Posted by: Bekah | March 15, 2010

Remember Me: Real or Fake?

Real: Ovaries exploding all over the universe

Warning: Major Spoilage ahead

Dear Rob,

This weekend I got to see you in a non-Twilight movie with a budget over a couple hundred K (not counting Harry Potter) for the first time. It was glorious to see you play someone new.  As I thought what I wanted to write today, I had a lot of different ideas. Do I get Roblosophical and discuss the high points and the low points? Do I gush about your performance & leave little criticism because “that’s what a fan would do?” Or do I do something different altogether? I opted for the “Different” idea- not that a critical, honest review isn’t coming- it is.

As I’ve mentioned 1 million times before, I have recently become obsessed with Gossip Girl. Every Tuesday, the day after a new episode airs, The Ny Mag does a Gossip Girl recap & includes a reality index- rating the reality of the episode versus the fake stuff. I enlisted my best Gossip Girl pal (Too_Far_Gone) to help me come up with a Reality Index for Remember Me

More Real than the moans heard across Regal cinemas during the morning sex scene:

  • Real: Morning sex for the mother effing WIN

    The guys live in a complete sh*thole. Very realistic based on my experience with college guys, and NYC in general. Plus 5.

  • Tyler fell just trying to climb through the window. Plus 2 because Rob is clumsy as f*ck.
  • Plus 9 for the creation of “The SLUT” cause I know a couple people whose lives would have been much less embarrassing had that really existed
  • “Name the last time you had 1 drink.” “Communion!” Plus 3 for the funny roommate (plus another 1 for Aidan’s haircut, the early 00’s Jew-fro.)
  • “Chicks love this freaky, poetic crap.” Plus 10, because… it’s so freaking true.
  • Are those 6th graders crushing on Tyler? Dude, even they know what’s up. Plus 6.
  • Plus 4 for Aidan banging an Eskimo. That shizz right there rules
  • “Going to Queens! I don’t want to hear it!” PLUS 10 for anticipation of angry cabbie behavior.
  • Ally’s black bra under a white tank top. She was totally asking for it. Plus 6.
  • Plus 3 for Tyler’s inability to wash dishes. Typical college boy.
  • There was DUCT TAPE in the shower. PLUS 20 for realistic depiction of the college attitude “if you can’t duct it, f*ck it.”
  • Tyler takes his shirt off and we get to see the moles on Rob’s back. (No points, although I did almost pass out.)
  • Plus 3 for Ally’s barf seen. If it wasn’t the alcohol that did her in, taking one look at that toilet and kneeling on the sticky floor should’ve done it.
  • Tyler dresses almost entirely in plaid and cargo shorts. Plus 5 for his early 2000’s Gap rejects.
  • Plus 15 For the Sigor Ros song playing during the first sex scene. NO EFFING WAY. SO hot. (but Minus 5 because the album came out in 2005.) Net Plus 10
  • Plus 5 for Ally’s choice of pajamas. That girl is a woman after my own heart.
  • Half-asleep sex. It’s glorious. Plus 1 million Okay just Plus 15.
  • College boys never understand what a girl needs. Ally had to crane her neck and move it around for a good 2 minutes before Tyler realized she was begging to be kissed there. Plus 10
  • Name dropping the Oak Room, and it’s totally the place that Tyler’s dad would suggest. Plus 4.
  • Plus 3 for Pierce in white pants and loafers. It’s so modern Miami Vice and exactly what a Wall Street lawyer would wear in his spare time.
  • Plus 4 for Tyler getting so angry at his dad that his rips his baby sister’s hard work off the wall at the art gallery and storm out.( but Minus 4 that Caroline doesn’t run after him screaming to give her hard work back. So, a wash.)
  • Plus 11 for NOT showing the actual big event. Once I knew what was happening I wanted to leave. It was the first thing I have seen about that time and apparently I’m not ready yet.
  • Plus 10 because I cried.

Total: 155

Faker than a Brit, Irishman & Australian portraying New Yorkers:

  • Fake: College boys don't own blenders. They go to smoothie king

    Pierce’s accent, the mom’s accent, Ruby’s accent… all FAIL. Minus 3 because it was damn distracting.

