Posted by: UC | April 28, 2009

Do’s and Don’ts when meeting Rob

Dear Rob,

I’ll admit, I jumped on the bandwagon pretty late. I thought you were pretty cute in Harry Potter, but I didn’t get the special fuzzies in my belly like I do when I watch you now. But I jumped on board right before the movie came out. I started googling you secretly, and it seems like I saw your career grow right before my very eyes.  And as I saw your celebrity grow, I started getting WAY 2nd-hand embarrassed for the way your fans acted.  I understand when 12 yr olds who don’t know better ask you to bite them, but when grown, “normal” woman act the way they do sometimes, I want to grab you, run away and ask you to bite my neck keep you from all the crazy.

A few months ago, Moon & I started compiling a list of Do’s and Don’t for your fans.  As the owners of the best blog in the world, we feel it is our responibility to share our knowledge of what you would or would not like when meeting your fans.  Ready, set go:

Do’s and Don’t’s when meeting Rob:

Fashion Tips

robpants

Click in order to be the most 2nd hand embarrassed EVER

  • Don’t wear these pants. It’s not cool. And if you’re trying to be funny, it’s not. Just don’t do it.
  • Don’t wear a Twilight T-shirt. I don’t care if it’s the only black shirt you own and you need a black shirt to look slimmer. Go buy another black shirt. You can get a plain T at wal-mart for like $4. If you don’t have $4, ask me- I’ll send you $4
  • Don’t wear a slutty outfit, thinking you look “hot.” You don’t. You just look like a slut, and while Rob might stare at your almost-nipple-showing cleavage for like 3 seconds, he’s not going to sleep with you because he’s been trained to avoid the slutty fans and instead go home with messy hair, glasses wearing, sweatpants-loving gals like Nikki & Kristen
  • Do: Be honest. Wear a shirt that, on the front, says “DO ME NOW, Rob.”  On the back it could say, “Yes, here in the bar.”

In the bar

  • Don’t sneak up behind him and touch his hair
  • Don’t go up to the bar, casually bump into him and take a big sniff to see if the rumors are true
  • DO smell him– but surreptitiously.
  • Don’t keep looking at his crotch. (Yes, it’s obvious)
  • Don’t ask for pictures or autographs. It’ll just piss him off. Plus we’ve heard enough interviews to know that he hates getting his picture taken. That’s no way to woo him- making him mad by having his pissed off face on your camera for all of eternity.
  • Do: If you MUST do something, send him a drink and stay the hell away
Rob's fav thing is to be interrupted while chompin' down on a steak

Rob's fav thing is to be interrupted while chompin' down on a steak. I know, he told me

The actual meeting Applies to the lucky gals who meet him in a NON-STALKERish way. Stalkers just need to stay the hell away

  • Don’t have him sign copies of your books. WHO BRINGS A BOOK TO A BAR OR CLUB? Just… DON’T! The only time you should bring those books out in public is on a flight (when you’re sitting in coach- FAR away from First Class)
  • Don’t tell him how much you like his music. He’ll know that’s just shit. And all you really wanna do is eff him. (Dumpster-dive him, if you will)
  • Don’t ask him to meet you out by the dumpster. He doesn’t read our site so he won’t get it. He’ll probably just think you’re into trash and be turned off
  • Do: talk to him casually if you get an opportunity. Tell a funny joke, and while he’s laughing, casually slip a GPS tracking device into his pocket. Thank him and say good bye (Yes, YOU initiate the end of the convo) Then, high-tail it to your car and follow him back to his hotel.  Pull out your stashed maid costume and follow him to his room. You play “maid,” and he can play dude who’s getting laid.

We promise that if you follow these rules, Rob will fall madly in love with you and give you 5 children (or no children, if that’s your cup o’ tea). On the other hand, if you do ANY of these “don’ts” and then name drop LettersToRob in the same sentence, we will forever disown you!

Love,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

Rob hates his life. And you're embarrassing the rest of us

Rob hates his life. And you're embarrassing the rest of us

Moon & I would like to comission an artist to paint US in “the pants” riding on the back of a Unicorn with Rob. We’ll pay $4 and donate it to our newly created “fund for those who can’t afford a blank black t-shirt to meet Rob in”
(2nd pic source) *UC sober note: Clearly I was drunk when I wrote this. How can we PAY someone $4 then DONATE the money? Makes no sense…. And I thought I fooled you all and you’d never be able to tell I was drinking….boo

Have you chatted in today’s “Daily Chatter” yet on the Forum? No! Why not!? Do you have something better to do? Like WORK or something? Lamespice- get your butts there now!

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Responses

  1. Those pants are killing me. I wouldn’t even want to be the person seated next to that chick.

    I think if I ever met HHH, I would totally just pretend I didn’t know who he was. Then he would fall in love with my witty self (because he would be so intrigued by the lady who didn’t know who he was) and start stalking me. =)

    • Yeah that’s my plan too. Ignoring him and later starting a causal conversation. It will work. But I think I would need a appropriate venue. Or just a random place where fan girls are not present.

