Posted by: UC | June 3, 2010

Rob Pattinson: 3 scenarios for your future

Rob- it turns out that saying “Honey, I know it’s our 4 year anniversary but I have to write Rob a letter” doesn’t quite turn on the hubby like one would think. So as I was, uh, occupied last night, I got some other people to pour their hearts out to you for once!

Dear Rob,

EliciaK had a dream. That dream led to a phone call, which in turn led to this letter. Grab a nice tall glass of freshly squeezed juice and enjoy…

First, let’s start with the fantasies facts. It’s no secret that the lovely ladies that frequent this site dream about you. Some of those dreams involve making friends with Sam Bradley, some focus more on throwing things at old women. Poochimama even had a dream where you were hiding out under a podium in a museum and Brooke Shields was her sister (Poochi: “Yeah, That’s Normal. Don’t judge!) Nevertheless, this dream – the one that crept into E’s head and woke her up in a cold sweat – involved you, a FoodSaver, and a 1-800 number.

You see, EliciaK’s subconscious turned you into a pitchman for a food vacuum-sealer. That’s right. You were doing infomercials. When “The Call” was first placed and the dream was retold, we giggled like the *cough-sputter* year-old fangirls we are and agreed that if anyone could sell ketchup popsicles to little old ladies in white gloves, it would be you, Rob. In fact, you wouldn’t even really have to pitch anything (ahem…) to us. Just your holding a product would be enough to make us buy it. In fact, you wouldn’t even have to hold the product, you could just stand near it and we’d whip out our…credit cards and make a purchase.

Unfortunately, that’s not where the conversation ended. Naturally, we started expounding on the idea and began to wonder what’s going to happen to you when your career begins to wane. Obviously, you can’t live with TomStu forever; and Kristin is

bound to kick you out of your palatial pad after Breaking Dawn is over, or after she starts developing a pot belly from all the Hot Pockets – whichever comes first. So we, EliciaK and Poochimama, came up with this list of possibilities for your future. Choose wisely, young one….

Option 1: The Ugly

Starring Robert Pattinson as Leif Garrett

We know you love your music, Rob, really we do. But after years of strumming your guitar in smoky bars in front of the only twelve people on earth who still don’t know who you are, you tire of it. Nothing gives you that thrill anymore. KStew has broken your heart and stolen all your plaid. The pizzeria told you that you can’t hang out by their dumpster anymore, and the Brit Pack has banned you from poker night. Even Nikki Reed won’t return your calls. You’re desperate. You drown your sorrows with German lager (the one preferred by frat boys around the globe) and soon you’re seeing the world through green-tinted Ray Bans. No, this isn’t a metaphor. You have actually lost the lenses to your sunshades in a bar fight and replaced them with the bottoms of Heineken bottles.

Sick of being called “Edrunk” and “HeineCullen” in the tabloids, you take to going to auditions inebriated and shirtless – starting out interviews with the phrase, “See? I really don’t sparkle!” Dick and Claire lose their patience with you, and they call in Vh1 and Dr. Drew to overhaul your sorry, drunk arse.

Flash forward to Celebrity Rehab, wherein you sit in a generic treatment facility, sobbing over being “typecast” and muttering incoherently about “the haircut.” You chain smoke and grow your beard until its long enough to braid.

Option 2: The Bad

Starring Robert Pattinson as Donnie Osmond

Oh! That killer smile! That winning personality! Those teeth! That hair! The muti-generational appeal!  No, we’re not talking about you, Rob…we’re talking about Donnie Osmond.

After your career’s heyday has passed, you move to Utah and have 17.4 kids with a completely unknown, simple, trustworthy woman. (Pick me! Pick me!) You briefly try to revive your career by reinventing yourself as a pop star. When that doesn’t work, you move on to selling record collections on late-night TV, hosting your own talk show, doing musicals on Broadway, hosting game shows… Basically h00ring yourself out in an attempt to keep yourself relevant. The straw that will break this camel’s back, though, will be when you are signed to “Dancing with the Stars, Season 56.”

That’s right, Rob. You – on a dance floor – with a scantily clad twenty-something girl, doing your little cha-cha-cha in a sequin jumpsuit for all the world to see. (Note to readers: You’re all invited over for the premier. We’ll provide the Lean Pockets with Whole Grain Crust. We’ll need the extra fiber by then.)

