Rob Pattinson responds to his fanmail

I grabbed my school bag filled with No. 2 pencils from inside my fort to write back to fans today!

Dear LTRers,

Since I, Robert Pattinson, run the site “Letters to Rob” because I’m a vain person who manages a website where people submit letters to me under the guise of two crazy (but very hot) fans, UC & Moon, I decided today to respond to some of my fan mail myself. I have nothing better to do. I’ve been holed up in my hotel room for weeks. I haven’t seen the light of day, haven’t run a comb through my hair, haven’t thrown away a single empty hot pocket box for weeks, have enjoyed making a fort out of the empty hot pocket boxes, have requested 3 bottles of Raid ant killer to destroy the little guys who have infested my fort and have gotten quite high from the fumes of 3 bottles of ant killer. It was okay though. I write killer songs when I’m high. Not surprisingly my latest song was to Kristen and had a rousing chorus of, “I’m gonna raid your heart like an ant raids a fort” Ehh… doesn’t sound so good in writing. I’ll sing it next time I’m on D Choice’s show “Interviews with people before they’re irrelevant.” Or maybe I’ll mumble it. That might be better.

here come the mumbles

Anyway, on to responding to letters!

finally

Love always,

Robert Thomas Pattinson, master fort maker

get ready for the crazy

I sent up a message 3 or 4 months ago….. where is my reply?!?! U guys when u have free time, just reply, ok?!?!?! I’m sick of waiting for a reply from what i used to think were the cool guys….. u SUCK!!!!!!! >=(

REPLY OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLOODY REPLY!!!!!!!!!!! ♥

Dear Have Patience,

don’t be in such a hurry

First of all, you wrote me on September 8th- which is just over a month ago. I’m really famous, so it takes me awhile to respond. In your first email you told me you were 12 and that you’d like to know more about me. Okay. I don’t like kids and you’re basically one, so I probably wouldn’t like you. Unless you like forts. Then I might like you. I do like to have sex in my fort. With myself usually, but off and on I bring in a guest. Is that the type of stuff you like to learn about me?

when you get impatient, you only start to worry

Love,

Rob

remember, remember, that god is patient toooooo

Hey babe it's me- the one you'd love even if I was a traveling Evangelical singer

Hey Rob…I know you must be thinking,”Oh, its just any other fan letter saying that he or she loves me or something like that”. Well yes, I Love You… The moment I saw you I was totally crazy for you. I wish that i have personal contact with you… I do wish that you gave me your email id or phone number… That would be like a dream or fantasy coming true… I know that it may not be possible for you but please try. I really love you… I swear that even if you were not someone famous or an actor i would still love you… You are a great actor… I saw your movie for the 18th time today… I have all the books of twilight and i completed reading all… Its nice that you took up the role. I hope its not an agent answering this mail.. If it is please, please give me Rob’s id… I’m not like the crazy people who would make a website of your is or advertise it… Please do reply… i love you… ❤

Dear crazy in love,

I believe you. That you love me. It was when you told me you’d love me even if I wasn’t famous. That really touched my soul and proved to me that you really do love me. Even though I am famous. And played Edward Cullen. that doesn’t matter to you.  You swore on it!

Love,
Rob

PS: I wasn’t sure what you meant by “ID,” so I attached a scan of my driver license (currently revoked in all of the United States and 3 provinces in Canada), a copy of my passport & a 3 year old membership ID card to “Planet Fitness.” Actually I’ll mail you the original of that card. I have only been there once and that was to sign up for the membership.  They take money out of my checking account each month. Consider it a gift from me to you- my one true fan who really loves me for me.

Running to my fort real quick to grab more No. 2 pencils. I’ll be back faster than you can click “Read More”

i love edward cullen and no offence rob ur american accent sucks!

i am hurt

Dear hurtful words thrower,

Hello. I’m Edward Cullen

What american accent? That was supposed to be Australian.

I love rob

Love,

Rob

i love bobbygee

Don't attack! I told her I wanted a "military" look. But I meant military circa 1800s. I like wearing a white wig. It was an easy mistake. Anyone could have made it

Dear Rob,I know you said once (or twice) that you don’t know what it is that we (screaming fans of yours) find so great about how you look. I know you also said that if there was some way to change your face you would. Well, there are ways, but please for everything and everyone you love, don’t change it! I will cry my heart out if any plastic surgeon takes away your incredible beauty for cash. That is a sin and i would get whoever were to do it with a very sharp lethal weapon. I would scorch the flesh off that surgeon’s head if he/she were to go anywhere near you. Sorry for that graphic piece of information but if you walk into (or go near) one of those places where people gat new faces (and b**bs) then you would be endangering the lives of everyone in that building. Just something i wanted you to know. Because it festers me from the inside out to think about how you would come out of there.

Love a heartsick fan of yours.

Dear arsonist/heartsick fan of mine,

Thanks for the reminder to never let it slip where I get my haircut. We wouldn’t want there to be an, uh, mishap with a pair of scissors, you and my hairdresser if she accidentally cuts me a little shorter than your liking.

Love,
Rob

Ps: I love b**bs

hi i just read u want to go back to london i dont blame you the girls here are crazy and your not use to that it just feels like you hate your fans even me but i would never do that i mean if i met you i would not scream or try to pull your cloths off i would say hello i love all of your movies and your a hardworker lol if i was you i would take a break from all the fame and everything to go back to your hometown and just stay there for awhile and get to know your fans and see your friends and family there that’s what i would do just keep up your good hard work and take a break once in awhile and try to ignore the papparazzi i hate them so much lol

p:s: loved you in how to be

Dear How to be lover,

Really? You loved me in that movie? I thought it kinda blew…

Love,
Rob

EWARD MY LIL GIRL GOES CRAZY 4 YOU WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT THE $28,000 KISS SHE SAID U DIDNT KISS THE GIRL CAUSE U R HER BOYFRIEND ND THAT SHE WANTS TO MEET SEE U ND SHE IS ONLY 5 YRS OLD HER NAME IS HAILEY ND IM HER AUNT JESSICA

Dear Aunt Jessica,

Eward here. Yeah- isn’t that crazy that someone paid me $28,000 for a kiss? Also, I’m trying to do the math. Since you type in CAPS, I assume you’re 11ish years old. You have a 5 year old niece, so you were 6 when she was born. So your older sister was probably 10 years older than you and around 16ish when he/she had Hailey? So now she’s 21? Tell her I said “How you doing” and then go put on some teletuubbies or something for the 5 year old. She needs to not know who I am. I plan to leak a sex tape soon. Tell your older sister.

Love,
Rob

*This was NOT written by Rob. Rob does NOT run this site. He does NOT reply to letters written to him via this site. However, I bet it’s safe to assume he DOES make a fort out of his left over hot pocket boxes & even makes wrist cuffs for his friends out of the hot pocket sleeves. It’s pathetic I have to clarify this, but, well, you read the crazy letters “Rob” responded to. So you understand why I did it!

Go hang out at The Forum– NOTE. “Rob’s Flat” is not where Rob actually lives
Gush over Chris Weitz w/ Moon on LTT

All images found a magical way. Go to google. Type in “Robert Pattinson” and watch. Gazillions of IMAGES pop up!