know. I miss him too. I guess he’s finally discovered how to get away from the prying eyes of his fandom. Don’t go out. Very sad though.

      • Yeah, that must really, really suck. The rest of the cast can go out and play and have a good time, and he’s stuck back there all alone (or maybe not so alone – gag).

        But, you know, New Moon will be out really soon (wahoo!) and then we’ll get lots of theRob.

        • I’m getting tired of the same photos over and over again. I guess I’ve been around that long. We need those new interviews. When I see one of his interviews from last year I remember how much life he had in him. He was so exhuberant! That’s what made us fall for him. I hope so much that he hasn’t lost that part of himself.

          • i have a sneaky suspicion this round of interviews is going to show a very world weary Rob add to that you know they are going to spend half the interview trying to get him to comment on kstew which is only going to piss him off a lot, so i def don’t think we are going to get to see happy crazy rob this time

          • You’re right. I’m sad already. Just hoping we’ll get some glimpses. He was such a spot of brilliance last October/November.

        • i do get the hiding business and think he has handled himself really well, but still, hope we get the prada Rob when he does have to come out of hiding, that would help make up for it.

          think i saw somewhere that David Slade is making Eclipse all dark and moody, still not sure abut him directing it, wish they could ahev stayed with Chris Weitz from what we ahev seen he has done a good job, striking the right note.

          • Agree agree. We will just have to see. I was worried about Eclipse too because of the things he directed before. At least some things will have to be consistent, like the way the wolves transform. I suppose he will do alright with the conflict scene and the trouble between Edward and Jacob but will he get the graduation party and the 2 bedroom scenes right? The proposal is important.

          • he so better get the leg hitch right, if he involves flake blood or zombies in that scene I am personally going to go after him. let’s face it he still has a thing for zombies, i mean he let kstew wear the ugliest most ill fitting wig since well Jacobs.

  28. *poking J-m gently* wake up, lift your head off the keybaord, turn off the computer and go to bed.

    And on that note too Ms E, I am going to try and sneak out, i have ahd more than enough of the office today.

    night.

    • PS and no The Office didn’t update either, big sigh!

    • Bye L. Have a good night.

      • Guess I should sleep too, EyeC. Sleep well when you go.

    • I wasn’t sleeping Lizzie! But I should. Have a good day, glad Monday is over!

  29. Great post zees84. Loved it.

  30. CANDLE WAX! This reminds me… to read the R-rated version of Twilight, see “The List” by Laura Cullen (pen name) on Twilighted.net Caution: The movie & books may be a little too tame after reading this.

  31. Good ONE ! WIN!

    Can’t wait to do the Catholic commentary;
    Holy days of obligation as well as all the Saints Days and holidays….

    Drop me an email. I’ll share the catholic guilt thingy… Rob and I share that religion.

    On your knees everyone! (for prayer silly, not the other thing).
    -H

  32. […] (As the week of Chanukah draws to a close and hot on the heels of her super successful explanation of the Jewish Holiday Rosh Hashana, Zees is back to explain the holiday Chanukah to Rob.  So grab your dreidels and let’s get […]

  33. […] reminded at how fun it was after trading tweets with Zees this week I remembered all her amazing letters explaining the Jewish holidays to you. SOOOO guess what… today is another special day in the […]


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