Robert Pattinson and his Englishness

Inspired by our “Educational Moments” wherein our readers explain to us differences between the American culture we’re used to and the British culture Rob is used to, The Old One breaks down Rob and his cliched “Englishness”

God save the Rob!

Dear Rob:

I saw an article on binge drinking in British pubs, and it made me think of you, of course, as almost everything does.  I was thinking if you were an American, you wouldn’t be YOU, you would be just another utterly boring celebrity, and I would never have developed the acute fondness for you that has taken over my pitiful existence.  Since my childhood days back in the mists of time there has been a special place in my heart for the British.  I think it began when I spent part of my childhood as a resident of Canada, where we had to sing God Save the Queen at regular intervals in school, and name every member of the Royal Family on sight. I was around for the first British Invasion–no, not the redcoats, the Old One’s not quite that old–but the Beatles, Rolling Stones, et al.  You could say I imprinted on their cheeky humor and exuberance and have been a pushover for a sexy young Brit ever since.  And it’s not just me. There’s just something about the British that is so fascinating to a lot of Americans.  Is it the creaky charm, the frumpy taste in clothing, the inferiority complex they give us with their accent?  Well, whatever it is, Rob, you sure have “IT”.  So I thought I would try breaking down what IT is:

The Name:  Robert Thomas.  Those are two names that haven’t been popular in the U.S. since the Eisenhower era, but apparently are still OK to name a kid in England. At least you weren’t named “Cedric” or “Nigel”—names Americans have never ever called their kids.  And think about your sisters’ names–Elizabeth and Victoria.  Way to kiss ass with the aristocracy, Clare.

Tally ho baby Rob!

The Proper Upbringing: Is it required of every English parent to instill a love of plaid and dowdiness in their children from the cradle?  Take a look at those pantywaist shorts and suspenders!  And the leash!  This is quite controversial in the U.S.  We like our kids to learn independence and to be able to run freely into traffic.  What effect did this have on your toddler sense of self-esteem? Is this why you can’t run properly?

Has he been 'sorted' yet?

The Cheeky Schoolboy:  Your school days—a proper, private education and forced to wear snobbish uniforms that haven’t changed in a hundred years.  Apparently you didn’t quite toe the line, Rob, even then; never did your homework or cleaned up after yourself and were kicked out.  Even being expelled, you seem to have come away with a better education than most Americans.  How do the British do this?

Follow the cut for the rest of the stereotypes and some awesome pictures

The Youthful Stereotypes: You have given us a nice cross-section of stereotypes of British Youth in your films so far:  Harry Potter = glorified private school boy.  The Haunted Airman = Royal Air Force pilot and troubled WWII veteran.  The Bad Mother’s Handbook = Uber-dork with truly bad taste in clothing.  How To Be = Disenfranchised musician on the “dole”.  Even the cut scenes from Vanity Fair (the movie) were every romantic’s idea of proper young English lord, a la Mr. Darcy.

fag toking... heh heh

The Pub Rat: This is what you would be if you hadn’t been catapulted into the celebrity stratosphere:  a pub-crawling,  Heineken-drinking, fag-toking (that means cigarette to you, you yank), pasty-white, tends-to-pudginess, showering-once-a-month part-time musician.  You and the rest of the Brit-Pack would be swilling your pints in obscurity if it weren’t for Twilight, sorry to say.

c

To the country estate Nigel and lets be quick about it!

The Dowdiness Factor:  I won’t go too much into this endearing aspect of the British character, as your sense of style or lack thereof has been discussed at length here before.  We all know you clean up real good, and should you want to, you could drop the Pub-Rat look and jump to Country Squire faster than you can say “motoring in the Range Rover with wellies on”!

The Accent:  Ah, I could listen to you say “Litrally” “Moist” “Massive” and “Big, hard, tool” all day.  And I have.

I could go on and on:  the love of vacationing in cold, wet, places.  The inability to cook. The odd pharmaceutical products:  Lem-Sip, anyone?  But I’m sure the readers have their own favorite British Rob cliches ?

XO,
The Old One

I love this T.O.O (give her a round of applause!) especially Rob as a country gent… so what do we think? What are your fave Rob Brit cliches? Let’s start naming them people and let’s have a bunch of “Educational Moments” today! Speaking of E.M’s what do you prefer British or English and what’s the difference?!

Have something burning (you should get that checked out) you just want to share with us about Rob? Have an idea for a letter or you want to write us? EMAIL US your Rob or Twilight letters and you just might be featured like The Old One!

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