Rob Pattinson sends a text message

R U a F-A-K-E L-E-S-B-I-A-N?

Dear Rob,

I recently read via a very credible source (showbiz spy via the national enquirer) that someone told them that you just can’t stop texting Kristen. This friend of yours (who must’ve swiped your AT&T wireless bill) said you text her upwards of 400 times a month. WHOA. That’s like 13.3333 times a day and 4,300 times a year.

After I read that, I pondered it for like 13.3333 seconds wondering, “What in the world does he text Kristen about? Does she text him back? Are they texts of friendship or are they texts of love? Who could have 4,300 texts worth of stuff to say to Kstew annually?” Then I realized it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what you text her. I have been cyber-stalking you since November, and I do pride myself on knowing every little detail about your life (wait? Is that pride? Or 1st-hand embarrassment?)

Here is a chronological sampling of some of the 8,400 texts you’ve probably sent Kristen in the last 21 months or so:

H-E-Y uh hello? Operator? I'm trying to text...

“Hey it’s me Rob. Good to meet you. I hope I get the part. Put in a good word”
“Rob Pattinson…? From the audition an hour ago….?..at Catherine’s house…?”

“It was really good talking to you about the existential meaning of Stephenie Meyers’ work of literature”
“Oh. Yeah, I thought it was pretty bad too…”

“Fun hanging out with you tonight. Wish we could’ve had more time alone. Also wish Nikki didn’t barf on my nikes”

“Wait. You have a boyfriend?”

“Bella, it’s me Edward”

I F-o-u-n-d G-o-d

“Tell me the truth. Who is handsomer- me or Michael?”

“found a shirt in the trash outside the airport SCORE”

“you should leave Mike for me”

“do you think the new director will re-hire that small Indian kid? What was his name?”

“I wanna try one thing…”
“I know you said to stop. Sorry. I really promise this time not to ever say that again”

“Sorry….i usually last longer than it takes to type this text…”

“Skipped showering again today, you?”
“Yeah, I knew it. Saw a pap pic. Wanted 2c if u’d admit it”

“please? i swear I won’t leak them on the internet”

“have you seen my pants?”

Mom. I tried to text back but it took me 10 minutes. I lost Tom

“wanna have sex after rehearsal?”
“K then..wanna get hot pockets after rehearsal?”
“try out my room’s microwave?”

“i got a new shirt”
“yeah. thought you wouldn’t notice. It’s not new. It’s Marcus’ ”

“just got to The Coug. Are you here yet?”
“Oh. it’s The Couve?”

“Check out- naked pics of Ash! Haha. Kellan paid me $25 bucks to send them in anonymously. Stole them from Jackson”

Yeah… those sound right. Just 300-some variations of those every month. The only thing I can’t really get my head around is how in the world you figured out how to text on your old-school cell phone (the jitterbug, right?) I didn’t know those phones had that capability. Your fingers must really cramp up. And that’s usually a good thing…..

L-E-T-S  D-I-R-T-Y  T-E-X-T,
UnintendedChoice

Seriously. If this story is in anyway true, what in the world do you think Rob texts Kristen? Discuss below!

Then text stuff via your computer device on The Forum
Oh- and a letter to someone NEW over on LTT