Posted by: themoonisdown | October 15, 2009

The TRUE STORY behind OK Magazine’s Robsten cover!

All the gory, intimate details!

All the gory, intimate details!

Dear Rob,

I have to apologize for something… it seems OK magazine got a hold of something I meant to send to a different email address and instead of UK Rob FanFiction Contest I sent it to the OK Magazine tips email address. Oops! It seems they’ve mistaken my entry in the One Shot Robsten Fan Fiction contest* as an actual first hand account of you and Kristen together in what I called your “palatial pad” in Vancouver. Boy, you can imagine my embarrassment a having to show you this. As you’ll read you can see where they got their information about Jacuzzi’s and home cooked meals and sing-a-long’s by the fire place. Of course they put their tabloid spin on things but I still feel like you should read it to see where all those details came from.

So here it is:

Story Title:

Inside Our Home
A Robsten One shot for the UK Rob FanFiction Contest

KPOV

*Ring Ring*
“Alright, thanks just throw it in the bag, I gotta jet!” I told the sales clerk as my blasted cell rang for the 5th time. I knew it was Rob by the “Shaft” ringtone he’d chosen. He was back at the palatial pad we sometimes called home. But really, what’s home when you’re 19 and 23? We were shooting a movie and in an effort to keep us off the streets and out of paparazzi’s waiting cameras the studio rented us both hotel rooms at the Sheraton Wall Centre that could marvel the best the Pocono’s had to offer. I mean where else can you find a jacuzzi shaped like a champagne glass IN a hotel room? Gaudy it most definitely was. Right down to the living room they redecorated for us. All plaid. I guess hotel decorators get their inspiration from gossip magazines and blogs these days.

Read the WHOLE story after the cut

*Ring Ring*
“What do you want?!” I breathed into the offending object just to get it to stop playing that embarrassing music while I was in public. I mean I have the reputation of being super cool to up hold after all!

“Well, glad to hear your voice too sunshine!” Rob said answered sarcastically as I eyed the sales clerk as she shoved the rest of my purchases into the bag. They knew me here at Vancouver’s Wear it Again vintage store so they were used to my impromptu trips to see the latest in flannel and vintage concert tees. They knew that even though I wasn’t around in 1983 I would still be understatedly psyched about a Def Leppard tshirt that I could perfectly knot at my waist.

“Yea, yea, yea. What’s going on?”

“Why don’t you come over to OUR place tonight cause I’m making a home cooked meal!” Rob asked enthusiastically.

“On my way!” I replied ripping the bag out of the sales clerks hand while throwing my hood over my mullet. After all it was raining outside and it took me two weeks of not washing it to get it to this stage. I made a mad dash for the hotel running the whole way with my head ducked down. The paparazzi didn’t seem to care as I ran by with my purchases and straight to the elevator. All I could hear were distant shouts of “Where’s Rob?” Ugh.

RPOV

She was on her way and all I had left to do was remove the wrappers from our dinner before this night of total ecstasy could begin. What would she think of the poetry I had written for her? Would she enjoy the dinner I was slaving over? Did I brush my teeth today? So many questions ran through my brain as the doorbell to the palatial pad rang.

I opened the door as she brushed by me to get out of the hallway. She was weighed down with a heavy bag from Wear It Again, OUR favorite store for used clothing. My mind raced with the possibilities of what the bag could hold. Gently worn lingerie? A new-old leather jacket for me? Perhaps some tweed? Kristen had seen me eying Edward’s wardrobe on set many times and to be honest I think the feel of the heavy, itchy, grandpa-like fabric really got her going.

“Here let me help you out of that hoodie” I said taking both her shoulders in my hands. My breathing hitched as she slowly removed the sloppy hooded sweat shirt to reveal an oversize men’s XXXL red plaid shirt. She lifted her eyes to look at me from under her lashes. And I froze. Would she let my borrow that shirt? If not, would she know I stole it from her after she passed out on the balcony?

“What are you staring at?!” she asked walking towards the kitchen in search of dinner. “Hmmm something sure smells delicious!” She sniffed the air. “Is that pepperoni?” Her favorite. Of course it was, I wasn’t born yesterday.

