Posted by: themoonisdown | December 17, 2009

The one where Zees explains Chanukah to Robert Pattinson

(As the week of Chanukah draws to a close and hot on the heels of her super successful explanation of the Jewish Holiday Rosh Hashana, Zees is back to explain the holiday Chanukah to Rob.  So grab your dreidels and let’s get started…)

Time to put on your yarmulka again Rob!

Dear Rob,

Put on your yarmulka, its time to celebrate Chanukah!  What’s Chanukah, you ask?  The great sage Adam Sandler tells us it’s “The Festival of Lights.” But what the eff does that mean, and why are there eight crazy nights of it?  We’re smack in the middle of this awesome Jewish holiday, and I told you in my Rosh Hashana letter that I would be back to explain Chanukah to you, Rob, so here we are.  Pull up a chair, Rob, and get naked comfy, because we are about to live out my ultimate teacher/student fantasy and once again, get you Hebrew Schooled!

Chanukah is a historical holiday with a lot of sub stories, political upheaval, battles, etc.    But I know you just want to get to the fun part, so I’ll try and make this quick but awesome*.  In the Second Century BC, the Syrian-Greeks were in control of the land of Judea, and decided that they didn’t want the Jewish people to practice their religion anymore.  They issued many edicts that outlawed things like studying Jewish law and observing Jewish customs.  Also, they outlawed circumcision.  (Would that be something that would affect you? Moon and I, and uh, a few other people want to know). They brought foreign/unholy objects into the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem, and ruined every jug of oil that could be used to light the menorah in the holy Temple. Rendering it:  DEFILED!  UNCLEAN! The Maccabees, who were a small group of Jewish resistance fighters, took it upon themselves to fight the Greeks in the name of G-d.  Militarily speaking, there was no way to win the war, but the small group of untrained fighters beat the immense Greek army.  The first thing the Maccabees did after the war was over was go to the Temple to try and get things up and running again, namely, to light the menorah.  They found one small jug of undefiled olive oil that only had enough l to last for one day, but miraculously, the oil burned for eight days, which is how long it takes to make fresh pure oil.  To commemorate that miracle, Jewish people all around the world light menorahs in our homes for eight nights, eat foods fried in oil (hell yeah! But more on that later) and generally be joyous.  Because miracles are cool.  In a miraculous sort of way.

Wow, that’s a lot to take in!*  Did you zone out? Are you wondering how many panties poofed when the Remember Me Trailer hit the internet? Or about how I could make you a young dad? Well, too bad cause there’s MORE!

Get ready for eight crazy nights!

G-d, this is already so long, but there’s more!*

Let me try and explain the story in a way that might help you better understand.  Let’s say you are in your hotel room, and the fort you have built is the finest a cardboard fort has ever been.  Vancouver Fort has NOTHING on this one.  Hot Pocket boxes, pizza boxes, Heineken cartons–your masterpiece is a sight to behold.  Now suppose Kristen Stewart (because in all my daydreams about you, she shows up as the villain) walks in and says, “Rob, I declare myself queen of the fort and I am taking over!  You are no longer allowed to read Sex-Driven People while thinking about the lovely bloggers and commenters of LTR.  You can no longer wear plaid shirts, and Nikki Reed, Megan Fox and I are going to move in to your fort.  I don’t even know Megan Fox, but she once said she would eat you alive and that’s sufficiently dirty and creepy, so I’m moving her in here with me and yout co-star/Greek crab keeper!”  DEFILED! UNCLEAN! Rob, you know this is wrong and you need to fix it!  So you gather up the BritPack, who, let’s be honest, have no chance in hell in an epic battle against those three “ladies”, and when the sparkledust settles, you emerge victorious and kick them out of your fort!  Naturally, the first thing you are going to do is reinstate the good times in your cardboard castle of transfat and beer bellies.  And you need to dress the part.  But, OH NO!  There is only one plaid shirt!  Nature dictates that the shirt should only be worn for one day before it needs to be washed, but, THE MIRACLE OF ROB-UKAH occurs and it lasts for eight nights which is the exact amount of time it takes for you to steal something else off of Marcus Foster’s floor!

