Posted by: Bekah | January 21, 2009

Rob’s mailbox is overflowing

Apology time: we’ve gotten TONS TONS and TONS of “Fan letters” for Rob lately (thanks to everyone xo!) and just haven’t had time to post them.  Last night, theMoonisDown and I got together to read over all the letters. (by “got together” I mean chatted on AIM)  Then we (pretend) called Rob to read him the highlights.  He was (pretend) TICKLED with your letters and (pretend) begged us to share them with all his fans PRONTO.  And when Rob demands something, we do what he says. MmmHmm. 

Here are some teaser quotes that had us rollin’:

  • I am 27 – old enough to know better, young enough not to care.- Laura A.
  • IT‘s a sure thing  (I hope what your IT means is the same as what my IT means)- Vicky B.
  • There are no rehab centers for dazzle-abuse– H
  • This cougar will take GOOD care of you!- Amber
  • I’d stretch that shit out allll day- Anonymous

Rob is Ticklish

Hi Rob,

 Thanks for the song that you wrote… um, yeah, for me.


 I noticed that you giggled at 2:18 — Remember, that was after I tickled you. You’re so ticklish, Robbie…

❤ Laura

Yep, this thing, back in the U.S. NOW

Yep, this thing, back in the U.S. NOW

Get your ass back in the U.S.


Thanks to the stalking-enabler known as “The Internet,” I’ve fallen into a comfortable routine of checking my Google Alerts over coffee each morning to find how you spent the previous evening. Throughout the day, I can occasionally check on you to make sure you’re still looking fabulous and fully enjoying all that [life] has to offer.

Going out with the girls after work has given me a new kind of rush knowing there’s a chance you’ll breeze into my watering-hole of choice, leaving every female within a 100 ft. radius incapacitated. I’ll spend the whole night trying to find the balance between confidence-inducing-tipsy and speech-impediment-drunk so that when you do show up I can casually ask you to please let me be the ‘random chick’ and all the celeb blogs will point to as we’re seen stumbling out of the bar together at 2AM.

Rob… darling, enough is enough. It’s time to give the people what they want: you. [Come back to the U.S.] There are no rehab centers for dazzle-abuse. 

Love you, miss you, mean it!

– h

Read more after the jump (you WON’T be sorry!)

Don't be scared, Robbie. I won't bite...hard

Don't be scared, Robbie. I won't bite...hard

Rob’s not so sure of himself around the ladies

Dear Rob, 

I recently found this excerpt from an interview you did not too long ago, although it seems like it was a long time ago because you are still far away in London and I am sitting here in California waiting for your return, where you mentioned being a little unsure of yourself with the ladies,

“I’‘m such a wimp with that kind of stuff. If I’m not sure she’s interested I won’t go near. It has to be sure thing.” 

Despite his heart-throb status, TWILIGHT hunk ROBERT PATTINSON isn’t brave enough to take the lead with the ladies. 

I just want to ASSURE you that I am definitely interested, and trust me IT’s a sure thing  (I hope what your IT means is the same as what my IT means). If this is the reason you have been staying away then, well, Please Come Back! I don’t think you are a wimp. Even if Taylor/Jacob has bigger arms than you and a total six-pack, he’s still a boy! You, with your sex hair and chest hair, are a real man! If this short letter is not enough to convince you that I am interested then please come back so I can show you. 

Love me, Vickyb

Rob, stay away from Paris (Hilton that is)

Dear Rob,

You should know that I impressed by you. I look forward to seeing more of your work and hope that you can have the agency in your career that every young talent deserves.  If you are seen photographed with Paris Hilton, I will be very disappointed.  If you become a meth-addict and take a turn at Promises, I will be very disappointed.  If you stop believing that you can contribute something brilliant and artistic to the savagery of film-making, I will be very disappointed.

Be well,


, PA

PS. Is it purely coincidental that your itunes playlist is a compendium of tracks best suited for sweaty wanton sex, or is that truly your bag?
PPS – I understand that your fans are either 13 or 40, and you should know that I am 27 – old enough to know better, young enough not to care.

01_robert_pattinsonI miss you Rob, even though I don’t know you, is that silly?

