This dude wrote me a drunk email. To repay him I got drunk with him

Dear Rob,

We received this fan letter for you, and I was inspired:

i know you’ll never read this, you probably have dozrns of people reading mail for you but i want to vent anyway.I guess you can call me a twi-mom. I actually saw the movie 1st then read all 4 books 3x. I saw you on screen and had to learn as much as i could about you it was like you fell out of the sky. i started googling you and watching interviews on utube, the thing about you back then was that you were shy and you didn’t know how striking and hot you were or is that just a front. i love all your music and movie’s i’ve seen haunted airman twilight and little ashes i was also one of the women who was in nyc watching you film remember me but i let you have your space lol. i was there 3x at 6am you could have given me your autograp oh well one of these days i’ll get your autograph you’ll see much success to you rob i love everything i’ve seen so far you make it and i’ll come love Missy. I saw other movie’s but i’m so buzzed i can’t remember.

Inspired to discuss…. what if I drunk emailed you? Would I add an apostrophe to the word “movie’s” even though I’m pretty sure that’s NEVER grammatically correct? Would I get pissed that you never responded to the e-mails I wrote when I wasn’t drinking? Would I ask questions and forget to use a question mark? I write crazy times things to you (example here and here) when I’m SOBER- what in the world would I write if I were drinking? (In my defense, I have actually blogged while tipsy before. And I’ve handled it well. A few spelling errors here or there. The sentences looked more like texts: (Do u guys lik rob y or n?) but overall, no major blunders… well, except for that confession of my Mike Welch/Justin Chon fantasy over on LTT, but I digress)

I asked Moon what she thought she might write or confess. She got confused (she was probably drinking) but gave an answer:

UC: any thoughts? what would you say to Rob if you were drunk and no holds barred
Moon: i love you man. and id probably hug him A LOT- that is my drunk style. or id ask him what the f*ck was up with him and kristen
UC: haha
Moon: and then id hug him again and make him dance with me
UC: Kay, that’s nice, but what if you EMAILED him though
Moon: thats my drunk style

Drunk Ron

UC: hugging is not possible via email so what’s the email version of Drunk Moon hugs
Moon: i’d tell him i want to hug him or confess that i was hugging my computer or say DUDE REMEMBER THAT TIME… i loved when you were XXX…whatever
UC: “deer Rob, I’m huging my computr so hard rite now. cus I’m riting you”
Moon: and i’d tell him I just listened to Never Think like 55 times on repeat which is a feat since I listen to it on vinyl with a candle burning
UC: hahahah
Moon: cause ya know that’s how you see your future and I’m pretty sure if i played Never Think backward it would say MOON, I love you. In fact I’m going to try it now- I hate you rob, you ruined my record player

Would I say things I swore I’d never tell you (like about this site?) Would I call you “Ron” instead of Rob every time I wrote your name (as I often do, with or without drinks)? Would I try to form opinions about your career and your life and sound educated but end up sounded, well… like Kristin, 5 cran and vodkas in, talking about your Details shoot?

Rob- the white sport coat says don johnson meets love boat to me. Yes, Don Johnson on the Love Boat. and I’m not a fan. Why are you always laying down. Nevermind. Its because women all over the world can then lay on the magazine pages and its exactly like having sex with you, right? The whole weird diseases thing. creepy. but I think thats your ploy to put people off. Not working dude. try something else, like profess your love for 25-35 year old stay at home moms in the midwest…wait…

(I hope I sound like Kristin.. that’s some funny shizz right there) Well, I think there’s only one thing to do to know for sure….. I’m gonna get drunk. And write you an email. And then share it for everyone to enjoy! Look for that soon, Ron….

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Allright, what do you think? You’re drinking- you’re not holding back. You’re sending an email to letterstotwilight@gmail.com stupidly thinking that’s Rob’s email address.  What do you say? Maybe you don’t drink, but you’re uber sleepy. Or uber “upped” and NOT holding back. Spill it in the comments!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter

Oh here they go again...