On second thought, that’s not really a miracle for you.  More of a constant occurrence. But I think you get the point.

Follow the cut to read about some fun Chanukah activities, Rob-erized of course!

100% Kosher MenoRob

You have the all the background, Rob, so here are some fun Chanukah activities:

  • Light the Menorah: Start with one candle the first night and add a candle each night.  I found a menoRob that I though you would appreciate.  And if my hand strays a bit while lighting, and some candle wax accidentally makes its way to your chest, you can make a joke about how next I’ll want to tie you up. And then I can pretend I don’t realize you’re kidding. Then we have sex. Good times.
  • I'll spin it for ya

    Dreidel: By far the cutest Jewish tradition ever. (Seriously, have you ever eaten matzah? Blown a Shofar?  Not cute.) The story goes that when the Greeks outlawed Torah study, the scholars would take their young students outside Jerusalem and secretly teach them.  When the Greek soldiers would come to investigate and arrest the teachers, the children would take out their dreidels (spinning tops) and deny any studying…only playing.  As soon as they left, the learning would continue.  (Wow, we Jews sure know how to have throw a party!)  To commemorate, we play dreidel with coins or candy.  Depending on what side the dreidel lands, you either win all the coins in the pot, nothing, half or you have to put one in*. But Rob, you and I can play with clothes.  Which would lead to us playing without clothes.  Good times.

  • Gifts: This tradition probably started as money to play dreidel, but has evolved into basically eight nights of Christmas presents.  I really can’t complain.   One guess as to what I want. (hint: it involves you and me, and the wall from Remember Me).  Thrice a night, for eight nights.*  Good times.
  • Add a Heini and it's time to get this Chanukah started!

    Fried Foods: Miracle Occurred With Oil = Fried Potato Pancakes (latkes) and Jelly  Doughnuts.  Hot and Delicious.  Like you.  Then we have sex, and then eat more latkes.  Good times.

Now you know everything there is to know about Chanukah, Rob.  If you have any questions, I am happy to answer them.  In my bed.

*THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

C’mon Baby, Light My Menorah!
-Zees84

P.S. Might I suggest a gift for Kristen?  Being a Nonsten, I normally would not have considered a Chanukah gift for the-chick- you-might-be-banging-but-I-certainly-hope-you-aren’t-because-that-girl-ain’t-right-for-you, but I saw this and thought, “PERFECT!”

Amazing explanation as always Zees! Rob and I know we can always count on you to explain the Jewish holidays with Rob-isms! Are you following Zees? NO? Well, then follow her on Twitter and send her a little message to tell her how rad her letter was today! So what do you think? Ready to light the last candles on your Menorah? Ready for a last spin of the dreidel? I’m ready for the latkes. For serious…
Thank you a ton Zees!!
XO
Moon

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Responses

  1. i actually read until: “Pull up a chair, Rob, and get naked” – then -again- i fell in some strange coma having those day dreams again…

    when it came to the fried food i regained consciousness and immediately felt sort of guilty.

    oh well.

    happy chanukah.

  2. Drink your stolie and Heinekenah

    it’s time to celebrate Rob-ukah!!!

    I’m converted already!

    • Hahaha… Heinekah! and Robukah… oh man what planet are we on?

      • planet: Rob-tune

        bhahabhabahah

  3. I like the Menorah made out of Bud bottles. This is so cool. The dreidel of Rob is cool too. Great story about the fort mad eof pizza boxes and beer bottles. This is like one we are all going to wake up dead. http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

    • Bobbygee, you’ve been around these blogs for long enough that you should know the MenoRob is made out of STOLI bottles. Not Bud. Please, man.

  4. Okay, I have a dumb question. Is that pap smear PSA for real? That is one of the creepiest things I’ve seen.

    • It aired during the Amazing Race finale, according to online reports. Very creepy…although I would get several paps a year if Dr. Rob was available. 😉

      • I would also get a daily breast exam!