Dear Rob,

How are you? Long time no see….just wanted to send you a note to tell you how much I miss you. I keep in touch with some of your friends on the net, I have made lots new friends, sometimes we talk about you and how great you are, they do miss you a lot too.

Even though I have been busy, at times I miss seeing you, how silly of me right?? I realize that my homepage started playing sad songs…it might be because I miss you so much.

Yes, I know you don’t think there is nothing to miss about you…you are silly that way…but there is so much about you that I do miss. Somebody told me you cut your hair, LOL, that brought a smile to my face, you have such a rebel heart…I like that about you…always trying to keep true to yourself. I miss your sarcasm and your laugh…well I miss your smile and the beautiful spark in your eyes. It seems that you have kids look…you know the look when they have done something wrong but they don’t want to tell you?…that is how you look at times…very interesting…I like it !

Well I hope this letter finds you healthy and happy surrounded by family and friends

Your friend,


Rob, you’re on my freebie list, therefore it’s okay to cheat on my husband.

Dear Rob,

First of all, congrats! This a great day for you! Before you go scratching your head wondering what is so wonderful, I’ll tell you…you are now part of my freebie list!

What does this mean you ask? Are you a fan of the TV series “Friends”? There is an episode titled “The One with Frank Jr.” where the gang all consider what five celebrities would be on their “freebie list”–people they can sleep with without their significant other getting upset. And, inspired by that episode, my husband and I both have our very own freebie lists, which are updated as we go.

Last year, the death of Heath Ledger left a vacancy on my list that I was having a difficult time filling. See, I’m picky about my freebies, so it really is an honor to be chosen as one of my five. So, here it is, in no particular order, my freebie list:

1.       Robert Pattinson

2.       Gavin Rossdale

3.       Jonathan Rhys Meyers

4.       Brad Pitt (he started the vampire obsession first)

5.       David Boreanaz (do we see a vampire trend?)

So, next time you are in the South Central part of the country (in that state hidden between Kansas and Texas), come and dazzle me! This cougar will take GOOD care of you!

Love, me (Amber) 

Rob's look

Foreplay with Rob


That look you’re giving?  That’s foreplay right there…and I’d stretch that shit out all day




I know what some of you are thinking, “Bitch- I sent you a letter THREE WEEKS AGO and you haven’t posted it yet.” Well, here’s (probabaly) why: It’s so good that it’s getting special treatment and will be it’s very own post very soon. OR some poor customer of mine at work is VERY confused right now b/c I accidentally fowarded it to them because my inbox is so overloaded and I get so confused when I’m trying to work and post/read crap.   


  1. Your last paragraph about why some people’s letters haven’t been used just about made me snort my water at the computer in laughter. Warn a woman to put down the drink first!

    Those letters are great. Awesome stuff. Especially the tickle part with @Laura.

  2. *applauds*

    What a fab assortment of Rob-ness. I think Rob would be quite impressed with the number of talented, charming and witty women we have on this site!

  3. Oh, and I can’t get the video to play, is it just me?

  4. THOSE ARE GREAT! The “freebie” one cracked me up! And that picture in the last letter – yowza! I need to t-shirt transfer that onto my pillowcase. Or onto a t-shirt for my husband, to wear while we’re in bed. Yeah, that’s right, you know what I’m talking about!

  5. @JourneytoFam oops- next time i’ll put a warning in there:)
    @wendy- OMG… t-shirt transfer.. husband’s shirt- AMAZING!
    @sass- looking into video NOW… stupid people disable embedding.. grrr

  6. @ Wendy – You could probably bank making those t-shirts in men’s sizes so we can put them on our hubbys at bedtime! Great idea!

    I love these! I think the compilation style posting worked out really well! Thanks for posting mine!

  7. Also, love the title you put on me.

    “Rob, you’re on my freebie list, therefore it’s okay to cheat on my husband.”

    The hubby would be impressed (if I showed him, which I won’t!).

  8. We need to create some naughty Rob merchandise. You know we’d all buy it.

  9. @UC…thanks, it’s working now…*smooches*

    Nice tickle placement Laura!

  10. Oh, look…it’s the picture from the Sex Drive premiere. Foreplay. Indeed.

  11. @ Sass, thanks. At the end of the song when he goes all high pitched; that’s when I squeezed his….