    • if we ever meet Rob we solemnly swear to NEVER mention that we run a blog about him.

      • you sell yourself short UC. i think he’d love to have a good laugh with you about your hilarious blog and all us cheeky women who visit! he’d liekly have some pertinent q & a pour vous.

        i really don’t get the crazy fan thing. i would consider myself a ‘fan’ but i would never approach him…well, i might, just to tell him he offends my ass everytime he disses moms who like twilight and that i seriously love his commentary on the twilight dvd ‘come on you guys!’.

      • I’m so glad that you know it would be a tragic folly on your part to tell him about this(most holy) blog you run. If I were to meet Rob I would have some 80′s style black Ray-bans in my pocket, then I would be all “You dropped these” and then he would think I was polite and we would bang right there. Checks out my sight, some nice Rob porn is up. http://aquiredtaste.wordpress.com

      • EVER!

      • Or comment on a blog about him……… so what’s LTR anyway? LOL

    • if yo think those are bad you should see the rob underoos I have with his face ironed on! http://aquiredtaste.wordpress.com/. go hear for some rob porn

  2. I haven’t even finished this yet, but
    Do: Be honest. Wear a shirt that, on the front, says “DO ME NOW, Rob.” On the back it could say, “Yes, here in the bar.”
    Has me crying
    Love you girls

    • Oh girls this is one of the best, love the dumpster reference as it’s one image I’ve just not been able to clear in my mind.
      The GPS maid scenerio is truely brill and I can see you girls pulling it off…….
      This is there with the letter to Clare and the dumpster letter for me, class act girls.
      Thank you Thank you Thank you.

      • nice! we rivaled the letter to clare? awesome! cuz i was totally drunk when i wrote this. True.story. Note to self.. post more when you’re drunk

    • oh yay! we love making girls cry.

      wow.. that’s weird. and not really true…

      love you back!

    • OOh, gotta get to Walmart to buy my $4 t-shirt and iron on letters.
      “Do Me Rob”

      Hopefully it will really work then I’ll get my dumpster diving chance. YAY!!!

      This just may be my favorite letter to Rob yet. Awesomeness abounds!

  3. LMAO!!1
    “Tell a funny joke, and while he’s laughing, casually slip a GPS tracking device into his pocket”–> I love it how you teach us to behave and not be stalkers!!!

    hahhaahaha I’ll keep that in mind and always carry with me the GPS and the maid costume, just in case lol

    Thanks for the laugh!

    • welcome XO

    • DUH! what prepared rob fan doesnt travel with a maid costume and gps in their car?! it”s called strategery!

      • “it’s called strategy!”
        LMFAO!

  4. Okay, I won’t lie, the list is amazing and very honest. But, I can’t lie. The pants are a little out there, but I DO have a shirt that says “Bun My Oven, Mr. Pattinson” Of course I would save that for our special bedroom time, and not wear it in public to embarass him. Unless he wanted everyone to know that his bread pan was in my bakery!

    • Great t-shirt you’ve got me laughing as much as the letter
      Why is everyone else so funny?
      This is why I spend ate least 3 hours a day checking this place
      Sincerely hope you get to wear the shirt Jesica

      • 3 hours a day!! aw! so sweet.. but you do realize we only post ONCE a day, right? although the commenters ARE hilarious!

        ooh- for more hilarious fun. go to the forum and read the twilight theatre about taylor. so hilarious!

    • no! you don’t have that shirt! AMAZING!

      • Yes, I do!! Of course I have the haters here in good ol’ East Liverpool who are like “Who the h is Mr. Pattinson?!” and I’m like HELLO! The father of my unborn child. The ignorance of people amazes me. :) Someone has to stand ground for the beautiful creature we call Rob in this hick town.

        • omg, I love you for having that shirt and wearing it in public!

          • I have no shame. It’s like back in 97 when everyone was wearing their Spice Girls shirts. They didn’t get shot for that! I can’t help that he makes me feel like a bowl of butter on the 4th of July.

          • @Jesica

            It is my goal today to use this in a sentence:

            ….hotter than a bowl of butter on 4th of July

            ROFLMAO!

          • :)

  5. And to this already stellar and spot-on list I add, in honor of Miss Clueless/Embarrassing in the final picture above:
    Don’t put your hands/arms all over the man. Have some respect for personal boundaries.

    All these people are up in his Kool-Aid, not even knowing the flavor.

    p.s. The flavor is hops and barley. Of course.

    • what’s hops and barley? Oh and I agree with you. DONT CROSS PERSONAL BOUNDARIES IT WILL DEFINITELY PUT HIM OFF. Be subtle and have understated
      elegance. But be sure of yourself and dress elegantly + stylishly and comfortably.