  • Minus 15 for the size of the boys NYC apartment. Not possible they could afford that. Well, not unless Tyler’s dad is paying for it. Which, come on Tyler- I know you hate him but the dude is rich. Take advantage. So if that’s the case, Plus 20
  • Not even two girls from Miami would be wearing those atrocious Coyote-Ugly-reject cowboy hats and stripper vest combo in NYC. They would at least go for a backless black sparkly tank. Minus 2 each for the cowboy hats and 1 for the stripper vest.
  • Irish thugs and their enemies do not do deals right in the middle of the alleyway between clubs like that with kids around. Minus 5 for dumb criminal portrayal.
  • Minus 4 for it not being explained WHY the eff Tyler couldn’t just walk away from the fight. Did he really think fighting with a cop was going to do him any good?
  • There is no way that Aidan would care that much about “getting back” at Ally’s dad… he would have moved onto something much more important… like banging somebody from Mongolia. Minus 8.
  • Ally insists that she always eats dessert first, yet she weighs probably 110 soaking wet. Unless dinner is the only meal she eats all day, Minus 5.
  • Fake: Angry 22 year olds don't show up to Family picture day

    I have yet to see a guy hold his maybe-f*ck-buddy’s hair back while she puked. Minus 10 for increasing college girls’ expectation of college boys and their inevitable disappointment.

  • Minus 5 for 6th grade girls cutting off Caroline’s hair. Only your smelly cousin does that when you’re 7. They would have written her a hate note and signed it from Taylor Hanson.
  • Caroline’s after-haircut bob looked exactly like Kate Gosslein’s first famous haircut. That shit didn’t get invented until 2008. Minus 7
  • Minus 8 for getting a Brit and an Irish dude to play New Yorkers in a very sensative New York movie. Really? Come on.. really?
  • Minus 25 for killing off Tyler. Couldn’t Aidan have been the one to die? No offense to his Jewfro…
  • Minus 10 for sending Ally back to the subway stop after Tyler died. NO WAY anyone would go back on a subway after seeing your mother killed in front of you, especally not after your boyfriend dies
  • Minus 17 for failing to include THIS from the original screenplay

INT. TYLER’S APARTMENT — LIVING ROOM — LATER

A JOINT burns in an ashtray. Aidan, shirtless, in a backwards
NY Giants hat and gym shorts, plays an intense game of MADDEN
FOOTBALL. Ally enters, she sets down her cell phone.

AIDAN

T’s at his mom’s store helping her hang stuff. He told me to tell you to give his hello kiss to me.

Ally smiles, gives him a kiss on the cheek.

AIDAN

I can’t believe you fell for that shit… I thought you were smarter than that.

ALLY

Are you seriously smoking pot? What are you thirteen? Why don’t you grow up and do coke like an adult?

Aidan pauses his game. Turns to her, impressed.

AIDAN

That was actually funny. Like guy funny. And you’re a girl. A cute girl. How does that happen? Were you born a dude?

ALLY

Maybe I was…

Ally picks up the joint tries to play it cool and take a
drag. She immediately begins a COUGHING FIT. Aidan laughs.

AIDAN

You’re a chick.

Total: 125

So…. all in all, Remember Me ends up with 30 points in the positive in reality vs. fantasy. Now this doesn’t take into account the fantasies of morning sex with Rob-ler that have been occurring in the minds of women across the globe since the movie’s release, nor does it take into account all the things Too_Far_Gone & I missed nor the  great possibility that my math is completely off. However, I’m satisfied with the results!

