Rumors popped up all over the interwebs this week that Rob has signed on to a new movie (Water for Elephants) and we know he’s been putting on weight for Bel Ami (Dear God, please let that be the reason he’s put on weight). So what does that mean for the movie Unbound Captives? Well, I don’t really know except that it’s rumored to be on hold. But if it isn’t on hold, or if it does get made some day, here is a fan letter expressing some concern over what we might be exposed to…
I know picking projects post-Twilight must be a daunting task. Will you outlive your teen heartthrob phase like Leonardo DiCaprio and Johnny Depp? Or become Luke Perry – bloated, leathery, and wandering the aisles of the West Hollywood Target looking for some small reminder of your former glory in that faint spark of recognition from a shopper in the toilet paper aisle? (Note: True Story!)
I heartily approve of your first post-Twi choice. Remember Me seems to have everything going for it! Smiling, laughing, brooding, fighting, hallway sex, and PLAID. And it’s about…..something I’m sure. Then you signed on for Bel Ami, which we can all say we want to see because it’s a satire of ambition with high brow literary origins, but in actuality we will be seeing for sex, more sex, dirty French sex, and top hats. What more could a girl ask for?
And then there is Unbound Captives. I admit it, Rob, I’ve got doubts. Ignoring the title…. No. Can’t do it. The title, Rob. The title. Is it borrowed from a romance novel? One of those awful airbrushed Fabio numbers. In fact, I’m hoping the title is some kind of in joke between the writer and the middle school girls with whom she traded a worn copy of Unbound Captives: The Romance Novel (naughty passages highlighted, of course.)
Outwardly, I can see the appeal. A sweeping, romantic period piece with Rachel Weisz and Hugh Jackman. Sounds Oscar-baitey. And it’s Madeline Stowe’s directorial debut (Which the people have been clamoring for, right? Ever since they got sick of waiting for her “hey I’m still acting” debut?).
Then I realized that you would be playing a boy raised by Comanches.
Here’s where the bad mental pictures start. Just the thought of the fan art that will ensue is almost too much for me. Don’t get me wrong, it could be good – you with a tan (spray tan?), riding bare back and wearing buck skin pants. On the other hand, you could end up looking like Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (please see picture). There’s no doubt a wig will be involved. The only question is: how bad will it be and can you borrow Taylor’s? Once you’ve got your flowing locks I would watch out for Catherine Hardwicke stalking you in the bushes.
It seems your Comanche name in the movie is Tsomo which means “bead”. Bead? Really? Supposedly you are a warrior, but a warrior of what? Friendship bracelets? (If so, I would like mine to say “RPattz 4-ever”) There’s got to be a name that better evokes your essence. “Smoking by Dumpsters”? Or perhaps “Eater of Hot Pockets”?
So there must be a good reason you chose to be in this movie. Perhaps you thought “Yes! I get to wear a loin cloth, so much better than “jorts” – plus I can integrate it into my every day wardrobe like my other costumes, right?”. Or was it the possibility of learning dirty words in Comanche? Curiosity about whether you can ride a horse without falling off?
I hate to doubt you, Rob. Prove me wrong.