*Join us for a letter written about a special literary addiction by DazzeledtoDeath!*

Oh it's unleashed alright

Dear Rob,

I read Fanfiction. A lot. I read all kinds-all human, vampire, alternate universe, but no matter what it’s about, I think of you, Rob. Most of the stories are about Edward, but it’s you I’m envisioning. Your voice, your face, your hands doing all those dirty/sexy/creepy things to all those lucky Bellas. So I wondered: What would it be like if it was actually YOU, Rob, in those stories? Hmmm…

Oh hello there Domward

The Scene: A playroom, outfitted with all manner of BDSM paraphernelia-whips, floggers, handcuffs, a whipping bench. The door opens and in walks ROB, wearing just a pair of low-slung jeans. He looks around, looking bewildered and a bit apprehensive. He spies a woman, naked, blindfolded, with a ball gag in her mouth, tied spread-eagled to a large wooden X. He stares, mutters “What the..” then runs out of the room in horror. He eats himself into a Heineken and Hot Pocket stupor  and convinces himself it was just a bad dream.

BB would like to see you in his office, NOW!

The Scene: A corner office in a prestigious office building. ROB walks through the door and past a horrified secretary.  “Sir..did you forget? You have a meeting in 20 minutes!” “Yeah ok…could you order me a cheese burger and Coke?” “Sir…what about your ahh..suit? Do you have one in your office?” “What’s wrong with this hoodie? I just picked it up at Goodwill..Crap-do you have a needle and thread? I’ll put a few stitches in this hole and I’m good to go..” Secretary rolls her eyes as she digs around for a needle and thread. “At least he’s a not so uptight anymore..”

You wanna pierce me WHHHHAATTT?!

The Scene: A Tattoo shop. Alice dances up to Rob, smiling. “Hey Rob, you’ve got a client coming in at 5:00..there’s time enough for me to give you that ampallang you wanted to go with your apadravya.” Rob (befuddled) “Ampa-what?” Alice, showing him a picture:”Ampallang, silly! Bella will love it!” On seeing the picture, Rob clutches his groin and faints dead away.

You don’t really have to have read these fics to see that Rob really doesn’t fit into these scenes at all. And these are just my takes on how  Rob would react to being a Dom, a high powered exec and a hot tattoo artist with multiple piercings. But this why I love fan fiction-even though Rob isn’t Edward, I can imagine him doing all the crazy, f*ckhot things that Edward gets to do in fanfiction. So is the fantasy better than reality? I don’t know, but since I don’t have Rob to find out, fanfic kinda tides me over.

Oh, and case you’re interested, the stories I put Rob in are The Dominant, The Office and Clipped Wings and Inked Armor.

-dazzledtodeath

So do you read fan fic? If so do you imagine Rob when you’re imaging the characters? Does that make you blush when you watch the movies? 😉

Follow the cut to join in the discussion and for something extra!

Back by popular demand (!) One picture, two takes. Except this time we have FOUR takes on this unfortunate (or fortunate…) new picture of Rob`

Take 1

Dear Rob,

I know that face, that is the face I make when my roommate makes cabbage soup. The “getting a whiff of something heinous” face. What do you smell today, Rob? Your own BO?

Rob, did you get several deodorants in your Christmas stocking? Your family was dropping hints…Wash your clothes, ROB!! Hotels have laundry service…just a simple call to the front desk…usually just one button, seriously. Seriously.

Brookelockart

Take 2

Dear Rob,

Really!? Seriously? You’re going to disappear on us for weeks on end, show up on our TV screens for 45 seconds fresh off a 3 day drinking binge with Tom Stu with a beard that reminds me of that guy who led the Jews out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea and make THAT face!?

Fine I’ll take it. We’re in SUCH a deep Rob drought that I’ll take you making your Edward “don’t come near me or my girl or else I’ll growl in my tight white T-shirt and show you my perfectly styled hair” face.