Option 3: The Good

Starring Robert Pattinson as Johnny Depp

That’s right, we said Johnny Depp. Do we really need to say anymore? Well, we will anyway…

Rob, you have the potential to be the next V.I.E. Very Important Edward. Johnny made us swoon with his Scissorhands version, and you’ve done the same with yours of the blood-sucker sort.

Pale? Check.

Not of this world? Check.

Deadly, but with a heart of gold? Check.

Played by a young actor full of potential who dresses like he’s homeless, is a musician at heart, loves Ray Bans, bad hats, swilling beer, AND has the ability to make ladies’ undergarments spontaneously combust by simply looking at them? Checkity-check-check-check.

Please, Rob, do the right thing. Even though it kills us to not see your face when you’re hiding out – keep doing it, because it’s nice that you’re not a media h00r. Even though we may have to suffer through films like Twilight How to Be and The Haunted Airman – keep doing them, because they do give you credibility. And even though you seemingly can’t procure clothing from anywhere other than second-hand stores and your dad’s closet – keep doing that too, because it gives us hope that someday, you’ll grow up to be a real hobo pirate respected actor, who didn’t sell his soul to a stylist just so he’d blend in with the Mike Newton’s of the world. (No offense, Mike.)

‘Til we meet again, in our dreams (lit’rally)…

Love,

EliciaK and Poochimama

PS – No Osmonds were harmed during the writing of this post.

Phew! Wouldn’t want to harm an Osmond!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter

Even though Moon & UC hate @janetrigs they LOVE her HATE of diabetes. Please give to Janetrigs, Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Fundraising Walk.

Give to JDRF because you hate Janetrigs, but appreciate her HATE of Diabetes  OR
Give to JDRF because you want @Laurastarra to raise more $$ than Janetrigs OR
MOST IMPORTANTLY Give to JDRF because Ron told you to.

The JDRF Walk is this Sunday, June 6th and after Saturday, we promise to stop hounding you to give $$ to sick kids.
Janetrigs walk Fundraising Link http://bit.ly/ai7Zso
Laurastarra walk Fundraising Link http://bit.ly/ciJVjU
Pic made my @Obird
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Responses

  1. Hilarious !!! Steph Meyer is obviously hoping for outcome 2 – I will be wishing for outcome 3 and can’t see how that won’t happen – he is definately keepin it real !!!

    • oh my I’m first – that’s a first :-)

  2. “KStew has broken your heart and stolen all your plaid.”

    NO COMMENT!

    I still hate manips!
    I love that Fundraising !!!!!

    Dear Rob
    you looked damn hot yesterday on set!
    Dude!!!!
    I would DO you right there!!!
    me

    • manips are not that cute, but seeing Rob’s name and Johnny Depp’s in the same sentence is all kinds of win….

      as for the WFE pics:: omg. The short hair, sweat and dirt works baby!

      p.s. I’m almost done reading WFE what an AMAZING books thanks ladies to the reccomendation….has anyone read the book Bel Ami?

      • sure! eccellent novel, without and “dust”, valid until today! Read it Misty, it’s sort of a classic!

        and perhaps it’s just me, but I don’t like any comparison..at all,
        I don’t see J.Dean, J.Depp or whoever, I think Rob is unique and not “the next ???-guy”

        • I can see the J.Dean things (especially in B&W pics) but not the J.Depp comparison, I think J.Depp is an AMAZING acotor though (would love to see them together in a movie or broadway). J. Depp has appeal because of his eccentric way to be different….but NO I totes agree w/ u, Rob is on his own in the looks depatement….swooon!

      • @Misty
        I’ve read Bel Ami…it’s good. It’s only short. I downloaded an electronic copy. Will send you the link if you want? :)

        • Yes! I would love to have it…the novel is short or YOUR copy of it is shorter?

          • my electronic version is 136 pages…. In book form I susupect it would be longer :)

            I’ll send the link later….will have to wait until I get home it’s not on my work comp…..is that ok?

          • THANKS BABE! yes that works!

      • Hey @misty i haven’t read Bel Ami yet just the script but it is really good.
        i read the WFE(book&script) and they are wonderfull.i think it’s gonna be Rob’s best movie by far.
        now i’ve started to read some Carson McCullers books since Rob thinks she is the best American writer so i should check(shame on me i had’t before)

        • mmm, thanks for the tip, I will check them out too!