  12. @ Amber – the freebie list… why wasn’t that written into my wedding vows? Note to self: renew vows.. add freebie language… beat husband into submission if necessary.

  13. The foreplay with Rob was hilarious.

    I love this site!

  14. the ‘foreplay with rob’ picture should not be legal!!

    how am i suppose to get any work done now? 😛

  15. @Laura you won’t have trouble convincing your husband to agree to the freebie list once he thinks about who HE gets to put on the list!

  16. You have made my day. I started reading then a friend called, got sidetrack and went to the gym. Just got home and eating lunch and went to the computer, oh yeah I forgot I was reading these letters to rob.
    How are you all so witty and funny, I so want to be like that and write my own letter, but mine would just sound dumb.

    • @valerie the trick is- don’t think about it. just write the things you think but have never said aloud:)

  17. That might just get me into trouble…lol

  18. Valerie, you should just do it! I just sent him a long, rambling treatise on absolutely nothing. You get a clue from the excerpt. Laura A.

  19. @ Laura – It’s easy cause the hubby thinks it will never happen….Now just to figure out how to put myself in the perfect place at the perfect time?!?

    Hmmm… Anyone up for crashing the New Moon set?!?

  20. @Wendy…I’m on that Pillow Sh*t right now…WALMART here I come!!

    Def F*Me picks! I have them on my cell phone, and every time I see them I have a really hard time containing myself…I don’t think my hubby knows just how much he has to thank Rob for!!

    “That might just get me into trouble…lol”
    That’s the Point!!

    @UC, & Moon,
    That last paragraph is Golden!!
    Good job on the “group” letter.
    Loved It! Do it Again!!
    All these ladies are hilarious, and I’m so glad that you’ve given us a placce to release the crazy!!
    Thanks 🙂

    • @Mrs. P.. this morning i wasn’t so sure how this post was going to go over- thanks for the the encouraging remarks- we’ll DEF do it again!

  21. I actually choked on my ham sandwich.. hysterical! It feels freaking great to know I’m not the only dazzled, obsessed, boarder-line mental married woman out there. Thank you.

    • @SuzieQ, i’ve been encouraged to put choking warnings in before funny posts… i will try to rememeber that:) welcome, btw!

  22. dear god laura i almost died when i read:

    “PS. Is it purely coincidental that your itunes playlist is a compendium of tracks best suited for sweaty wanton sex, or is that truly your bag?”

    FYI it’s totally his bag.

  23. thank you for providing me a place to smile and drool over rob.

  24. @ SuzieQ – I felt that way as well, although I would say less border-line obsessed and more like “Hey, what’s that line 5 miles behind me?”

    I mean, c’mon, I’m writing letters to Rob and letting them be posted online for the ENTIRE world to see.

  25. OME! You girls have been busy today!!!

    @UC I love the compilation of letters, it works!

    @Valerie, “Say it…Outloud…Say it…You love Rob and you don’t care who knows it!” Just write your letter, trust me it will make you feel so much better.

    Plus, it’s not good to keep all this crazy in. Just imagine if we all lived anywhere close to each other, this much Rob Lust could be highly combustible! 🙂

    @Laura I think we should start a Watch List of skanky hollywood types Rob should stay away from L #1 Paris Hilton #2 Crazy Courtney Love and her very underage daughter!

  26. @vickyb #3 Britney Spears, we don’t want him going anywhere near that!

  27. #4, Katy Perry

  28. #5, all three Jessicas
    (Haha–they count as one person)

    • @all the girls making the list of girls to keep rob away from: AMEN 🙂

  29. Anyone that could be considered a Pop Tart or Pixie Stick, he should be encouraged to stay away from. I’m not sure about Lohan’s lesbo status, so I’m adding her to the list.

  30. I love the list…we need to forward this ASAP!

  31. ‘dazzle abuse’, ‘free’ lists, ‘the balance between confidence-inducing-tipsy and speech-impediment-drunk’ – no wonder rob approved of this batch of winmail. awesome!

    plus #5 can we add ANYONE with a reality tv show?