“Only, the best for you! None of that three cheese broccoli nonsense! I demanded pepperoni and they found it. Just for you!” And me, but I wasn’t about to tell her that. This was my last box of pepperoni and I don’t just share unless I want something. I haven’t gotten laid in 3 weeks. No more of this cuddling, getting-into-character shit. She was gonna eat my pepperoni and she was gonna like it!

She cocked an eyebrow at me as she stared at the microwave. “I’m pretty sure entering time and pressing start on a microwave does NOT equal home cooked meals but I guess I can let it slide since it’s pepperoni.”

Yup, she loved my pepperoni.

The microwave dinged letting us know our delicious home cooked meal was ready to be eaten. I handed her the Hot Pockets, still in their little cardboard cases (no need to wash dishes later!) and grabbed the bottle of Boone’s Farm I had picked up just for the occasion and led her to the living room where we plopped down on the bearskin rug in front of the fireplace. As I unscrewed the cap on the wine her eyes stared at the wine bottle, hungrily licking her lips. I was a genius! What 19 year old girl doesn’t love some tasty Strawberry Hill wine? Boone’s Farm is an underage girls Kyrptonite. Oh yes, she would be putty in my hands, especially after my next treat.

“You better fill my glass to the top or I’m going to eat my pepperoni AND yours!” She taunted as I almost dropped the glass. I needed to get a hold of myself before I did something rash. Like rip that plaid shirt off of her and run away. But I couldn’t after all we still had to listen to the Rolling Stones, read poetry AND luxuriate in the jacuzzi shaped like a champagne glass.

After we scarfed down our meal of crispy, crunchy, tender flakey crusts I wiped the remaining grease off my hands on the white bearskin rug. She must have thought this was hella sexy because she shook her head at me. OH YES, you just wait!

Luckily my guitar was handy so I grabbed it to begin playing the impromptu set list I had created while waiting for her to get back from the Vintage store.

“I can’t get no satisfaction, I can’t get no girly action
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

When I’m ridin’ round the world and I’m doin’ this and I’m signin’ that
And I’m tryin’ to make some girl, who tells me
Baby, better come back maybe next week
‘Cause you see I’m on a losing streak
I can’t get no. Oh, no no no. Hey, hey, hey, that’s what I say…”

“Are you singing Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones? I really can’t tell cause you’re mumbling but WHY?”  She asked as she scrunched up her face while looking at her IPhone.

“Um, cause Mick is the man… and well don’t you think the lyrics…um… work well?”

“Work well for what?! This situation? Cause god knows ONE Hot Pocket isn’t going to fill me up. Pass me that Boone’s!”

“Ugh, you act as if we’re already an old married couple! Can’t you enjoy it when I want to give you something of ME instead of drinking?”

I sat there staring at her as she drank Strawberry Hill straight from the bottle. Maybe I should move on to my next tactic!

“How about we jump in the jacuzzi? I’ve got a special treat for you once we’re in there!”

“This special treat better not be like the last time when we played “find the submarine” cause that was NOT a submarine!” Kristen called over her shoulder as she went to change into more appropriate attire.

We both emerged at the same time stopping to stare at each others swim clothes. Her plaid tank top and worn out plaid boxer shorts mirrored my own worn out plaid boxer shorts. It was like we were meant for each other.

As we took our places in the champagne glass shaped jacuzzi I began reciting the special poetry I had written just for Kristen:

Your eyes are red
Your toes are blue
Boone’s is sweet
and you’re my KStew

The room was deathly silent after I poured my heart out in poetry form to her motionless body on the other side of the jacuzzi where she still clung to the Boone’s bottle like it was a lifeline. Her eyes were closed in what seemed like reverence for my skill with the metered rhyme.

“So uh… what do you think?” My heart jumped in my chest as I asked her this question, her answer would make our break our night and my 3 week drought. I waited.

*soft nasally breathing*

“Kristen?!”

*soft nasally breathing*

The bitch was passed out and I was all alone with nothing but an empty bottle of 3 dollar wine and and NO Hot Pockets to drown my sorrows in!

I took in her lifeless form again, now more audibly snoring. This was the perfect chance to steal that shirt she had been wearing today. Who cares if she needs to walk outside tomorrow in front of the paps and has no shirt? I guess she shouldn’t have passed out in the jacuzzi! Sucks to be her I thought as I jumped out of the jacuzzi and ran in search of that beautiful piece of fashion.

