Thank you for giving us something to blog about. Before these LA Times pictures came out today, I was planning on writing a letter to Patty, your dog, begging her (him?) to run away or something so we could have an excuse to write an open letter to the South Barnes Police department.
You know how lots of blogs & fan fic writers provide a soundtrack for their posts and stories? Well, we’re so sorry we’ve never done that. Today’s “Breaking it Down Vanity Fair Style” comes with a soundtrack. You’ll find the songs throughout the post in the form of you tube videos. Warning: You may cry. Warning: You may want to wear black. Warning: You may want to raid a Hot Topic. Warning: You may feel circa 1999-2002. But trust us, to get the full effect of what we went through while breaking down these new pictures, you gotta listen along:
UC: It looks like Edward’s hands are busy opening a candy bar
Moon: I think this is contemplative Edward or rather, he’s thinking about how he gets to straddle Kristen all night or probably what they’ll have for dinner in craft services
UC: He’s hoping for twix
Moon: Will it be spaghetti or tri tip? He hopes there’ll be no more spinach like last night. gross
UC: he’s not Popeye
Moon: his muscles are painted on- they don’t come from a can of leafy green veggies
UC: right. Popeye’s are real
moon is an emo dork
Moon: So clearly Kristen has mastered the art of peeing outside against trees
UC: that big tree hides her from the prying eyes of Chris Weitz. Wait- is that Chris? or the local lumberjack? I can’t tell
Moon: They’re random crew dudes. That grandpa is about to knock the photog over with his boom mic- no one messes with his KSew
UC: ‘don’t peek’ he warns
Moon: He’s probably got a wurthers in that parka
UC: yeah.. he borrowed them from Edward
Moon: Kristen is helpless to that toffee candy
Moon: BORING! Moving on…
UC: Aww! what a cute little boy (ahem)
Moon: He’s totes clenching so his muscles look pumped
UC: He’ll be a dashing older man someday. He looks like a doll- like that Jacob doll mixed with Ken
Moon: What dolls did you ever have that had abs?
UC: He’s the Mexican Ken doll. Moon- Barbie and KEN!
Moon: Oh- I was thinking porcelain dolls on a bed- on a frilly bedspread.
UC: No THIS
Moon: um thats the creepiest ken doll ever
UC: I know. My Ken did not have a penis that definied.
moon is an emo dork
UC: I think this is my new favy Edward picture for this movie
Moon: oh emo Edward in full effect- I LOVE the Elvis collar
UC: yeah.. he’s practicing for his band’s show later. He’s playing with Dashboard Confessional. He’ll break into tears in the middle of a tune
Moon: awwww he’ll out sad-bastard Chris Carrabba
UC: Seriously, move over Carrabba. Go back to that Italian restaurant where you came from
Important question: Do you think he cleans his ears?
Moon: God I hope so- Clare taught him that much
UC: I dunno…. I can see that being someone’s job every morning- to clean his ears.
Moon: While he practices his Dashboard Confessional songs? Someone in make-up cleans his ears? He’s “VINDICATED I AM SELFISH I WAS WRONG”
UC: And they also trim his nose hair and floss him
Moon: “SCREAMING INFIDELITIES!!!”
UC: cuz you KNOW he doesn’t floss
Moon: “YOUR HAIR IS EVERYWHEREEEEE”- dude that song is ABOUT him. He totes sympathizes. (Emo song #1)
UC: Wow. Chris Carrabba is SO guido. I never realized
Moon: He’s sooo Florida and is like my perfect man circa 2000-2004 (not the guido part)
UC: from Carraba to Rob (that sounds like from Justin to Kelly)
Moon: Wow- Mike on drums looked like Seth Cohen for a sec. This music video is gheetto
UC: Um Dashboard dork of the day award. You know the drummer’s name? EMO dork of the day award!
moon is an emo dork
Moon: OHH look grandpa is back!
UC: Obviously this is a serious scene because as we learned from Calliope last week, “tweed is serious.”