        • Oooolala! Sign me up for that!

    • There is also a Kosher prostate PSA, and Christmas versions as well.

      “You can Google it.”

      I would like to publicly thank CBS for giving me many many many laughs this holiday season. Oh, and some of your TV shows are ok too.

      • “you can google it” bhbhahahahabhabahahha

      • sigh…i made it all the way through your letter…laughing “out loud” for sure, but without one panty twinge, then…”you can google it” and my nethers are undone…siiiiiggggghh

    • That doesn’t sound do bad, really. Would Rob be taking the pap smear?

  5. Omg, hilar.

    In all my daydreams about RobWard, Mullsten’s the villain too! Hear hear!

  6. lol!!!!! 🙂

  7. happy Chaunukah! AMAZING letter. i actually guffawed. you may have just converted me.

  8. I would pay to watch the Britpack make a plaid invasion on a fort made of Hot Pocket boxes and Heinie cartons. Where’s James Cameron when you really need him?

    I’m king of the fort, Ma!

  9. Wooo! Hannukah!
    One of the best parts of being Jewish is making crazy rules for dreidel and making your non-jewish friends follow them 😛
    I’ve been making Latkas every other night. My house is starting to smell like a resturant…..

    • I am never more happy when my excuse for eating fried deliciouness with reckless abandon is “Because G-d told me to.”

    • I’m not Jewish but I love me some Latkas…I’m not sure if it is right (Kosher) or not but I put smoked salmon on them. Cause it is seriously YUM!

      • Totally kosher.

        Most people do sour cream or applesauce.

        I go with ketchup!

        • How about cream cheese…is that Kosher?

          And can you explain what Kosher actually is??

          • Everytime I hear Kosher I think of a the brand of pickles. LOL!

        • I don’t “do” sour cream or applesauce.

          I do Rob.

          Is that kosher with everyone?

          • aaaaand, you win!

    • Applesauce or Sour cream for your latkes?!

  10. Eight nights of Rob?
    *runs to start converting*

    • …to Jewishness or Rob-religion?
      just asking?
      lol

      • You changed ur avatar! Nice~

      • Hmmm…robgirl, you have given me much to think about!
        I think the answer lies in yesterday’s (?) “CUT” question….

  11. I feel like I have learned so much this morning.

    I never understood all these traditions and the Robercized version is something I totally understand.

    Thank you, Zees! Great letter.

    • same here.

      indeed, great letter, thanks zees!

  12. Zees84 FTW!

    MenoRob? Robukah? I’m SO there. Even if you’re not cut, it’s OK, Rob!

    Happy Robukah, everyone!

  13. Zees, you rocked it gurl! Nice astericking and I love that you say Rob fantasizes about the LTR bloggers AND commenters. Which would include me, too.

  14. “playing with clothes”…”the Remember Me wall”

    I just discovered I was sooo into traditions!

    • Me too me too…

      …thrice a night for eight nights…with Rob!!!

      I guess that is def. the jewish part of my catholic body!

      • I dunno, you don’t really sound that catholic to me.

        • Ohhh yes…
          you should have seen the crucifixes
          on my panties…lol

        • Minuit…wow what a lovely avatar you have…I don’t remeber the name of that beauty, plz tell me…lol…she had dark hair before

          • nope, never had dark hair.

      • Sorry, OT but how come I can’t find u on yahoo?

    • Wow that sounds all sorts of sexy!

  15. Excellent explanation as always.
    Rob, I have cousins who are Jewish so, if you have any questions…..

    “The miracle of the plaid shirt” a tale that will be passed down for generations.

  16. “and when the sparkledust settles”

    LMFAO.

  17. Why jelly donuts?

    • The best answer I can give is that they are fried. Other than that, I have no idea, but in Israel, they fill them with caramel and they make me so happy that I want to cry.

      • The thought of that makes me BEYOND happy.

