It’s Friday. Thank God. We worked hard. We deserve a weekend to play hard. And by ‘play hard’ I mean sit around, check twitter and the blogs we love every five seconds to see if Rob has been seen again in LA and wait in anticipation for the Teen Choice Awards Monday night for the first time since we were, well, teens. Today is the perfect day to crack open Rob’s mailbag and see what recent letters he’s received. Ready set read:
Pass along this Birthday RobPorn to Kristin, will ya? Also I hate you for last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTIN! WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH XO
UnintendedChoice & theMoonnisDown
Kristin is a forum mod & dear friend and is flying today, on her birthday, to meet Too_Far_Gone, a bff she met on LTR! Wish her a happy birthday!
I need to tell you a story about something that happened to me. I am Norwegian. English is NOT my native language. I am a huge Twilight/Rob fan. I spend all my time being intrigued by the Twilight Phenomenon (read: obsessing over you). Sadly enough, it isn’t that big over here, and I’m quite alone at the moment, waiting for people my age to open their eyes and see the light. The upside is that since nobody gives a damn (and I have a government job), I have lots of time to fool around, procrastinate, make funny pics and buy anything Twilight-related on the internet. Hence my story. Since I’ve been 29 for a while, and for some other really good reasons, I decided to buy something that didn’t make me look like a Christmas Tree. On the opposite, I went for something subtle, something only the ‘insiders’ would get, but something that would still be a token of my love of anything RPattz. I ended up buying this:
As soon as the item was purchased I called my BFF, and told her about the catch. This was her reply:
BFF: Do you know what Spunk means?
Me: Uhh…yeah…like courage and determination, right?
Me: (blushing) Does it mean something else?
BFF: ROFL (literally)
I hung up. I googled it. I died. Then I went home and complained to my boyfriend.
BF: Did you really not know what Spunk means? (smiling slyly)
Me: (more blushing) I’ve been made aware of it
BF: How is it possible NOT to know this (by now laughing his ass off)
Me: I’m innocent. I read like…the Classics. Not porn. I don’t even watch MTV, or wherever you guys pick up those words. So, I guess you’ll forbid me to use the tote (kinda hopeful)?
BF: Not at all. I might pretend I don’t know you, though.
I believe this would be a good time to hear you confirm that your decision to name yourself Spunk Ransom was derived from your love of Pippi Longstockings, and not…well, you know. You see, while I think of you as a true intellectual and lover of old sweet, Swedish children books, my friends are telling me that you are really just another 23-year-old guy with a stupid sex-joke. To save me from eternal ridicule, and for making it less shameful to wear my newly purchased “More Spunk” this summer, please confirm that Pippi Longstocking is the origin of Spunk Ransom.
Get your own 23-year old sex joke tote here on cafe’ press
Mail day continues after the jump!
The Psychic’s predictions
I’d just like to say that I am NOT delusional or crazy or anything. I someday am really going to be in a relationship with you. Don’t believe me? I was told by a psychic, and while she didn’t explicitly say those exact words, she might as well have. She told me that my future husband will be of these certain things, and after reading them you must conclude that she was completely and irrevocably (you must always use that word incorrect like SMeyer) speaking about you. My future husband:
- She said he would be foreign. HELLLLOOOO you are so from the U.K. and since I am currently residing in a sunny San Diego, CA that’s definitely foreign for me.
- She said he would be older. You were born in 1986, and I was born in 1987. Once again… HELLO. Thats a whole year of aged wisdom you have on me. I’m sure down for you to impart your wisdom on me ifyouknowhatimsayin.🙂
She said he might have a less than desirable past. This was when I definitely knew it was my Robber Doodle. I am under the impression that while working on Twilight, you and K(beef)Stew hooked up. I refuse to believe that you are a couple, but I will concede that you probably did the deed and maybe her fake lesbian-ness, Nikki, joined in every now and then, but that’s as far as I’m going to go. Noone in the world would have a more undesirable past to me than the ex of the stuttering, blinking, frowned-face one, Kristen Stewart.