Dear Rob, LTR-ers, and crazy Robsessed fans,

This weekend images from Rob’s Details spread and a corresponding interview/article leaked (TWSS) all over the interwebs and aroused, titillated and bewildered us all so we felt it was necessary to again bring in a panel of trusted experts to decipher the interview as well as break down the images. That’s right it’s time to play some HARDBALL! Yes, this is the LTR/LTR version of our very own cable news show so sit back and relax as we bring you all the facts, reactions and advice on:

HARDBALL with Moon and UC

Good evening and welcome to this edition of Hardball on Tuesday, February 16, 2010. And here’s what we know about Rob’s Details Magazine spread…

Moon: The Facts are as such: Jenny Lumet interviewed/hung out and got plastered with Rob on a couple occasions and wrote a sorta outsiders perspective/interview which is accompanied with a risque photoshoot of Rob looking bored with two nude models in some titillating positions.

Right, left, right, left, where am I looking?!

UC: How many times are you going to say “titillating?”

Moon: At least 10 more times. And I’ll giggle each time. FYI.

UC: Fine. As long as I can say “perv” a lot.

Moon: DONE! So let’s address the elephant (heh) in the room first so we can get the speculation out of the way and get on with the facts. So you may have been wondering and yes clearly Details called us up at the LTR/LTT remote headquarters (the M&S men’s underwear dept) and asked if we could offer our services as nude fetish models for Rob’s Details photoshoot. Certainly we were very busy, what with weighing the advantages of briefs vs boxers and taking frequent Slurpee breaks at the 7/11 next door but who are we to deny the world of art and ROB our services? So we agreed.

UC: Whew, I’m glad that’s outta the way. Imagine our surprise when we saw the good folks at details left off the red ribbons over our eyes! It was tres embarrassing to say the least. Now you’ve seen ALL of us and we feel closer to our audience and with that said let’s go to our panel of esteemed guests, Rob lovers, bloggers, h00rs and and Elephant experts for their reactions…Coming to us live from the busy “Shucks” Oyster Bar in the Midwest, USA is pal and original forum mod, Kristin! Hi Kristin can you give us your thoughts on Rob’s Details spread?

Smooth as Tom Stu...

Kristin: WHAT?! AM I ON?! Wait guys I gotta fresh drink… OH I’M ON?! HEY GUUUYYYSssss, I’m reporting live right now from “Shucks” Oyster bar where I’ve had about 5 Grey Goose and Crans courtesy of the good folks at “Shucks” and all I can say is I’m looking at the images now and picturing him with his finger on MY ass—

Moon: UH THANK YOU Kristin! Very personal on-the-scene reporting, we’ll come back to you later to weigh in. Oh wait, we’ve got breaking news from Tiffanized who has intercepted texts between Rob and Kristen on the day of the photoshoot. Let’s go to Tiffanized…

Tiffanized: Hi Moon! A source close to the couple (and my friend at the phone company) has just contacted me with information I think you’ll find these texts illuminating to what happened the day of the photoshoot between Rob and Kristen Stewart
K: R the models pretty?
R: No.
K: R u lying?
R: No.
K: What r they wearing?
R: Nothing
K: ??
R: I ment nothing nice.  I hit send 2 fast
K: Do u have 2 touch them?
R: Just a little
K: I can’t wait 2 c the pics

Follow the cut to hear some panelists, The Font makes an appearance and a sneak peek inside of LTT/LTR headquarters

Dear LTR-ers,

To go with the Valentine’s Day contests we ran on LTT/LTR we also hosted a contest on the forum for people to show us their best Rob porn/picture captions to win a gorgeous print from our fave artist Dwell Deep!