      • Hops and barley = beer.

    • duh. of course that’s the flavor!

    • LMAO You guys are killing today!

  6. Those pants….I’m speechless!

    • YES, they are too much and I think it’s an understatement.

    • we should write a letter to the pants

      • Definitely write a letter to the pants.

        If I ever saw someone wearing those pants, I would literally rip them off the person wearing them and burn them before they scar anyone else’s brain for life.

        It’s not on.
        Not on all.

        • I will write a letter to the pants.. I have inspiration!!!

  7. There are simply so many. Where do I start? Well, let’s see,
    ["DO ME NOW, Rob.” On the back it could say, “Yes, here in the bar.”]
    hahahaha…*my stomach hurts*Hahahaa

    [Don’t tell him how much you like his music. He’ll know that’s just shit. And all you really wanna do is eff him.]….lol…lol..

    [Don’t ask him to meet you out by the dumpster. He doesn’t read our site so he won’t get it.]…lol

    You know girls I think he reads The Best Robert Pattinson site for god’s sake.
    I know, Robert, you do.

    The BEST ONE [Do: talk to him casually if you get an opportunity. Tell a funny joke, and while he’s laughing, casually slip a GPS tracking device into his pocket. Thank him and say good bye (Yes, YOU initiate the end of the convo) Then, high-tail it to your car and follow him back to his hotel. Pull out your stashed maid costume and follow him to his room. You play “maid,” and he can play dude who’s getting laid]

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

    I love you girls. I really do.

    • Oh one more thing. The Don’ts are very helpful. Thank you girls. I am not sure about the DO’s but I like the ‘send him drink and stay the hell away’

    • the best part is that last night i was chatting with a friend (while drunk, when i wrote this post) who said her hubby doens’t play anything fun- just plays “dude who’s getting laid.” I said “and i’m stealing that”

      i couldn’t be funny w/o my hilarious friends! also.. if you met me in real life, you’d be so bored.. i’m sooooo not funny

      • Dude. I so hear you.

        Something about being able to think about my thoughts before writing them sometimes creates the clever and the funny and the witty that I feel I SOOOO am NOT in real life. I’m just not that fast. I’ve been told I’ve had some witty one-liners that I don’t realize I’ve just said, so there’s hope. :-P

        • I am so with you on that one. When you write you can be funny more than once but when you are talking to somebody, let’s just say conventional. I don’t think I am funny, I mean my comments are pretty corny/cheesy at times and oh so boring. And if I dare to even compare my comments to your comments(LTR Girls), I don’t think I will feel confident to write anything here.

  8. Dear Rob:

    I know what you are thinking: “What the…?” But please understand that UC and Moon are great gals and they tend to think the best of people. But you and me know better. No matter what they do (or don’t do) all the women that get near you are sluts — except for me and UC and Moon, of course (and your mom and sister, obviously!).

    I know it sounds harsh but we know it’s true. Each and every one of them want nothing but getting into your pants. Yes, even the old lady next to you in the escalator at LAX on Sunday night.

    Please don’t be mad at them. They can’t help it after all. It’s not their fault that you are so incredible hot and doable. And you should empathize because after all everything YOU want is getting into MY pants.

    So if they smile, smile back. Sign autographs. Even have your pic taken with them. And if they wear the Twilight T-shirt or the ugly pants, be sorry for them. It means they haven’t discovered Moon and UC’s brilliant blog yet.

    Love,

    ANDREA

    • hahaha. even the old lady- YOU ARE AMAZING!! xoxo

      • Thanks!! But you 2 are amazing!! Funniest blog ever!! =O)

      • @Andrea – one more exception please. I stare at his eyes instead of his *ahem* jewels[?]

        • But maygirlg! All of you say the same but everything you want is to have your wicked ways with MY Rob!!!

          =O) LOL (O=

  9. Outstanding! you guys are awesome! too funny!

  10. LOL
    To “THE” list:
    -> buy some maid costume
    -> not forget the GPS
    -> cut off the pants…

    LMAO!
    Those pants… *blank* I have no words. And I speak in at least 2 different languages.
    UGH!

    • haha… i don’t’ think ANY language has the correct words to respond to THE PANTS!

  11. OMG!!!! The ‘pants’. Yes it has to be those pants, for the love of all that is holy and good!

    I think I weed my self! Sooooo funny guys. Srsly!

    I LOL so hard I’m in pain.

    Do me now Rob, yes in the bar….
    You guys rock, you do, know this! xoxoxo

    • YES! Our first laugher in pain! We were hoping for one soon :)
      xoxo

  12. Oh and how about compiling a list of…

    ‘You know you have it bad for Rob when’…list?

    I’m sure there would be a smorgasbord of delightful tidbits to share. Hee!

    • I agree.