*Fade to Black*

So as you can see OK Magazine must have accidentally mistook my beautiful piece of fan fiction for a real life account of yours and Kristen’s life while filming in Vancouver. I guess they didn’t bother to check their sources and facts from an email received from Robstenlovesisforrealsyall@gmail.com I mean, that email couldn’t be speaking anything but truth, right?

I hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and enjoy this piece of fiction in your spare time.

Getting NO satisfaction OR robbie action,
Themoonisdown

PS I will now be accepting applications for a beta. ;)

*NO dear God I did NOT write a one shot ROBSTEN fanfic NOR did I sent it to OK Magazine. And NO there is not a UK Rob Fanfic contest. This whole thing has been a product of my WAY over active imagination*

What do you think of this story, the OK one! Have they finally stepped over the line? How can they print “blatant lies” and get away with it? Do you want an all plaid living room? I do.

Share your own fanfic in The Forum
2 bloggers face off at LTT

PSSST: Our fav RobPorn creater Zephyersky entered a Jasper FanFic contest along with LTT/LTR pal Pange. See Zeph’s page here. Click on “VOTE NOW” at the top right and then search for “Zephyersky” and “Pange” and vote for them! (3 stories total!) You have to have a fanfic account to vote.  GOOD LUCK GALS!

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Responses

  1. Totally BS.
    Seriously, I work in a newsagency and when I see the mags I just roll my eyes. Out of the 6 weekly mags here in Oz, the majority will have at least some sort of Robsten thing on the cover.
    Lamespice! (holla! BBL)

    xox

    • get “your people” (those news folks) in line! ;)

    • I don’t really care anymore.. but because of this story..
      I’m with the nonstene family. -Just because the stories coming out insisting the couple thing are so irritating and are so full o’ crap. I can’t help myself.
      Love the fanfic as always….. I would rather see THAT movie than New Moon
      (gasp! I said something sacreligious!) I will be burned a the Twilight stake for that!.

      Anyway.. I can’t wait for a TomStu/Robbie reunion…
      TomStu (le sigh) my little cupcake. :)
      Order ofthe plaid rules!
      Bros (no) hoes.

  2. Must post 1st – You had me at shaft ringtone ROFLMAO now reading rest !!!

  3. That was beautiful. I bow down to your awesomeness.

    “We both emerged at the same time stopping to stare at each others swim clothes. Her plaid tank top and worn out plaid boxer shorts mirrored my own worn out plaid boxer shorts. It was like we were meant for each other.”

    So poetic.

    • Fangbanger are you in my head today?

      Matching plaid swimwear win! I must find me some plaid swimwear from somewhere.

      Moon – amazing, once again had to explain to colleagues why I was hysterical at my desk. I now just reply with “Moon” or “UC” – I know they don’t know exactly what I’m talking about, but they get it.

      • It does appear that I am a mind reader. ;)

      • She does that crap!! All the time, Fang is out there speaking my thoughts, she just gets up earlier than the rest of us!!

        • I do have responsibilities, you know. I would gladly sleep until noon everyday if I could. ;)

    • that was my fave part too! also “find the submarine”. you’re silly.

    • Who are we kidding?! The entire thing was poetry, but I especially dug Rob’s poem. I mean, who knew the man was the next Bard? REALLY?! I’m impressed with Rob’s rhyming skills.

      • someone get him to the globe theater stat!

  4. Moon, the publishers will be knocking at your door after reading your wonderful piece of literature. Your story was all kinds of WIN!!! I’d rather read your version of events anyday, than the bullshit they print in these magazines! Go Moon!

    • FINGERS CROSSED!!! book deal here i come!

  5. So many good things in this post – I like how you used “scarfing” it always bugged me when I read that in which ever of the books it was in (Eclipse ?) what does it mean, is it even a real word ??? a great funny post.

  6. Aw, sit, Moon, you brought the funny today!

    I think that you may need to post your wiki answers link about sarcasm…I feel TammyO’s energy rising from the gates of Hale today!

    Also? Have you written fanfic? Because while this is totally funny, I would love to see you write a lemon-y one shot even. Do it!