Also, don’t think we’ve forgotten all about the Details shoot we’re gearing up for a HUGE post tomorrow to cover it from ALL angles so enjoy this and we’ll be back to business as usual tomorrow!

by Lindelle

By Robstenforlife

by SingleStrand

by Robsten4life

Follow the cut for more good times

First Place Winner

Dear Rob,

Happy Valentine’s Day! To celebrate this great day of love, we’re announcing the winners for our Valentine’s Day contest! Just take all these conversation hearts as valentine’s messages from all of us here at LTR!

Goes to……… JodieO!!!!

We chose JodieO because of her brilliant use of the homonym “Stew” and “Stu” (don’t kill me English teachers- I know that’s not exactly right, but instead be proud that I, with the help of Moon, whipped out the word “homonym” for the first time since 7th grade)

JodieO win this GORGEOUS necklace courtesy of BellaBejeweled that is made from sterling silver and features a Swarovski pearl. Jodie- you get to choose what color pearl you want! Lucky!

CONGRATS JODIE!

2nd Place winner:

Goes to……Luludee!!!!

We chose Luludee because her heart is: Romantic, Rob-centric, Mentions a type of vodka- WIN ALL AROUND!

Luludee wins a Bite Me Edward notepad where she can spend HOURS upon HOURS of her day doodling new ideas for conversation hearts about Rob!

CONGRATS GIRLS! Email us with your addresses and we’ll get your prizes to you asap!

Follow the jump for special runner’s up!

Dear Rob,

There’s like WAY too much to talk about in regards to the Details pictures that came out last night for us to even begin to tackle on a weekend, so we’re gonna save that for another day when we’re not overcome with wanting to merv out over you and some ladies bare bum. HELLOOO.

So instead let’s just post a video and talk about two of our favorite people… well three including you but these two being Gozde from Robsessed (our favorite Rob site that has EVERYTHING) and Biel the famous, amazing master Rob video creator. These two wonderful ladies got together and created, in my opinion, the best video of you to EVER grace the face of the interwebs. It has it all: hot Remember Me clips, smiles, the shoulder carry, you as Art in How to Be, you drinking, you smiling, and all to the best song for the video: Rehab by Amy Winehouse. Cause seriously, they might as well send me to rehab at this point.

Seriously, does it get better than this?!

If you’re not a Robsessed reader or a Biel subscriber you should be cause we LOVE them. L-O-V-E love them! Do it now and then watch this video and we’ll be back with our thoughts on Details and Vogue. Whew. Prepare yo selfs.

XO
Themoonisdown

PS Tomorrow we’ll announce the Valentine’s Day contest winners!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter

Dear Rob,

I was all ready to write you a lovely Valentine’s Day letter full of fluff and hearts and x’s and o’s AND THEN I saw pictures from the set of Bel Ami with you in some period wardrobe looking all sorts of HOT. And I thought EF Valentine’s Day! That’s for losers, let’s talk some Bel Ami. And besides doesn’t that mean like “good friend” or something, that can be Valentines-ish. So of course I had to IM UC to see what she thought of the new pics and it went something sorta like this…

Man's best friend eh? HA they'll eat this shiz up!

Moon: DUDE he looks cute, right? And he’s with a dog. this is my kryptonite
UC: i mean semi better than the one with the toliet paper
Moon: This is like porn for Jane Austen fans
UC: i dunno. period dudes don’t make me wanna merv
Moon: DUDE im dying

Tally-ho to the stables!

Moon: THAT will be my end. Rob in some sort of regency period shit would be my undoing

I wonder if this porta-potty has toliet paper?