    • LOVE it. drafting the idea now XOXO

  13. Laughing out loud. Again!

    You girls crack me up, big style :)

  14. Those pants complete with the shirt and homemade ked Twilight saga, just scream classy chick so wanting to band you Rob! Run from her, Run very fast and ackwardly away from her! You can run to me. LOL

    You chickas crack me up!

    • you know.. wearing the black twi t-shirt WITH the pants MIGHT be okay… hmmm.. i’ll have to have Moon ‘shop something up as an example….

  15. LMAO Good tips ladies.

    But you didn’t cover the whole crying thing. What if we meet him and cry? Should we say we stubbed our toe or something? Or totally say that our dog died? You know Rob LOVES his dog. Hmm I may have just found a way to get “in”.

    • haha.. you’re right! totally forgot about crying. That’s DEF a big no-no (of course unless your dog really DID die!)

    • Tiffany, I like your style, I am afraid I am going to have to nick your idea.

      I have 2 spaniels, hope Rob likes spaniels :)

    • Oh my god! I’ve been thinking that my dog is my “in” for a while! Except she’s a pit bull and she would totally eat his poofy-ass-pansy dog.

  16. I notice you didn’t mention a DON’T being having a blog that is dedicated to wanting to DO Rob. ;)

    Good list. We have a MLB player’s son who is in our son’s class. We see him, we ignore him like we do every other parent or acknowledge him in the same fashion as we do every other parent.

    So if you see Rob, send him a drink, follow his cue but don’t do unto him what you would not have unto you — respect, privacy, courteous and respectful interaction and if you’re one of the lucky ones — an O he will never forget.

    • hahahahahaha “an O he will never forget.” oh if only…

  17. Awww, that’s so sad!

    Srsly, those kinds of people SUCK!

    They are so 2nd-hand embarassing! It makes me cringe!

    Best lines:

    “Do: Be honest. Wear a shirt that, on the front, says “DO ME NOW, Rob.” On the back it could say, “Yes, here in the bar.”

    “Tell a funny joke, and while he’s laughing, casually slip a GPS tracking device into his pocket. ”

    LOLz!! :-D

    Oh! And thanx girls for jumping INTO my comment yesterday to thank me! I was totally ROFL when I saw that! And you’re welcome! When I really get into something, I want everyone to love it like me so I can get quite manipulative and, um, bossy when I want to be. You want some (eye) candy little girl? Well, this hear lollipop is reeeeally good. Trust me. ;-)

    Ahahahahahah….

    You can boss ppl around all you want! Just jumpin’ in here for good times:) I could’ve replied… but.. nah!

  18. This post is exactly what I needed, UC! I’m going to be in Italy next month while they’re filming there, and I’ve been trying to think of a strategy.

    But first I have to figure out what I want – not sure whether I want to meet him at all or if I’d prefer to stay in the Robble/Fantasyland.

    BTW, I swear I made my plans before I ever heard of Rob…

    • i believe you! (kinda… :) ) seriously… send him a drink. look sexy (NOT slutty) and bump into him casually..

      can you get GPS devices in Italy?

      • I would assume so…

        So once I slip it into his pocket, we should be able to track him whenever he wears that pair of pants, and we won’t have to worry about it getting lost in the wash, since he never washes his clothes, right?

        Sounds like a plan…

        • I love your name. WA’s Darkward has the best quotes!

          M

          • Thanks, myria! I f_ing love Wide Awake! So well-written and compelling…

  19. You lost me at Dumpster Diving…that should be a Roblympic Sport! We would excel at that!

    Oh and I take exception to staring at his crotch being a don’t. If I’m gonna behave I need to be able to check out the goods.LOL

    • haha.. Roblympics… LOVE it!

      okay… well, i agree.. we DO need to know the answer to the “most important question EVER”… but be CASUAL about the crotch staring! like.. drop a penny at his feet and make it REALLY hard to find.. then just.. look up!

      • You are soooo on today UC!!!

        • She always on for Rob. Aren’t you UC?

        • She’s always on for Rob. Aren’t you UC?

  20. SOOOOOOO second hand embarrassed. What’s wrong with ppl like that?!

  21. And the shoes too… they’re painted with Twi stuff!! WTF?

    • seriously.. the longer you look at the pic, the worse it gets…

  22. I’m copnsidering bombarding the set with flyers advertising free 24-hr delivery of Hot Pockets and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, with a side of former lesbian, now confused (since fall 2008).

    Now just have to figure out how to keep the HP’s from defrosting on the plane…

    If this is bad fangirl behaviour, talk me down, ladies…

    • hahahahahahaha i LOVE it!

    • Did Rob seriously turn you to the other side? Wow – that’s some powerful manstuff! Only our Rob could do THAT!

      • I still like the ladies (so nice and soft), but HHH has me considering the merits of hardness, ifyaknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo.

        He is just pure sex, honestly.