    • hahahahahahahhaahhahahahahaha

      We talked about this Moon. We did.

      DO IT

      • Let us know when and where we can read it (but it would be hard (that’s what she said) to top today’s column!!

    • lemons?! oh lord. i dont know if i could. it would have to be a joint effort with UC. HAHAHA

  7. “This special treat better not be like the last time when we played “find the submarine” cause that was NOT a submarine!” LMAO !!!!!
    Can you explain me the gamerules?
    I want to play this game when it’s Halloweennight. DH with the Robwig and me with the Kstew mullet on. Thank you so much. xxx

    PS I will send the pictures to OK magazine.

    • maybe that’ll be my follow up! rob explaining the rules. the prequel

  8. “Palatial pad” sounds like a feminine hygiene product.

    • mwahahaahahahaha

    • I kept reading it as ‘palatial plaid’ and thought it was totally hilarious. Until I noticed I just can’t read.

      • ‘Palatial plaid’ gives a whole new meaning to the post!

        Btw, my mom had a green and red plaid couch when I was little. Just remembered that. I wonder if their pad has the same couch.

      • Ha! I kept reading it like that as well. It’s perfect either way.

      • Palatial plaid pad

    • Do you think Kstew has PLAID pads? Just a thought.

      • Either a plaid pad, or one of these: http://tinyurl.com/yzvwzpb

        • Holy shit………… I nearly screamed out loud in laughter…. Are you trying to get me fired?! And I need to buy some of those… as a gag gift, I swear!

    • with WINGS!

  9. omg that was the funniest thing ever written! I have a cold and coughed every time i laughed.. i sounded like i was dying- it was that funny!!!
    ““Here let me help you out of that hoodie””ahahahahahaaa

  10. Hot pockets & Boone’s Farm!!!

    There is nothing else to say. That was hysterical!

  11. Ya’ll never cease to amaze me – or put me in hysterics first thing every morning as I get to work and log on to see what you’ve come up with next! I’m SO laughing my @ss off right now. This post is EPIC!

  12. Dear Rob,

    I hope you enjoy time in your “palatial pad” today. I just thought you should know that it is me & Mr. Fang’s 6 year dating anniversary. When that hott football player asked me, the little bookworm/bandnerd out & I answered “sure”, I felt twenty times better than I ever did looking at your beautiful photos. Sorry Rob. Although you say you can’t get a date, I don’t believe you. At all. I hope that someday you will have something as beautiful as what Mr. Fang & I have. Where he yaps about Cameros but I ignore him. Where I talk on and on about books and he doesn’t look at me until I mention that there is a car involved. Btw, Mr. Fang would give me the last pepperoni hot pocket anyday, regardless of whether or not he was “getting any.” Remember that Rob. :D
    <3 Me

    • Congrats on the anniversary!

      • Thank you! :D

    • Congratulations and totally concur! Except with Mr. P and myself, it would go something more like this:

      Mr. P: . . . mumble, mumble . . . cows . . . mumble, mumble . . . tractor . . . mumble . . . damn rain.

      Me: . . . drool . . . Muse is great. . . uhhhhhh . . . leave me a lone, it’s fanfiction . . . finishmidgnightsunalready.

      I have to give mass props to Mr. P. He has handled 90% of dinner duty with nary a complaint for the last several weeks. While I hid in our room or out on the porch reading fanfiction.

      • Mr. Fang is always in charge of dinner. I always have to do “homework” which often involves Mafiaprinceward, The Fallout & of course, LTT/LTR. When he comes to talk to me, I immediately pull up my HW site and ask him something complicated. He runs away everytime.
        ;)

        • Ahh, the tangled web we weave . . . when hiding fanfic up our sleeve . . .s.

        • mmmmm Mafiaprinceward – the mouth of Christopher Moltisanti but he looks like Cedric Diggory YUM

    • Congrats!

      We could be kindred spirits! Bookworm/cargeek. I’ve been married to mine for eleven years. I’m pretty sure he would give me the last hot pocket too. Although, I would probably have to heat it up myself.

  13. DAMMIT MOON! You knew I was a fanfic virgin! You tricked me!

    But since it was a joke story is this sort of like playing ‘just the tip’?

