I was lucky enough to be in the audience of today’s taping of Ellen with YOU. I’m sure you knew cause I could tell you were sending out the vibes to me and well, the eye contact we had and when you mouthed “I love Moon” just can’t lie… at least that’s how it went down in my head…
After we were ushered into the studio I knew we were in for a surprise when I was sat down in the front row in the middle seat directly in front of where you and Ellen would be sitting momentarily and chatting about puppies and rainbows and long walks on the beach. Then the music started playing and it was “My Life Would Suck Without You” by Kelly Clarkson. Cause we belong together now, forever united here somehow. You’ve got a piece of me, and honestly, my life would suck without you. Obviously, I know the feelings mutual now.
Then you were announced and as you walked out you looked right at me, pointed and then blew a kiss my way which, of course I jumped up in the air, grabbed and smacked to my cheek. That’s MY kiss, bitches. The line starts back there.
Ellen got down to business and asked you all sorts of questions. You got especially misty when she asked you about the end of Twilight. What would you do after Breaking Dawn was filmed and over? You told her you loved Edward and Bella and the world of Forks SO much and didn’t want it to end you started writing your own sequels that will be made into movies that you will star in. “The Twilight Saga: This Never Ends” coming to theaters in July 2065!
After that you were tired of talking so you sang an entire albums worth of never-heard-before songs just to us in the audience. While singing the new song “Moons over my hammy is for lovers” a spotlight shown on only me and you. It’s like we weren’t even at the Ellen show anymore and that annoying old lady with the horse teeth, clip in ponytail and electric blue sweater with maribou trim wasn’t distracting me with her elegance a row away. You know that saying about it being as if the world stood still and it was just you and me? Yea, it was definitely like that.
Following the concert and after you ran out of new material to sing for us you went back to talk to Ellen some more. You interrupted her question about your favorite thrift store to tell us you could no longer hide your true feelings and felt convicted about not being honest. You went on to tell us in fact you were NOT with Kristen but that you wanted to be with each one of US instead. But since you’re only one man they brought out a cloning machine and we all got our very own Robert Pattinson to take home with us. You donated your body to science! Talk about SWAG! I want to see THAT on Oprah’s “Favorite Things” episode.
Ok, ok… so I don’t have a Rob clone sitting next to me right now nor did Rob sing anything and Kelly Clarkson didn’t even play but here’s what really happened…
We did in fact sit in the 2nd row dead center. Though this meant through part of the interview I saw HALF your head because when you sit dead center you’re sitting right behind the camera that is shooting you and Ellen! HA! So I became really well acquainted and in fact quite enamored with the buzzed back half of your head. So much so I want to touch it.
When you came out I was quite loving the hair, and the VERY Rob-ish outfit you had on. And then first thing out of your mouth in answering Ellen’s question about your hair was to respond that you had “nits.” And since I refuse to think of you and any sort of parasite/hair lice/grossness scenario I zoned out and thought about touching the buzzed part again.
Follow the cut to hear about the rest of what really happened! Including Steel Magnolias, The Fresh Prince and free jet skis!
You talked about how filming Water for Elephants starts on Thursday when I will begin stowing away in paparazzi/catering/prop trucks to make my daily pilgrimage to the set outside of LA.
Ellen did ask you about Eclipse but you’re kinda busy and probably don’t have the time to write fanfic versions of how the saga should be extended, unfortunately. When asked to explain what happens in Eclipse, you actually said you couldn’t keep up since there are so many movies now. Somewhere Edward is tsking you. Amateur.
She also asked you to tell us who’s given you the best advice. You said Will Smith who told you to not try and be funny. You can be funny after you’ve done it 6 times. He then taught you the dance from “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” While DJ Jazzy Jeff spun on the 1’s and 2’s behind you. Ok, sorry the lines of reality and what really happened blurred again there for a minute. I’m back!