        YUMMMMM!!!!!

      • Dumb question, but are any of the food gluten-free by any chance?

        • Well, Latkes are basically ground up or shredded potatoes, onions and eggs, then fried. I usually put a little flour to bind them better, but its not necessary.

          no gluten, but oh…the fat.

          • Ok sound easy enough! 🙂 Thanks. If I need flour I can try gluten-free flour. What about others?

      • OMG. I don’t even like caramel and I want one of those!

        • I read “In Isreal they fill them with CAMEL” and I thought I DON’T want one of those!!

          • (actually, camel meat is quite delicious to be truthful and honest. but somehow I just don’t want to suck it out of a donut)

          • Is there some other kind of meat you would like in a donut?

          • um, does Rob’s “meat” count?

          • God lord, I have no dignity.

  18. Amazing letter Zees….

    …the plaid shirt lasts for 8 nights, exact amount of time to steal something else….

    So if I understood well, Chanukah for Rob could be a tradition that comes 3 times a month…..lol

    • …on a determined day, and nothing will change the ritual, not even a long flight across the ocean. Why steal clothes in advance if it’s not the right day?

      • Hääää???? I guess I’m stupid, didn’t get it…lol

        • Or I just had a very eloquent Kristen moment.
          I was trying to fallow your maths, and say he’s only changing on the 8th day. So if he happens to take the plane to Paris on the 4th or 5th day, well than he’s not going to change just because of a long trip. Have you studied the photos?

    • I think you’re probably right :-).

      I’m imaging stacks of boxes of dirty clothes in his hotel room.

      • Why do you think he’s staying in huge suites? He needs room for the boxes of laundry, packs of Heines and stuff. I might have some that never made it to garbage and are squatting my kitchen and maybe just maybe a huge pile of things soon (hopefully) to be washed, but then if that doesn’t justify buying clothes, I don’t know what does.

        • He could just rent a storage unit :-). We have them here all over the US.

          • No SB. He needs it with him when he’s travelling. For inspiration.

        • I don’t think his clothes are inspireing, I think they are just…..
          dirty…lol

          • Wanna fly over and wash his clothes for him? LOL

          • Wanna fly over and wash his body…lol

          • Wash his body? Sure!!!

  19. Wow! I just learned more about Chanukah reading this letter than I learned in 12 years of Catholic school (we were supposed to learn about Judaism as well. Not so much.)

    Now I will be having fantasies of Rob teaching me about the wonders of Jewish theology. And he’ll light the menorah… and when the candle wax gets hot… um. Yes. Happy Chanukah!

  20. By the way, Maccabees is one of my favorite books in the bible, that and Job.

    Random side note from Sassysmart.

    • Sassysmart~

      Does it have anything to do with Rob wanting to play Job in the bio pic? Remember that interview?

      • I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. He wants to play Job?? And no, it has nothing to do with that.

    • Lol, Sassy, there is no book of Maccabees in the Bible. Maybe the Talmud?

      • There is in the Catholic bible.

    • Rob wants to play Job in a biopic at 1:12.

      • thanks for that lion

      • Hmm, I’m now thinking about eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch off of Rob’s bare chest. Thanks K…

      • Ulysses? really Rob?

        I love him.

        that is all.

  21. Thanks Zees, this has been so enlightening…especially in light of Rob!

    Love the Menorob! And the gifts, wow can’t complain about that. 8 days of gifts, wonderful! The foods look delish! I’ve had many of those before(back when I was still eating gluten), we have a lot of Jewish family friends. Now, am I imagining it but is that a donut? 🙂

    Happy Hannukah!

    Rob loves cute wearing a yarmulka! That looks even better than his beat up beanie hat! LOL

    • Southernbelle,

      I know it’s not easy for you separate the words “Rob” and “love,” but please try. Actually, now that I think of it, “Rob loves cute wearing a yarmulka” is perfect.

      • Sorry, I’m gonna really try. I told you I’m just a sappy, emo-chick.

