Posted by: Bekah | April 19, 2010

Rob Pattinson: Invited to visit Orange County

Right on the heels of a plea for Rob to come to Russia, snowwhitedrifted talks up her area in attempts to sway Rob to pay her a personal visit

Dear Rob,

Welcome (almost) back to L.A.! After you settle in, get a haircut, and (please, please) sign on to play Kurt Cobain (you already have the plaid and the angsty mumblish thing down)… why not take a long slow drive down the coast and try going …down…South….. come visit us in Orange County, of course.

Summer’s coming and you know what that means (all of your non black v-neck Tees are mysteriously confiscated in an effort to keep you cool in the hot CA sun), Festival Season in the OC!

Now I know what you’re thinking, (“who cares”) “Aren’t ‘Festivals’ just an excuse for smelly hippies to get together and sell handicrafts?” (which, let’s be honest… everyone insert favorite Rob wardrobe jab here) No, not in the OC!

Next month is the Scottish Festival and Highland Games: Kilts, beer, corsets (no, not like the one you wore while on the “Eclipse” treadmill, more like the ones from Ren Faire, but less wench-y, more hot/biker/rockabilly MILFy) beer, Heavy Scottish Athletics, beer, Piping & Drumming, beer, Highland dancing, beer and a stellar band called, “Bad Haggis”. Kilts are plaid, how can you resist (and how can you not already own one)? Please come, wearing your kilt (commando of course -May is a breezy month, thank goodness), “Toss your Caber” and “Put your Stone” with the rest of us.

Right now we have the Newport Beach In Water Boat Show. It’s boring but I have to get dragged there so come so and be eye candy for us all. Really, it sucks, skip it. However, there are much more buoyant things at this show than what’s floating in the water. The show is about Cougars in white jeans draped all over yachts. You could wear your white “waiter “jacket from the “Details” shoot. I’m sure lots of fish tacos would be served up that night. wink wink.

Then we have the Annual Hot Sauce Show. What does this mean? Your mouth catches on fire and you douse the flames with lots and lots and lots and lots of beer. Seriously, flames will shoot out of your nostrils and you’ll pee fire for a week (gives new meaning to “Hot Pockets” doesn’t it). That’s why I want you to go, it’s a little joke on Stewie… and she thought vampire venom burned?! OUCH!

You just missed the Swallows Day Parade (….celebrating the birds, people, get your mind out of the gutter). Again, more beer, sun, halter tops, tatts and ta-tas.

Then there is the Sawdust Festival where local artists peddle their wares. Do you even have a permanent home to house objects d’art or are you kind of a nomad right now? Anyway, skip it unless you want to see glass blown (TWSS) or get a cool toe ring.

Later in the summer we have the Taste of Newport, where the cougars and MILFs (and young, beautiful, actress/model/high school students) come out in droves. Seriously, Rob, these aren’t your ordinary cougarMILFs, these are OC cougarMILFs (not Twi-moms!!), hotter than hot, except maybe for Sweden. If you aren’t ready for the “Real Housewives of Orange County” type cougarMILF, if that’s too much plastic to handle as a novice, I can break you in first. Oh wait, I’m married. Whatevs. You’re on my top 5 list, and it’s laminated, so it’s fine. Maybe bring a pop star as an “offering” to distract my hubby. You know Fergie, right? There are a lot of different food and drink vendors here, but it’s mostly a spray tan on shiny cleavage show. I admit I have never eaten here, people don’t really eat in the OC, so just stop at In-N-Out burger on the way down.

Last but not least, we end the summer with the Orange County Fair. This would be an interesting venture for an English city gent like yourself. Where else can you get a deep fried Twinkie and see the worlds largest horse ( I know, I know, you’d prefer an elephant…)? But best of all, Joan Jett is playing this year! I’m sure if she knows you are there she’ll do a special rendition of “I Love Rob and Roll” in honor of you. Then I could die happy and my making an “I Love Rob and Roll” tank top will not be in vain.

So Rob, you see how much fun the OC can be. I can even take you to Disneyland, we can “Find Nemo” and get freaky in the Tiki Room.

Bring TomStu, or even the whole Brit Pack if you wish. Check out my name, I have experience entertaining a group of men.

