Posted by: Bekah | September 2, 2009

Why Rob is Never Depressed

Rob is never depressed because he often has good times behind dumpsters

Rob is never depressed because he often has good times behind dumpsters

Dear Rob,

The latest e-mail forward going around my group of friends is called Why men are never depressed… It lists things like: Men can be President. They can never be pregnant. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. The world is their urinal. Same work, more pay. People never stare at their chest when they’re having a conversation. They know stuff about tanks. They can open all their own jars. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Their underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Since I’ve recently picked up the hobby of turning every e-mail forward I receive into a post about you (just wait until you see the post I’m doing about the e-mail FWD where the ghost scares the crap out of you by jumping onto your screen. Bet you’ll never guess who’s mullet I photo-shopped onto your head!), with the help of some friends, I’ve come up with a list of reasons why you’re not depressed.

Why Rob is Never Depressed

Carter:

  • Rob is never depressed because he never has to pay more than 99 cents for a new shirt.
  • Rob is never depressed because he gets sexual propositions everywhere he goes.
  • Rob is never depressed because the most expensive food group he consumes is beer.
  • Rob is never depressed because if he’s having a bad day, all he needs is a microwave and some carrots.
  • Rob is never depressed because when he’s having a bad day, he knows there’s lots of delightful stories online starring him as a main character.

Brooke: Yes, he probably also thought I Love LA (the fan fic) chronicles something that happened when he blacked out, but Rob isn’t depressed about it cause apparently he gave some good lovin’.

Rob is never depressed because Sad Rob sold a lot of magazines and GQ gave him free Jen Aniston naked pic outtakes as a gift

Rob is never depressed because "Sad Rob" sold a lot of magazines and GQ gave him free Jen Aniston naked pic outtakes as a gift

Kristin:

  • Rob is never depressed because he realized that he is able to warm up his chewy chocolate granola bar in the microwave as long as he removes the wrapper first.
  • Rob is never depressed because when you have one leg shorter than the other walking is a fun and interesting challenge!
  • Rob is never depressed because once he endorsed Hot Pockets in an interview, they gave him a huge stack of $3.00 off coupons, thus receiving free hot pockets for the rest of his life.
  • Rob is never depressed because everything matches with flannel.
  • Rob is never depressed because his entire wardrobe fits in a duffel bag.
  • Rob is never depressed because he and all of his friends have amazing musical abilities (minus the 100 Monkeys).
  • Rob is never depressed because when he runs out of cigarettes he knows that Kristen has weed.

Carter:

  • Rob is never depressed because he knows that Sam, Marcus, and Bobby will do his flirting for him.
  • Rob is never depressed because he knows he can make a delicious pot of beans.
  • Rob is never depressed because he doesn’t have to wear Kristen’s wig.
  • Rob is never depressed because he knows that if he’s feeling a bit pudgy, he can just have a makeup artist paint some abs on him.
  • Rob is never depressed because he made Nick write it into his contract that he would never have to work with Cougar Cathy ever again.

UC:

  • Rob is never depressed because there is a website dedicated to writing letters to him daily
  • Rob is never depressed because said letter writers are hot as hell
  • Rob is never depressed because if it doesn’t work out with Stewey he can always fall back on NReed. She isn’t that bad too look at and while the Greek Shipping heir gave her some nasty diseases ‘down there,’ the skills he taught her (which he learned from The Hotel chain heir) make it all worth it.

Brooke:

  • Rob is never depressed cause he has a feeling that a mind-blowing experience is coming his way. (which is obviously me, cause I’ll be in VanCity on 9/9)

Why Rob IS Depressed

Rob is never depressed because hes usually too drunk to know the difference between happy & sad

Rob is never depressed because he's usually too drunk to know the difference between happy & sad

UC:

  • Rob IS depressed because apparently Oregano has been seen in VanCity with KStew

Carter:

  • Rob isn’t going to be depressed much longer because he’s totally going to hit that and plan for Oregano to walk in during the throes… (KStew will be doing the work, of course.)

Kristin:

  • Rob is not depressed because Oregano is only staying for a few days. He can bang her like a screen door in a hurricane as soon as that sad sack is back on a plane.

Moon:

  • Rob is never depressed because now that Oregano is back in town he doesn’t have to listen to KStew yammering on about girl shit and no longer has to cuddle after sex- Oregano’s there to do all the ‘boring stuff’

Calliope:

  • Rob is not depressed because Oregano is in VanCity applying for a greater position for the 2010 winter Olympics. This, obviously, was his second choice, as he didn’t pass the 5’8″ height minimum for his preferred position of Olympic mascot.

WestFriend:

  • Rob IS depressed because he wishes he was my husband last night.

EastFriend:

  • Rob is never depressed because he IS. He IS Rob. End of Story. He’s no fool…His life RULES!

And Rob, if the list above isn’t enough to remind you of how good you really have it, remember the most important positive aspect of your life:

Rob is never depressed because he can do The Tuck. And girls still love him, despite it.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Carter, Kristin, Brookey, Calliope, WestFriend, Moon & EastFriend. Oh & to Tex who originally sent me the e-mail fwd, having no idea how I’d butcher it!

Bitch about getting paid less than Rob on The Forum
Why is Moon so amazing? Help me figure it out by reading her LTT post

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Responses

  1. “…He can bang her like a screen door in a hurricane as soon as that sad sack is back on a plane.”

    BWAHAHAHA!!!! That just made my morning. I love sitting behind my desk at work, laughing like an idiot and having people stare at me like I’m a big weirdo.