  32. the idea of putting all of these letters together is great! its just absolutely hilarious, and this way we get to see into each other’s minds a little bit more!

    i second him DEFINITELY staying away from courtney love and her daughter!! YUCK!!

    and for #6 can we put Kristen Stewart… hahaha. we’ll just have to recast her. I know we’re all up for the part! 🙂

  33. oh, also… #7 Nikki Reed… i know she’s been having her eye on him. Do we have any good Rosalie’s on the site???

  34. Coming out of lurkdom on this one…

    Loving the t-shirt and pillowcase ideas! How bout adding face masks as well?!?!?

    BTW thanks for giving me my daily fixes of all things Rob, Robert, Roberto, Robbie….

    • @pamela HA facemasks! i really might go crazy with my husband then:) welcome back from ‘lurkdom” 🙂 and you’re welcome!

  35. #8 any high profile celeb.. not one of them is worthy of our brand of heroin.

  36. #9. that chick going out with Zac Efron and back in the day, sent a nekid pic of herself to him.

  37. #10 Pretty much anyone who isn’t ME! LOL Just sayin… you know you were all thinking the same thing. 😀

  38. ugh, sidhevicious, how could you say that?!!
    haaa just kidding.. i totally was thinking the same thing!
    we all know we’re just nice to each other cuz none of us had come in reach of him yet.. but WHEN that does happen, we’ll be at each other’s throats!

    hehe, jk girls, you know i love you! 🙂 but my claws will come out when i get close to Rob! haha

  39. @ Sam, ha ha ha we’re only being true to ourselves really. All women are like that. We can all get along until there comes along a man to bring our claws out. Sad but true. But we can all have a blast dreamin about it together and having a few laughs doing it too. 😀

  40. @sidhevicious… haha yes yes.. all very true indeed. even tho i love everyone here like a close-knit, cyber world family, when it comes to Rob, I would trample over anyone and everyone! 🙂

  41. @ Sam – Ok, I’ll let you do all the work trampling while I spirit him away to an undisclosed location to keep him safe from all the stampeding women! HA! :p

  42. @sidhevicious… HA. yeah right! you’ll be the first one i take down! and trust me, hunnie, you wont be getting back up!!! haha! or if you so happen to, i will find you, and i will pull you off my man! 🙂

  43. LOL, ahhh we’re a terrible lot! MEOW 🙂
    It’s all good, if the whole bunch of us were to actually come across him somehow, we’d probably be struck dumb, then stand there and drool for a bit before anyone’s brain kicked in enough to function. Hee hee

  44. Ha… that’s just what you want me to think! Er, I mean, yes, I would totally be like that. Only I’d be sure to be the FIRST one to react and jump his bones!!!

  45. I think we should add

    #11 Eva Mendes since she was just voted #1 in some Most Desirable Poll…we don’t want to take any chances!

    And #12 Miley Cyrus too. Something about that little tweenie I just don’t trust. It’s almost as if that too old for her, underwear model boyfriend just might not be enough…ya know!

  46. @vickybonnett.. good thinking! Especially Miley Cyrus who is all of 15 and keeps acting like she’s friggen 25. WANNABE SLUT!!!!

  47. #12 Megan Fox- ewwwwww

  48. Wow! it was so exciting to get a bunch of letters at once! The poor boy…..maybe he’s been here and thats why he went into hiding???
    He fears commitment (stalkers) and is worried that he may meet “the one great love” (kidnapper) and be swept of his feet (end up in my closet eating cheese whiz sandwiches on white bread) until the end of time (or my husband decides to put his dirty laundry in the closet hamper….so the end of time:)
    Why would anyone hide from this wonderful outpouring of love I ask you??? None of us want anything more than to “pet him”* and call him our own (* by pet him you ladies know what I mean :))

    • @Natasha- that was amazing. and you know rob would love those cheeze whiz sammys!

  49. @Natasha – “until the end of time (or my husband decides to put his dirty laundry in the closet hamper….so the end of time)”

    SO TRUE!!! I love it!

  50. @Natasha…as it so happens, I just came downstairs from picking up my husband’s dirty laundry off of the floor, throwing it into the hamper and silently ripping him yet another asshole.

    Now Rob, on the other hand, can leave as much dirty laundry on the floor as his precious little heart desires. 🙂

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