You’re a pretty diverse guy, did you know that? You can go from handsomest creature to have ever walked this earth to one of earth’s creepiest creatures in a matter of days…or hours…. or just a few misses of the showering. The diversity you bring to the table makes me wonder, can we all love every “Rob” out there? Do we cling to one “Rob” over another? Is it possible that someone can pick and choose the “Robs” she likes? Or is it a “take them all or no Robs for you” kind of situation? Even if we have to accept all the different “Robs” as a package, we can still have a favorite Rob, right? How do I choose? What “Rob” is right for me?
I decided to do a little public service to help me figure out which “Rob” is right for me and hopefully help your other fans, along the way.
I’ll take you all,
Unsure of what Rob to pick? Feeling confused because of all the Robs out there? Today I’m here to help. Of course there’s the cliche Robs: The Hobo Rob- The guy you pick when you want to feel good about yourself- because it’s almost like you’re helping a homeless person (Otherwise known as “Makes me feel pretty-Rob” because you can hang out with him, even when you’re bloated, broken out all over your face and on your period, and still feel beautiful) and then there’s Opens the Door for you Rob when Rob stops traffic wearing Armani’s latest and someone buttons his buttons for him correctly and you meet up with him in the coat check room after everyone’s already checked their coats at some gala. Otherwise known as Coat Check Rob, Romantic Rob or “Get me drunk on champy, take me home, get out of that suit and rip off this dress- Rob”
But here are the lesser-known Robs:
(Potentially) Gay Best Friend Rob
Maybe you’re the kind of girl who always ends up with a guy who is one step past metro-sexual. Like, everyone thinks he’s gay, but really he just loves to shop, buy shoes, go dancing on Friday nights with 20 of his closest girlfriends and isn’t afraid to admit that the Notebook is his favorite film & that he thinks Ryan & Rachael are meant for each other. And every time he sits down to have a serious conversation, you’re pretty sure this will be “the one” where he outs himself to you, but time after time he doesn’t. So you just go on with it because he’s a lot of fun, he loves to snuggle & he’s the only guy you’ve ever met who can pick out the perfect accessories for that outfit that’s just missing ‘one little thing.’ (His words, not yours) Plus you never have to worry about him cheating on you because no other girls actually believe he’s straight! If this sounds like you, then denim, sequin-wearing potentially gay best friend Rob is the guy for you. And bonus! You can share each others jeans!
See the rest after the jump!
Polo-playing Horse Rob
Are you looking for a classic, British boy who screams well-bred and has a potentially royal bloodline? If you take your tea at exactly 14:30 every afternoon, went to a posh boarding school started by the beloved Queen of 1763 and can actually name two different breeds of horses, then this Rob is for you. Let him take you to Buckingham Palace to see portraits of his relatives and then watch him play a pick-up game of cricket with a couple Barons from around the corner at his parent’s house in the English countryside. Don’t be discouraged by his apparent up-tightness, Polo-playing Horse Rob wants to let you find out if the rumor about British guys is true. Yes. You know the one.
How’s your tolerance for man-smell at the end of a long work day? Do you give a killer back massage and enjoy rubbing smelly feet? How well do you know your way around wood (ahem)? It’s okay if you’re not an expert. As long as you’re willing to soothe an aching man night after night and don’t mind the occasional brush burn (ahem), LumberjackRob is for you. He works hard and it shows when he falls asleep in the shower at night with the razor in hand and you pull him out to tuck him into bed unshaven, yet again. But if you’re there for him, he’ll be there for you. His grizzled exterior matches the bear inside who wants to take you over and over again (on the weekends, of course, after he’s rested a bit) Plus he can whittle you the cutest little wooden owls to sit above your fireplace. Just don’t ask for a little wooden wolf. Seriously. Don’t.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee when you steal shirts from grandma and get so red in the face
I love thee when your friends abandon you and you seem so out of place
I love thee when you’re hitting on models and staring at big boobs
I love thee playing air guitar and your sexy drunk dance moves
I love thee pissed off, looking for a fight
I love thee hiding your face, staying out of sight
I love thee drunk on wine, liquor or beer. No matter
But I may not love thee if it makes you get fatter
Connect with any of the descriptions in that poem? Then Drunk Rob is who you need. I can’t promise he’ll do any of the things mentioned above, but I can promise it will be an interesting ride (ahem- depending on the level of drunkenness, don’t count on much of a ‘ride’) where you could potentially relive some college days or end up in another country, karaoking with some A-listers.
Creepy Uncle Rob
Did you like it when a male family member’s eyes lingered on your body in your bikini during the water balloon contest at the”Schlosser Family Reunion Summer of 2009″ a little too long by most people’s standards? What about when your uncle hugged his girlfriend and looked at you while he ran his hand down her back and onto her butt, settling into her crack? Does it give you joy to get older men thrown in jail? Are you a homosexual man looking for a freaky relationship with a potentially in the closet, possible internet-porn maker who talks in a soft, high pitched voice? And who knits his own sweaters? Then creepy uncle Rob is for you. If you don’t mind the dust from the curtains, you can spend your days parked outside of a junior high in a rusty old van, handing out free New Moon posters to any girls who don’t mind stepping inside the van for a few minutes. Ignore the video camera, it’s for, uh, his dog walking service. He wants to upload some cute videos of the dogs onto YouTube. Yeah, that’s right.
Which Rob is for you?
Sorry.. I know.. Creepy Uncle Rob… I couldn’t resist. He….owns me. (I DID use a different picture!)
Thanks Brookie for your help. And to my fav Spanish Pic Source