    However, the reminder of “THE TUCK”, quickly sobered me up. *shiver* (and not the good kind) 🙂

    • Yea I cant totally relate…sometimes I laugh out loud like a moron while reading LTR/LTT and my students look at me like i’ve lost my mind!!
      P.S.
      Wish he would bang me like a screen door in a hurricane…just sayin’ ;)…but since he ain’t he’s just pounding spam! LOL

      • I’m a teacher too!! And my kids have the tendency to look at me like I’ve lost my mind when they come into the classroom in the morning and see their teacher laughing like an idiot at the computer screen. 🙂

        And yes!! I completely agree. SPAM. ‘Nuff said. 😉

        • See that’s why you and I are like this *points 2 fingers from my eyes to yours* Bwahahaha!!! I wonder what our principals would say if they knew of our LTR/LTT secret?!?! *shudder* 😉

          • Something tells me that she wouldn’t understand all things Robish (especially The Tuck) 😉 I just can’t see my principal hearting LTR and LTT like us. What can I say?…. She just isn’t NORMAL like the rest of us! 😉

    • Yeah, I just did the same. I always get The Stare from people when I’m giggling at LTR/LTT.

    • Screen door in a hurricane? You know what? That’s just effing HILARIOUS!

      Rob is never depressed because all his favorite things in life are cheap, heineken, cigarettes, and KStew.

      http://www.aquiredtaste.wordpress.com

      • Rob is never depressed because all his favorite things in life are cheap, heineken, cigarettes, and KStew. = WIN

        • Good one!

        • Well, Rob can always upgrade to: Molson Golden Canadian beer
          Candian cigarettes
          and ME…….. just sayin’
          Oh, how I wish. LOL

      • You would know about cheap, right?

    • Lmao – the tuck reminder actually made me LOL. Because we do still love him despite that! I think Rob would really have to eff things up for us to stop loving him…….murder….rape – we would never believe b/c no woman would refuse his hot ass.

  2. OMG I was effing rolling when I read through these!!! LMAO 😀 I can tell you one more reason why Rob is not depressed…Rob isn’t depressed because I got taught how to do the ol’ “reach-around-behind-a-dumpster” and he knows he doesn’t even have to ask to get it!! 😉 Great post as always!!! Happy Humpday! 🙂

  3. LMAO: Rob is never depressed because he’s usually too drunk to know the difference between happy & sad
    HAHAHAHAHAh Loved the post

  4. Rob is never depressed because he can say the dumbest stuff (“Ahem… hmmm… I’ve got a little popcorn coming out of my pants”) and girls will still love him.

    • FACT: He could wipe his ass on his socks and women would still love him.

      • Not sure about everyone else…but I am POSITIVE that would make him a disgusting hobo that I won’t even give $5 for a 40oz to.

        • You’re right, that’s pretty gross. Sorry…just watched Trainspotting and I’m still in that mindset! *shudder*

  5. I so wish I had something witty to say right now… but y’all have it totally covered! This was HI-larious!

    What a shitty day for my witty to be broken. I’m sure I’ll have something wicked related to this tomorrow….

    oink

  6. Rob is never depressed because he has mirrors readily available to him, and come on … that is one hell of a gorgeous face.

    • Yes, it hurts to look at it.

  7. Rob is not depressed because although Kstew may be gettin’ some on the side from Oregano, Rob is gettin’ some on the side from Hugh Jackman!

    • Hughbert lives!!!

  8. Rob IS depressed.

    Because he can never marry, stalk, hug or dry hump himself.

    In that respect I’d say being Rob pretty much sucks. Big time.

    • Yeah, but there’s always Wankbert!! And the inside of his elbow.

      • WANKBERT!, HughBert, etc. etc.
        LMAO

        ❤ WIN!

        (you all have to start registering this stuff at http://www.UrbanDictionary.com for posterity at least) Its too good not to remember.

  9. Rob is never depressed because he can wear his friend’s sweaty shirt, misbutton it, chain smoke, not wash his hair, have a nerdy laugh, wear the same tshirt for 38 years, and say the most awkward and random things and women will still find it adorable.

    • AMEN, sistah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Um…”Olympic Mascot?” Calliope WINS!
    As does WestFriend’s husband.

    Awesomeness, y’all!

    p.s. 10 points to the first person who starts singing Aaron Jeoffrey’s “He Is…”

    • i’m so confused…. who is lula34? and where is leigh anne?!

      • I don’t know…but Lula is a really cute name. And 34 is my favorite number. She must be a swell girl.

        Plus, she referenced CCM. She wins. (Is Rob the prize?)

        • no rob’s busy with k & oregano. but we have some other dude.. plays a vamp called eric…..?

          • Oooh, I’m totally on board with Alex Skarsgard! (He’s closer to my age anyway!)

          • Skarsgard IS a hunk a hunk o’ burning love – to quote Elvis.

            I have this really awesome vid I pulled off of u tube of him showering.. and you can almost see the peen.

            (I’m breaking out in a cold sweat here).

  11. If Rob Fucking Pattinson is depressed over ANYTHING in his life (besides not being Westfriends husband) I am personally going to VanCity to kick his ungrateful ass!

    That’s all.

  12. “Rob is never depressed because he knows that if he’s feeling a bit pudgy, he can just have a makeup artist paint some abs on him”

    And I’m the perfect candidate for *that* job….just a little lower Sir Patz…yes, your abs do go that far down, really they do, now just hold tight there and let me spray 🙂

    x

    • LOL!! You totally made me snort with this….
      “And I’m the perfect candidate for *that* job….just a little lower Sir Patz…yes, your abs do go that far down, really they do, now just hold tight there and let me spray”

      You just made my day! 😉

      Awesome post as well!!

      • aaaghh thanks Katie….I really am the perfect candidate…..I can even do waxings if necessary 🙂

  13. OMG, laughing out loud in very quiet law firm this a.m. Love, love, love it. Yeah, I hope R is never too depressed – that would make me sad and I’d feel the need to rush to and comfort him, of course.