    • Anytime “just the tip” in mentioned an angel gets its wings. Le sigh…

    • yes.. you’re still technically a virgin.

      • Hooray for my fanfic hymen!

    • you’re still a virgin… I GUESS… but now you’ve got slutty tendencies

      • Well that’s nothing new.

        • You are awesome, Miss Jodie O.

  14. OMG Moon that was the best! Epic win today. I couldn’t stop laughing. That was the best Robsten fan fic ever. You get a fake hot pocket award for that one. Oh and I’d eat his pepperoni any day.

  15. That was so unbelievably hilarious. I am literally laughing so hard that I’m holding my stomach. There were so many fabulous lines – I don’t know which to quote.

    Ok – my favorites:
    “gently used lingerie”
    the poem – your toes are blue!
    Boones = underage girl kryptonite
    can’t understand his singing b/c he’s mumbling
    all the pepperoni jokes
    “I froze. Would she let me borrow that shirt?”

    Moon – I think you just made my day. I’ll be thinking about this all day and laughing to myself like the crazy person I am.

    And yes, I did look in all the check out aisles in the grocery store yesterday for this ridiculous issue of OK magazine, but I couldn’t find it, so I had to read the crazy Robsten article in last week’s OK. *hangs head in shame*

    • i wanna get this issue of OK just got the good fiction reading!

  16. “Your eyes are red
    Your toes are blue
    Boone’s is sweet
    and you’re my KStew”

    Epic. EPIC!

    Please start another blog and write nothing but this kind of delicious fanfic? Many thanks!

  17. “This special treat better not be like the last time when we played “find the submarine” cause that was NOT a submarine!” Kristen called over her shoulder as she went to change into more appropriate attire”

    I have the giggles now :)

    x

  18. Moon,
    All I can say is I love you.

    You and UC make work bearable – and freaking hilarious.

    Mmmm…Pepperoni Hot Pockets.

    • Word.

      Moon, I’m in love with you and UC. You guys totally make my day, and work somewhat bearable….although, I almost got busted snickering and trying to hide my laughter as I read through this whole post this morning. You’re totes incredible (that’s what she said).

    • work’s always better with you can laugh! glad we can help!

  19. Its just so romantic, the boozy lovestruck boy – Rob, the boozy mullety girl – Kstew. A shared love for worn plaid and pretentious novels <3

  20. Is there no end to your talents, Moon? Like Rob you are unfairly gifted. I hope you’ll be posting and updating this on Fanfiction and Twilighted.
    “She was gonna eat my pepperoni and she was gonna like it!” (fans self) That could’ve come right out of The Office.

    When I saw that OK story on my Rob Google alert I was amazed at their audacity. Who actually buys this crap? Not actual fans (I hope) because they should know better than to believe it. Yes, Rob and Kristen, two seemingly very private people, opened their “home” and lives to that bastion of journalistic integrity, OK Magazine. I hear they turned down Architectural Digest and House and Garden, too.

    • put me on your FF alerts!

  21. “No more of this cuddling, getting-into-character shit. She was gonna eat my pepperoni and she was gonna like it!”

    I don’t know where you come up with this stuff… And if you have to get drunk to come up with it, I am on my way to ship you more Boone’s Farm than you can handle!

  22. Can’t breath cuz I’m laughing so HARD!!! Thank’s again for making my day :)

  23. You know how there was past discussion on what could possibly make Rob less sexy?

    This whole story might have done that for me. At least temporarily.

    I need to go look at that Virgin Blue cover…

    • I dunno, Katie! I’m actually thinking pepperoni for breakfast might be nice!

      • But no way in Hale could I go that long without washing my hair. Sick to the nast.

  24. “Boone’s Farm, an underage girl’s Kryptonite.” = New LTR Classic.

    Bravo!

  25. Throw in a Beer Pong table and I’d swear this tale was the Holiest of Truths.

  26. I smell a Pulitzer prize for this work of genious. Keep your nose to the keyboard Moon and we will get you on Oprah’s book club.

    YOU get a Moon story, and YOU get a Moon story!

    • id rather have a car!

  27. “Would she let my borrow that shirt? If not, would she know I stole it from her after she passed out on the balcony?” Makes you wonder what else he does after she’s passed out.

