Rob Pattinson: Invited to visit Orange County

Right on the heels of a plea for Rob to come to Russia, snowwhitedrifted talks up her area in attempts to sway Rob to pay her a personal visit

Dear Rob,

Welcome (almost) back to L.A.! After you settle in, get a haircut, and (please, please) sign on to play Kurt Cobain (you already have the plaid and the angsty mumblish thing down)… why not take a long slow drive down the coast and try going …down…South….. come visit us in Orange County, of course.

Summer’s coming and you know what that means (all of your non black v-neck Tees are mysteriously confiscated in an effort to keep you cool in the hot CA sun), Festival Season in the OC!

Now I know what you’re thinking, (“who cares”) “Aren’t ‘Festivals’ just an excuse for smelly hippies to get together and sell handicrafts?” (which, let’s be honest… everyone insert favorite Rob wardrobe jab here) No, not in the OC!

Next month is the Scottish Festival and Highland Games: Kilts, beer, corsets (no, not like the one you wore while on the “Eclipse” treadmill, more like the ones from Ren Faire, but less wench-y, more hot/biker/rockabilly MILFy) beer, Heavy Scottish Athletics, beer, Piping & Drumming, beer, Highland dancing, beer and a stellar band called, “Bad Haggis”. Kilts are plaid, how can you resist (and how can you not already own one)? Please come, wearing your kilt (commando of course -May is a breezy month, thank goodness), “Toss your Caber” and “Put your Stone” with the rest of us.

Right now we have the Newport Beach In Water Boat Show. It’s boring but I have to get dragged there so come so and be eye candy for us all. Really, it sucks, skip it. However, there are much more buoyant things at this show than what’s floating in the water. The show is about Cougars in white jeans draped all over yachts. You could wear your white “waiter “jacket from the “Details” shoot. I’m sure lots of fish tacos would be served up that night. wink wink.

Then we have the Annual Hot Sauce Show. What does this mean? Your mouth catches on fire and you douse the flames with lots and lots and lots and lots of beer. Seriously, flames will shoot out of your nostrils and you’ll pee fire for a week (gives new meaning to “Hot Pockets” doesn’t it). That’s why I want you to go, it’s a little joke on Stewie… and she thought vampire venom burned?! OUCH!

You just missed the Swallows Day Parade (….celebrating the birds, people, get your mind out of the gutter). Again, more beer, sun, halter tops, tatts and ta-tas.

Then there is the Sawdust Festival where local artists peddle their wares. Do you even have a permanent home to house objects d’art or are you kind of a nomad right now? Anyway, skip it unless you want to see glass blown (TWSS) or get a cool toe ring.

Later in the summer we have the Taste of Newport, where the cougars and MILFs (and young, beautiful, actress/model/high school students) come out in droves. Seriously, Rob, these aren’t your ordinary cougarMILFs, these are OC cougarMILFs (not Twi-moms!!), hotter than hot, except maybe for Sweden. If you aren’t ready for the “Real Housewives of Orange County” type cougarMILF, if that’s too much plastic to handle as a novice, I can break you in first. Oh wait, I’m married. Whatevs. You’re on my top 5 list, and it’s laminated, so it’s fine. Maybe bring a pop star as an “offering” to distract my hubby. You know Fergie, right? There are a lot of different food and drink vendors here, but it’s mostly a spray tan on shiny cleavage show. I admit I have never eaten here, people don’t really eat in the OC, so just stop at In-N-Out burger on the way down.

Last but not least, we end the summer with the Orange County Fair. This would be an interesting venture for an English city gent like yourself. Where else can you get a deep fried Twinkie and see the worlds largest horse ( I know, I know, you’d prefer an elephant…)? But best of all, Joan Jett is playing this year! I’m sure if she knows you are there she’ll do a special rendition of “I Love Rob and Roll” in honor of you. Then I could die happy and my making an “I Love Rob and Roll” tank top will not be in vain.

So Rob, you see how much fun the OC can be. I can even take you to Disneyland, we can “Find Nemo” and get freaky in the Tiki Room.

Bring TomStu, or even the whole Brit Pack if you wish. Check out my name, I have experience entertaining a group of men.

Your friendly Tour Guide,
snowwhitedrifted

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