Moon: UGH the smile, the cig the porta potty
UC: i love you. i was underwhelmed by these pics. He looks like mr. darcy here
Moon: ill be overwhelmed for you cause i have a THING for mr darcy types. like pretty bad. I may or may not write pride & prejudice fan fic
UC: OMG write some FF based on these set pics
Moon: like “I’m utterly and totally bewitched by you, Mr. Pattinson” type stuff?
UC: Yea like…  “then he moved the chamber pot from the foot of my bed and began to undress. He undid his top button, then the next, then the buttons at his wrists. 20 minutes later his jacket was off
Moon: Later that day when he mounted his steed I caught a glimpse of his snow white ankle and I swooned. My lady had to bring the smelling salts to revive me.
UC: After he came back from the township he decided to remove his pants and then his shoes, and when he took them off and removed his triple thick pair of wool socks, the stench was so overwhelming I wished he would move the chamber pot back
Moon: Good hygiene, once lost, is lost forever. Good thing, my lady had left the smelling salts with me because the hideous odor made my eyes water. He mistook my watering eyes for tears and he rushed to my side. He told me Moon, you have bewitched me, body, soul and I love… love love love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day forth. And if you are amiable will you be with me forever?

OH Mr. Darcy... I mean Mr. Pattinson

Then in honor of Ms Austen who I’m sure would be a Rob fan if she was still alive today:

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good head of hair and a brooding stare, must be in want of a legion of crazed fangirls.”

Ah yes Rob, nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day to me like a good Ascot! I’m sure you understand.

Happy Valentine’s Day Ladies!
Themoonisdown

Ok spill it, you know you love some Pride and Prejudice! And what do we think of men in period garb? Men and dogs? Spill? Any Valentine’s Day plans?

STUFF!

• Enter the Valentine’s Contest!
• Email us your man’s email addy so we can “Drop the Hint” about the Twilight Valentine’s Gift Bundle!
• Jena started a Remember Me DVR alert section on The Forum

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter

Seems like just yesterday when you were this young.. (and this tan...)

Dear Taylor Lautner, [wait! you’re not on the wrong site! Keep reading….]

I heard it was your 18th birthday today. Happy Birthday. Send my regards along to Chris Hansen for being out of a job. (Although I have been hearing women way too old saying creepy things about that Justin Bieber kid. So maybe that’s his next gig.) Anyway, I caught you with your ol’ pal Rob Pattinson via that new “Buzz” feature in gmail. Seriously. My friend Jan buzzed “LOST IS LIFE” and I buzzed “I hate LOST and that girl from Remember Me” and then Rob Pattinson buzzed “I was in Remember Me” and I said “Rob? Is that you? Did you see I “liked” that picture from your Picasa feed of TomStu passed out on your La-Z-Boy with a Wii controller in his hand and some crust from a Hot Pocket on his mouth?” and he said “Hey UC. Yes I did! Hey I just started following you. Can you follow me back? So far only my mom and Mike Oregano are following me. And nothing is lamer than your mom and your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend being your only friends on the latest social networking craze. Hey are you gonna talk to Taylor tomorrow on his birthday?” And that’s how it happened. Rob is busy today so he asked me to pass along 18 pieces of advice for your 18th birthday. He also told me to tell you to get rid of your hotmail account mykarateisstrong@hotmail.com and get a gmail (I checked i’moverkarateandnowintof*cking@gmail.com is available) so you can “buzz” each other (apparently the jitterbug has an app). So do with that what you will. Plus hotmail is soooo 1997.

Now that you're 18, let's go pick up chicks

18 pieces of Advice from Rob Pattinson to Taylor Lautner

Hey Taylor. Sorry I couldn’t send you this list personally. I’ve been busy modeling my new briefs and snapping jitterbug pictures of myself and uploading them to Picasa. Here is some important advice. Happy Birthday Man!