    Sidenote: first making-out-with-Rob dream last night – WHOA. Did not want to wake up!! How can I program that one for tonight as well?? We were both wearing glasses so getting in close was difficult but we kept trying! Do you suppose the glasses represent my husband? Eeeeeek! Me thinks maybe….

  14. Also, Rob is never depressed because he is the main ingredient in the new “anti-depressant” on the market called Robert Pattinson. 🙂

    • I love your icon. That is all.

      • Thanks! I had to do a 1920’s look….long story, but that is how it turned out and I lurved it….thus was birthed my avatar! 😉 I think Robbie would like it too….wink.

  15. Rob depressed??? How could that be possible?
    I’m with Sassy on this one. Talk about having the world at your feet…NO POUTING! If he’s lucky, he’ll have a long run, plus be able to persue his music.

    I love ya Rob baby, but the minute you start whining like KStew about your life, I’m delivering a swift, hard slap to that gorgeous mug…cus, come on! Then of course you’ll slap me back, like in an old italian movie…and then we will grab each other to begin passionately kissing…wait.
    What was the question?

    • pursue…better.

    • As much as I have to agree with you… I do love me a little Rob-pout. GQ Sad-Rob is my go-to picture to make me swoon instantaneously. Yum.

      But… the second it’s real and not for a photoshoot, then I’ll be right there with you in the midst of this saucy little slapfest you’ve got going. Rahr.

      • I’m all about the Happy Rob…go check out the 18 seconds of heaven clip from the Oscars…most recently referenced in the Fan Friday Letter to Rob.

        #Fact I swooned so hard that I actually shed a tear.

    • Is it a sad occurance that I was totally following your train of thought?

      Pros – “I hate you!”
      Rob – “I hate you!”
      Pros – *Slap*
      Rob – “Let’s find a dumpster!”

    • I am literally sitting at work, crying from laughing so effing hard. ” Then of course you’ll slap me back, like in an old italian movie…and then we will grab each other to begin passionately kissing… ” How is it that even when we picture SLAPPING him, it turns into something, *ahem*, explicit?? Oh wait. Cause it’s Rob.

      Side note…I was walking through the mall the other day with the hubbs and he saw a poster of Rob and said, “Hey. There’s your boy friend.” I’m glad that he has accepted this fact. Because it’s the truth. 😉

      • #thingsmyhusbandsaysaboutRob

      • It never fails to amaze me how many husbands and boyfriends out there call Rob their woman’s “boyfriend”….mine included. Maybe that’s why Rob’s never depressed. That kind of reverence must boost your ego something mad!

        • Mine calls Rob my “buddy”. Guess he’s still in denial.

          • LOL-He’ll eventually realize that Rob is much, much more than a “buddy”…at least in our own mind! 😉

          • That’s funny, I call my vibrator Buddy…..um, I mean….what?…who said that…..who……what……uh, I gotta go.

          • “That’s funny, I call my vibrator Buddy…..um, I mean….what?…who said that…..who……what……uh, I gotta go.”

            OMGOMGOMGOMG….I am laughing so hard right now I’m afraid I’m going to pee myself!!!!

            Alright then. Buddy it is. 😀

          • Yeah my hubby calls Rob my boyfriend or my boy toy. The 2nd one makes me sound old and dirty and I hate it. I’m older than Rob but not much ya know? Oh hubby also calls Rob “that punk!” Hubby is a lot older than me by the way. My mom’s friend gave me this advice. She said “oh honey you should have married a younger man.” I said why? Because you’ll still be beautiful and your husband will be older and won’t be able to keep up with you in bed? I was floored when she said that!!! OMG. My mom laughed when she heard.

            What do y’all think? Hahahah….maybe there’s some truth to this? LOL.

          • Southernbelle-Hmmm…something to ponder. Or, OR, I can somehow, someway sink my claws into a younger man *coughcoughRobert*. Young=more stamina. Me=let me teach him a thing or five. (and I’m not THAT much older than him, so my stamina can match). justsayin’ 🙂 And what your mom’s friend said is freaking awesome. 😀 You should take that advice and have it etched in something solid because it is total WIN.

            And Kathi, all I have to say is WORD. I can so deal with the eyeball roll whenever he mentions Rob. He doesn’t have to know HOW much I want to bang him…err, I mean, think he’s hott and all. 😉

          • “A Friend’s a friend, a Pal a pal, but buddies sleep together.”

            Maybe yours isn’t in denial after all, hahahah!

      • -They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. The world is their urinal.

        -They know stuff about tanks. They can open all their own jars.

        I just hit my head on my desk, laughing so hard!!! My husband has also come to the conclusion, that Rob is my boyfriend, and still finds it humorous.
        If he knew how often and when I was thinking about Rob, he may not be laughing, so just keep your head in the sand, honey….

        I also prefer Happy Rob over Sad Rob, although that GQ photo is so HOT!!

  16. Rob is never depressed because no matter how bad of a day it may have been, it’s never very hard to find a microwave.

    [love this post – brilliance abounds!]

  17. Rob is depressed because he had to bite Tyra:

    • oh and if you are depressed I have a shoulder for you to cry on, fak, you can “cry” on any part of my body….no worries.

  18. rob once referred to kristen’s boyfriend as a “really talented actor”… I wonder what he thinks now

    • Rob is not depressed because the guy who previously banged the girl he is currently banging* is a QUOTE/UNQUOTE really talented actor.

      * Waiting for press conference confirmation, but let’s leave it there for argument’s sake.