    So, funny!!! I saw the article at the store buying Haunted Airman Tuesday night. The absurdity of it caused me to laugh out loud in line. The guy in front of me gave me this “what’s with you?” look, but I ignored him as he was wearing bunny slippers and rubber ducky yellow raincoat (12:30AM at Super Walmart. True story.)

    Now, I have to contend with the coworkers as Moon just caused the giggles all over again.

    • Where you at my Walmart?

      That sounds exactly like what people would wear there except for the guy would be on a electric wheelchair because he was too fat to walk around Walmart w/o getting tired.
      :D

      • The scooters must’ve been charging for the night. I was just happy he was wearing pants.

      • The obese people on the scooter thing is my biggest pet peeve. Those scooters are there for the truly handicapped and the elderly. Sorry. It had to be said.

        • TRUTH!

          • AND, who, just who makes the rules that it is acceptable to ride in said scooters with happy bunny pj pants on? In public. It’s those same damn people who ride around with their signal lights on at the first of the month, but they never turn anywhere.

    • you should have taken a pic and sent it to

      http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

      • If only I was that quick. I was a little taken aback by the “you are a crazy person” look he was shooting me. I just clutched my new Rob vid and put my head down.

      • Haha, I see those around here all the time! I should take pictures too, bwahaha.

      • Those people of walmart pictures are hilarious. There’s at least 20 of people with mullets….I know someone who would fit right in…. ;)

    • holly already made my suggestion about sending the pic to people of walmart – too bad you weren’t ready with the camera phone! Almost makes me sorry that we don’t have a Walmart within 10 miles of my home. Almost.

  28. Gently worn lingerie….I WAS eating while reading this. *puts down the egg mcmuffin*

    And btw to prove how CLASSY Boone’s is…it’s the first drink I got drunk off of. Freshman year of college. In an army barracks. Mixed with SoCo.

    That night, like KStew, I put the ass in class.

    • you always put the ass in class, Sass!

    • You mixed Boone’s with SoCo??? I can’t decide if I want to gag or go try it out for myself.

    • SEE underage girls dream!! dude boones and soco?! i think i may puke

    • holla for getting drunk in an army barracks!

      not for the soco tho, that stuff is yuckspice

  29. Oh Moon.. You’re such a talented writer. If that piece-of-shit magazine had any brains they would have offered you a weekly (or even better – daily) column. Now they just blew it and took all the credits and they set the bar way to high for themselves and will inevitably crash and burn.

    But, I have a solution. You can rub it in their face by starting your own ADVENTURES OF 2 HOBOS IN DA COUVE – PAYBACK IS A BITCH! column.

  30. “I mean where else can you find a jacuzzi shaped like a champagne glass IN a hotel room?”

    YES! As soon as I saw you reference the Poconos, I KNEW I would need to work the champagne glass jacuzzi into my comment. But then you read my mind and mentioned it for me. So soulmatey.

  31. P.S. Not that I don’t love you dearly, but I’m sporting a fan fic purity ring over here courtesy of a one JanetRigs… and I think that means today’s post is technically off limits for me. Unless joke fic doesn’t count as fan fic? Then I can finish reading…

    • It totally doesn’t count. Read it!

    • I’m going to say that it doesn’t technically count as fanfic because it’s not about Edward and Bella. Plus, it’s definitely worth it!

    • finish reading it you crazy person.

    • Haha! Coming from a non-fan fic-er – it’s fine. (and highly hilarious)

      • Oh ladies, when angstgoddess003 gets published, you non fan-fic-ers are gonna feel silly… she writes as good as that chic that wrote those Twilight books…. (oops, did I just type that out loud???)

        • I believe you! BUT I want my Edward to be a vampire, and my Bella to be a human, and everyone else in the exact same normal/supernatural state they come in Steph’s books – point me in that direction and I will read!

          • Read The Fallout! I mean it!

          • LolaShoes keeps everyone in their “natural state” and she’s good.

          • It’s not a matter of whether they’re vampires or not in the fan fic, it’s just that I like to keep the story as SMeyer intended. Also, I just REALLY don’t need another time suck. Blogs, twitter, AIM/gchat… it’s a miracle I have any life whatsoever (let alone a job).