        Hey Rob, when we hook up, feel free to bring Ashley. We might just let ya watch us first…

    • Holy crap! Rob turned a lesbo straight? That’s some powerful shiz he’s got!

    • “former lesbian, now confused (since fall 2008)” was exceptional.
      ROB HAS MAGICAL POWERS.

  23. Don’t ask him to meet you out by the dumpster. He doesn’t read our site so he won’t get it. He’ll probably just think you’re into trash and be turned off. Dammit!! That was my “in”. Hmm, maybe I’ll stick to using crotch sniffer dog, Sydney.

  24. I want you to know that I was steadily taking notes!! LOL I will definitely try to do the DO’s instead of the DON’Ts …note to self: invest in a GPS tracking system ASAP!!! LOL You girls are Da BOMB!!! (I know I went there!!! LOL) :)

    • Da BOMB dot com? cuz that’s my goal in life… :)

  25. I so needed this post this morning! *crying with laughter*

    I LOVE how you turned the last “do” around. It sounds so sweet and innocent and then becomes..well, us. ^^

  26. I love Pattinson Pants! She is too, too funny. I feel badly for her sometimes as she is the epitome of the “DON’T” when you meet Rob, but hey – if you wear those pants outside of the house – expect to get photographed!

    When we were at the Sam/Bobby show on Thursday I leaned over to Jessica and said “I think I see Pattinson Pants over there” – and she said, “I think I see a bunch of them!” LMAO! They were just very eager beavers….
    But, then I got up there and went all fan girl so who am I to talk? Hence, my big one and only DON’T:

    DON’T meet Rob! Keep the mystery alive. Smile from across the bar, bat your eyelashes, show some cleavage, let him see you while you’re writing a song…but under no circumstances do you actually SPEAK to him. No, No, NO! Because you will not be your usually charming self. You will not look like the reasonable, educated woman you are. No…you will wither into a babbling idiot that he will remember for all time. Do NOT do it! Keep the mystery alive – remain completely and utterly anonymous and smitten from afar….
    That’s MY number one rule anyway! I know my limitations :-)

    • Um… you are brilliant! Where were you last night when I was drunk and needed help? That last paragraph? READ IT PEOPLE!

    • Word, I plan on never meeting him. If he comes to Toronto I will ask DH to duct tape me to the chair until he leaves town!

      • EXACTLY! I want to the be the one woman who Rob is thinking about on the plane back from wherever while thinking “what was up with that cleavage showing, song writing mysterious girl from across the bar who paid me no attention!” I’d rather he remember me for that then as some chick who asked him to bite me…because seriously – do you think anyone actually PLANS on asking Rob that when they meet him? No, of course not. It just comes falling out with half of their brains because they are no longer in control of themselves. I do not trust myself – at all – Hubby has instructions to never let me be in the same city where Rob is for my own protection. Thusly, I have to cyber stalk him so that I know where he is at all times so that I know not to go there……WIN WIN if you ask me ;-)

        • hahaha. Best scenario, spot him from across the bar, make eye contact, get close enought to see how tall he is (I need to know that!) and then walk away.
          I have to say I didn’t embarass myself when I met Sam I was very cool on the outside (thanks to my Mexican friends at Corona LOL). But on the inside I was totally fangirl blacking out. I would be a f*cking blathering mess around Rob.
          Cyberstalking is the way to go WIN-WIN is right!

      • Amen sista – there’s no way to meet Rob and win him over in this crazy situation he’s in right now. No matter how hard you try or don’t try, you’ll just blend in with the crazy crowd no matter how effing fantastic you are. So give up hope and wait until he goes bald (it’s already started – not long to wait). Then swoop in.

        • LMAO I thought about the bald thing too. We need pics of his maternal grandmother STAT!

          Dear Rob,
          Promise me you’ll never get the Matthew McConaughey hair plugs. Embrace your follicularly challenged hairline like Sean Connery, he is still hot.
          Love
          JAG

          • oops meant maternal grandFATHER hahaha

          • I’m sure Rob starts the morning with KStew, coffee, JAGs site, and LTR.

          • Don’t mind me – I’m having reply issues again today. That last comment was meant for the bottom. In fact, I’m going to put it down there too.

  27. f_ingdelicious
    i will be in Italy too.. if i am lucky enough to meet him i will be polite, and not invade his personal space. not sure my friend will though..
    :o(

    • RUN from your friend then! ORRRRR let her get all crazy then “save” him from your friend!!!

    • Ummm…sure that’s what you think now – but take it from me – when he’s standing in front of you, you will go all fan girl. It happens every day. Just check out some of the fan encounters and you’ll see. Perfectly reasonable women become idiots. True story.

    • Bring a roll of duck tape (a la JAG) on your trip. Sounds like you’ll need it.

    • Cool that you’ll be in Italy, too! Keep a tight leash (or duct tape) on that friend.