Grr baby,
UnintendedChoice

Take 3

Dear Rob,

You know what? I have determined that this face was the look you used all throughout 2008 whenever you saw Oregano. In 2009, you used it exclusively on Nikki Reed. In 2010, you’ve expanded this look to include anyone who asks you to shave off your beard (although your 2010 look hasn’t been as fierce given the bush on your face and serious lack of jaw fierceness) or anyone who asks you to present at an awards show. WAIT. Scratch that. On a second viewing… you look… turned on in a ferocious kinda way. Like you and your lover just had a screaming match over something really silly and you’ve finally come to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter that you bought the gel toothpaste when the paste kind was clearly written on the list and you’re trying to control your rage and suddenly realize you’re not actually pissed but a hella-lot turned on then…BOOM…makeout.

Let’s fight over something silly,
CalliopeBlabs

Take 4

Dear Rob,

It looks like EW asked you if you can do any imitations and you showed them your best Austin Powers…

“Grrrrr baby… do I make you horny? Randy, baby, yea do I!?”

Well… now that you said it…

Love,
Themoonisdown

Follow the jump for an EXTRA special surprise

Dear Rob,

Since you’re MIA (have we said this enough yet?) bored people on the internet (us) have started making stuff up about you. Besides the usual gossip: where you’ve been, what you’re doing, WHO you’re doing, folks have decided you need to be part of the most popular garage sale/personals site on the interwebs aka Craigslist.

Here are the ones I found…

(clicky to enlarge)
and

(clicky to enlarge)

Quite hilar, really. I mean YOU on Craigslist… who would have thunk it, but we’re smart enough to know those amateur attempts aren’t really YOU! Funny thing is, while I was searching I found these and I’m beginning to think you might have discovered Craigslist in your time off…

Check em out after the jump

Continuing in our quest to educate Rob and all the LTR readers about the holidays around the world, we learn about a special holiday being celebrating way down under TODAY!

This map is accurate, except for 'Dannii Minogue' - she's Britain's problem now!

Dear Rob,

I want YOU to get your learn on – I am nothing if not an enthusiastic proponent of all things related to ME. So in LTR’s series “Teach Rob About Your Holidays, In Hopes That He Will Decide To Celebrate The Next One With You”, I give you… Australia Day!

Being an agnostic non-American, I learned last year about 2 Jewish holidays, Thanksgiving, and the Fourth of Joo-lai. It was exciting, fascinating, hunger-inducing – everything I hope to bring to you (and LTR of course) in this informative bulletin.

Australia Day is January 26th, and is ostensibly the day that Australia was landed on by a bunch of British naval officers, and a crap load of convicts (they made it all the way out here on a BOAT – what the heck is your excuse?! Sorry, bit of a rant-tangent there, I digest…). It is not, in fact, the day Australia became a country (that’s New Years Day, 1901). Or the day we got independence (because we don’t in fact have that, your Queen is our Queen, but not the one with Freddy Mercury in it). No, it’s the day the First Fleet landed, planted the ol’ Union Jack, and started the colony of Sydney with a bunch of pick-pockets and prostitutes.

I will lead you to believe that all Australian women look like this if it gets you down here

It has long been argued (by me, mostly) that the reason why Australians are so awesome is that we’re all either descended from crooks who loved getting drunk, or from immigrants who wanted to get drunk in a place with nicer beaches. I myself am descended from settlers, and my Dad is actually English, so this stereotype I’ve concocted isn’t really accurate, but nevertheless brings me to the major salient point about Australia Day:

BEER

This is closely followed by:

MEAT

And to round out the ultimate trifecta of awesomeness:

CRICKET

• You put the beer in your mouth, and also on the meat (that’s what she said).
• Put the meat on the barbie (or BBQ, for those unfamiliar with Australian – a language in its own right, trust me), then put it in your mouth along with lots of tomato sauce, white bread rolls, and onions.
• Finally, after sitting in the sun too long, drinking too many VBs and eating too many snags with too much ‘dead horse’, you play cricket. Usually poorly, with someone eventually hitting the tennis ball over the back fence for six and out, and being unable to retrieve it as it has landed on the neighbour’s roof/been taken by a dog/fallen in the river and been swept out to sea.