          • Misty- Def read Bel Ami! I liken it to a male version of Vanity Fair, much shorter but has all the bases covered. No, the sex scenes aren’t that great- but just use your imagination (like I did)! Picturing Rob as Georges makes the book soo much better!!! As does WFE!!! Great reads!

            Thought about checking out Carson McCullers (had to watch that vid a couple times to figure out the name!). Che, let me know what you think!!

      • yes, read it back in highshool, it’s really interesting for a classic 19th century realism novel, quick read, still available at some levels in today’s society, but don’t expect the sex they’ve talked about in the script.

        • thanks MP muhaaaa

    • thanks… fundraising is coo. I HATE DIABETES

      • My father had it and my best friend, it’s awful and I appreciate your engagement! I don’t appreciate your “Ron” lol, and you know it, but that’s a joke, foundraising is tweet serious!!! BRAVO girl!

  3. Rob has too much potential to end up on VH1. If acting doesn’t pan out for you Rob, you know you’ve got an instant music career -millions have been waiting for you to put out an album, or at least a drunken serenade caught by the paps. I never want to see you crying on Dr. Drew’s shoulder.

    those WFE pics of Rob in a sweaty wifebeater-and Rosie-that’s the stuff dreams are made of.

    • I bet …Rob as a musician is stuff for 2012!

      • I hope so too…but not dedicated to: It, a Mullephant, Kstew, Rosie, Oregano Queen, Flippy Minnie, Ms. Beenie or Bitch-face. If any of his new songs uses these names for a title, then it better be followed by a most unromantic hevy-rock metal/rap shitz he can come up with.

        • Come on Misty..you know Rob, he’s not like that! He is NOT J.Mayer!and…somehow all the titles you mentioned..I can’t read them, he made me blind today..all I see is….

          durrrrrrrrrtt Rob in a white tank………Gawwwwwwwwwddddd!!!

          • bhahahahah you’r on a roll today RG!!!!! :)

        • lol misty your titles
          hahaha

          • I’m just sayin’ lol

          • i agree with u
            but they absolutely must be some most unromantic hevy-rock metal/rap shitz

        • I envision craziness around his lyrics.

          • word!!!! line by line = one drama!lol

          • I can’t wait to analyze the mysteries of his lyrics, cuz you know they’ll be pretty undecipherable.

          • That’s brill, MP!!!!

  4. Rob…

    you just turned a greek girl speechless!!!
    Setpictures of you…are to die for…
    Have no words!!!Am just staring at you with open mouth baby!!!

    Love
    Mel

    • @EMJ…my elf…I guess you will read this eventually!!!
      if you want me to talk about Aragorn honey….am always ready…
      but…well that’s a Robblog…so….I usually don’t talk about the other men in my life here!!!

      LOL…love you sista!!!

      • Hey Mel, I just like to mention Aragorn every now & again. Age-appropriate totty is such a rare thing! All my favourite pics of him are where he looks sweaty & dishevelled & every year of his age. MMMMMM. Love you right back. XXX

        I’m still trying to come up with something truly eeeeeeeeeevil to continue the thumbsdowns this week…how about some mental images of KStew snuggling that beanie whilst sighing sweet nothings to Rob down the phone…or appearing on Skype wearing only that teenie weenie beanie…I could go on. Imagine how truly hawt he would find that! Bwahahahahahahahahaha

        • http://www.viggo-works.com/

          he’s there…lol….waiting…
          just sayin!!!!

        • emj,
          mission accomplished…

    • I saw them last night, just before bed and I had the most BEAUTIFUL dream of him….I’ll say no more.
      xoxo

      • Good for you misty…LOL…BEAUTIFUL DREAM…am sure :D

    • Mel,

      My new acronym is OMB (open mouth baby)

      Use as needed.

      love,
      lion

      • Hi honey!!!
        Love you…lol….OMB…omg…for Rob…always!!! :D

  5. lol
    those were really Ugly,Bad and Good.
    ignore the manips and ohhh just remember the WFE set pics…THUD…

    • same problem here….God made that man so effin’ right on!

      • apparently God wanted to create 5 different beautiful men, then he had no time left and put all the goodies just in ONE! :-)

        • bhahaha you a funny lady!

