The latest e-mail forward going around my group of friends is called Why men are never depressed… It lists things like: Men can be President. They can never be pregnant. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. The world is their urinal. Same work, more pay. People never stare at their chest when they’re having a conversation. They know stuff about tanks. They can open all their own jars. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Their underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Since I’ve recently picked up the hobby of turning every e-mail forward I receive into a post about you (just wait until you see the post I’m doing about the e-mail FWD where the ghost scares the crap out of you by jumping onto your screen. Bet you’ll never guess who’s mullet I photo-shopped onto your head!), with the help of some friends, I’ve come up with a list of reasons why you’re not depressed.
Why Rob is Never Depressed
- Rob is never depressed because he never has to pay more than 99 cents for a new shirt.
- Rob is never depressed because he gets sexual propositions everywhere he goes.
- Rob is never depressed because the most expensive food group he consumes is beer.
- Rob is never depressed because if he’s having a bad day, all he needs is a microwave and some carrots.
- Rob is never depressed because when he’s having a bad day, he knows there’s lots of delightful stories online starring him as a main character.
Brooke: Yes, he probably also thought I Love LA (the fan fic) chronicles something that happened when he blacked out, but Rob isn’t depressed about it cause apparently he gave some good lovin’.
- Rob is never depressed because he realized that he is able to warm up his chewy chocolate granola bar in the microwave as long as he removes the wrapper first.
- Rob is never depressed because when you have one leg shorter than the other walking is a fun and interesting challenge!
- Rob is never depressed because once he endorsed Hot Pockets in an interview, they gave him a huge stack of $3.00 off coupons, thus receiving free hot pockets for the rest of his life.
- Rob is never depressed because everything matches with flannel.
- Rob is never depressed because his entire wardrobe fits in a duffel bag.
- Rob is never depressed because he and all of his friends have amazing musical abilities (minus the 100 Monkeys).
- Rob is never depressed because when he runs out of cigarettes he knows that Kristen has weed.
- Rob is never depressed because he knows that Sam, Marcus, and Bobby will do his flirting for him.
- Rob is never depressed because he knows he can make a delicious pot of beans.
- Rob is never depressed because he doesn’t have to wear Kristen’s wig.
- Rob is never depressed because he knows that if he’s feeling a bit pudgy, he can just have a makeup artist paint some abs on him.
- Rob is never depressed because he made Nick write it into his contract that he would never have to work with Cougar Cathy ever again.
- Rob is never depressed because there is a website dedicated to writing letters to him daily
- Rob is never depressed because said letter writers are hot as hell
- Rob is never depressed because if it doesn’t work out with Stewey he can always fall back on NReed. She isn’t that bad too look at and while the Greek Shipping heir gave her some nasty diseases ‘down there,’ the skills he taught her (which he learned from The Hotel chain heir) make it all worth it.
- Rob is never depressed cause he has a feeling that a mind-blowing experience is coming his way. (which is obviously me, cause I’ll be in VanCity on 9/9)
Why Rob IS Depressed
- Rob IS depressed because apparently Oregano has been seen in VanCity with KStew
- Rob isn’t going to be depressed much longer because he’s totally going to hit that and plan for Oregano to walk in during the throes… (KStew will be doing the work, of course.)
- Rob is not depressed because Oregano is only staying for a few days. He can bang her like a screen door in a hurricane as soon as that sad sack is back on a plane.
- Rob is never depressed because now that Oregano is back in town he doesn’t have to listen to KStew yammering on about girl shit and no longer has to cuddle after sex- Oregano’s there to do all the ‘boring stuff’
- Rob is not depressed because Oregano is in VanCity applying for a greater position for the 2010 winter Olympics. This, obviously, was his second choice, as he didn’t pass the 5’8″ height minimum for his preferred position of Olympic mascot.
- Rob IS depressed because he wishes he was my husband last night.
- Rob is never depressed because he IS. He IS Rob. End of Story. He’s no fool…His life RULES!
And Rob, if the list above isn’t enough to remind you of how good you really have it, remember the most important positive aspect of your life:
Rob is never depressed because he can do The Tuck. And girls still love him, despite it.
Thanks to Carter, Kristin, Brookey, Calliope, WestFriend, Moon & EastFriend. Oh & to Tex who originally sent me the e-mail fwd, having no idea how I’d butcher it!