- She said there might be many other women after him. I don’t know if you have checked lately, but I’m pretty sure any female with a pulse is after you, Rob. (Note to LTR gals: you can all stop now because its OBVIOUS I’m going to be with him, and you should focus your attention on something more productive.) I may not be a German model or be able to blink and stutter my way through entire movies, but me and you COMPLETE each other, Rob, and we will be together some day, I just know it.
- She said he will be well-off. While you used to be slumming it with the 2 dollar shirts and Popov Pre-gaming (before you pounds the Hein.), after all the money you are going to make of this Twilight franchise, we’ll be ROLLING in the dough. We can stock our entire freezer with hot pockets and anything else you would like to see magically unfrozen in the microwave. You can radiate things to your heart’s content. And, if it happens to be the case that you still want to buy your 2 dollar shirts and save money by not washing your hair or showering on a regular basis, then we can just save that money to use for trips to London to go visit and Clare and Dick – who, by the way, are going to LOVE me.
- She said he might need some help cleaning up his act. Uh, can there possibly be any hotter man who loves to be dirty? I dont think so. You are a dirty boy and will definitely need my assistance cleaning it up. If you wash my back then I’ll… well you get the point.
I don’t think that anyone could possibly dispute that the higher powers at be realize that me and you were made for each other, and that it is only a matter of time (just enough time for me to remove all evidence of my obsessing over you) before we’re a happy couple.
And this might be a crime against humanity, but I’m posting a letter to Kristen here. I think you’ll forgive me once you read it though!
Taking one for the team
Have you ever heard the old adage ‘take one for the team?’
Maybe they don’t have that saying in little-rich-girl-ville where you grew up.
Let me explain it to you, because it is not just what happens when you go out with your best friend and she is awesome enough to spend all night talking to a chunky dude with BO because his artist friend who looks like he could win a Jude Law-lookalike contest if his pecs weren’t so big is hardcore flirting with you (I still owe you Christie)
According to the Urban Dictionary, to take one for the team means to willingly make a sacrifice for the benefit of others….do you get where I am going with this Stewie?
Let me lay it down. Millions (seriously that freaking many) upon Millions of women want to bang Rob Pattinson, or even just see him naked….ONCE (I myself would settle for watching through a window and Rob gets to keep his socks on…anything for god’s sake!)
I mean, women all over the world are losing sleep at night, driving their cars off of roads, staring over the heads of their boyfriends and husbands with dazed eyes, just dreaming of Rob and pondering the deliciousness of a Chilean kiss!
And then there is you Kstew:
Looking your usual- “Life as famous millionaire spawn that gets paid to make out with the most beautiful and precious man alive can be so boring” -self as our poor Rob toys with your shirt wishing that he could pull it up and see your breasts (And we all know how Saucy Rob loves to ogle breasts)
This picture is equivalent to you spitting in the faces of millions of Rob-loving women, many of whom are beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate people with plenty more going on in the breast department that we actually want to share with Rob.
Stewie, you are like a fat guy holding a Big Mac up in front of thousands of starving children refusing to eat it.
You are like the little girl who gets a pony for her birthday and won’t let anyone else at the party ride it (even though SHE is NOT RIDING IT herself…ahem!)
You are single-handedly hoarding one of the finest natural resources on the planet (seriously, I hear that Bono is writing a song right now about how wasteful you are being)
So, Kstew I am now asking you to ‘take one for the team’- the ‘team’ being all of us girls who would kill for one night in the arms of Rob Pattinson.
I heard that you read Vonnegut and Bukowski, and so I am inclined to want to love you and to think that you do have a brain in there somewhere.
Do it because you CAN. To NOT bang Rob Pattinson when you have the chance is a CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY and is just NOT FAIR.
Everytime I do these mail-bag days I can’t believe Moon & I are so blessed to “know” all you hilarious, amazing women. And I also feel like quitting the blog because you all are so much funnier!
Have YOU submitted a letter to Rob yet? Why not? Is it because we take 3-4 weeks to respond to our email these days (yikes- sorry about that!) Well, if you have something great to write, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. OR write him a mini letter in the comments!
Wanna know who won the Rob photo Face-off from yesterday, thus winning the role of Tanya* in Breaking Dawn where we hope a dream sequence of she and Rob getting it on will occur? Moon. She won 6 out of 8 categories and got 60% of the votes. Congrats Moon! I hate you.
*in our dreams