Dear Taylor Lautner, [wait! you’re not on the wrong site! Keep reading….]
I heard it was your 18th birthday today. Happy Birthday. Send my regards along to Chris Hansen for being out of a job. (Although I have been hearing women way too old saying creepy things about that Justin Bieber kid. So maybe that’s his next gig.) Anyway, I caught you with your ol’ pal Rob Pattinson via that new “Buzz” feature in gmail. Seriously. My friend Jan buzzed “LOST IS LIFE” and I buzzed “I hate LOST and that girl from Remember Me” and then Rob Pattinson buzzed “I was in Remember Me” and I said “Rob? Is that you? Did you see I “liked” that picture from your Picasa feed of TomStu passed out on your La-Z-Boy with a Wii controller in his hand and some crust from a Hot Pocket on his mouth?” and he said “Hey UC. Yes I did! Hey I just started following you. Can you follow me back? So far only my mom and Mike Oregano are following me. And nothing is lamer than your mom and your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend being your only friends on the latest social networking craze. Hey are you gonna talk to Taylor tomorrow on his birthday?” And that’s how it happened. Rob is busy today so he asked me to pass along 18 pieces of advice for your 18th birthday. He also told me to tell you to get rid of your hotmail account firstname.lastname@example.org and get a gmail (I checked i’email@example.com is available) so you can “buzz” each other (apparently the jitterbug has an app). So do with that what you will. Plus hotmail is soooo 1997.
18 pieces of Advice from Rob Pattinson to Taylor Lautner
Hey Taylor. Sorry I couldn’t send you this list personally. I’ve been busy modeling my new briefs and snapping jitterbug pictures of myself and uploading them to Picasa. Here is some important advice. Happy Birthday Man!
- Now that you’re a man, being on the cover of Tiger Beat month after month doesn’t fly. You need to branch out to a more mature female audience. This can be achieved by wearing more ill-fitting clothes, finding the perfect beanie to cover up that hair you need to stop washing so often and getting yourself a pair of suspenders that make absolutely no sense. Trust me- the ladies love it
- Trust me on this one. If you meet a nice, older woman at a bar (or at the Olive Garden- whatever) check for tan lines on the ring finger… sure… you might THINK she’s not married… until her husband shows up the next morning to beat your ass to a pulp.
- Just because you can legally watch porn does not mean you should be flaunting the fact that you are indeed doing so… sex shops are not your friends. The internet is. Once you get buzz I can show you some of my favorite sites. I share them in my favorites.
- Always… Always ask for her age… then subtract 3 years … and when in doubt., assume she’s not legal. Jail will not be fun- especially for a pretty boy like you. Plus you just let Chris Hansen off the payroll as your protector… you really want to have to pay him because he starts blackmailing you after you eye up that cute young thang you met at the manufactured-Disney-teens-reunion tour who just happened to be 15? See this: http://www.ageofconsent.com/california.htm? Print it out. Memorize it. And if worst comes to worst- call this number: 1800-Too-Young and ask for Mr. Goldstein.
- Now that your 18, take up smoking. Trust me- this way when you don’t shower for days and you end up smelling so bad that people have coughing fits when you walk by, you can blame it on the cigarette smoke.
- Dad’s are a great source for clothing. I know you’re close to your pop. (In fact, I’ve heard he’s your only friend- see below for advice on that) Check out his closet. I promise you’ll find some gems buried in the back. And if you reach far enough, maybe in that box labeled 1981, they might actually fit you. If not, I know a good tailor who can bring that oversized blue polo in a good 10-12 inches.
Get a pack of “boys.” First verify you’re not gay- it doesn’t work the same if you are. It’s imperative that now that you’re 18 you can yell when leaving your house, “Mom, I’m going out with the guys” and mean someone other than your agent, dad and 12 year old cousin who hasn’t yet learned what deodorant is.
- Speaking of “the house,” now that you’re 18 and wealthy, maybe it’s time to think about moving out and into your own place. No, I don’t mean the house that’s for sale next door to your parent’s in the Valley. How about heading south a few minutes in Los Angeles. There are places to live there. It isn’t all Hollywood blvd and your talent agency. Sure, it’s harder to find an Olive Garden, but I hear there are other places for good Italian food.
- Since you’re now 18, things you used to do that were “cute” or simply brushed off because he were “just a kid” don’t get brushed off anymore. Like if you hug your mom for a little too long or nuzzle in her boobs… it’s no longer cute and mama-boyish. It’s just creepy. Or if you show up to a restaruant with meat patty bags … it’s no longer the quirky thing “the kid” is doing… its now the gross wierd habit of a freak.
- Along the same lines, when an older woman asks you to sign her panties, it’s no longer something to be ‘creeped out’ about and tell your friends your dad. You can look her straight in the eyes and ask her to make you a man. It’s allowed now.
Read on after the jump!
- But remember, at 18… us dudes are allegedly peaking sexually… therefore I have one piece of advice for you… make sure the condoms aren’t expired. Throw out that one you’ve had in your wallet since the 7th grade.
- It’s cool to be close to your dad. I enjoy spending time with Dick. But before you had an excuse for always having your dad around. You were 17 and it was required by law. Now you’ve either got to ditch the old man or come up with some kinda excuse as to why the eff you are keeping him around. “He holds my meat patties” isn’t a good enough excuse. Mostly because I know there’s no way that man would be able to hold onto food without eating it himself. My advice? Ditch dad. that way you can explore all the places you’ve been traveling to the right way. And I mean you can go to a strip club without worrying that he’s going to block the stage.
- Go to a strip club. Don’t tell anyone there you’ve done karate. That’s not cool.
- Get Taylor Swift back. Reasons: #1 She’s hot. #2 She sold more albums than anyone last year. #3 You don’t want her to write a song about you if you’re NOT together #4 She can hopefully help you enough with your inevitable music career so that you don’t become a major embarrassment to yourself, your family and your future pack of “boys.”
- Don’t start a music career
- Call me next time around with Swiftner. I might have some advice to offer.
- I’m gonna reiterate that whole “Get yourself some friends other than Big Daddy, your manager and Kenny your cousin” because seriously… the more you just hang out with chicks that don’t put out and you don’t brag about banging them, the more its just gonna look like you’re not straight
- You’re 18. It’s time to celebrate. Come on over to England, where you can legally drink, and I’ll pick up an entire 6 pack of the finest beer available- Heineken- and we can watch porn and eat Hot Pockets with my friend Tom and I’ll show you all the famous London sites- like our version of Target and Wal-mart. And yes, just for you, England’s version of the Olive Garden
Happy 18th Birthday Taylor!
Rob & UC & Moon
Things to remember on Taylor’s Birthday:
- Enter the Valentine’s Contest!
- Email us your man’s email addy so we can “Drop the Hint” about the Twilight Valentine’s Gift Bundle!
- Jena started a Remember Me DVR alert section on The Forum