Sometimes when I need to find an old letter we wrote to link to, I just google it- it’s easier than using wordpress’s search function. In this case I was looking for my post on losing my Rob pattinson virginity. I should’ve known that what I was going to ACTUALLY find would be entertaining… it did not disappoint:
While the answers to this Yahoo Question were quite good, I’m going to take a stab at answering this question because I think it is a good one, and a question I’ve often had- except since my v-card is long gone I wonder if that’s considered cheating on my husband if I use my Edward Cullen penis toy while watching Twilight.
After much prayer & contemplation and conversations with my pastor, I’ve come to this conclusion: It is best to include your man in your plans with your Edward Cullen penis toy. If you want to get it out while watching the fight scene in Twilight cause vampire fights turn you on, just make sure your man is around to participate if he wants. And if you like the break-up scene in New Moon and want to get freaky during the part when Edward says, “I don’t want you to come” (oh! The irony!) just give your man the sexy eyes so he knows you’re not interested in what Edward is saying. And just a secret between you and me- if your man DOES decide to join in, then it’s like you’re doing both of them. But shh… don’t tell anyone I said that!
Then I came across the headline on this post
Robert Pattinson is a Catholic Who Believes in Abstinence
which included this video:
(Yes, THAT just happened…)
But not everything I came across was so serious. A headline from TheSpoof.com popped up that said:
‘New Moon’ Can Cause Loss of Virginity; Unwanted Pregnancy, Warns Surgeon General
Unfortunately the article was no longer available, but if I had to guess, I’d say it an article about how the essence of New Moon encourages a young girl to forget the love of her life who left her alone in a dark, scary forest causing her to run into the arms of their less attractive, kinda needy bff who is happy to take her v-card, knock her up and ensure she’ll never really belong to the love of her life when he returns 8 months later with his tag dragging between his legs. But that’s just a guess.
Next, I came across this article called: Robert Pattinson on Statutory Rape which was a satirical piece from the point of view of Rob himself & dedicated to Roman Polanski and it was…. kinda hilarious. Especially because the commenters, not surprisingly, seemed to miss the point, entirely. Here are some highlights:
[Today], I speak to you as Robert Pattinson, an individual who can no longer remain silent while a terrible injustice goes unchallenged from New York to New Zealand. Of course, I’m talking about so-called “statutory rape” laws. Governments continue to enforce these draconian mandates from a bygone, puritanical era, and I for one think it’s high time we put a stop to it.
In some jurisdictions, such as California, the age of consent is a staggering 18-years old, which is well beyond a typical girl’s “celebrity crush” phase. In more progressive areas such as Arkansas and Albania, the age of consent can be as low as 14. Now, am I to believe that a random 14-year-old girl in Arkansas is somehow more mature and better able to choose a sex partner than a hypothetical 16-and-a-half year-old girl from Santa Monica who, as it happens, lives twenty minutes away and is totally obsessed with vampires? Who in the hell decided that? Hitler?
I know for many the knee-jerk reaction will be to dismiss what I’m saying because I’m an actor, not a scholar or a pundit. To those people I ask that you attack my argument, not my career choice. I also know that many people will argue that these laws are in place to protect children. I ask them to remember that we are not talking about children. What we are talking about is consensual sex with pubescent and post-pubescent girls who will probably just end up losing their virginity to some 17-year-old scuzzball at the bowling alley anyway. So why not level the playing field? There’s already grass on it.
After the jump, there’s oh! So much more!
Then, we get to my favorite question of all:
My favorite part is that the “asker” responds to the “Best Answer” (which was chosen by the “asker” who by the way ignored all the responses that said “no one can know that” or “No he is not”) and says,
I looked it up & yr rite. thanks.
My google search that brought me tons of stuff I wasn’t looking for also reminded me of one of my favorite Rob gossip stories EVER, all the way back from December, 2008.
Robert Pattinson’s Facebook Convos Indicate He May Be Boning Kristen Stewart… and Lots of Other People
Do yourself a favor & look at the supposed “Screenshots” from Rob’s “Facebook” back in the day. There are Some MAJOR Lols to be had!
The Spoof does it again (and reaffirms the “asker” from above) with this headline:
Brenda Song & Rob Pattinson vow to stay virgins till marriage!
I don’t even care who Brenda Song is cause that satirical piece is SO NOT FUNNY! The horror… Rob Pattinson… a VIRGIN!
My google search ended on a good note… with some more information to prove in my mind that you are NOT a virgin…
I’m a little confused on the exact details of your virginity loss- when it was, how old you were, where you were living at the time & what the weather was like outside; however, I have no fear that in subsequent google searches in the months to come, I will find that information & the worry I have of not knowing enough creepy, stalker information about you will disappear.
SPECIAL HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT at LTT today about the LTT/LTR Store! Get there now! And maybe win something!
What have you found written about Rob when googling something ENTIRELY different (Like normal stuff like “Robert Pattinson naked” and “Rob Pattinson breaks up with his girlfriend” and “What is the exact street address of Rob’s rental house in LA?”)
Happy Birthday to JENA!!!! Who is one of the sweetest, kindest gals we’ve met through this whole crazy experience! We love you Jena & hope your birthday is wonderful and Rob calls you (hey- a girl can wish- make sure you record that convo!) XO XO