      • lol I think it was during his Apple in-store interview with Catherine that he said that. Like someone asked him if he was dating Kristen (and this was way back right before Twilight even hit theaters) and he said no, and that she had a boyfriend and he was actually “a really talented actor named Michael Angarano”

        • always a gentleman… My gosh. Is Rob not the most perfect man alive?!?!

  19. Rob is not depressed because he is not Marty the bananager!

    *Hey Moon and UC I saw a great “Twilight Weekly Spotlight” on the Reelz channel. You really must do a post on the new “Twilight inspired bands”. One guy wrote a song called “Jacob Black”! That stuff was fun – ny!

    • I totally agree about the Twilight Weekly Spotlight, that shit was awful. I was second-hand embarrassed for the 13 yr old girl band and that freakin 40 yr old man singing about Jacob – Creepy McCreeperson. And then I was first hand embarrassed that I had Tivo’d Twilight Weekly Spotlight.

      My theory why Rob is not depressed – because he knows that even though he has a gimpy foot, has destroyed his internal organs with a deadly combo of ciggies, hot pockets and coke and only had pecs for 2 days back in February of 2008, he could still take Oregano down to Chinatown any day of the week.

  20. oh god! the Tuck! Soft squishy Rob…sigh. I’d take him any way I could get him.

  21. BWAHAHAHA!! No way that boy is EVER depressed!

    And since I’m all about the Brit Pack now, you know Carter’s was my fave:

    “Rob is never depressed because he knows that Sam, Marcus, and Bobby will do his flirting for him.”

    So true. By hugging Sam, I was really hugging Rob by proxy. Suh-weet!

    Did you all see the tweet from Sam I got, cause it kinda fits perfect with this:

    http://robmyworld.com/2009/08/04/the-britpack-review/sams-tweet/

    Alright, switching back to my Rob love!!

    • That’s GENIUS! I’ve totally gotta get myself some Sam/Marcus/Bobby action and therefore proxy-Rob action! Does this work with KStew? Because I WILL go there if it does.

      • the plaid brigade a.k.a the brit pack is smokin’. I’ve recently acquired a crush on bobby, he does this lip bite that is totally swoon worthy and strangely enough he’s taken over rob’s spot on my crush list.

  22. Cathy the Cougar…inquiring minds want to know, did he hit that? NOW I’M depressed.

    Rob is not depressed because he’s got enough money to sport his mid-life crisis Porshe and he’s only 23.

  23. Rob is never depressed because he knows how to sew his own shirts and it’s aware that even though he smell a little “musky” (according to Rachelle), we would still do him anywhere, anytime.

    • He is also never depressed because he can cure Vaginal Dryness with the power of his stare. Bah! He could cure mine just by letting me watch him smoke or eat a Hot Pocket (naked of course)

  24. I just can’t understand how y’all keep doing it every day! Not every week, twice a month….no. You bring the funny EVERY.FECKING.DAY. (p.s., thanks Moon for “feck”)…oh, and on two websites no less.

    I, however, am all out of the funny today. Luckily, the ladies of the commentary are more than making up for whatever small chuckle I sometimes add to the discussion.

    I am, however, rolling around an idea in my head for what (I hope) will be an epic LTR.

    ❤ you all!!

    • “I am, however, rolling around an idea in my head for what (I hope) will be an epic LTR.”

      You’re gonna sing ‘we are the Rob’, in front of in-n-out burger wearing a mullet and RayBans, carrying Patty and holding hands with PPL, AmanDUH and TammyO? 😉

  25. Rob is never depressed b/c greasy hair beats fauxlez mullet & sloppy seconds on a Jacob Black wig anyday.

  26. Rob is not depressed because Oregano is only staying for a few days. He can bang her like a screen door in a hurricane as soon as that sad sack is back on a plane.

    amazeballs!

    rob isnt depressed bc he knows when his flannels/vodka shirts finally are worn out beyond repair.. he can always borrow dick’s trench coat and still look hot while dumpster diving!

  27. I can’t believe what I’m reading here. You cougers are sick. The guy is 23-years-old and is in a relationship with Kristen Stewart, so get over yourselves! Do you honestly think Rob would think it’s cool for you to be talking trash about his girlfriend? I’m sure some of you are old enough to have kids pretty close to Rob and Kristen’s ages, so would you want someone to talk about your kids this way? Do you honestly think that Rob would want to F@ck some of you? Dream on…..maybe you should invest in that new Edward sparkly vibrator! Better hurry and order before they sell out.

    • i’m approving this comment.. just cuz I’m in a bad mood & need to see how people respond to you to lighten up my mood! Welcome! and have fun!

      • Oh joy! Welcome to Hale robkris. Or are you really just TammyO in disguise? I’m thinking no, cause this is way too lame for “Breaking it down, TammyO style”
        We love us some haters on here, so kick back, fluff out your mullet and let’s get it on!

        • Annnnddddd……..I love you.

          • PEACE. LOVE. ROB.

      • I’m in a bad mood today, too! I hope yours improves after reading the girls’ responses to Robkris the Couger Hator. I know mine did. *evil laugh*

      • Another hater?? Yessssssss! I love it when they show up because you girls bring out allllll the funny.

        And now I need to go check out The Vamp…

    • Fo shizzle!!!!!????? A new Edward sparkly vibe?!! Where do I get one? WHat does it look like? What colour is it? How many settings are there????? Oh geez, I gotta go amazon dot com me one of those…..brb……

      • I have a link.

        • sorry. sold out. i bought them all

          • whoa gurl! what you be needin’ ALL THOSE VIBERS FOR?????? Hmmmm, me thinks a reserved, polite British Boy like Our Man couldn’t handle The Unintendedchoice. No worries, increases my odds. Oh yeah, that’s right, robkris, I said it. “I HAVE A DREAM”

          • hahahahahaha ❤ you

          • well that seems fair, cause we ❤ you back!