        • I just realised you said 5 RG…5 different beautiful men!!!
          5???? Rob looks like having the goodies of much more then 5 beautiful men
          in him…on him!!! :D

          • I thought of 5 fingers…lol…tseeeeee

  6. Fav.line today….

    “..with a heart of gold”

    Thank you! EliciaK+Poochimama<3

  7. You’re all very welcome =)

  8. I’ve just spent the last 30mins in the LTT/LTR store (giggling) and can’t decide whether to purchase a BIJ tee or a BIJ travel coffee mug…….ooooooo the choices.

    I may have to buy both :)

    I think Rob will pick scenario three….he’s too grounded to turn into a hollywood prick! and he’s too talented to just disappear.

    • I dig the BIJ shirt too… was considering it.. I like showing my Rob-love in ways people don’t nessisarily “get” like my I <3 fifty shades sticker… hahaha

  9. Did I ever mention that I had a Rob dream? It contained no sexuals, but he was being very lovely towards me. So wasted on a heretic like me!

  10. mahaha, hilar!
    I luv scenario #3 and that’s what I wish him, but there’s a lil’ bit of my selfish self which would like him to be more of a confidential respected actor, the one you can actually see play on stage and then by the dumpster. Like the one who has the honours of the profession but doesn’t drag squeeling fangirls w/ every step (I know, but a girl can deam). Ya know, the one who is acessible and doesn’t come with a Steve attached.

    If I were him I’d go for a tweed serious part with 0 romance, since he’s got quite a lot of that. But Gawd, I need to see (pics of) him outside the sets, in the real world, with Heines, dumpster, beanie & co.

    BTW, LA gals, are you doing some stalking (now that he’s alone and friendly) or what?

    Aaand

    Happy Anniversary UC&Mr Choice!!! The nerve on that guy to want you to spend time with him!

    • Everything you said from squeeling girls to a Steve attachment (may I add a Mullephant tag-a-long too?) is my DREAM too….great minds think alike.

      But, I like the setpics just as much as the DrunkRob and Beenie pics too…they are all different facets of his life that I wish I could share with him….dreaming.
      xox

    • I need those pics as well….for several reasons!
      and I am sure, that he will do these films you are talking about, I mean..he’s now working with the right people and reaching another actor level!

      and….I am all in for any dumpster Rob, drunk or not…
      and
      Steve looks already so familiar to me, I guess I would sort of MISS him!
      :-)

      P.S. Rob is hiding well in LA! just sayin..

      • I mean..he’s now working with the right people and reaching another actor level!
        HEAR HEAR :)

        I agree RG, especially if WFE and BA somehow are better than his acting in RM…and the best part of all this is that it would NEVR get to his head. *sigh, Gwad I HATE that man.

        • MISTYYYYYYYYYY!Please, don’t touch TYLER! That was Summit, ok, BUT he was HOT…lol
          ILY!<3

          • NO!! Are you kidding me! I think you misunderstood me, I LOVED RM especially your Tyler. I was trying to say that I agree with how he’s moving up in the acting circles espcially if he can top his role in RM…am I making any sense here?

          • TYLER=ROB!!!!

          • lol..I thought so! and ..it’s me Misty today, I can’t ..ahem…connect well!

          • NO WORRIES ILY4E!!!

      • Would you please stop getting all sentimental w/ Steve? Do you think you’ll gain some extra points and skip that waiting line by the dumpster? Really Steve who seems glued to Rob is starting to freak me out. Didn’t they go out to buy stuff together?

        • lol MP lol!!

        • Do you think you’ll gain some extra points and skip that waiting line by the dumpster?
          MP u’re hilarious.no i would toally work on Nick rather that Steve to get some points..

        • why? that man is an easy play! Look at his face expression! With all the work he has with Rob,he is happy for every free minute!lol, Nick, on the other hand, nahhh…

          • but Nick has the contol in his hands honey

          • exactly, that’s why I love to see him..elsewhere!

          • oh yeah u’re right.
            i wanna see him alone not even with TomStu
            just him behind the dumbster *cough*

          • Well said, RG!!!!!

    • ohh i forgot
      happy Anniversary UC&Mr.Choice

      • Happy Anniversary UC + Mr. Choice! <3

      • I forgot that as well!!!!
        Happy anniversary and thx for all the funny moments!!! <3

  11. I think I am “TEAM JACOB”…omg…blaim… the elephantman…Rosie…and the sexpenders…!

    • bhahahahah me tooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love me some Dr. Jacob too!

      • or Mechanic Jacob! He can work on all my motor-functions!!! Everytime, NO problem..