1. Now that you’re a man, being on the cover of Tiger Beat month after month doesn’t fly. You need to branch out to a more mature female audience. This can be achieved by wearing more ill-fitting clothes, finding the perfect beanie to cover up that hair you need to stop washing so often and getting yourself a pair of suspenders that make absolutely no sense. Trust me- the ladies love it
2. Trust me on this one. If you meet a nice, older woman at a bar (or at the Olive Garden- whatever) check for tan lines on the ring finger… sure… you might THINK she’s not married… until her husband shows up the next morning to beat your ass to a pulp.
3. Just because you can legally watch porn does not mean you should be flaunting the fact that you are indeed doing so… sex shops are not your friends. The internet is. Once you get buzz I can show you some of my favorite sites. I share them in my favorites.
4. Always… Always ask for her age… then subtract 3 years … and when in doubt., assume she’s not legal. Jail will not be fun- especially for a pretty boy like you. Plus you just let Chris Hansen off the payroll as your protector… you really want to have to pay him because he starts blackmailing you after you eye up that cute young thang you met at the manufactured-Disney-teens-reunion tour who just happened to be 15? See this: http://www.ageofconsent.com/california.htm? Print it out. Memorize it. And if worst comes to worst- call this number: 1800-Too-Young and ask for Mr. Goldstein.
5. Now that your 18, take up smoking. Trust me- this way when you don’t shower for days and you end up smelling so bad that people have coughing fits when you walk by, you can blame it on the cigarette smoke.
6. Dad’s are a great source for clothing. I know you’re close to your pop. (In fact, I’ve heard he’s your only friend- see below for advice on that) Check out his closet. I promise you’ll find some gems buried in the back. And if you reach far enough, maybe in that box labeled 1981, they might actually fit you. If not, I know a good tailor who can bring that oversized blue polo in a good 10-12 inches.
7. 

   Does NOT count as a "pack of boys"

   Get a pack of “boys.” First verify you’re not gay- it doesn’t work the same if you are. It’s imperative that now that you’re 18 you can yell when leaving your house, “Mom, I’m going out with the guys” and mean someone other than your agent, dad and 12 year old cousin who hasn’t yet learned what deodorant is.

8. Speaking of “the house,” now that you’re 18 and wealthy, maybe it’s time to think about moving out and into your own place. No, I don’t mean the house that’s for sale next door to your parent’s in the Valley. How about heading south a few minutes in Los Angeles. There are places to live there. It isn’t all Hollywood blvd and your talent agency. Sure, it’s harder to find an Olive Garden, but I hear there are other places for good Italian food.
9. Since you’re now 18, things you used to do that were “cute” or simply brushed off because he were “just a kid” don’t get brushed off anymore. Like if you hug your mom for a little too long or nuzzle in her boobs… it’s no longer cute and mama-boyish. It’s just creepy. Or if you show up to a restaruant with meat patty bags … it’s no longer the quirky thing “the kid” is doing… its now the gross wierd habit of a freak.
10. Along the same lines, when an older woman asks you to sign her panties, it’s no longer something to be ‘creeped out’ about and tell your friends your dad. You can look her straight in the eyes and ask her to make you a man. It’s allowed now.
    Read on after the jump!

Too sexy too sexy... but I must...

Dear Rob,

As I often (read like every other day) do when a picture of you playing the guitar or holding the guitar or really just being in the general vicinity of a musical instrument comes out I have a personal quiet freak out (cause I’m a sucker for a musician, hello!) and then late that night I usually send the link to Kristin (fab friend and forum mod from way back) to have a mutual love fest over. And then lament how pwned we are by you and how much we want to punch you in the face for being that rad. Seriously, it pretty much goes exactly like that every time. From complete ecstasy to rage and annoyance in 5 minutes. Yes, that’s what you do to me.

So last night was no different. Some random picture from Remember Me came out of you holding that guitar and we went into rob-has-a-guitar-lets-freak-moment and then we commenced with the repeated listening of Let Me Sign and Never Think and then Kristin suggested that you should cover some songs and her pick was Work Me by the Black Keys and WOWwowweeewow was she right.  And then I wondered what would I want you to cover since we’re not getting anything new out of you probably for a long time and since you already not at all covered a Dashboard Confessional album what was left?? Considering your unique voice I gotta go with either Elton John My Father’s Gun or  anything by Cat Stevens like The Wind. I’d pretty much die listening to any of those songs being covered by you.