      Sounds like you’re confident you’ll be able to keep your cool. I worry that I would turn into a puddle of melted-panty goo and say a bunch of silly/fangirl/obsessive things.

      I kinda like the idea of sending a drink and leaving him alone. If he wants to come thank me, he can feel free. I’ll just try to be the mysterious, sexy, silent type (because if I open my mouth I’ll squeeeee), and try to restrain myself from offering to meet him behind the dumpster…

  28. Loved this. Can’t believe it actually had to be written, but some people just don’t know where to draw the line. hahahahah!

    “Second hand embarrassment” is such a great term. Thanks for making it up!

  29. UC this is HILARIOUS! and uh…I totally took notes. and I promise if I ever meet him, I won’t mention that I moderate a forum about him.

    My favorite line: Pull out your stashed maid costume and follow him to his room. You play “maid,” and he can play dude who’s getting laid. LOVE IT.

    • yes, i should’ve prefaced my brilliant work with the need for a notepad & paper :)

  30. As a man who now struggles with his sexuality since Twilight came out, I’d like to be the first to say that the “DO ME NOW – Rob – Yes, Here in the Bar” shirt idea does not work. I am now banned from every bar in Brooklyn, got beat up by some drunk frat boys outside, and got date raped / lost my virginity to Rob Schneider instead. FML.

    • OMG… why do i heart you so bad!?

    • UNICORN!

    • Yay! A unicorn! Welcome!

    • @Ryan you need to move to Atlanta. The “DO ME NOW – Rob – Yes, Here in the Bar” shirt would be a big hit here. We have no shame down south. We have dudes walking around in ass-less chaps. I’m sure if you wore the “DO ME NOW – Rob – Yes, Here in the Bar” shirt at the gay bar by house you would get you some lovin fo sho. I see guys getting it on in the street all the time. :-) There is also this guy who works at the Borders by my house and is really into Twilight and Rob. When I went to get my RobQ he squeed just a bit when I checking out. I think he would prob do u too. ;-)

      • ryan’s actually very straight and married to one of my very best friends in the world :)

        but he pretends….

        • Darn it. Now I’m gonna have to call dude at Borders and let him know I don’t have a nice boy for him. He was so excited I found I guy who was into to Twilight and Rob. He’s gonna be all sad face the rest of the day. ;-) LOL!!!

  31. Great comments this AM, Ladies! I’m laughing RIGHT back with you.

    and i’ll be honest, I even laughed at my own post.. but I’m not kidding when I say I was drinking & have no idea what I posted. Ask Kristin & Moon.. I was also emailing them and I have a feeling the emails didn’t make sense..
    :)

    JUST SAY NO to the PATTINSON PANTS!

  32. This has just become one of my most favorite letters ever. The tips are well thought out, hysterical and absolutely spot on!!

    Thanks for making me giggle uncontrollably this morning!!

  33. oh man..I am again laughing unti I cry..thanks again UC and Moon for making my day. I wish Rob WOULD read these letters. I seriously think he would laugh too..
    luv you ladies..!

  34. You all Girls..oops..,!? Ladies are yummy, not in the Rob kind of way , of course.
    I feel the same way, all your pointers are Ms. Manners Perfect.

    I hope some day to put them to good use before our MEGA STAR becomes completely insulated. :(

    LOL

  35. I swear when I saw the pants…I had flashbacks to 1992 – New Kids On the Block concert with my painted Keds and fangirl teeshirt…cut off blue jeans….

    Yes, people…the 80′s called. Cindy Lauper wants her pants back.

  36. Toooooo funny!!!! I think it’s even FUNNIER that you had no idea you were being so stinkin’ funny! The fact that you don’t know your being funny (albeit when you’re drunk as a skunk) is as endearing as Rob not knowing how freakin’ wonderful he is. We may have to start a tribute blog to the two of you!

    That last pic just kills me. He looks like he’s in physical pain and that girl’s too much of a freak to even know it. Talk about 2nd hand embarrassing.

    And I may just have to paint your vision. Although I don’t think I’d use that hefty $4.00 commission for a new black shirt. I’ll save it to buy Rob a beer some day, while I surreptitiously bat my eyelashes at him from across the way.

    • go grab letterstounintendedchoice.com quickly :)

  37. May I add one more “don’t” to the list?

    Please don’t show Rob your Twilight tattoo. In fact, you may not want to show it to anyone.

    http://www.bellasugar.com/3023140

    • Whoa…

    • um.. i’d say just NEVER get a twilight tattoo!

    • Wow. just wow. I do not even have words to describe those tattoos. The giant one of the Edward/Bella Twilight promo poster is……..wow… big. I am speechless.

      lpb

      • Yes, the Edward/Bella one is particularly cringe-worthy IMO. I mean, why? WHY???