Probably too much physical exertion for you, Rob, don't want to tire you out...like this

I know I don’t have to explain this bit to you, as you’re from the country that invented this strange but oddly riveting sport. To Americans: Imagine baseball, but less boring when the players are in coloured uniforms, and more boring when they’re in white. I’ve tried explaining cricket to non-Commonwealth citizens, and fail every time.

Australia Day isn’t such a fun day for Indigenous Australians, being that it basically marks the day we wandered in and took over their country, and kinda continue to refuse to give it back. Everyone nowadays knows that it isn’t meant to celebrate a bunch of criminals who couldn’t fit in England’s jails turning up in what is basically tropical paradise around the edges, but it’s to celebrate that a lot about Australia kicks ASS and we would like it to continue to do so.

So come on down Rob, you’ll find me this Australia Day in a mate’s backyard, cracking a tinnie, bowling someone out, getting red as a beetroot and eating more sausage sangers than I knew could fit in my belly. They’re kind of like Hot Pockets, if you squint and look at them sideways. Did I forget to mention that it’s currently summer down here? No need for 25385854 layers and a North Face jacket, it’ll be bikini bottoms and side-boob as far as the eye can see – and not a mullet in sight, because I don’t live in the western suburbs!.

Sunbaked, drunk, and ever yours,
Cledbo

Cledbo- I greatly appreciate the education today and know Rob would as well. I learned  many new worlds (I had to read your letter like 12 times cause it was kinda like you were speaking a different language) and WAIT… are you saying Australia is not independent from England? Really? Seriously, I must learn more. You and Rob share a Queen? Jealous…

Do you have a holiday you’d like to teach Rob about? You know the drill- send in your letter!

Follow the jump for an extra special treat!

Hey Rob wake up! You've got fainmail! ROB... rob... nevermind

Dear Rob,

We here at Letters to Rob were cleaning our your mailbag this weekend (it’s getting kinda low, shhh it’ll be ok) and noticed you’ve received a couple letters we think it’s time for you to address. So like any good interns we’ll be showing you your mail while your face down in the couch passed out after an all night bender with the boys now that KStew’s off being a snow bunny in Park City and then we’ll writing back to your adoring fans and forging your signature… you know, what all normal interns do. So here we go…

XO
moon

My Dearest Rob,

This is what we put on Rob when he orders take out

I would like to take a moment to kindly remind you that you could have almost any woman on this planet. Just in case ya forgot, ya know?  Seriously though, I would take off all my clothes right now and do totally immoral things to you if you asked (PLEASE ASK). And those that say they don’t want you, they do, they just don’t know it yet. Trust me, I was once one of them. So anywho, the fact that you could be bangin’ oh IDK maybe a total hottie like Megan Fox me, but instead choose to bang a socially awkward, stuttering 19 year old that sports a mullet on top of the body of a 12 year old boy, disappoints me greatly. To be quite frank, I look better than her after 26 years and birthing a child. Epic fail on your part. So whenever you come to your senses and decide that you want need to raise your standards, give me a ring. I’ll be waiting.

Love,
Your Future Baby Momma (Crystal)

P.S. I vaguely remember you saying in an interview that you would consider following in Ashton Kutcher’s footsteps. In case you didn’t catch on earlier Rob, let me point out that I am 3 years older than you. Wait, would I be considered a TwiMom then?  Eww, I’m not sure how I feel about that. Why don‘t we just start a new category, how about TwiMILF? Yeah, I totally dig that. I stole the words right out of your mouth didn’t I? Boy do I Love you Rob. Damn you.

P.S.S. I totally wasn’t kidding when I said PLEASE ASK.

Dear Crystal,

Maybe you will be my baby mama after this weekend of Kristen gallivanting around Sundance talking to men NOT wearing plaid shirts OR named Robert Pattinson. Hmmmphhh. And these immoral things you speak of, can I ask? Are you willing to write down a detailed description of each act. Do these acts involve melted chocolate or bowls of cinnamon toast crunch? Perhaps you’ll be blind folded with the sleeve of my plaid shirt?