          • *shrugs* I’ll just have to make my own out of papier mache and glitter glue.

          • Well hook a sista up please! Don’t lit’rally c*ckblock the rest of us. I prefer one that hasn’t been used. I don’t want one that has lost some of it’s sparkle.

          • somehow I don’t think papier mache will do the job…….hm, maybe you and I should start a business together: Twilight Themed Adult Toys. NOW THERE’S THE MILLION DOLLAR IDEA I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!!

      • Oh punkin, it’s just a sparkly-darkly dildo… you have to provide your own vibe! But I am sure there are enough hawt-damn photos out there to cause an epileptic seizure–handy in these occasions.

        Thanks for approving the hater. Too many like minds makes for one majorly drama-free afternoon. 🙂

        • Where’s that damn DRAMA button when we need it, hahahaha.

      • Someone sent me the link…it not only sparkles, it retains chill.

        Of course, it is not without its controversy: Apparently, those would-be purchasers of the Vampsicle believe that Edward should be a monster in the bedroom as well…and larger than 6.75 in.

        Rob is never depressed because his peen could sparkle, be frigid and be itty bitty, and we ALL would still tap it.

        (I s2G, I have never in my whole life been as filthy-minded and foul-mouthed as I get when I am here. Totes awesome).

        • Zees, do you seriously think 6.75 in. is big?! That’s normal! Ha ha. I’m sooo checking this link! I know how it sounds, but c’mon! a peen that sparkles, vibrates and chills?! They had me already at peen.

          I forgot to tell you yesterday, I luv that I bring up the father/relationship/issues in you! LOVE. IT.

          I feel very dirty as soon as I enter this site *blush* I guess it brings up weird sh*t in me to.

          • “They had me already at peen.” —haha

            Dannygirl, I think we should be friends. Please tell me you’re on twitter (after all, all the cool kids are there)

            Let me clarify…I believe women (ha, almost wrote people, but let’s get real here) were upset, because in their minds, Edward, perfect being that he is, would clearly be sporting at least 9 inches.

            I am grasping at the straws of my dignity here, so I will refrain from furthering that discussion. But let me say this, if you know how to use it…ya don’t need 9 inches. Do you hear that Rob…don’t worry, baby…we can work with whatever you’re working with!

            Yep, pretty much hit rock bottom normal yesterday when I found myself discussing the existential crisis that would arise from banging PapaPattz. So, thanks for that. 😛

    • Is there a script they hand out to you guys? Because seriously: old? CougArs? Sparkly vibrators? We’ve been down this road. YOU BORE ME. Please give me something else to work with.

      • She works in the craft section of JoAnns…maybe she can get you the papier mache and glitter glue you need….ON DISCOUNT!!!

        Woot Woot…hook a sista up!!!

        ♥ U!

        • That’s who all the haters are, employees of JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts. After a hard day sorting puffy paints and pony beads, their aprons are in a bunch and they come here to vent. They need to channel their energies into making some Robsten capris or something.

          • I have not laughed this much or so hard in one day before!!!! OMG, srsly. Too f*cking funny!!

      • tiffanized, I heart you, I just do. You never bore me.

        …and nothing gets a hater’s point across like misspelling insults.

    • Kristen? Is that you?

      I particularily like the statement ‘is in a relationship with Kristen Stewart.’ How do you know this for sure and why haven’t you gone with your evidence to the tabloids?? That shizz can make you some money!

      Well, I’m 24 so I guess technically I’m a couger for being a year older than Rob?

      Having said that, I have to say I applaud your good spelling and grammar.

      Oh, I am totally getting one of those sparkly vibes as well.

    • Like I said before… If you don’t like it… why do you read the blog?????

    • Hi sweety! Didn’t you get the memo? “We are the Rob”
      xxoo

    • Dear Robkris,
      Yes, I am a cougar, you know being in my twenties. And I’m pretty sure if you crawled back into the hole from which you came, you’d receive no complaints here. Oh, and your name is so original, I bet its embroidered into your Robsten pillow that you kiss every night before going to bed.

      PS. Don’t let the door hit you on your ass on your way out.

      SMOOTCHES!

      • Yes! Brooke, thank you. I was thinking the same thing about the name. LAMEWARD!

    • Now, now.. I don’t think Rob would appreciate you talking trash about HIS cougars. Rob LOVES the cougars.. HARD! He told me himself. True Story.

      And don’t you worry about us and the vampsicle. I pre-ordered them in BULK so no LTT/LTR girl would be left without one. Yours is in the mail. No need to thank me. 😉

      Cougarism: It’s not just a sport. It’s a way of LIFE!! .. RESPECT!

      • VAMPSICLE=my new favorite word.

        Anxiously awaiting my shipment.

        I shall call him Buddy, and he shall be mine. 😛

    • Srsly …does anyone have a link to this sparkly vibrator?

    • Meh, kinda disappointing.
      Where are the “gates of hale”, “daddy lucifer”, “you’re all ugly”??
      come on, step up your game

    • I’m pretty sure WestFriend is 21. So…cougar isn’t in the vocabulary yet. Suckah!

    • Oh man, another hater! Old news. Get over it! Someone please post that article on how recognize sarcasm or something!

      Sadly, we are not all cougars. There’s a few women here who are lucky enough to be cougars though!

      Anyway, welcome to this forum! You may get eaten alive if you don’t behave though.

    • Is that you Tammy@? 😉

    • I guess my birthday the other day turned me into a cougar…35…SOOOO with that I can guarantee that if it came down to who would OWN Rob’s ass…me or RobKris.

      I would win.