    • I’m gonna echo Sass on this one, “Whoa…”

    • Oh my god! The apple! I freaking came up with that idea in a post a few weeks ago – BUT I WAS KIDDING! Wow. Who knew someone (many someones) would actually do it!

      And one of those tattoos had my name in it. Holy crap. It’s a very uncommon name too. It’s not my tattoo I swear (the only tat I have is of a dolphin – I was drunk off my ass and had just gotten back from a day of fishing – so freaking original I am).

      A bite mark tat on the wrist?? No words.

    • wow. that cut my laughter right the hell off. simply speechless.

    • Those are just beyond words. Oh my.

    • HOLY CRAP! I can not believe that I just saw 52 pictures of twilight tattoos a few concerns and observations about this link
      1. Almost every tattoo looks like the tattoo “artist” was a in fact, a drunk 4 grader.
      2. Notice every arm that was chubby, every ankle was a cankle, and every back had backne. and the chick with the chest piece… OUT OF CONTROL!!!
      3. who the hell are these people? they are either delusional people over 18 or kids whose parents feel so bad about not spending time with them, that they allowed them to get these craptastic tattoos.
      4.Finally where did they find an artist to do this for them? I have several friends who are tattoo artists who would NEVER approve any of these designs… its called artistic integrity… oh wait, I think my 1st observation explains my 4th….

  38. I was completely agreeing with you, and laughing along with each Do & Don’t commandment you have graciously passed down to us who follow you (and Rob)…and suddenly I realized what’s sitting on my blog this very moment. A pic of me & Gil Birmingham…and I’m in a slutty top. LMAO! For what it’s worth I was totally encouraged to stop & talk to him by Kellan as I was on my way back to a hotel bar with my girls, and completely talked into taking the pic by a friend’s hubby…LOL. That makes it a little better, right? Kinda? I promise not to do it to Rob. Unless Kellan and my friend’s hubby make it happen for me. Then I’m not responsible. Except for the slutty top…that’s totally on me.

    • oh you can wear slutty tops around Gil.. that’s TOTES fine!

    • Kellan? Like in Kellan LUTZ…??????????
      So you were wearing a sluty top around Kellan??????

      Bad, bad girl!!!
      (I’M THE ONE who should be doing that!)

      =O)

  39. Those pants are hillarious. And, um, I kind of want a pair but I’m pretty sure there is no way I can swing any sort of ‘ironic’ in those pants.

    On that note – I know what I’m getting STY for her birthday… and she BETTER wear them!

    You guys slay me. This was great!

    • You might be able to find yourself a pair at your local goodwill. Then all you need is a sharpie and a bedazzler and you’re set.

    • Is it wrong that I think those pants are hilarious, and kind of awesome in a way? I mean, she had to make them to be funny, right? She wasn’t planning on meeting Rob and saying “Hi Rob, nice to meet you, look, your face is just inches from my crotch!”…That’s going to be MY line!

      • It is wrong. Feel like it’s dirty.

        • @WTM – so hilarious! Great quote.

      • :O) LOL (O:

        “Hi Rob, nice to meet you, look, your face is just inches from my crotch!”

        You made me cry of laughing!!!! I got a very, very dirty thought with that line!!

  40. @UC
    I love this post!!!! Laughing at ‘casually slip a GPS Tracking Device into his pocket’!!! EXCELLENT!
    I like the way you think! <3

  41. *wiping tears from my eyes* UC, this is freakin hilarious! I’m investing in a GPS device ASAP.and an airbrushed-at-the-boardwalk black T shirt that says: ROB: The dumpster out back.RIGHT NOW!!! Oh,and yeah, he totes read this site.he can’t be looking at his own IMDb all the time now if he has this blog to read and giggle on and maybe snort that beer he’s drinking when he reads this awesome letter

    • haha.. i’d DIE if he read this

      • The question is. If any of us ever has the chance to talk to him and… you know, actually utter a coherent sentence… would you like us to tell him about this blog or not?

  42. I’m sure Rob starts the morning with KStew, coffee, JAGs site, and LTR.

  43. LOL that was the greatest ever!

    im gonna look into the shirt that says “meet me by the dumpster”
    haha ive got a shirt that says “save a volvo ride a vampire” and it has a picture of a car at the bottom left. :D

    the pants are hideous tho.. omggg.. the poor guy!

    • “save a volvo ride a vampire”

      =O) LOL (O=

      • :D i know.. i love it!
        tho now, the shirt that says “do me now, rob” is a nxt choice

  44. The return of the PattinPants! LMFAO!

    UC you did it again, another slam dunk. You should do more drunk blogging, cause you are on fiyah!

    I think if I ever had a run in with Rob at a bar, I’d buy him a beer (Heini or Stella) then invite him to go outside for a smoke. Just do a little chit chat and leave it at that.

    Then if everything goes smoothly, I’d keep buying him beers (cuz drunk Rob is really hot) and then get him into a cab to go back to his hotel and then I can whip out the maid outfit and Rob gets laid. WIN!

