*Because of a major computer and life fail last night my original post has been postponed for a day. Please to enjoy a letter from our Russian reader Abby! XO-Moon*
I live in Russia. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s that really big country about 2500 km east of England. It’s in Europe (partly), so you might be familiar. Here in Moscow we speak mostly Russian, but many people also speak English. (Sorry, no Mumblish though.) There are a few English-language newspapers, which I enjoy reading from time to time. Today I was reading one, and I saw this in a listing for films being shown in English cinema:
Did you know that in Russia, everyone thinks your name is “Richard Pattinson”?
I know that there are certain stereotypes about Russia. I’ve heard them all: Russians are Communists, they only drink vodka and eat potatoes, there are bears which roam freely about Red Square. One stereotype which I’ve noticed that seems to be true is that Russia is a bit behind the times. Women often dress as if they’re taking fashion tips from Molly Ringwald circa 1985. The most popular type of mobile phone is Nokia. Every man drives a Saab Old Pepe. HALE, we haven’t even discovered the Hot Pocket yet! But here’s the shocker: it seems that Russia is SO behind the times, that not only have they got your name wrong, but they may have, in fact, mistaken you for Dick. I hope this is not true, since you are young and hot, and he is not. However, you did look a bit like my grandfather in New Moon, so I can perhaps understand why they might think you were an almost-elderly, retired car salesman. Actually not really… which is why you need to come (that’s what she said) to Moscow.
Now, I know that you relish the fact that some people don’t know who you are, that you can go out in public without worrying about being mobbed by screamers, BUT. I really think you need to rectify this situation we have here in Moscow. I think you should consider making a visit here, you know, to correct this mistake. Russia may be a bit scary, but don’t worry. I am fluent in Russian and English, so I can act as translator. I also know where to buy Heineken, and I’m sure we can find some kind of Hot Pocket substitute in one of the many street pastry vendors. I am not a smoker, but cigarettes are hella cheap here. There are also many dumpsters here, so I think you’ll feel right at home. I can, um, show you how Russians dispose of their trash, and if we happen to engage in other activity at that time, due to the fact that you simply can’t resist my sexy accent, I won’t complain. If you come in winter, don’t worry about being cold. I will warm you in bed with my naked body and then lick hot tea off your happy trail while whispering erotic Russian poetry in your ear show you where you can purchase a fur coat. My girly bits Your fans in Moscow need you, Rob. I trust you’ll make the right decision. Don’t disappoint me us. Until then, do svidanya.
P.S. If you decide not to come (twss), can you at least do your own dubbing? Some random named Aleksei simply can’t do justice to your smooth, beautiful, fuck-me-now voice. I can help you with your pronunciation… and other things which involve gymnastics of the tongue.
What other Russian things is Rob missing out on? Do you want him to come to your home country? Why? Send us a letter!
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