In the wake of the Haiti earthquake disaster everyone including celebs have been rushing to spread the word, donate and figure out how they can help in any way. And we’re glad (and a bit proud) to say you’re no exception. Your new boyfriend George Clooney (2 time People’s Sexiest Man) has put together a huge celebrities give back telethon bonanza to take place this Friday on MTV and about every other channel. And it’s no surprise he called up you (GQ’s Best Dressed Man) to help host the UK portion of the event. Smart thinking Georgie, SMART THINKING. Not that we wouldn’t all be tuning any regardless but now we’ll be Tivo-ing and probably making at least 100 calls in hopes of talking to Rob himself on the phone. So of course that got us to thinking about you answering phones at the telethon and what (in our perfect, twisted world) that would sound like… soooooo why not?
*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*
George Clooney: Welcome to the Celebrities Give Back to Haiti Telethon. I’m your host, 2 time People’s Sexiest Man Alive: George Clooney!! Who’s ready to lend a helping hand?! With me tonight we’ve got the biggest names in the show biz: my other boyfriends and Oceans 11 costars Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and special lady friend and beard groomer St. Angie Jolie! We’ve also got Julia Roberts, Adam Brody (hey, this is how I see it! pipe down!) and that girl I dated in Italy. I’m pleased to announce our special UK correspondent for tonight: GQ’s Best Dressed Man and one man savior to the Hot Pocket industry: Mr Robert Pattinson. *Touches ear piece* Welcome him!
*Wild applause, phones ringing*
Rob Pattinson: Helllllloooooo United Kingdom! I’ll be your host for the evening, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crapping my pants a little bit right now. This is a lot of pressure for a man with no experience in this sort of thing to go through. Plus I had to get my hair and beard trimmed, unibrow waxed and find some clean clothes in my dad’s closet, so needless to say, I’m already exhausted. But it’s all for the cause! Speaking of the cause, let’s get this thing started *Cue Rob’s choice of kick off music “Let’s get Ready to Rumble”*
Rob Pattinson: I’m going to start by calling up a mate of mine *gets out phone and dials* Hello Marcus!? I’m here on National television- oh you can see me! Sure. I’ll wave hi *faces cameras* Hi Mrs. Foster *blows a kiss* Anyway, pal, I don’t have a lot of time, but I wanted to see if you could donate to the people in Haiti- wha- what? Really!? Oh mate! You’re going to make some Haitian boy so happy *wipes a tear from his eye, looks at camera* Marcus is donating a plaid shirt!
*switch to George in L.A.*
George Clooney: Plaid… what? Wait- Rob… Rob? Can you hear me?
Rob Pattinson: Oh hey there George! How is it going on your side of the–
George Clooney: Rob we’re looking for monetary donations only.
Uh, oh! Will Rob get fired from a charity event? Find out after the jump!
*30 minutes later. Camera pans the room in England and Rob is seated at a table with all the other operators, waiting for the phone to ring*
Rob Pattinson: Hello! Thank you for calling the donation line. This is Robert Pattinson. How much would you like to pledge today?
Robsten Girl: OMG IT’S ROB!!! IT’s ROBERT THOMAS PATTINSON. OMG ROB IS SHE THERE? IS SHE WITH YOU NOW? IS SHE UNDER THE TABLE GIVING YOU A YOU-KNOW WHAT?
*girl sitting next to Rob hangs up on her phone call where she was in the middle of taking down a pledge for $3500 and grabs the phone from Rob*
Nonsten Girl: You are a crazy delusional freak imparting your own insecurities about being alone forever onto this poor innocent, very attractive telephone operator. And ANYWAY, my guys friends and I always give each other beej’s at charity telethons. That’s proves nothing NOTHING *slams phone down*
*Rob is front and center, in front of the cameras once again*
Rob Pattinson: Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a special treat for you tonight. Let me introduce: Kellan Lutz and Taylor Lautner
*The guys walk out and the crowd goes wild. Actually just one gay guy running sound goes wild. The rest aren’t exactly sure who these two guys are*
Taylor Lautner: Thank you, kind people of the United Kingdom, for having us on your telethon tonight
Kellan Lutz: Thanks to GC, my favorite doc of all time (don’t tell Facinelli!) for putting this together. But watch your back man- I’m after your title. Hahahahahah *slaps his knee*
*switches to George in the US*
George Clooney: Who the f*ck is that kid?
