Warning: Major Spoilage ahead
This weekend I got to see you in a non-Twilight movie with a budget over a couple hundred K (not counting Harry Potter) for the first time. It was glorious to see you play someone new. As I thought what I wanted to write today, I had a lot of different ideas. Do I get Roblosophical and discuss the high points and the low points? Do I gush about your performance & leave little criticism because “that’s what a fan would do?” Or do I do something different altogether? I opted for the “Different” idea- not that a critical, honest review isn’t coming- it is.
As I’ve mentioned 1 million times before, I have recently become obsessed with Gossip Girl. Every Tuesday, the day after a new episode airs, The Ny Mag does a Gossip Girl recap & includes a reality index- rating the reality of the episode versus the fake stuff. I enlisted my best Gossip Girl pal (Too_Far_Gone) to help me come up with a Reality Index for Remember Me
More Real than the moans heard across Regal cinemas during the morning sex scene:
The guys live in a complete sh*thole. Very realistic based on my experience with college guys, and NYC in general. Plus 5.
- Tyler fell just trying to climb through the window. Plus 2 because Rob is clumsy as f*ck.
- Plus 9 for the creation of “The SLUT” cause I know a couple people whose lives would have been much less embarrassing had that really existed
- “Name the last time you had 1 drink.” “Communion!” Plus 3 for the funny roommate (plus another 1 for Aidan’s haircut, the early 00’s Jew-fro.)
- “Chicks love this freaky, poetic crap.” Plus 10, because… it’s so freaking true.
- Are those 6th graders crushing on Tyler? Dude, even they know what’s up. Plus 6.
- Plus 4 for Aidan banging an Eskimo. That shizz right there rules
- “Going to Queens! I don’t want to hear it!” PLUS 10 for anticipation of angry cabbie behavior.
- Ally’s black bra under a white tank top. She was totally asking for it. Plus 6.
- Plus 3 for Tyler’s inability to wash dishes. Typical college boy.
- There was DUCT TAPE in the shower. PLUS 20 for realistic depiction of the college attitude “if you can’t duct it, f*ck it.”
- Tyler takes his shirt off and we get to see the moles on Rob’s back. (No points, although I did almost pass out.)
- Plus 3 for Ally’s barf seen. If it wasn’t the alcohol that did her in, taking one look at that toilet and kneeling on the sticky floor should’ve done it.
- Tyler dresses almost entirely in plaid and cargo shorts. Plus 5 for his early 2000’s Gap rejects.
- Plus 15 For the Sigor Ros song playing during the first sex scene. NO EFFING WAY. SO hot. (but Minus 5 because the album came out in 2005.) Net Plus 10
- Plus 5 for Ally’s choice of pajamas. That girl is a woman after my own heart.
- Half-asleep sex. It’s glorious. Plus 1 million Okay just Plus 15.
- College boys never understand what a girl needs. Ally had to crane her neck and move it around for a good 2 minutes before Tyler realized she was begging to be kissed there. Plus 10
- Name dropping the Oak Room, and it’s totally the place that Tyler’s dad would suggest. Plus 4.
- Plus 3 for Pierce in white pants and loafers. It’s so modern Miami Vice and exactly what a Wall Street lawyer would wear in his spare time.
- Plus 4 for Tyler getting so angry at his dad that his rips his baby sister’s hard work off the wall at the art gallery and storm out.( but Minus 4 that Caroline doesn’t run after him screaming to give her hard work back. So, a wash.)
- Plus 11 for NOT showing the actual big event. Once I knew what was happening I wanted to leave. It was the first thing I have seen about that time and apparently I’m not ready yet.
- Plus 10 because I cried.
Faker than a Brit, Irishman & Australian portraying New Yorkers:
Pierce’s accent, the mom’s accent, Ruby’s accent… all FAIL. Minus 3 because it was damn distracting.
- Minus 15 for the size of the boys NYC apartment. Not possible they could afford that. Well, not unless Tyler’s dad is paying for it. Which, come on Tyler- I know you hate him but the dude is rich. Take advantage. So if that’s the case, Plus 20
- Not even two girls from Miami would be wearing those atrocious Coyote-Ugly-reject cowboy hats and stripper vest combo in NYC. They would at least go for a backless black sparkly tank. Minus 2 each for the cowboy hats and 1 for the stripper vest.
- Irish thugs and their enemies do not do deals right in the middle of the alleyway between clubs like that with kids around. Minus 5 for dumb criminal portrayal.
- Minus 4 for it not being explained WHY the eff Tyler couldn’t just walk away from the fight. Did he really think fighting with a cop was going to do him any good?
- There is no way that Aidan would care that much about “getting back” at Ally’s dad… he would have moved onto something much more important… like banging somebody from Mongolia. Minus 8.
- Ally insists that she always eats dessert first, yet she weighs probably 110 soaking wet. Unless dinner is the only meal she eats all day, Minus 5.
I have yet to see a guy hold his maybe-f*ck-buddy’s hair back while she puked. Minus 10 for increasing college girls’ expectation of college boys and their inevitable disappointment.
- Minus 5 for 6th grade girls cutting off Caroline’s hair. Only your smelly cousin does that when you’re 7. They would have written her a hate note and signed it from Taylor Hanson.
- Caroline’s after-haircut bob looked exactly like Kate Gosslein’s first famous haircut. That shit didn’t get invented until 2008. Minus 7
- Minus 8 for getting a Brit and an Irish dude to play New Yorkers in a very sensative New York movie. Really? Come on.. really?
- Minus 25 for killing off Tyler. Couldn’t Aidan have been the one to die? No offense to his Jewfro…
- Minus 10 for sending Ally back to the subway stop after Tyler died. NO WAY anyone would go back on a subway after seeing your mother killed in front of you, especally not after your boyfriend dies
- Minus 17 for failing to include THIS from the original screenplay
INT. TYLER’S APARTMENT — LIVING ROOM — LATER
A JOINT burns in an ashtray. Aidan, shirtless, in a backwards
NY Giants hat and gym shorts, plays an intense game of MADDEN
FOOTBALL. Ally enters, she sets down her cell phone.
T’s at his mom’s store helping her hang stuff. He told me to tell you to give his hello kiss to me.
Ally smiles, gives him a kiss on the cheek.
I can’t believe you fell for that shit… I thought you were smarter than that.
Are you seriously smoking pot? What are you thirteen? Why don’t you grow up and do coke like an adult?
Aidan pauses his game. Turns to her, impressed.
That was actually funny. Like guy funny. And you’re a girl. A cute girl. How does that happen? Were you born a dude?
Maybe I was…
Ally picks up the joint tries to play it cool and take a
drag. She immediately begins a COUGHING FIT. Aidan laughs.
You’re a chick.
So…. all in all, Remember Me ends up with 30 points in the positive in reality vs. fantasy. Now this doesn’t take into account the fantasies of morning sex with Rob-ler that have been occurring in the minds of women across the globe since the movie’s release, nor does it take into account all the things Too_Far_Gone & I missed nor the great possibility that my math is completely off. However, I’m satisfied with the results!
Morning sex for the mother efffffinnngggg winnnnnnn,
Now it’s YOUR turn! In the comments, arbitrarily add points and subtract points for stuff in the movie. Need an example? Check out the comments on NY Mag’s Gossip Girl Recap. HAVE FUN! My real review of the movie will come later this week!