      Over and over and over again.

      You step into the cougar den…you’re gonna get eaten.

      • Happy Barfday, Sassy. From a fellow coog =^..^= Meooow!

        • Well the difference between you and me is that I don’t want a piece of Rob’s ass. He has a girlfriend. You know what that is? Good. Only SHE has a piece of Rob’s ass – the way it should be.

          • I want a piece of YOUR ass. You’re making me all tingly inside. Wanna be fakelesbians with me? Mmmm, nothing says lovin like hater-shovin

      • I don’t think you’re “officially” a couger–OOPS–cougar. I read somewhere that you have to be in your 40’s…? Maybe you’re a puma! I like to think of myself as a liger because they have the best skills in magic.

        http://www.foxnews.com/slideshow/entertainment/2009/08/20/cougars-v-pumas-search-younger-prey

        • I totally have a window decal with that on it in my car.

        • Ohhhh, I wanna be a liger!

          • Me too!

    • Haters go away from here, FAR AWAY!!!!!! We cougars here can make KS look like a little frightened Kindergartener who doesn’t know a peen from a popsicle!!!~And what are you doing in this forum anyway, all of us here love Rob and we can talk trash, be pervy, be funny, be sarcastic, and whatever;but its all in good fun, so……GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • FYI- If you want to read this blog, you need this link and a sense of humor. You seem to have neither…..Good God…

      http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-Someone-Is-Being-Sarcastic

    • Dear Robkris,

      Please accept this reply as notification of your removal from the Robsten Fan Club. As President and Chief Sparkle Monitor, it is my duty to inform you that the RFC does not tolerate relationshipism from any of its members. Furthermore, your negative connotation when using the term “cougars” is not appreciated, as we all know THEY HAVE BETTER INSURANCE. Your termination is effective immediately, and be assured that no humpalicious vampire will be around to bite you – he’s too busy sucking on those mountain lions you just mentioned!

      Yours,
      The Once (in my mind) and Future Mrs. Cullen,
      DBA, RFC

      P.S. Please return your nametag and dream journal immmediately. Thanks, though, for all the attention you’ve drawn to our latest fundraiser. Those sparkly vibrators are gonna buy us a whole lotta mushroom ravioli.

      • “Please return your nametag and dream journal immmediately” LOL

        I can’t believe you girls have nametags and a dream journal!!! I’m team crapsten but HELL I want IN!

      • OMG this post is total Win!

    • Fear the cougar, FEAR THE COUGAR! MeeeeeOW…ffffftt, ffffft!

    • Dude, NO FAIR. How come you guys get the haters and the post I contribute to on LTT just get’s people talking about how funny all the women around here are? Oh sorry – correction – all the OLD NASTY COUGAR BIATCHES.

      Seriously, hun. Log off the computer in the library and get back to your 6th period history lesson. Your teacher will be wondering where you are, and if the Principal finds out that you were off spewing forth your Robsten fantasies AGAIN… you might actually get detention this time. Come back again once your English teacher has shown you the ways of sarcasm.

      I have a new invention that I need to work on: sarcasm font. That would solve a lot of this.

    • Do you honestly think sticking up for Rob & Kristen will move you “up” in “the most awesome” fan line?! Or possibly that they will give a big ol high fiver with your great and wonderful catty cougar (MEEEOWW) remark? Are you the President of the Kristen Stewart Fan Club?! These are questions inquiring minds want to know…

      I was brought up.. if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.. so I leave you with……….

      (hear that?! Yes, it is the sound of me singing ‘We are the Rob’, sharpening my “cougar claws” and partial silence)

    • I’m late, I’m late for a very important date….

      “Do you honestly think that Rob would want to F@ck some of you?”

      Never been *facked* in my life, I prefer to be *fucked*.

      x

    • i love me some haters, somehow they brighten my day, maybe because they make my life seem better because at least im not bitter enough to leave rude comments on a website that is totally amazing.

  28. Rob is NEVER depressed because when he’s feeling down, he logs on, sees what we’re all writing about him and laughs til he falls off his chair!!!!

    (or maybe it’s the beer that causes that!)

  29. Rob is never depressed because he’s too depressed to realize he’s depressed. 🙂

  30. Sorry if this has already been posted, I haven’t had a chance to read everyone’s posts yet.

    “Rob is never depressed because he doesn’t have to wear Kristen’s wig. ”

    ROTFL! Thank God that Rob has perfect sexy hair! No need for a wig there! I think women will still love him no matter what he does to his hair. Wonder how he’d look with a mohawk?

    BTW I don’t like that wig on Kstew. Is it just me or is that the same wig that Jacob Black had on in Twilight? 🙂

  31. “…He can bang her like a screen door in a hurricane

    Is this copyright? Love that and feel the need to use it in future conversations…..no need to say what sort of conversations…um anywhooo…..

    RobKris??Well someone certainly threw their toys out the pram today didn’t they!?? 30 years old and proud to be a cougar that’s me (does 7 years really put me into cougar status?)…oh hell I forgot you are the oracle according to all things “Robsten”……..”is in a relationship with Kristen Stewart” bahahahahahaha!!! so what if he is?????

    God i am a bit tired and cranky huh?

    And UC did you really buy them all……I can’t get one over here in the UK….oh wait never mind, I’ll get Rob to model for me when he get’s back to the UK…… 🙂

    • That’s where disappeared to y’know. Yeah, a few weeks back, when no one saw hide nor hair of him (!), he was squeezing in a gig over at Doc Johnson’s modelling his peener for their latest dildo line.

      (I could quite possibly be going to hell for comments like this. Oh the ways my mind works. It’s all you fault LTR/LTT, you turn me in to a dirty bird!)