There’s one stipulation to this whole Ashton Kooooocher thing, will I have to get a twitter and annoy the hell out of everyone with my tweets about YOU (my Demi)? Cause if so then I may have to look for a different Demi, but if not, I’m asking. and I’m NOT kidding. Or drunk. Maybe.

X
Rob

Follow the cut to read the rest of Rob’s mail and to see if you agree is Rob a bad kisser?

Rumors popped up all over the interwebs this week that Rob has signed on to a new movie (Water for Elephants) and we know he’s been putting on weight for Bel Ami (Dear God, please let that be the reason he’s put on weight). So what does that mean for the movie Unbound Captives? Well, I don’t really know except that it’s rumored to be on hold. But if it isn’t on hold, or if it does get made some day, here is a fan letter expressing some concern over what we might be exposed to…

Dear Rob,

I know picking projects post-Twilight must be a daunting task. Will you outlive your teen heartthrob phase like Leonardo DiCaprio and Johnny Depp? Or become Luke Perry – bloated, leathery, and wandering the aisles of the West Hollywood Target looking for some small reminder of your former glory in that faint spark of recognition from a shopper in the toilet paper aisle? (Note: True Story!)

I heartily approve of your first post-Twi choice. Remember Me seems to have everything going for it! Smiling, laughing, brooding, fighting, hallway sex, and PLAID. And it’s about…..something I’m sure. Then you signed on for Bel Ami, which we can all say we want to see because it’s a satire of ambition with high brow literary origins, but in actuality we will be seeing for sex, more sex, dirty French sex, and top hats. What more could a girl ask for?

And then there is Unbound Captives. I admit it, Rob, I’ve got doubts. Ignoring the title…. No. Can’t do it. The title, Rob. The title. Is it borrowed from a romance novel? One of those awful airbrushed Fabio numbers. In fact, I’m hoping the title is some kind of in joke between the writer and the middle school girls with whom she traded a worn copy of Unbound Captives: The Romance Novel (naughty passages highlighted, of course.)

Outwardly, I can see the appeal. A sweeping, romantic period piece with Rachel Weisz and Hugh Jackman. Sounds Oscar-baitey. And it’s Madeline Stowe’s directorial debut (Which the people have been clamoring for, right? Ever since they got sick of waiting for her “hey I’m still acting” debut?).

Then I realized that you would be playing a boy raised by Comanches.

Here’s where the bad mental pictures start. Just the thought of the fan art that will ensue is almost too much for me. Don’t get me wrong, it could be good – you with a tan (spray tan?), riding bare back and wearing buck skin pants. On the other hand, you could end up looking like Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (please see picture). There’s no doubt a wig will be involved. The only question is: how bad will it be and can you borrow Taylor’s? Once you’ve got your flowing locks I would watch out for Catherine Hardwicke stalking you in the bushes.

It seems your Comanche name in the movie is Tsomo which means “bead”. Bead? Really? Supposedly you are a warrior, but a warrior of what? Friendship bracelets? (If so, I would like mine to say “RPattz 4-ever”) There’s got to be a name that better evokes your essence. “Smoking by Dumpsters”? Or perhaps “Eater of Hot Pockets”?

So there must be a good reason you chose to be in this movie. Perhaps you thought “Yes! I get to wear a loin cloth, so much better than “jorts” – plus I can integrate it into my every day wardrobe like my other costumes, right?”. Or was it the possibility of learning dirty words in Comanche? Curiosity about whether you can ride a horse without falling off?

I hate to doubt you, Rob. Prove me wrong.

Love,

HotJupiter

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

Dear Rob,

*Sung to the tune of “The Boys are Back in Town“* BEARDWARD’S back in toooowwwnnn, Beardwards back in town! You finally came out of hibernation today on your way to the Hope for Haiti Now telethon location in London. It’s good to see some things never change…

Same hat? Check. Same leather jacket? Yup, check. Same jeans? Chiggity check! Same blue jacket used for layering? Check! NEW BROWN SWEATER?! YAHTZEE!