Moon: this is grandpa Edward in full effect
UC: Do you think he and Chris Weitz share beanies? And don’t they look like “little people” in the woods? With all those big trees?
Moon: yea cause Chris and Peter share scarves, so I’m sure it’s all about cast/director bonding. Yeah this is totally the midget version of Twilight
UC: do you think Chris is listening to Rob’s cover of Dashboard’s “Places you have come to fear the most” on those headphones? (Emo Song #2)
Moon: Yeah- it’s that or his take on the Summers kiss EP which works perfectly for the sad forrest scene
Moon: I’m getting my Dashboard albums out right now, by the way. Dont cry: (Emo Song #3) cause i am
UC: what should Rob’s album title be? It needs to be something long and emo. It needs to be about New Moon
Moon: Yeah, it’s gotta be all angsty and shit
UC: I’ll look at Dashboard’s album titles for inspiration
Moon: There is also some emo album title guide
UC: Ugh… how do you know that? are you in an emo band you never told me about?
UC: How about: Impossible to leave you, but I will, for your sake
Moon: Nah- it needs to be more douchbaggey
UC: I will haunt your mind so you know I never truly left
UC: Dashboard had: A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar. How about: A Love, A Leaving, An Ache, A Reunion
Moon: A Vampire, A Girl, A Wolf a Cluster f*ck
UC: or Don’t you dare f*ck that wolf?
Moon: Dude we better have some emo nerd readers who can appreciate our creativity
UC: and our emo brilliance. Find me that song where Chris Carrabba cries
Moon: Emo Song #4 Dude this music is like pretty much the soundtrack for Twilight (or at least for Wide Awake)
UC: We should so write angsty fan fiction where Edward & Bella are in an emo band
UC: And we thought we were confused by Bella running through bushes in Italy? look at THIS picture. It looks like she brought her ‘purple’s cool” comforter to the the camping department at Cabellas and some dude brought along his pet snow dog… At first glance I thought the snow dog walker was Jordan, our resident LTT Unicorn (which is a knock to the dog lady and not him- she makes a handsome man)
Moon: Jordan was pissed cause they told him Ashley was filming and it turned out to be Bella.
Rob’s hand in his pocket- he’s making sure the condoms are still there (or that leftover twix)
UC: or.. the wurthers. Cuz, well, an old man like him? In the tweed pants? and those shoes? I don’t think he can get it up.
Moon: He has VIAGRA mixed in with the wurthers. It’s the BLUE pill, Rob! Not the gold foil wrapped toffees! Easy mistake.
Moon: OH MAN JORTS ALERT
I’d like to point our attention to Jacobs jorts
UC: he didn’t read our post
Moon: They’re not like Rob’s since he’s not pairing it with a fanny pack or nascar shirt, but dear Jacob, jorts are a dealbreaker! Even if you’re a hot werewolf who runs through the forest
UC: With this pic of Grandpa Edward…. I’m just so confused. What is with the angle?
Moon: outtake from the album cover shoot
UC: This pictures was a little too much “Instead of leaving I’m going to stay in your closet & stalk you,” so they axed it. But was the photographer under the table getting the shot?
Moon: nice white tie, Edward. This was definitely stalking material
UC: the photographer may have also taken this through the peephole in Rob’s hotel room
Moon: “Don’t mind me Bella, I’m just hanging out next to your sweatpants in the closet here”
UC: “I’m hiding under your purple summertime comforter that’s in storage, in the closet” (Ghetto Song #1)
Moon: “you want me to do WHAT?! I thought anal wasn’t in the contract? I’m gonna have to get Steph and Nick on the line”
UC: “Didn’t I tell you? I eat wurthers now. I can’t get it up anymore”
Moon: “This is my new yoga move I’ve been learning- DOMWARD DOG”
UC: “You mean they are going to be q-tips in my EARS?”