    • Hell just slip him a ruffie. Why get him drunk – cut to the chase. Although carrying a 6’2″ man might be difficult.

      • You gotta a point there!

        But yes, then I would need help and I don’t want any help in getting Rob laid ifyouknowwhatimsayingandithinkyoudo!

        Oh, unless Simba was with Rob and could help – then that would be an EPIC WIN!

        • I’m 6 feet tall – I could help you. You’d have to duck tape me outside the door but I swear I’d leave you alone. Hubby wins today (KOL tickets for my bday). Rob is #2. The feeling may last a while so whenever you’re ready, we can find Rob together.

          • Hey that’s very unselfish of you!

            I got KOL tickets for my bday too! TWINNERS! We have good hubs.

            Totes switch off between Hubs and Rob. Ain’t nothing wrong!

        • YEAH!!!! Robert Thomas Sandwich=EPIC WIN!!!

  45. Morning Ladies and Unicorns!
    Love the letter. Agree gotta keep the fangirl on the DL. I was prob too fangirl when I meet b.long and Sam. Oh well, they prob won’t remember me.

    PattinsonPants is killing me. Come on lady!!!

    Agree with JAG not gonna be able to not look at the goods. Hello!!! I’ve made 2 videos dedicated to the RobCrotch. :-) I gotta check the crotch out for research for future videos.

    Stupid internet is still down. Boss came in and set up dial-up connection. OMG it is soooooo slow. It took 10 minutes to getting LTR load.

    • Hey Carrie!

      Yeah, I don’t think I could stop from staring at the RobCrotch. I can honestly say that Rob is the first guy I’ve actually crotch stared at.

      What can I say? I’m dazzled by the Robnana!

      • My gift to you on this Tuesday

        http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt220/kamoie/toofunny.jpg

        http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt220/kamoie/wow.jpg

        • I <3 U!

        • I think I saw outline of the peen!!!

          *THUD*

          I.AM.DIED!!!

          • On the suspender shot it’s on the leg NOT stepping forward *thud poff*

        • JAG you rock! *smooches*

      • Hi Ceri!!!! :-)

        I’m such a crotch slut now. Whenever I’m out now I totally check out guy’s crotches. Darn You Robert Thomas Pattinson for having such a hot crotch!!!

        • I can’t, I just can’t with any other man. No one will ever replace RobCrotch for me. LOL!

          Its ruined with the hubster, the mystery is gone, I know all about the yummy goodies he’s hiding. But I still want to see Rob’s goodies!

          But a Robert Thomas sandwich is an EPIC WIN! I’ll call you when we’re done for your turn. hee hee

        • Carrie! Did I ever tell you that your signature on the forum ” simba’s one true love!” kills me everytime I see it?!! * wipes tears of laughter*

    • OME!!! Your avatar!!!!!! =) LOL

  46. My plan:
    Learn to smoke but don’t get addicted.
    Wear black tshirt, no bra.
    Sit at the end of the bar and ignore Rob.
    When he goes out to smoke by the dumpster, follow.
    Smoke, give Rob the fellow smoker nod, keep ignoring him.
    Pretend to be cold and bounce ever so slightly, jiggling boobs, still ignoring.
    Ignore while Rob moves closer, jiggle, ignore, closer…
    Proceed with brilliant GPS/Hotel maid/dude who’s getting laid scenario.

    • sound like a plan to me….lol

    • hahaha

    • Dammit – that was my plan. Maybe we can do it together – add in the girl on girl action to our trap. I have a french maid’s costume in my closet – so I’m ready as soon as you are.

  47. Ohhh the Pants – they get me every time. lol…and I would totes be that girl asking him to dumpster dive. While staring at his Robnana…just sayin. :)

    • “staring at his Robnana”….hahahaha!!

  48. I just have no idea what would posess a grown woman to wear those pants…

    • i’m SURE i mean, i HAVE to believe she was trying to be funny.. but it’s not. it’s creepy! and i’m SO glad she did it.. b/c i love to write about it

  49. Damn…I should really know better than to try and drink anything while reading this blog! Here I am at work, trying to be all incognito and immediately I am hit with the pants. And a snort/laugh/spewing of starbucks on my laptop ensued. Soooo….my attempt at reading this all covert was shot….and lots of weird looks were thrown my way.

    Totally worth it though…you guys make my whole day!! :) :)

    PS– fave part was imagining a painting of the pants with you guys and rob on a Unicorn. Genius.

    • oh crap.. do we owe you a new computer?

      i want someone to paint that.. for serious..!

    • oh crap.. do we owe you a new computer?

      i want someone to paint that.. for serious..!

  50. wow…silent I can remain no more! Those pants are insanely scary! *shutters*

    Loving this site makes me laugh and lust over Rob!

    • SO glad those pants made you speak up!! welcome mo!!!


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