    • Srsly, people. Give in to the fic. You know you want to.

      • I gave you a thumbs down. Because I don’t want to!

        • Sad face.

    • okokok! I finished reading it. When UC calls you crazy, you do what you’re told…

      It’s brilliant. And if it means giving up my purity ring, then it’s worth it. Anything for Moon’s comedic genius.

    • READ IT you whore! ;)

  32. My faves…

    “They knew me here at Vancouver’s Wear it Again vintage store so they were used to my impromptu trips to see the latest in flannel and vintage concert tees. They knew that even though I wasn’t around in 1983 I would still be understatedly psyched about a Def Leppard tshirt that I could perfectly knot at my waist.”

    “Would she let my borrow that shirt? If not, would she know I stole it from her after she passed out on the balcony?”

    “She was gonna eat my pepperoni and she was gonna like it!” LOL!

    btw, I LMAO at Calliope’s tweet last night about having to store canned goods in the jacuzzi because the pantry was filled with Coke, LOL!

    • I liked all her tweets, I favourited them all, enjoy everybody (I hope she doesn’t mind?):

      CalliopeBlabs Rob: whenever Taylor comes to visit this is the ONLY room he’ll hang out in. OKmag: the gym?
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs Rob: this is Kristen’s room where she dresses up in pink and sprays perfume K: *slams door shut* YOU WILL NOT PRINT THAT *gives bitchface*
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs K: this is our bar room. friday’s we hire people 2 come in here & give it the “authentic” atmosphere… we pay extra for fake bar fights.
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs Rob: this is the picture room… we’ve collected all our angst ridden photographs here… to remind of us of Kristen’s WANT
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs OKMag: is that a jail cell/torture chamber? K: yes OKmag: & is that a naked pic of rob in there? K: yes i’m trying 2 lure Nikki in there…
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs R: this room right here is empty now… but i’ve got plans to install an In-N-Out burger in here.
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs R&K: and we can’t show you this room. OK: why not? R&K: it’s the PLAID ROOM, you can’t go in unless you are wearing plaid.
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs so true. RT @KStew411: #visitstoRobandKrisplace K: And this is the biggest room in the whole house. We keep our chucks in here.
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs K: and we are using the jacuzzi to house all the can’s of chef boyRdee spaghetti… bc the pantry closet is full of coke.
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs #visit2R&KsPlace R: this used to be the bathroom but we are currently using the shower as a trophy room….
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs R: that’s our bong collection… we color coded them for different moods days. that way we just KNOW how the other is feeling.
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs K: *while knitting* this room here… is the nursery R: i thought you said it was going to be for the puppy? K: yeah… haha… of course…
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs r: umm…this room is the…K!? what the hell is this room? K: *scratches head* no effing clue OKmag: umm that’s the laundry room R&K: what?
      about 22 hours ago from TweetDeck

      CalliopeBlabs k: please ignore the empty heinikens&dominos… we can’t let the cleaning ladies in bc rob has 2 live in at least 1/8″ of filth at all time

      CaliopeBlabs the ok magazine crap is cracking me up… i can just picture the “tour” of the palatial suite …

    • calliope rules!!!!!!!

  33. “After we scarfed down our meal of crispy, crunchy, tender flakey crusts I wiped the remaining grease off my hands on the white bearskin rug. She must have thought this was hella sexy because she shook her head at me.” LMAO!!!!!
    I loved this too: “Your eyes are red, Your toes are blue, Boone’s is sweet, and you’re my KStew-” I had tears running down my face after that poem!!! :)

    I think the OK story is a bunch of shit, personally. I don’t understand how they can print all the stupid things they print. Just not getting it. Do they think that people really believe it? I guess they must since they keep doing it.

  34. I have tears streaming down my face. That was BRILLIANT! “She was gonna eat my pepperoni and she was gonna like it!” might be the greatest line ever.

    And I’d totally be your beta. Among my skills, I know more slang words for the male anatomy than anyone rightly should.

    • my soul mate! let’s compare slang!

      • Haha! Yes! Soul mate, indeed. Well… there’s always baloney pony, tonsil tickler, baby maker, purple-headed yogurt slinger, engorgement (when I’m feeling classy)… but my favorite will always be wiener… because I can’t say it without giggling. And I think I’m going to have to add “pepperoni” into my repertoire.

