Rob on Oprah… what WILL she ask?

Dear Rob,

Tomorrow is the BIG DAY. It is the day when Chicago FINALLY becomes interesting* and you show up to grace the stage of the Oprah Winfrey show for the big Eclipse- Twilight saga taping between you, Kristen, Taylor & Dakota that will air next week on your birthday!

Will she ask you and Kristen “THE” question.. and will you answer it? Remember- this is the woman famous for causing a really normal guy- Tom Cruise- to become really weird and jump on her couch, declaring his love for a girl that once had a schoolgirl crush on him and wore a lot of American Eagle clothing. Seriously. Don’t let Tom Cruise happen to you. This morning you’re just Rob- really normal British guy- and tomorrow you’ll be jumping on couches, talking about how Christ was a scientist or how medicine is bad or how Brooke Shields is the devil or something….

Leave the jumping to Taylor (And the photoshopping to people with photoshop installed on their computer)

Leave the Tom Cruise-isms to Taylor. It’ll be cute if he jumps up, jokingly declaring that Swiftner IS, in fact, real, and in the middle Oprah throws out a curve-ball to HIM- “Taylor, when did you realize you were gay?” How will you react if Taylor admits it? Are you prepared to offer up Tom Stu as a potential mate? Do you think they might make a good match? What if Kristen & Dakota reenact a scene from the Runaways and start feeling each other up on the Oprah couch? Imagine it now Rob- You’ve turned into Tom Cruise, Taylor has a melt down because he realizes HE is actually the one allergic to vaginas and he’s about to see some from the girls who are making out right in front of him. Is this really Oprah? Sounds more like Jerry Springer to me! Next thing you know Oprah will bring Nikki Reed in from backstage to add to the drama while Ashley Greene comes down through the audience wearing the latest product she’s sponsoring- nothing.

I threw out a question to the twitterers about what you might show up wearing today to the taping. There were some great suggestions:

The ever classy Armisette said:

I’m hoping for a casual suit w/white button down, no tie, a la CBS morn show

The one who knows you all too well, katytx77, told us:

the today show jacket with the torn cuff on the arm. U know his mom had that in the goodwill bag and he nabbed it.

And libbyrenee, the one who clearly thought about it long before I asked the question, added:

if he dresses himself: the new jeans, tshirt, plaid on top, sambas or nikes. if he doesnt: nice gray or black suit with a button down shirt

"Have Mercy" if he pairs a flannel with this

But it was after JGroismyEdward tweeted me that I figured out what I know will be happening today! Oprah will let you dress yourself. Maybe you’ll try to go classy to please armisette & throw the Uncle Jesse Blue blazer over a flannel over your conan shirt. And depending on how much Malort you drank the night before, you may or may not come wearing pants at all that match. But about halfway through the segment, after Oprah makes Taylor & Dakota answer honestly whether or not your lack of fashion skills ever embarrass them (they do), she will bring out the up and coming stylist who was lucky enough to sit next to her at an Obama fundraiser and became her pet project to MAKE YOU OVER! Good-bye mom jeans and Conan T-shirt (Can you hear Moon screaming NOO!!!?), Marks & spencer underdrawers & Uncle Jesse’s date night jacket circa 1989. Hello hip, hot, fashionable Robbie-pie! And while you’re in the back getting poked and prodded by a VERY lucky stylist, RACHEL RAY will treat the audience to her homemade GORMET HOT POCKETS! You will even get to keep the recipe, Rob, so that in your rented LA home this spring, you too can make your very own gormet hot pockets, in 30 minutes or less, of course, looking very hot & fashionable while doing it!

But…. at press time (12:18 am Wednesday morning) there has been no sign of you in Chicago, so what if, after all is said and done, you’re just there via a satellite FEED or something. How will we know if the spark between you and Kristen is true love or not when Oprah asks the inevitable question? Will we be able to feel the chemistry with you on camera & Kristen live in the studio ?

By humping this dead bear, you will see how much I care for you...

Maybe you should see if Kristen can pick up a bear-skin rug before she goes on stage. That way, when Oprah asks and you gaze at her lovingly through an HD video projector, Kristen can whip out the bear-skin rug, lay down on it and give you the sexy-eyes, so that we can have a visual & truly understand the depth of your feelings for one another.

At the end of the day though, Rob… my advice to you is to just use this Oprah time as cheap therapy … Talk about your Kristen woes- does she get the toothpaste cap all messy? Rag on David Slade- is he just jealous of your great height? Lament about Patty or Hell, even throw Summit under the bus… Because we all know there is one reason and one reason only as to why you are all taping this show an entire WEEK before it airs. That’s right… your tendency towards verbal diarrhea and staring at Kristen’s legs. The great powers of editing will no doubt be inflicted on this show. And, after having studied your interviews at length, i have to wonder if we will even end up hearing you speak during this Oprah show. Suddenly, the need for Dakota and Taylor becomes, oh so much clearer…….

Can’t wait to see how it all turns out,
UnintendedChoice

*I think there’s this Philly-girl thing in me that means I have to hate Chicago because it’s a city of a similar size but with worse pizza. Plus I went there once and the crazy-ass wind blew my skirt up and a boy I liked saw my panties. They weren’t cute. True story. Seriously Deep Dish= Grossgusting

So what do we think might happen today!? Will Oprah ask THE question? Do you think the audience will have to sign something not to spill the secrets. Do you think it’s possible we REALLY won’t hear!?

Rob/Couch .gif found on the internet. (seriously I don’t know where- from lissashoff on twitter!)

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