    • That’s where Rob disappeared to y’know. Yeah, a few weeks back, when no one saw hide nor hair of him (!), he was squeezing in a gig over at Doc Johnson’s modelling his peener for their latest dildo line.

      (I could quite possibly be going to hell for comments like this. Oh the ways my mind works. It’s all you fault LTR/LTT, you turn me in to a dirty bird!)

      • LMAO! ❤ you for knowing the Doc Johnson brand. I am currently sipping a latte from a Doc Johnson mug.

  32. Kristin WINS! I am seriously dying right now…

  33. “•Rob is never depressed because when he runs out of cigarettes he knows that Kristen has weed”

    hahaha classic

    How about, Rob is depressed b/c there’s all these crazy rumors about him slapping uglies with mullet head.

    and…

    Rob is NOT depressed bc he knows he is NOT with MULLET HEAD!!! lol 😛

  34. Rob is never depressed because……..HE HAS ALL OF US LTR GIRLS TO TAKE HIM BEHIND A DUMPSTER AND MAKE HIM OH SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  35. Good post as usual.. Lots of extra snarkasm to add, & I can’t pass up the opportunity to do so.

    That being said, you left out a few worthy mentions:

    Rob is DEPRESSED cuz:

    * He can’t wander around like an aimless hobo (like he used to) and engage in dumpster diving sex.
    * Can’t engage in drinking sports, or hang with his one TRUE bromance TomStu with out it being splashed in glorious color all over the rags.

    And lastly why Rob Pattinson is depressed: (drum roll please):
    **** Has to wear the Stewie beard until the franchise is done filming (and the beard itches like crazy) i.e. Like “Man i’m getting a nasty chaffing rash having to wear the beard” .

    oink
    :))
    xH

  36. Wow, I learn so much by coming here. I am a 27 year old cougar now!!! We just get younger everyday. I am even wearing an Ed Hardy tshirt(for WastingtheMorn) and I think that should officially put me over-the-cougar-top!

    AARP DID just send me some stuff in the mail. I brushed it off because here I was thinking I was still young…but now that your bright mind has come along, I realize they were right along. Phew.

    Though I’ll take cougar because I live on my own, my car insurance is way low and I have experience. That, my love, is worth SO much in the real world. The real world is not what you watch on MTV when you’re on Winter Break, btw! (Yes, us cougars DID watch MTV back in the day!)

    OH and the best part? My MOMMY doesn’t pay for the bandwidth it takes to write this. My old ass does. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to put on my spectacles, take my Metamucil and drive into town for my early bird dinner buffet. They have ham today!

    • I ❤ you pinkluff……

    • @ Pinkfluff-
      OINK OINK!!
      hey! don’t eat ham please!!!..
      The pig dolphin is an endangered species and is sacred around here.
      oink
      🙂

      -H

  37. Here’s the thing…I don’t even get pissed off at the haters anymore. I’ve sorta developed a soft spot for them, cause they make me laugh my cougar ass off. That, and the comments they provoke. You girls are sure in fine form when the haters come out to play. And that my friends, is a win/win situation.

  38. Amazing post, as usual! Fudge, you guys are amazing!

    I just have one thing to add (and I’m sorry if it’s been said before…)

    “Rob’s never depressed because”: HE’S EVERYBODY’S TYPE! I know women who don’t like tall guys who are in LOVE with Rob… women who only like dark hair/eyed guys who want to jump his bones. He’s everybody’s type and that is why he is never, ever depressed:) haha!

    • Here here Marz! So true, so true. I suppose this belongs over in the “confess your twi-secrets” post, but the truth of the matter is (deep breath, I’m actually going to admit this) when Robbie first came on the scene I thought “who is this wierd looking guy with the funny angles to his face?”. I actually even posted a headshot to my FB and asked my friends if anyone else though his face looked like a Dali painting. I think the exact question was: “Am I the only one that thinks this guy looks like a Picasso? Human faces aren’t supposed to have these angles. It’s improbable!”
      Le sigh. I was so young then. Young and unaware. Le sigh.

      Of course now I’d do him two ways from Sunday, even with his Pablo angles (thatswhatshesaid)……which incidentally I no longer see.

      By the way, anyone else get a certain satisfying giggle out of the Dali painting The Great Masturbator and it’s relation to RP (you know, cuz he played Dali in Little Ashes…..c’mon, i’m not the only one who can turn ANYTHING in to a twi-reference or robference. You’ve all admitted it freely in the confessions post. Anyone…..anyone…….???? I feel so alone)

      • No! I definitely thought that Rob was “meh” when he played Cedric (RIP) in Goblet of Fire… then… ohgawd! Then, I saw him do an interview for Twilight… ❤ I couldn't get enough of how awkward and humble he was. That turned me, and this woman, a woman who neither finds guys with "questionable hygiene" and a penchant for Heineken (barf!) beer, drawn to him. le sigh.

    • That’s so true! I used to only like guys that are tan and really buff. So yeah I strayed quite a bit by liking Rob….who can resist this Adonis? 🙂 For some reason I can’t even picture him being tan KWIM? LOL. I’m kind of digging the really pale skin now.

  39. Robert is depressed because he thinks he’s not that good-looking, finds his face deformed as if he had reconstructive surgery, thinks his hands are weak…and who knows what else. He’s mostly insecure and a worrier. It’s only funny after a few beers. And it seems YOU guys have had a few this morning. You have a tragic sense of humor 😦

    • i’m confused…… The title is why Rob is Never depressed…

      • I gave you a thumbs up because I was also confused. Is it wrong to have beer with breakfast?

        • Colour me confused too. All this confusion is rather tragic

        • I was confused too – someone else who needs a crash course in sarcasm i think.

