Dear Rob, LTR-ers, and crazy Robsessed fans,
This weekend images from Rob’s Details spread and a corresponding interview/article leaked (TWSS) all over the interwebs and aroused, titillated and bewildered us all so we felt it was necessary to again bring in a panel of trusted experts to decipher the interview as well as break down the images. That’s right it’s time to play some HARDBALL! Yes, this is the LTR/LTR version of our very own cable news show so sit back and relax as we bring you all the facts, reactions and advice on:
HARDBALL with Moon and UC
Good evening and welcome to this edition of Hardball on Tuesday, February 16, 2010. And here’s what we know about Rob’s Details Magazine spread…
Moon: The Facts are as such: Jenny Lumet interviewed/hung out and got plastered with Rob on a couple occasions and wrote a sorta outsiders perspective/interview which is accompanied with a risque photoshoot of Rob looking bored with two nude models in some titillating positions.
UC: How many times are you going to say “titillating?”
Moon: At least 10 more times. And I’ll giggle each time. FYI.
UC: Fine. As long as I can say “perv” a lot.
Moon: DONE! So let’s address the elephant (heh) in the room first so we can get the speculation out of the way and get on with the facts. So you may have been wondering and yes clearly Details called us up at the LTR/LTT remote headquarters (the M&S men’s underwear dept) and asked if we could offer our services as nude fetish models for Rob’s Details photoshoot. Certainly we were very busy, what with weighing the advantages of briefs vs boxers and taking frequent Slurpee breaks at the 7/11 next door but who are we to deny the world of art and ROB our services? So we agreed.
UC: Whew, I’m glad that’s outta the way. Imagine our surprise when we saw the good folks at details left off the red ribbons over our eyes! It was tres embarrassing to say the least. Now you’ve seen ALL of us and we feel closer to our audience and with that said let’s go to our panel of esteemed guests, Rob lovers, bloggers, h00rs and and Elephant experts for their reactions…Coming to us live from the busy “Shucks” Oyster Bar in the Midwest, USA is pal and original forum mod, Kristin! Hi Kristin can you give us your thoughts on Rob’s Details spread?
Kristin: WHAT?! AM I ON?! Wait guys I gotta fresh drink… OH I’M ON?! HEY GUUUYYYSssss, I’m reporting live right now from “Shucks” Oyster bar where I’ve had about 5 Grey Goose and Crans courtesy of the good folks at “Shucks” and all I can say is I’m looking at the images now and picturing him with his finger on MY ass—
Moon: UH THANK YOU Kristin! Very personal on-the-scene reporting, we’ll come back to you later to weigh in. Oh wait, we’ve got breaking news from Tiffanized who has intercepted texts between Rob and Kristen on the day of the photoshoot. Let’s go to Tiffanized…
Tiffanized: Hi Moon! A source close to the couple (and my friend at the phone company) has just contacted me with information I think you’ll find these texts illuminating to what happened the day of the photoshoot between Rob and Kristen Stewart
K: R the models pretty?
K: R u lying?
K: What r they wearing?
R: I ment nothing nice. I hit send 2 fast
K: Do u have 2 touch them?
R: Just a little
K: I can’t wait 2 c the pics
Follow the cut to hear some panelists, The Font makes an appearance and a sneak peek inside of LTT/LTR headquarters
Moon: Thanks Tiffanized sounds like Rob better burn every copy of this magazine before she sees it. With that in mind let’s take a closer look at some of these pictures… Here we have Rob in his white suit jacket and all I can think is he opened his own seafood restaurant on the coast and is acting as the maitre d during his down time
UC: he’s telling us about the freshly caught scallops
Lula: At Rob’s Seafood restaurant all clothing is designed by Geoffrey Beene
Moon: And of course he hired us as the waitresses and our uniform is provided by LEGGS. Let’s go to Lula our resident Fashion and panty hose expert, can you tell us if these are Control Top or Sandal Toe?
Lula: Definitely control top, notice how it holds her in down south while lifting. We’re most definitely dealing with some sort of control panel.