        • Duuuuurtyyy plaaaayyyaaaaa RG!!!

        • LOL… dirty sweaty rob with sexpenders is always MAJOR win

    • Oh Mel, I’ve waited so long to hear you say this!

      & rob girl…have you been reading Jacob/Bella fanfic? Mechanic Jacob getting duuuurty in his garage is quite a common theme. Or so I’m told ;)

      • nah…I don’t read FF..at all, no offense to anybody, but it’s not my thing! and I just thought that he looked like a mechanic…like that is one sexy mechanic there on set, but at the same time he has no clue about cars…..sigh*, dunno why but that is even more sexier!

      • HAHAHAAA!!! :D

  12. I don’t comment (or read) here anymore but I know these chicks! Loved your letter, ladies!

    I want Deppinson. ;)

    • where have you been FB?

  13. Just saw dirty Rob in white wife beater *DEAD*

    #HotAlex who?

    • 100% again…? :-)

      • Tee Hee

  14. Donny Osmond actually signed a copy of my avatar and wrote on it “To Mrs. P, Can I join the Bite Pack?”…and then Marie signed underneath it…
    It’s on the sidebar of my site. LMAO!!!!!

    • WHAT????????????? bhahahah

  15. Rob looks hot at the WFE set. Love it, forget twilght, its not worth it Rob, leave it to the little kids….

    Vote, vote for Rob at MTVMA for best male. global star and best kiss, tommorow is the deadline at

    http://www.mtv.com/ontv/movieawards/2010/best-movie/

  16. YEAHHHHHHH. Ron is a crazy Kat!

    • PS wouldn’t you just love to see him on DWTS?

      • I might actually watch it if he were on.

        • That’s the only way I will watch, is if he’s on, but that will never happen.

          Hi TOO!

          lion

          • Hey, there, ML!

      • To be honest – yes. The idea of his trying to do that bullfighting dance makes me giggle til I choke.

  17. I’m still hoping, he’ll change careers and become my children’s nanny. He’s a little rough around the edges, but British, so like a hot male Mary Poppins. Plus, he can use his musical skills to serenade me…umm… I mean the children.

    My husband will be a little threatened, but since he won’t change diapers, he really has no say on the subject. What a lovely, sleep deprieved dream…

    • “Hot male Mary Poppins”. I think I hear ovaries exploding.

      • My new sexy is any man who will change the baby’s diapers without complaining. Rob doesn’t seem to have an issues with being, you know, clean.

  18. where are the WFE set pics?

    • everywhere
      like at Robsessed

  19. “has the ability to make ladies’ undergarments spontaneously combust by simply looking at them? Checkity-check-check-check.”

    I wondered what happened to those yesterday after seeing those new WFE pictures!

    • Those were some wonderful pictures. :0)

  20. @mine just for u, that mentioned yesterday
    http://thinkingofrob.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/BadMothersHandbook_Box.jpg

  21. gold, ladies, solid gold! Checkity-check-check-check.
    Speaking of ‘normal’ dreams, last nite i dreamt i saw eclipse, and it S-U-C-K-E-D! People were walking out after 20mins, it was cheesy and awful, but i laughed and thought of how many amazing posts UC and Moon would get out of it.
    That’s Normal, i guess!

  22. OMG I just woke up and had my first proper ROBDREAM! Didn´t know who to tell (my husband prob not that interested..) so I went straight to LTR..
    Me and my family worked with Rob and the studio somehow, and I went to a premiere with Rob, as his friend.
    I asked how kristen was but he just looked at me and went quiet, so I didn´t push it. In this dream he didn´t draw a scene so we just went inside the huge theatre and sat in the back.
    where he started to lean against me, put his arm around me, hugging me, keeping his face close to mine when we were talking and suddenly we started kissing without a comment. he was very eager – but not a great kisser (exactely how I imagine him, haha) and I was so scared someone was going to take a picture of us.
    and then my DAD came by saying we had to leave before the movie was over, and I pretended that nothing happened, but Rob put his arm around me when we left and I kept my eyes to the ground, and continued talking to him like he was a friend, not someone I just had a great moviemakeout with.
    then woke up..
    I am actually happy now, so pathetic, but I hope that´s normal… right..?

    • Yay for you, Mania!! That sounds like a wonderful “first Robdream”!

      Can’t wait for mine!! lol


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