Robert Pattinson, a big ‘Mo or not? I’m unconvinced

Brokeback got us good, don't it?

Dear Rob,

The gossip interwebs have been buzzing lately with news that Tom Sturridge totally didn’t outted you as gay. If this were true I’d probably throw a party, run a victory lap around the neighborhood and laugh at myself and UC for writing this blog for the last year and a half. But as it stands I remain unconvinced either way. There are days I just want you to be gay and end all of our misery, make the Robsteners and the Nonstens feel ridiculous and give me back half my week. But then there are days like after a photoshoot comes out or when I watch certain scenes from Remember Me I really hope you’re giving it good to me a nice lady (yea, I said that). So to help convince me either way I decided to make a list of the indicators… and of course I hit up some of my best gays and my straights to help me figure this out…

Gay as a Christmas Tree	Straight as a board
Nominated for countless best dressed awards	Dresses like a homeless man
Shops for underwear with male BFF	Buys cheap underwear at Marks & Spencer
Details – Posed with nude models for artistic photoshoot. Touched models with one finger	Details – Jokes he is “allergic to vagina”
Kristen Stewart – Shows zero affection towards her and their odd at best relationship. Contrived PR cover ups and spin regarding their relationship	Kristen Stewart – Their relationship and the contrived PR cover ups and spin regarding their relationship
His hair – just too awesomely styled to be the work of a straight man	His hair – What gay men would forgo washing hair for days on end?
The Brit Pack – too many good looking/talented boys hanging out together, borrowing each others clothes	The Brit Pack – Bros before hos
Refers to dressing up as “Claudia” as a kid with such fondness	Wears his Dad’s hand-me-down’s
Able to sew together a shirt like a Project Runway contestant	Penchant for cheap beer and microwaved meals
Sharing clothes with Kellan and/or Kristen	Loses car in Los Angeles and has no idea where it was. Actually driving that beater
Runs like a wounded duck	Steals clothes from set wardrobe
Plays a womanizing French socialite, a Circus veterinarian, a sparkling vampire, a golden boy wizard, a bumbling nerd who buys girls pregnancy tests	Plays a womanzing ladies man, a brooding college tough guy who gets into fist fights, a vampire that kicks ass and takes names

Wait, you think I'm what?

So wait, now I’m just confused. How can your life be one big gay/straight double standard. Don’t get me wrong, you’re definitely not a big ol queen but you’re also not Captain of the Football team with a power saw in your garage.  Just when I’m thinking you’re one or the other it could swing either way! I even asked one of my gays what makes him think Rob ISN’T gay (cause they love to claim the cuties) other than Rob dresses awful and he said: “there is no other reason which means he’s a big ‘Mo. And besides he makes my gaydar go off and that’s never wrong!” NO! So I turned to one of my straight dude friends and asked him for reasons why Rob is straight and not gay and he said “No closeted gay man makes jokes about being allergic to vagina, but the hair, the movies, Kristen, he’s gay dawg!” WHAT?!

Rob, how does this work? I’m I even less convinced either way now that I’d made this list, consulted “experts” and devoted 10 minutes to thinking about this? Just don’t let us wonder for 10 years until one day you adopt a couple of twins that Kristen surrogate mothered for you and then come out with a People Magazine cover. Just say NO to livin’ la vida loca.

There’s really only one way you could convince me either way…….. sign on for Brokeback Mountain 2, Tom Stu I love you

I wish I knew how to quit you!
Themoonisdown

PS While I was writing you this letter, Brokeback Mountain was playing in the background. I cannot make these things up.

So what do you think? Besides that Gossip piece being of full of crap? What did I miss, any indicators? Would Rob help you hem your pants or would he buy tickets to the football game? Obviously it doesn’t matter either way but it’s fun to speculate!

Big thanks to Phil, The Font, Too_Far_Gone, Brian, and some anonymous folks!

*This is in NO way meant to out or closet Rob. It’s all meant for fun. We love him whether he loves lady parts or dude parts*

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