Moon: Ah yes, I can see it now… Illuminating as always Lula, this is good to know for our readers future purchases. Thank you for your expert opinion. UC?
UC: Well, now that the cats outta the bag and everyone knows we are the models in this shoot we might as well let everyone know that part of this photoshoot was shot in the LTT/LTR headquarters.
Moon: Yea it was quite easy because they just told us to go about our normal routine… In the morning we make out, near our oil painting of Rob
UC: Then we blog and drink scotch and pee in that wicker toliet
Moon: Then around lunch Rob just shows up to hang out and watch you bone me from behind while he tries to look disinterested. That is actually a picture of our daily staff meeting.
UC: Right after Rob had a meeting with the Mafia and stole these hot shoes for us.
Moon: Too bad he stole the clown ones for himself
Moon: Let’s get back to the interview… Jenny Lumet writes about Rob that… “Complete strangers want to fuck you, shoot you, be you, buy you, sell you, run their fingers through your hair, watch you have sex, hear you pee, eat chips with you, and kidnap you and stuff you in the trunk of their car….” And I ask you panelists if given the opportunity what would you want to do to Rob or make him do?
UC: I’d like to hear him pee, possibly IN my trunk.
Moon: Uh alright. I’m glad I’m not the poor person who has to clean out your trunk at the car wash next time you go in for a hose down. How about you Kristin… can you hear me Kristin?
Kristin: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!! I’m ON?? HEY EVERYONE we’re back at Shucks and I want Rob with his finger on MY ass—
UC: ALRIGHT Kristin, yes we get that you want to have Rob touches your bootay. Thank you and have another shot for us, we’ll come back to you in a bit hopefully after you’ve come up with some some new commentary.
Moon: Moving right along lets bring in our next panelist and marketing/advertising expert, BrookeLockhart. Brooke can you let us in on how the public is handling this Details photoshoot with Rob?
Brooke: When I’m not a key Hardball panelist, I am working in advertising and marketing, where I need to keep a pulse on general market behavior and attitude. I’ve brought a chart to illustrate recent changes in behavior due to the release of these photos and Rob’s interview. Let’s go to the chart, shall we?
UC: Folks, you’ll see that to your left on the screen…
Brooke: As you can see… dammit who included me in this chart!?
Moon: Sorry Brooke, looks like your research team is still hungover from the weekend. Let’s switch gears and talk about the real topic everyone’s been buzzing about Rob’s allergy to the female lady business. Here’s what he had to say…
“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”
UC: Clearly he didn’t know how to answer because he really wanted to say “UC & Moon made me think about doing dirty things against that wicker toilet but I probably shouldn’t say that out loud.”
Moon: Obviously! I mean he didn’t want to make KStew jealous or anything. Let’s go to one of our resident male contributor, podcast (coming soon!) panelist and red blooded dude: The Font! What’s your take on Rob’s “allergy?”
The Font: Leave it to Rob Pattinson to make naked women unappealing.
Moon: Tell us Font as a straight guy can you really say you’re “allergic to vagina?”
The Font: He’s a weird dude. But you can’t be normal and be Rob Pattinson. He is a mess of self-loathing. I am getting kind of depressed reading this.
Moon: Reading this, he seems like a sad clown drunk. Like instead of being happy and hugging people and wanting to dance he just wants to “get all deep n shit and talk about life, bro!”
The Font: oh yeah dude. like, i kind of just want to buy him a beer and tell him that it’s all gonna be okay. ‘buck up kid. life isn’t all a morass of existential milieu’ he wants to be understood. but no one can understand him. It’s kind of sad, actually.
Moon: So you’re saying he’s an island unto himself?
The Font: No, he’s not. If he was an island, he’d be a badass motherfucker. like, if he is who he thinks he is, he wouldn’t be doing an interview with details magazine. His idol should be Dicaprio. like, that’s one of the only guys to go from heartthrob to serious actor and he didn’t do it by talking about being in love with his dog or whatever. like, respect the process. You’re an actor to express your humanity to the world. That’s where you’re supposed to do it. Not in magazine interviews. Pattinson’s a huge star. He should have more control over his image than this. You can’t not play the game at all. By not playing, you’re still playing.