Then I took to Twitter to ask you all what your choices would be and here’s what you said…

Follow the cut to find out your picks…

Dear Rob,

You didn’t think you could go underwear shopping with TomStu and NOT have us post the pics and break them down vanity fair style, did you!? [Oh and you’ll notice we have a new feature called “EDUCATIONAL MOMENT” Where we stop and pose a REALLY important question about Britain/UK and life across the big pond. If you’d like to pipe in or one of our readers is from the UK/England/Britain (are they the same place!) please educate us in the comments so that we can learn much more about you!]

The one where they get caught in the porn section

Moon: ok so obviously they’re screwed cause they got caught in the porno section of the video store. Tom was like, “dude Rob come over here and look at this new one! It’s called “New Poon!” And the dude looks like YOU”
UC: Rob’s like “I saw that last night” and he gets royalties every time it’s sold
Moon: Yep! 5 cents every time someone gets off! If we had the same deal on this site we’d be rich!
UC: Then there’s Prince Henry over there.. what do you think he’s looking for?
Moon: The Queen will be SOOO sad
UC: especially cuz he’s renting a porn called “The Queen gets knighted”
Moon: and its a Helen Mirren look alike, so it’s essentially like he’s watching the porno version of The Queen (talk about some nana issues)
UC: Seriously. I mean. They ARE in the porn section. Why ELSE would they have things covered in plastic? There is no other reasonable explanation. Furthermore, they look like VHS tapes which makes sense… Rob being so technologically-incompetent. He probably hasn’t jumped on board with the whole DVD craze yet
Moon: do you think they’re the type of friends who would watch those tapes together?
UC: Yes. I think so.
Moon: in rob’s parents basement? DO they HAVE basements in the UK?
UC: EDUCATIONAL TIME (UK friends- do you have basements? Help us learn more about Rob in the comments!)
UC: I think they have 3 day porn, heineken, hot pocket and no shower binges
Moon: they’ve got a couple of Dick and Clare’s old lay-z-boys down there
UC: Yep. both with grease spots on the top where their head sits
Moon: Poor Clare gave up asking them to shower and wash their hair and instead just puts hand crocheted doilies over the head rest to hide the grease

Read the rest of the break down, after the jump!

Wait, where are the nude models?

Dear Rob,

There’s been a TON of hullabaloo over the last week about your “nude” photoshoot. People speculated everything under the sun about this photoshoot, from naked women to making out, to stuff that makes even me blush. And of course about .2% of any of this was true. Details came out and said there were a couple models who were nude but you weren’t. So of course that got my wheels spinning thinking about those lucky biotches poor models and what they could have been going through when they showed up to a modeling gig and it turns out they’re in their birthday suits with YOU!

Here’s how I think it might have gone…

Photographer: Ladies welcome to the Details photoshoot why don’t you strip down I’d love to introduce you to our main guy today! You’re in for a treat… Rob… we’re ready to start why don’t you come over here and we’ll get rolling

Girl #1: Rob? Dear God please say it’s Robert Downey Jr. or Rob Zombie, that’d be a cool goth shoot… or maybe Robert Redford! Now we’re talking…

Girl #2: Rob… there’s only ONE Rob I care about and I’d die if Robert Pattinson walked through those doors. But it just wouldn’t be him. All that time spent reading those books, seeing his movies, stalking him on the internet and in real life will NEVER pay off. It’ll be Robert Goulet before it would be Robert effing Pattinson with my luck.

Photographer: Ladies, I’d like you to meet Robert Pattinson who you’ll be shooting with today, Ladies… Rob… Rob… Ladies… now drop those robes ladies and let’s get started.

Girl #1: OH COME ON! The vampire guy? Ugh. At least give us someone good to drop trou in front of… Rob Lowe?! ANYONE… *drops robe*

Girl #2: *stunned silence/wide eyed* HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAPPITY CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!!!!!!!!! DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS please don’t let me faint! Did he just look at me?! HE LOOKED AT ME!!!!!!!!!! JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!! *slowly fumbles with robe, misses knot and has to claw robe from body*

Follow the cut to find out what REALLY happened