Moon: Maybe Edward is really a sub. Subward dog
UC: oh yes… Edward in the movie would totes be the Sub. Umm Confession: After hanging out with our gay friend this weekend and hearing about a guy he dated who is into S&M.. hubs & I were discussing the ball choke. Which I thought was a choke for the balls. Hubs said “No, it’s for the person who is in submission to put in their mouth- to not talk.”
Moon: You mean the ball gag?
UC: Yeah, same thing, but gayfriend called it a choke. Then I said “ohh for the sub to wear” And hubby was like “What? No?” and I said ‘Yes, The sub would wear it.” And he said “What’s a sub?” And I thought, “Oh shit….”
Moon: HAHAHAHAHA you’re all up on your Dom/Sub. You’re like “Uh, about my secret lifestyle. I’ve been reading S&M Fan fic. And learning a lot. Wanna go to a party and SCENE for awhile?”
UC: Do you think Chris Carrabba scenes?
Moon: Edward is putting on his benetint (lip stain)
UC: do you notice that he wears a gold pinky ring? I was gonna judge him… but then I decided that’s just awesome. That’s emo. It’s Guido- it’s Florida. It’s something Chris Carrabba would do.
Moon: He also has make-up lady hands. Nice nails, Edward.
She has the best job on the damn set. She gets to touch his chin and lips
UC: Seriously. Do you think it’s a coincidence that those hands don’t look to be the hands of a 21 year old who just got out of MAC beauty school? But from an older, more mature lady?
Moon: for serious. They’re not dumb. Get grandma on the set. No squeeing. (And she’ll also be able to give up her Premarian)
Moon: freaking Bella praying
UC: what do you think she’s praying about? For blessings on her food? On the fish fry?
Moon: asking God to help her decide between jailbait and Rob
UC: and for her hairpiece to stay on and to stop itching
Moon: and for Wal-mart to have more slutty tops when she goes back to pick up one for herself in different colors
UC: and that this time they don’t put her on the front page of PeopleofWalmart.com next to this guy
Moon: Dude Taylor’s tattoo!!!!!!!!!!!
UC: and his fake looking stomach! Who is that skinny? I like the snowman next to him
Moon: His upper body is REDICULOUS
UC: redonkulous is an appropriate phrase here.
Moon: Where is Big Daddy? I wanna see Big Daddy in a North Face jacket
UC: I dunno- do you think that snowman is Big Uncle?
Moon: Yeah. It’s big Unkes. I may have to photoshop a Big Daddy puffy jacket pic for my personal collection
UC: Let’s talk about this picture cuz they clearly all die. And are walking into heaven. This reminds me of the movie Ghost (RIP Paptrick)
Moon: They’re praying again. I’m so glad the cast is blanketing this film with prayers. Obviously they’re fasting and praying like Lula prompted.
UC: Do you think they’re praying that that creeper in the left hand corner will leave them alone?
Moon: “Dear God, make this shit not stink and let there be fish fry for dinner tonight.” That creeper is Chris, leading the prayer. They’re going in a circle. And he’s closing
UC: “Dear God, please make him stop with the method acting tonight. I need to get some. And all he wants to do is suck on wurthers”
“Dear God, I love this tweed. I feel so serious. Please let them sell underwear made from it”
Moon: “and let Vancouver university let me be a professor for one day so I can be serious in this tweed”
UC: “and please let me sell a lot of albums from my emo debut”
Moon: “and please let Nike make an orthopedic sneaker so I can wear it with this tweed” Then Chris prays, “Dear Lord, let me not suck this up as much as Cathy Hardwicke. And please help her lose my phone number so she’ll stop inviting me for mucho mudslides at Fridays so she can “give me tips” or “Just the tip”
“My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
What do YOU Think of the pictures? and oh- we’re not done. That wasn’t even HALF of what we broke down:)
PS: We apparently got nominated for some twitter thing. We’re not sure what it is, but we hear that if we win Rob promises to send us a naked text. And we promise to share. So vote for us (Search for our twitter name: letter2twilight)