        Remember the “hole.”

        • I love the beanie honey its cute…

          • You know why I don’t like the black beanie? Because it hides his sex hair! I have to see his hair dammit!

            LOL.

          • But…he has a lot of nice hair further down…look at that…lol

        • I remember. I live there. *sigh*

          • I know!!! LOL. We both do.

  22. Zees, my dear, you’ve just turned Chanukah into the dirtiest holiday in the Jewish calendar. And I love you for it. (Damn, I was hoping to write something *-worthy, but didn’t. I guess you’ll have to settle for a #.)

    • nothing like a good #ing, especially from someone like you.

  23. Is it a sacrilege to say that I want to do bad bad things to Rob while he’s wearing a yarmulka? G-d help me.

    p.s. Zees, that was brills.

    Happy Chanukah, girl!

    • No…it would be a sin …not to do it….
      in my religion…lol

    • LMAO! Rawr!

  24. Zees, That was WAY rad!! You Jews DO know how to party! Passover is my favorite holiday, and I was raised by atheists….so I cannot wait for that explanation, btw.

    I raise my gin-and-tonic-a to you to have a happy happy Chanukah!


    lpb

  25. ha ha ha awesome! 8 crazy nights o’Rob, sign me up.. Soooo, the Hannukah Pap Smear, wow-what would you get for the next 7 nights? 2nd night boob crushing mamogram, 3rd night a glove poppin rectal exam, 4th night stomp on my toe with an elbow to the eye? I knew there was something I left off my wish list, ahh well-maybe next year..

    Happy Hannukah!

  26. Zees FTW! I see AA5 did not impair your funnyness one bit.

    OMG …that first pic is SO Youngward in a yarmulka.

    • Thanks bb! Do you know that there is a Chanukah Future One-Shot for AA5? I think Youngward might actually be wearing a yarmulka in it…hilarious!

  27. Is it sad that I took an entire semester’s worth of Bible as Lit., (where we studied Jewish history) but it took your post with Rob in it for me to actually understand the holiday?

    Happy Chanukah Zees!

  28. Zees,

    Thanks for the great explanation about this holiday. I love how everything goes to having sex with Rob, in some way, shape or form.
    And the fort story is so hilarious!!!

    My favorite though is, “One guess as to what I want. (hint: it involves you and me, and the wall from Remember Me). Thrice a night, for eight nights.*” God Almighty!!

    Happy Holidays!!

  29. “You are no longer allowed to read Sex-Driven People while thinking about the lovely bloggers and commenters of LTR.”

    Were you trying to win over the crowd??? If so, it worked.

    But you didn’t really need that. This letter was full of awesomeness! I particularly enjoyed the way you very subtly insinuated Chanukah would involve having sex with Rob, a lot. It’s hard (thatswhatshesaid) to convey such an impure message when talking about a religious holiday. But you did an outstanding job with those cunning sentences, stealthily misleading those who won’t appreciate the insinuations, while properly educating Rob. Thank you thank you thank you!

    • I consider myself a commenter on LTR, not a blogger, so uh, I want Sex-Driven Rob to be thinking about me too….

      I spent all four years of Jewish high school, four years in a Jewish college, and the time that has passed since then perfecting the delicate balance of my religious devotion and being a dirty minded h00r. So I appreciate your comment, a lot.

      I’m 25 years old, wife and mom, but when someone talks about “blowing the shofar” I giggle like a 14 year old boy.

      • LOL on blowing the shofar! That gave me dirty thoughts!

  30. Amazing letter, Zees. I feel extremely informed now. I can’t help but think about that awful movie with Madonna and William Defoe and the candle wax…your version w/Rob makes me much more happy. Good times.

    • Kendall, If you wanna see some great candle wax action watch Summer Lovers. There’s great scenery (Greece), lots of s*x and a threesome, but unfortunately no Rob…

      Enjoy.

      • Thanks, mountainlion. I’m just really getting into fan fic and some of that makes me blush, so not sure if I can take threesomes quite yet! 😉
        #PrudeReadingTheFic

        • Understood, Kendall. It’s not as racy as I made it sound.