Even ‘ol Steve/Dean the bodyguard and his dad-jeans are back! It’s like a family reunion! Minus me and UC.

Then it was time for you to help bring in the big bucks for Haiti…

It was awesome to see you back in action at the Hope for Haiti Now telethon even though your facial hair was all up in your lips and it seemed as though your mountain man beard weighed down your face so much that you were unable to show any emotion. But we’ll take what we can get and be happy about it! I mean what more could we ask for but people like YOU coming out for a good cause sandwiched between folks like Justin Timberlake (and Matt Morris, HOOOLLLAA MMC!) and JayZ, Bono and Rihanna?!

Did anyone else find it ironic that he spoke of technology in the crisis when he himself rails against stuff like Twitter and owns a Jitterbug cell phone? Oh Rob… we love you!

XO
Moon

Did you watch the telethon? What was your favorite performance? What was your favorite awkward celebrity phone call? Wasn’t Rob’s hair hot?

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

2 time, world's sexiest man alive

Dear Rob,

In the wake of the Haiti earthquake disaster everyone including celebs have been rushing to spread the word, donate and figure out how they can help in any way. And we’re glad (and a bit proud) to say you’re no exception. Your new boyfriend George Clooney (2 time People’s Sexiest Man) has put together a huge celebrities give back telethon bonanza to take place this Friday on MTV and about every other channel. And it’s no surprise he called up you (GQ’s Best Dressed Man) to help host the UK portion of the event. Smart thinking Georgie, SMART THINKING. Not that we wouldn’t all be tuning any regardless but now we’ll be Tivo-ing and probably making at least 100 calls in hopes of talking to Rob himself on the phone. So of course that got us to thinking about you answering phones at the telethon and what (in our perfect, twisted world) that would sound like… soooooo why not?

*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*

George Clooney: Welcome to the Celebrities Give Back to Haiti Telethon. I’m your host, 2 time People’s Sexiest Man Alive: George Clooney!! Who’s ready to lend a helping hand?! With me tonight we’ve got the biggest names in the show biz: my other boyfriends and Oceans 11 costars Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and special lady friend and beard groomer St. Angie Jolie! We’ve also got Julia Roberts, Adam Brody (hey, this is how I see it! pipe down!) and that girl I dated in Italy. I’m pleased to announce our special UK correspondent for tonight: GQ’s Best Dressed Man and one man savior to the Hot Pocket industry: Mr Robert Pattinson. *Touches ear piece*  Welcome him!

*Wild applause, phones ringing*

What? I have to answer the phones?

Rob Pattinson: Helllllloooooo United Kingdom! I’ll be your host for the evening, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crapping my pants a little bit right now. This is a lot of pressure for a man with no experience in this sort of thing to go through. Plus I had to get my hair and beard trimmed, unibrow waxed and find some clean clothes in my dad’s closet, so needless to say, I’m already exhausted. But it’s all for the cause! Speaking of the cause, let’s get this thing started *Cue Rob’s choice of kick off music “Let’s get Ready to Rumble”*

Rob Pattinson: I’m going to start by calling up a mate of mine *gets out phone and dials* Hello Marcus!? I’m here on National television- oh you can see me! Sure. I’ll wave hi *faces cameras* Hi Mrs. Foster *blows a kiss* Anyway, pal, I don’t have a lot of time, but I wanted to see if you could donate to the people in Haiti- wha- what? Really!? Oh mate! You’re going to make some Haitian boy so happy *wipes a tear from his eye, looks at camera* Marcus is donating a plaid shirt!

*switch to George in L.A.*

George Clooney: Plaid… what? Wait- Rob… Rob? Can you hear me?

Rob Pattinson: Oh hey there George! How is it going on your side of the–

George Clooney: Rob we’re looking for monetary donations only.

Uh, oh! Will Rob get fired from a charity event? Find out after the jump!