Morning sex for the mother efffffinnngggg winnnnnnn,
UnintendedChoice

Now it’s YOUR turn! In the comments, arbitrarily add points and subtract points for stuff in the movie. Need an example? Check out the comments on NY Mag’s Gossip Girl Recap. HAVE FUN! My real review of the movie will come later this week!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter


Responses

  1. Hey all,

    Love reading all the comments here for RM. I absolutely could not WAIT for this movie–took Friday off from work specifically to see it on opening day (went alone), and I went again with a friend on Saturday. I’m planning on going back again tomorrow to see it for the 3rd time. I read a review the other day that said “if you’re a fan of Robert Pattinson, this movie is 2 hours of heaven.” Soooo true. It’s like getting a fix of a drug….I could watch him sit on that fire escape with his cigarette and beer all day and be perfectly happy. 😉

    I had a few vague ideas about it going into it, but purposely stayed away from any early reviews and spoilerish articles. I had a nagging feeling that it had something to do with 9/11, and I knew that someone was probably going to die, but did not realize that it would be Tyler until I saw him walking through the plaza talking to his dad on the phone–and the following scene with him going up in the elevator (the floors going up past 90 were the big clue for me there)–I think I actually said “Oh. My. God.” (yes, out loud). It was crushing, to see how his world was starting to right itself, his family starting to come together, and then to have this happen. I probably cried for the entire last 10 minutes of the movie. I haven’t seen a movie that has moved me like this in a LONG time.

    Is it also “normal” that I was extremely touched (yeah, TWSS) by the “morning-after” sex scene? Very surprised at myself, but something about it (the music? the cinematography? the fact that I could feel an honest connection between them?) was so extraordinarily beautiful and both times I found myself in tears afterward. Of course, it was…ahem…HOT, too (um, hello Rob’s bare back/shoulders and the JAW PORN was to die for). But the whole scene of him putting the note on the bed next to her was just so….sweet. Just got to me!

    Simply put, loved it. Critics be damned. Love Rob more than ever now, and I’m so glad he did this.

  2. This was a great post! I haven’t been able to visit you guys as much as I used to…FAIL. Glad I got to read today! Loved it! And agreed with most of it!

    Thank you for writing!

  3. I really loved the movie. Rob likened it to ‘Ordinary People’, a slice of lfe movie. this movie is more real. ( and good knows after reading so much FF i need a dose of that!)

    I’m not from the U.S. but i also cried my eys out and it left me speachless at the end of the movie. so i didn’t find it emotionally cheap as some critics are saying altho i think they could have left the shot of the journal out. However i’m not willing to comment on that further; not being a native ot the U.S.

    I of course like you gals loved all the Roblyer..very awseome and gorgous and those sex scenes- we all agree VERY HAWT! and the noises..and and …ohh..*fans self*

    so remeber gals this is an indie movie that just happens to hav our super star Rob in it and form reports would have only been expected to make a coupla mill..i hear so far its over $8m..so i think they are doing well. and i also think like kstew said this is BOLD..so well done for Rob as it can’t be easy knowing everyone is out there waiting for ‘that twilight guy’ to make things happen! If he continues to make wise choises on good character pieces (which he said he prefers) i think we’ll be lucky enough to have us YEARS of HHH on the big screen!

    yeah!

  4. Pattinson also said he’s proud of the movie’s message, and how the ending makes the audience think.

    “I don’t want to make something just for entertainment value,” he joked. “I don’t find myself very entertaining.”

    …sillyRob! He’s obviously not seen all the wonky pics 🙂

  5. Source OnTheRedCarpet:
    Pattinson also said he’s proud of the movie’s message, and how the ending makes the audience think.

    “I don’t want to make something just for entertainment value,” he joked. “I don’t find myself very entertaining.”

    …LOL! That’s a tough segue, cuz all I could think was: SillyRob…I find you quite entertaining! Haven’t you seen your adorkable pics??

    • Midnite double commenting = FAIL
      Sorry!

  6. *cries* I can’t even look at the poster anymore. I just… *chokes*

    it’s too much.

    but on a serious note: WHAT A WAY TO PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE, HUH?! All those people disappearing on 911. Not to ever be seen or heard of again. oh lord have mercy. That hurt. A lot.

    ps. I now know why Rob chose this role. It’s a dying hero. A sad story where the protagonist passes. A very infrequent emotional character with deep layers. A very, not so perfect character yet Tyler wants more than ordinary day to day life.

    I appreciate Rob more and respect him. Bravo.

    • the accents soooo distracted me too. -20

      but mostly I was just staring at Roob (and his moles) and not really knowing what he was saying.

      • yes, Roob.

        I love Roob. yey! \o/


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