  35. Moon, I’ve said it 100 times, but you’ve outdone yourself in the funny AGAIN!

    Maybe you SHOULD start writing fan fic, clearly you have a knack… :-)

  36. I am humbled by your brilliance, dearest Moon. oh, you should so load this on Twilighted (cause FanficNet does not accept real life fics. Why do I know this? Not sure…

    • awaiting verification…

  37. That was amazing.

    As soon as I read “home cooked meal,” I was praying that it would be hot pockets. Not only was it hot pockets, it was pepperoni (so much better than chicken and broccoli). “She was gonna eat my pepperoni and she was gonna like it!” Best line from a fanfic that references hot pockets and gently used lingerie of all time. Of all time. Thank you, Moon.

  38. See, Moon. You should always take my advice. This has become my favy post of yours yet.

    Also, everyone else, I made 3 videos of myself reading this. I was a teeeeeny bit intoxicated. I wore minnie mouse ears & big glasses. And no one will EVER see it (besides Moon… who I’m pretty sure loved the videos…. RIGHT?!)

    • Wait, wait wait… You made a reaction video to Moon’s fanfic?? While drunk and wearing minnie mouse ears and big glasses?? And you’re NOT going to share??? You are just a big tease!

    • No Kidding….UC you can’t tease us like that – you need to show us!

    • i left you comments on said videos!

      yes next time i will agree when you tell me to write a fanfic! riiiight

    • Watching your reaction videos could be one of our activities when you have all of us over for a sleepover. After we play pin the sparklepeen on the cardboard Edward.

      Just a suggestion.

  39. There are so many “win” quotes from this piece I can’t even pick my favs… Absolutely freakin hilarious….
    I don’t have anything clever to say…. just-
    Awesome job Moon.

  40. That was wickedly, deliciously funny but now I’m craving Hot Pockets.

    • And Boone’s, right? haha

  41. Question: is it really necessary to specify that there is no fanfic contest, that you didn’t send this in to OK! and that you didn’t write a one shot ROBSTEN fanfic…? REALLY?! ;)

    For reals, Moon. I think you might have a new career here… Author of Robsten fanfic. I’d buy it. The way you get into character… I mean… WOW. Can’t wait for future episodes in the Life and Times of KStew and RPattz.

    • YES it was necessary… the emails and comment we get tell me we HAVE to explain stuff sometimes. sadly!

  42. I gasped when I saw that magazine cover! But then realized it’s OK magazine so then I felt better after that! :-)

    I love your fanfic! :-) Sounds just like them too, especially Kstew….gently used lingerie. Haha. That is just nasty. Those used lingerie should be thrown out! :-)

  43. Do they actually make sales off that? Who would buy a magazine cause it said that on the cover? Its obviously a lie.. Ughh.. I hate tabloid lies..

  44. I read this a couple of hours ago, but just now had time to comment. I have not stopped laughing for 2 hours! EPIC WIN, MOON!

    P.S. Please write some real fanfic. DO IT!

    P.P.S. Wow, ‘real fanfic’ is like, the biggest oxymoron ever.

  45. Brilliant!!!
    Just PLAID brilliant.

    Thank you Moon.

  46. Moon, You’re so frick’n hilarious!
    This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!

  47. Favorite post EVER!

    I was totally chuckle house after that! :)

  48. Um, you really should consider writing some fanfic, that was about the funniest shit I have read in a loooong time. And y’all know how much fanfic I read…

    Seriously, this might be my most favorite post ever!

  49. Love you guys so much right now. Can we have the next installment….

    • rob and kstew wake up with a hangover?

      • no, no, kstew finds out shes miraculously pregnant, cos you know, jacuzzi temp is the perfect temp for swimmers and rob rubbed one out in there thinking about the plaid shirt, while she was asleep.

        • Glee reference? If so, you are A-MAY-ZING! <3 hahaha!

  50. Is it strange for me to think if Robsten were real, I could totally see it going down this way? Hot Pockets and Boone’s…a plethora of plaid…KStew being standoff-ish, etc. This was brilliant and I am awed by your greatness, Moon.


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