Moon: Wise, wise words T.F. I’m sure Rob is having an epiphany in whatever trailer he’s reading this in now on the set of Bel Ami. Rob if you’re listening to this edition of Hardball and like what you hear, tune in to our Podcast which will be released soon!
UC: Dare we go back to Kristin at the raging party at Shucks? Ok, Kristin are you there do you want to weigh in on Rob’s hate of the vah-jay-jay?
Kristin: *Yelling to crowd* He hates vagina!!!! We knew it! ROBSTU love! You want to Rock Tom Stu’s boat and we’ve known it all along.
Moon: Wait, Kristin, Rob’s not actually HERE with us in the studio… Kristin… ok, nevermind. Let’s go to Arrested Development lover and soul mate HeyyyBrother. HB tell us your thoughts…
HeyyyBrother: Assuming he and Kristen are indeed together, this could also totally explain Kristen’s surliness. I mean… we’re all assuming that Rob is a tiger in the bedroom, but what if he’s a confused disaster? What if, at the age of 23, he still fumbles with bra clasps for 20 minutes? What if he really does think “I’ll Make Love To You” is the best smexin’ music of all time (OF ALL TIME)? Couple sexual frustration with finding out that your boyfriend has announced to the world that he’s only ever connected emotionally with his dog (meaning you, a human who can actually use words couldn’t live up to that relationship), and I think we’d all come off a little grouchy.
Moon: Wait, you’re saying Boyz II Men ISN’T the best sexy times music all of all time?? Color me surprised. So any final thoughts? What did you take away from this interview with Rob? HeyyyBrother why don’t you go first…
HeyyyBrother: So basically, I came away from this article looking at Rob as a little more Andy from 40 Year Old Virgin (except Rob might also have A.D.D.), and a little less Paul the hot French dude from Unfaithful. But the awkward is endearing, and his pretty face makes up for everything. I’d like nothing more than to have a beer or six with him just to have the opportunity to pick the brain of a man whose best day of his life involved getting gummed by an elephant. Except taking advantage of him… that I might like more.
Moon: Enlightening HB, enlightening. I still gotta say that Boyz II Men is all up in my slow jams with Rob mix. But oh well, let’s go to Brookelockhart for her final thoughts, Brooke?
Brooke: It saddens me that we, as a fandom, were too late to save Rob. The Respect Rob campaign did little to help Rob’s emotional stability as evident by Rob’s mental digression to that a six year old boy. Look at the evidence in the article, Rob hates vaginas. What’s another word for vagina? Cooter. What sounds just like Cooter? Cooties. Rob thinks girls have cooties!!! If only just a few more of us took pictures of ourselves with our hands in front of our faces, Rob would not be getting his jollies by the trunk of an elephant, but that of the sexy naked models rubbing themselves upon his body. Rob, on behalf of the fandom, we are truly sorry. To try to make it up to you, I have publicly shamed all the bloggers that posted the leaked Eclipse Photos
Moon: Thank you Brooke! Any final thoughts Kristin? Kristin… KRISTIN!!!!!!!!
Kristin: SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT!
Moon: Yes, thank you Kristin. Deep thoughts. And our thanks to Shucks for hosting you. Tell them to invoice us the damage you did at the bar. We’ll put it on Rob’s card. Wow folks, and with that another Hardball draws to a close. We’ve learned a lot, we’ve SHOWN you a lot of ourselves and have placed orders for new control top panty hose. We want to give special thanks to all our panelists, wedding dress wearer and oyster lover: Kristin, Volvo aficionado: Tiffanized, chart maker and Koolaid hater: Brooke Lockart, sick aunt lover: The Font and PT Loser dealer: HeyyyBrother!!!!!!! Thank you all for your amazing commentary and we look forward to next time!
Staff meeting time!
Moon and UC
So did you make it through to the end. We said epic and we meant it! Thoughts? Favorite pictures? Did you ever think you’d see that much of Moon and UC? And by much we mean our lady business?