          And breakfast beers are never wrong lapushbaby, they’re one of life’s greatest joys – and apparently a British tradition as well! (At least according to all the Brits I’ve met – and I count Rob in that group… is that wrong?)

    • Saint Yak?

      …Really?? Now I am confused.

    • Is this Rob being emo?

      Don’t cry darling. There are a lot of mommas hear that would love to “cheer” you up.

      • shite. *here not hear. Jesus.

  40. Dream on cougar b i t c h e s if you seriously think you will give you a second glance! LMAO! Oh, and yes, he is in a relationship with Kristen Stewart and I don’t have to cry in any Robsten pillow when I have a REAL man in my bed, not a “dream”

    • if you think ROB will give you a second glance! You guys had me laughing so hard I can’t even type. This is the playground for the delusional! LMAO!

      • yay!!!!! so glad you’re laughing too! isnt’ it fun!?

        • I really like how she spaced out the word “bitches” so you can read it better. Verrrrry creative, no?

          Peace, Love, R o b !

      • Bwahahaa! I’m laughing too! I’m laughing at your silly post! LOL.

    • “You guys had me laughing so hard I can’t even type.”

      I know!!! this happens to me every day!!

    • oh my god, are you still here? Yawn.

      • She wants an audience to air her anger out. 🙂

    • Yay! You’re like the gift that keeps on giving. I bet my delusion can kick your delusion’s ass.

      • I don’t get the whole hater comment thing (maybe I’m too old), but of all the comments, yours, Robjunkie, is my absolute favorite & may be my new motto:

        My delusion can kick your delusion’s ass – absolutely brilliant!!

        Can I pretend I made that up myself?

    • I don’t have to cry in any Robsten pillow when I have a REAL man in my bed, not a “dream”

      REAL man=sparkly dildo

      • sparkle peen!!

    • @ robkris.
      That’s MS BITCHES to you if you please!
      In any case – TomStu is Rob’s one true.. cupcake.

      ***********************

      Gentle and kind readers (except for robkris, who is really TammyO).
      I previously mentioned earlier why Rob may be depressed, and now..
      Some reasons Why Rob may NOT be depressed:

      TomStu’s play ( PUnk Rock ) will be over in a few weeks, and TomStu can visit Robbie so they can both go out and play, like old times.
      The bromance lives on!
      All hail the order of the plaid and hot hobo love.

      cheers,
      -xH

    • Awww…I have a REAL man in my bed too and now I’m “dreaming” of Rob in bed with my REAL man…Thanks for the new cougar fantasy!

      I’m guessing she won’t read this as night meds are taken at 8 pm at the hospital.

    • Robkris:

      Dudeeee hate to break it to you but that Edward Cullen cutout you lay next to every night in bed is not considered a “REAL man”.. just sayin!

    • Get thee back to your home at The Awful Truth so you can continue to analyze whether or not Rob and Kristen wore the same t-shirt 6 months apart. I’m certain I won’t sleep another wink until I have the answer to this important and compelling question!

  41. Excellent!

  42. Well I am depressed because I am just getting to the flat today for the first time at 9:45pm. 😦

    “Rob is not depressed because Oregano is in VanCity applying for a greater position for the 2010 winter Olympics. This, obviously, was his second choice, as he didn’t pass the 5′8″ height minimum for his preferred position of Olympic mascot.”

    LOVE.THIS!

  43. LOTN?

    • Hey Nat! You still around??

      • didn’t recognise your monster little fn. only a quickie today off to a meeing blah…

        BTW you better be reading emanc proc or there will br BIG trouble young lady.

  44. I have a REAL man in my bed too and now I’m “dreaming” of him and Rob together in my bed. Thanks for the new cougar fantasy!

    I’m guessing she won’t read this as nightime meds are given out at the hospital at 8 pm.

    Unfortunately there’s no pill for hate but I hear Valium is nice…..ask for some

  45. Oops…double posted..

    DG = technofailure

    Rob SHOULDN’T be depressed cause I hear you all sent him a new Stoli shirt and he just doesn’t know it yet.

    • A new Stoli shirt, for real?? Drat! Wish I’d thought of that.

      Way to go, ladies. : ]

  46. Bahahaha, love this.

  47. Well we (me and Amy) are depressed UC, and just had to tell you that this post killed us.
    Literally.
    And not in a good way, like usual.

    Why?
    Here’s why?

    Picture us, reading along, having a giggle, and we get to the line “because when you have one leg shorter than the other walking is a fun and interesting challenge!”

    We stop.
    Look at each other.
    WTF does that mean?
    Flick to Google
    “Robert Pattinson shorter leg”
    Results 1 – 10 of about 104,000 for robert pattinson shorter leg
    GASP

    HE HAS ONE LEG SHORTER THAN THE OTHER

    Pick a site.
    Look at crazy leg pictures.
    Pee pants laughing.
    Another site.
    Hysteria ensues.
    Re-analyse the bouncy walk we’ve always thought belonged to normal legged tall but shy person (think bounching up the hill behind Bella for “v.v.v.Vampire” scene).

    OMG! He really has one leg shorter than the other. Is that why he can’t let go of the Nike’s – one has a little lift?

    It’s been about 18 hours since this discovery, and we are still trying to cope with new mental images of naked Rob.

    I’m sure Robsession will return to full strength soon, but for now, any advice?

  48. […] Why Rob is Never Depressed « Letters to Rob letterstorob.wordpress.com/2009/09/02/why-rob-is-never-depressed – view page – cached #Letters to Rob RSS Feed Letters to Rob » Why Rob is Never Depressed Comments Feed Letters to Rob Vanity Fair Outtakes… We are the Rob – Peace among Robert Pattinson Fans! — From the page […]


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