Wait, you're trying to tell me you don't find this sexy and appealing?

Dear Rob,

I feel that we’ve reached a point in our (fake) relationship that I must confess something to you that has been bothering me for the past year.  No, I’m not cheating on you – unless you count my husband.  It’s much worse than that.  Okay, here it goes.  Rob, when I first saw you, I didn’t think you were cute.  I know it’s painful to hear.  Trust me I feel foolish for admitting it since, obviously you are the hottest and sexiest man walking the planet.  But allow me to tell you my story and perhaps you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Like most women here, I was introduced to you via the Twilight movie.    My mother dragged me to the theater on opening weekend for a little mother/daughter time.  Neither one of us knew anything about this little movie you made, but we were lured in by all of the hype.  So that’s where I had my first encounter with you.  I remember the first moment you came on screen.  I remember your slo-mo walk into the Forks High School cafeteria.  I remember it because that was the moment I lost 10% of my hearing as every hormonal teenage girl in the crowded theater squealed with delight.  What was my reaction, you ask?  Was I “dazzled”.  Sadly, no.  I laughed.  That’s right, Rob.  I laughed at you.  So did my mother.  We laughed at your bouffant hairdo.  We laughed at your Maybelline #743 red lipstick.  And we didn’t stop laughing throughout the entire movie.  The more the girls screamed, the harder we laughed.

Maybe he's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline

On the car ride back to my house, we had a discussion on whether or not you were good looking.  We decided that you probably looked better without your vampire make-up.  So after arriving home, I googled you.  (Okay, first I had to look up Twilight on Imdb so I could pull up the cast list and figure out what the hell your name was – then I googled you.)  I spent the next 15 minutes looking at photos of you without your vampire make-up.  Guess what?  I still didn’t think you were cute.  Just stick with me, Rob.  I’m getting to the good part, I promise.

I soon forgot about you and went on with my life.  One day, as I was doing some cleaning, you showed up on Ellen.  That’s right, the famous Ellen interview of ’08.  At least that’s how I refer to it.  That’s the moment you dazzled me, Rob.  I heard you giggling, and I stopped what I was doing so I could watch.  I’ve never heard a grown man giggle, so I was intrigued.  As I watched I became aware of the fact that you seemed very nervous and awkward and, quite frankly, you seemed like a complete dork.  I loved it!!  You were the complete opposite of the typical “Hollywood Movie Star”.

Find out the rest of TooOldforThis’s deep dark confession and see what finally won her over after the cut

Dear Rob,

Do you know how crazy you’ve made me? I seem to have come down with some sort of flu (yes, I just had pneumonia- I’m a mess!) and so I spent yesterday in the Emergency Room on some IV fluids to strengthen my weak body. As I was lying in the room with a needle poking my arm (um, ouch. Remind me to never have something more serious. I can’t handle pain) I was thinking of you. No no, not really about you- your attractiveness, your word vomiting adorkableness, and where the H you’ve been- although if I had, That would be Normal, but I was thinking about how I had to write a letter to you today and how even if I was feeling 100% I have NOTHING to say because you’re completely and utterly MIA and how that’s not fair because how am I supposed to write a blog about you when there’s nothing to say? Then I realized I probably shouldn’t care and should focus instead on how to make that fluid in the bag move faster (I may have considered puncturing a hole in it) so that I could get the needle out of me PRONTO.

Anyway, I came up with a little ditty to show how utterly ridiculous I am committed I am to you:

I, UnintendedChoice, take you, Robert Pattinson, to be my obsessive hobby, constantly on my mind, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of Moon, your mom and Dick and my family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to faithfully blog about you in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow, like when a needle full of IV fluid is trying to kill me. I promise to blog about you unconditionally, even when you disappear and there’s nothing to say, to support you in your goals, even if they’re lame and involve questionable movie projects, to honor and respect you but not your choices in women, to laugh at with you and cry for with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

That’s committment,
UnintendedChoice

Follow the jump for some special RobPorn from PinkPixieChick, Robsten4life and JodieO and Zeph