        • #PrudeReadingThe Fic I just snorted! You and SouthernBelle should discuss fic. She should have some GREAT tame recommendations for you. 😉

          • Oh hey so you’re recommending me now! Haha.

            Kendall I have some great tame recommendations for you. You can start off w/ I hate you, kiss me on fanfiction.net.

            Creature of Habit
            Breakfast at Tiffany’s
            Right here waiting (no lemons)

            They have sex but it’s not very racy. I have to go over my list, I know there’s more. I know what you mean, I’m kind of a prude too.
            HTH.

          • I don’t think I’ve read any of those…hmm, I might need to. SB have you read Let Your Mercy Fall On Me? It’s fairly tame and about Bibleward, gasp!

          • Singlestrand – no I’ve never heard of that one. Where is it at? Hahah, Bibleward? Was Edward a pastor?

            Creature of Habit is my favorite….actually I like everything that this author creates(I think she wrote Breakfast at Tiffany’s too). It has such a good characterization of Edward. There’s sexy times but it’s very well done. I also recently read The University of Edward Cullen, I’m in love w/ that one too. Edward’s a mean professor. The story is just awesome. I can’t wait for the new chapter.

            Breakfast at Tiffany’s is so sweet and it made me cry. Edward’s a high-powered executive who’s got a gigolo reputation. It’s a beautiful story.

  31. Btw, the twitter link doesn’t work for me. Anyone else having that problem?

    • I’m terribly uninteresting, but you can still follow me:

      @Zees84

      Not sure why the link isn’t working, but thanks for noticing!

      • I follow Ashley as well, you can’t be worse than her.

        • BAHAHAHA!! For real! We need some @AshleyMGreen #drunktweets!

  32. This was lovely just lovely. Zees is #cool

  33. OK.. see it’s good when you can learn something AND BONUS!…. have a sexual fantasy involving Rob, hot wax and fried foods..

    You girls really go out there for your readers, educating and inducing fantasies… that’s why I love ya!

    Thanks 🙂

  34. So let me get this straight: Chanukah involves Rob undressing in a chair, an epic shirtless battle with shirtless members of the BritPak shirtless, pouring wax on Rob’s naked chest, light bondage, playing strip dreidel with Rob, feeding Rob fried goodies and having him feed me, and having the sex with Rob thrice a night for eight nights? Oy vey iz mir where do I sign up to convert?

    • That’s a wonderful summary, absolutelyvlc!

      • What can I say. I only focus on the important stuff.

  35. “There is only one plaid shirt! Nature dictates that the shirt should only be worn for one day before it needs to be washed, but, THE MIRACLE OF ROB-UKAH occurs and it lasts for eight nights which is the exact amount of time it takes for you to steal something else off of Marcus Foster’s floor!”

    LOL! BRILLIANT!

  36. I admit that I doubted when I saw the title of this post. “How is this going to be funny?” I foolishly wondered. But oh, Zees, that was so brilliant! I always find myself laughing at your comments so I shouldn’t have been surprised. It was great to read a whole delicious post from your wonderfully twisted mind.

    • Um, I like you a lot.

      Be my friend.

  37. Haven’t finished reading yet, but am already LOL over my reaction to the mention of the Macabees, which instantly caused a flashback to Ross as the Holiday Armadillo.

  38. I heart you Zees84. You are “good times”.

    PS I will be saying that all day now, so thanks!

  39. Moon, as a thank you for writing this post, you could send me my very own Rob Dreidel. Because that is something every Jewish home needs. Or just mine.

  40. Zees84,
    That was made of Epic WIN!
    I love the “hint: it involves you, me and the wall from Remember me”
    HAHA, laughed hard at that.

  41. […] I was reminded at how fun it was after trading tweets with Zees this week I remembered all her amazing letters explaining the Jewish holidays to you. SOOOO guess what… today is another special day […]


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