*back across the pond*
Rob Pattinson: Taylor and Kellan agreed to appear here tonight to encourage everyone to call in. Plus as an ADDED bonus- every time we hit $10,000, the guys are going to bench-press me! Yes, you heard that right. Are you ready guys?
*Taylor and Kellan rip off their shirts in one fluid movement and freeze in the most ‘macho man’ position possible*
*Rob is back at his phone, covering his mouth to keep his conversation quiet. The following is heard*
Rob Pattinson: …you said if I ever needed a favor…..helped keep you in business….would be great if you could….oh really?…..well, George said moneta-…..a year?…..hmm…..*licks his lips* okay i think that will work…… thanks”
*one hour later, Taylor and Kellan’s faces have turned purple in their “macho-man” positions and Rob seems increasingly frustrated. His cell phone rings*
Rob Pattinson: Hey George. I know. I told you I probably wasn’t the best for this job. Okay. Any ideas? Just get out there? Encourage them? Give anything? Okay. Thanks
*Rob faces the cameras, for one last plea*
Rob Pattinson: Ladies and gentle— Ladies of the United Kingdom. I know times are tough. The economy is in shambles. Money is tight. You all saw New Moon so many times you dipped into your budget for charity giving. But please- we’ll take anything. It doesn’t need to be much. Anything helps. I know what it’s like to be broke. But I also know what it’s like to feel good about giving anything I could. So dig around in your couch. Go out to your car and look under the mats. Look in your pants pockets and in your spouses pants pockets. If all you come up with is $2.00- great! That’s $2.00 more than we had before. Call in today!
*the calls start flooding in. Relief rushes to Kellan and Taylor’s now blue faces and Rob walks away proud*
*1 hour later*
George Clooney: And this wraps up our night! Let’s give a big round of applause to all our hardworking, rich and famous celebrities who had to forgo an evening with a VIP room for once. And to all of YOU! Our wonderful pledgers. Let’s check in and see how we did. In NY- they raised 10 million dollars. Not to be out-beaten, LA brought in a whopping $12 million big ones. And how about down in Haiti with Andersen Cooper? What!? Really? They raised a gazillion dollars. Now, I know what everyone has been waiting for. Let’s see how the UK did with George Clooney wanna-be- haha just kidding you not really– Robert Pattinson. Oh. Uh. Um.. Well, it looks like Rob pulled in $17.57, a plaid shirt and a year’s worth of pepperoni hot pockets for one lucky Haitian. Thank you to everyone who participated and remind me never to ask Rob for a favor again.
*pan to the UK*
Rob Pattinson: Wait! I will personally match the next donation that comes through and Kellan and Taylor will bench-press me, no matter what amount it is!
Random British person: We got $20!!
Rob Pattinson: All-right! Guys, Let’s get ready to rumble!
*Kellan and Taylor immediately begin to turn a more attractive color as they lay on the crown next to each other and simultaneously lift Rob Pattinson into the air*
Fade to Black..
UC & Moon
In all seriousness, what all these celebs are doing tonight is wonderful and sure to raise a record number of donations!!! Almost every major network in the US is airing the “Hope for Haiti” special and Robsesssed has a post with places you can see the event oversees. If you can’t call in during the “Hope for Haiti” special, check out our post on Haiti from last week for ideas on where to give. Together we can all make a difference!!!
Looking forward to FINALLY seeing Rob tonight!?
Oh yeah, new Rob EW outtakes from Robsessed. YUM