Dear men who have lost their gals to LTR,
I came across this article on the ever-informative Robsessed yesterday. Apparently a girl working at Virgin airlines somehow convinced her boss that patrons flying in their planes would rather read about Rob than read a review on the latest kitty litter box-hiding plant sold by Sky Mall. The lucky people flying Virgin got to see Rob staring at them on the cover of an in-flight magazine for their ENTIRE flight! The best thing that ever happened to ME on a flight was once I met this cute guy and ended up joining some club. I forget what it’s called. The “high in the sky club” or something?
Anyway, the Rob article included these 5 signs your daughter (or wife) has a crush on Rob. Cute. But they were kind of obvious. I mean, what female aged 11-63 doesn’t have at least one of the Twi books around her house? And doesn’t everyone have a collection of Rob magazines? I prefer to keep my Harry Potter and the Gob of fire DVD in my lap top at all times. That way, if I’m needing a good cry, day & night I can easily have one just by pushing play on the disc and fast-forwarding to the end. Cedric’s dad gets me every time. Makes me wonder what Dick was thinking when he saw that for the first time. (That’s Normal)
So I got to thinking and decided to update the list found in Virgin’s in-flight magazine with:
The 5 REAL signs your girl is crushing on Rob Pattinson (cause if your daughter isn’t, ask her about some guy named Lautner & watch her face go beet red)
- You found out a second mortgage was recently taken out on your home and Swiss bank accounts were opened in your name. When confronted about it your girl confesses that it’s to fund her out of control Twi merch spending habits & trips to every Twicon or teen award show where Rob might POSSIBLY attend and for all the designer clothes, salon trips & day spa visits needed to prepare in case Rob actually SHOWS to one of the events. And weekly she buys a fresh case of Heineken. Just in case. Plus, custom Pattinson Pants don’t come cheap!
I am so sleepy
- The PO Box you thought was for her “business mail” turns out to be RPattz Central where she receives her subscriptions to Teen Vogue, Entertainment Weekly, People, US Weekly, OK, Star, Life and Style, Vanity Fair, GQ and Tiger Beat along with all the Twilight gear she orders from Etsy. The postal worker asked you how your “sick niece down at Children’s hospital’ was and to pass the message on to your wife that she bought the poor sick girl a Rob-Q handbag so she could at least live out her last few months of life in style. (You have all nephews..)
i like sex
- She stopped pressuring you to throw out your favorite grungy flannel you wore when you saw Nirvana in ’92. In fact, you’ve seen her wearing it. And not just around the house when cleaning the bathroom. But in public. And she bought a mullet wig. And you don’t think it’s for Halloween….
i have a shirt that says ‘grunge is dead”
- You notice the printer is out of paper and when you refill it, pages 756-1054 of something from “Fanfiction.net” spits out, using up the rest of the ink preventing you from printing out the latest pictures of Megan Fox. It turns out “Fanfiction” printed out by your gal has filled up 75 3-ring binders and is being stored in her craft room. And read late at night. When you’re asleep….
i haven’t read The office updates
- She no longer talks about Twilight.
teh secret is in the tweed
You thought all that obsessive chatter about vampires for hours on end with her girlfriends on the phone and re-reading the books over and over and crying “Why Stephenie WHY” about some baby named Nessie was just a fad that would pass with time. And you’ve probably been patting yourself on the back for finally, after all these years, truly understanding women (big dramatic incident/fight with friend/new book or obsession; time passes; over it) If you think your gal has moved on because she no longer talks about Edward Cullen, well I’m sorry to break it to you, but it’s the exact opposite. Chances are she doesn’t bring him up anymore because she spends all her time talking with friends online about the guy who plays him. You thought she got that bonus last month because of increased productivity at work? Nope. She told her female boss, a recent Rob-convert, about fanfiction. She stopped talking about Edward & Twilight around you because she fears that you’ll bring up Rob because you read some article on askmen.com and will say to her “Honey, that Edward guy was 44 out of 49. I bet the crazy Twilight fans are pissed” and the look on her face will give her away. Trust me. If she’s no longer yabbering on about Edward, Rob or hasn’t expressed concern with going to jail for lusting over a younger man or asked to move to Georgia, she’s INTO Rob. Really into Rob.
Guys, the bottom line is, your gal is into Rob. That’s the simple truth of it, and you don’t need the hottest in-fight magazine cover in the history of EVER to tell you that. The good news is… she has 75 3-ring binders full of new moves she’s aching to try. Run up to her craft room and prepare for an Epic evening!
What did I miss!? What are some other signs?