They showed the clip of you and Taylor bro-ing up and bumping chests like gorilla’s about ready to fight over the last banana. Since I’ve watched this 1000 10000 times, I watched you instead. You watched the clip intently and smiled. No embarrassment or looking away. I think you may be growing up! And speaking of there was NO slouching or embarrassment of any kind. Mama Moon would be SO proud!
Since you didn’t sing an album’s worth of songs to us (loser) you answered more questions. Do you dance a lot? Did you want to dance with us? Are you sure you don’t dance. Then you got squirmy and looked around asking if Ellen had a video of you dancing because you didn’t know how she had one. In your flusterment (I made that word up while you talked about nits) you blurted out that you took ballet lessons till you were 10 and then you realized you were a boy and stopped. It was a good thing Lilcrazycow sat next to me cause otherwise I would have rushed the stage to hug you for being funny. And then punch you for giving me the mental image of you in a leotard and jeans. I mean JEANS? Who wears jeans to do ballet?
Quickly Ellen swooped in and asked why you didn’t win People’s 50 Most Beautiful People (it was rigged!) and you said you didn’t know why cause you thought you were holding on and didn’t know what Julia Roberts had done to deserve it. Obviously, you know that Julia Roberts played Shelby Eatonten Latcherie in Steel Magnolias and based on that performance alone not only deserves to be the most beautiful person ever but that they should just shut down the Oscars and give every award past, present and future to the cast and crew of Steel Magnolia’s every year. Lifetime Achievement in awesome.
Thankfully it was time to cut to a commercial before the game Ellen told us Rob was going to play. During the commercial you tapped your feet to the music and then picked up a people mag (sadly NOT the Kristen’s Pregnant OK mag) and flipped through it and then I SWEAR either took out your gum and folded it in the corner of a page or you dogeared a page to read later, ya know like when you’d be hanging on the set by yourself.
After coming back from commercial Ellen explained that Rob and a lucky audience member would be playing a game to see how well they knew you. As you can imagine I sunk REALLY low in my chair. Being a blogger, talking about you and seeing your movies is one thing, being ushered on stage to participate in a FAN contest in front of you on national television is QUITE ANOTHER. THANKFULLY, some blond Aussie flight attendant was chosen and then blindfolded. She was told she could only use her hands to figure out between three guys which one was Rob. At this point I thought they’d bring out 3 hairy crew guys and fake her out but wouldn’t you know it Rob and a couple youngish PA’s come out in silky robes (what is this, a harlequin romance novel?) and stand in front of her. She begins her very sterile almost TSA-like pat down of the guys. In my “balls to the wall” version of myself, if that would have been me I might have slipped while patting him down and went right for the goods. ULTIMATE FAN AWARD and permanent bragging rights.
And of course, the girl chose the wrong dude. I thought based on your giggling alone she would have figured out it was you. Amateur hour.
Then you gave a wave and you were off. And we were forced to sit through Adam Lambert singing, talking and wearing pleather pants. Some crazy Chop Shop soundtrack commenter would have been happy. After hearing from some flood victims from Nashville and seeing them get 25k, a lifetime supply of dog food, a jet ski and two cars it was time to leave.
Parting is such sweet sorrow! Especially when I lose you after your car service runs a red light to escape us because we’re tweeting all the gory details while chasing your car paparazzi style. SIKE. I took Oprah’s “No Phone Zone” Pledge so that couldn’t have been me. SIKE again. I totes text and drive, try to catch me Oprah! I’m a rebel!
Until next time… aka TONIGHT,
PS The old lady with the horse teeth and electric blue boa sweater was reality in BOTH scenarios. I’m crossing my fingers she make’s it in a crowd shot.
Whew, that was long. Hope you stuck it out. And I hope you watch today to see which version was reality! What’d you think of Rob’s new hair do?
DON’T FORGET: The contest to celebrate the grand opening of the LTR/LTT store! Make sure you participate cause you could win BIG! Your entries are due this Thursday! Get to it!