Your friendly Tour Guide,
snowwhitedrifted

You think Rob should come see where YOU live? Write & tell him why!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter

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Responses

  1. “Please come, wearing your kilt (commando of course -May is a breezy month, thank goodness)”
    Kiltcommandorob+breezy month= WIN (claps and jumbs like my ass is on fire!)

    • GREAT visions! BOTH!

      • Squeeeee! The paps will have a field day!

  2. Funny letter..and educational moments of OC..wow

    I just wondered if he might be too lazy to do all that stuff…well eccept for the beer drinking!

    🙂

    • exactely what she said. +1 and double wow.

  3. What if he does play Kurt Cobain. Dying. But they won’t let him. And it’s in times like that you realise that outside the Twi bubble and our craziness, Rob is not yet theee actor in Hollywood. But it will come(!), I’m sure.
    In the meantime swd, good luck with the kilt and the breeze.

    • sadly true! I’d love to see him as Kurt, but to “handle” Courtney might be another huge obstacle!

    • Hi MP- I agree with RG, I sent you an email.

      • Courtney just stated a couple of days ago that she thought Rob playing Kurt was a stupid idea. And as long as she’d be alive it wouldn’t happen.
        Also heard that Dave Grohl and ex-members just hated the idea of a biopic about Kurt/Nirvana, no matter who played him. A friend of me was a hardcore Nirvana fan, he hates the idea too.

        I’d plea for another biopic, just not Kurt. I think he’d do better playing Nick Drake or even Jeff Buckley.

        The (real) wolves would descend upon him if he’d played him right now. He’s still too much Edward in the eyes of many.

        • @Cath

          The british press are suggesting that CL’s first choice is Laurance Fox to play Kurt…..can’t see it myself, though he’s kinda hot it that upper class british way.

          • whoops I meant ‘Laurence’ not ‘Laurance’ soz.

          • Thanks Mine, didn’t know that yet! And I kind of believe they should look for an unknown, though talented AMERICAN actor to play Kurt. Am sure there out there. In his younger days, I think Jared Leto would have been a good choice. Not now, too famous as a singer himself. Not famous is better.

            I just think Courtney’s a little bit, well you know (cra-zay), and she’d always be involved in such a movie.
            Better Rob not be exposed to that kind of cra-zay. So let’s just opt for a different musician’s bio flick. *cough*Nick Drake*cough*

          • I don’t know about him playing Kurt…but I just would love to see him in this scene…

          • @Cath

            Agree a zillion % re. CL…she’s one crazy, f**ked up weirdo…and i generally like the weirdos, but not her she’s too nuttszoid, and like I said above, I think if she did want Rob, she’d eat him alive, though according to happyfeet90 he likes the older woman….heehee, now there’s one crazy individual!

          • You should watch it till the end…2:04…is not long…it’s worth the time!
            just picture Rob in this scene…ehhh…with that tee…

          • I love that movie Mel, but I kind of like that Marlon so much, it’s so much Brando’s scene. But Rob can give it a try in a few years. These two have got a different energy though, if he could make this scene work, he’d passed the exam for me. 😉

        • I don’t want Rob to play Curt mainly because I’m afraid Courtney will get her claws on him!

    • He should play Kurt. Here’s the proof. http://twitpic.com/1gt4j2

      • HA!

      • God, he (rob) is soooo hot…

    • Bugger me! I just love a man in a kilt…..and Rob in a kilt would be all kinds of win.

      I think Courtney Love would eat HHH alive…..never had much time for her, Kurt or Nirvana…..so don’t care if he plays Kurt or not.

      • also like a guy in a kilt, problem is guys who like themselves in a kilt (outside Scottish traditional stuff) are gay (i.e. Marc Jacobs).

  4. That letter killed me, SWD! (yes… I’m too lazy to write your full name.) Loved the Friends reference!

  5. Scottish Festival’s & Highland Games rule the world! There really is nothing more spectacular than a man tossing his caber around a field for all to see 🙂

    One thing that has confused me living over here, why do Americans call *tartan* plaid when it is tartan….oh well….

    x

    • Doesn’t tartan belong to a clan and plaid is any thing that is checked?

      i.e there are specific tartans, whic conform to specific colours and patterns therefore there are millions of plaid patterns while there are set number of true Tartan patterns.

      But that is sort of a guess (with help from yahoo answers)

      🙂

      • I think a lot of that was made up by Sir Walter Scott who knitted together lots os Scottish things into a more coherent romantic view of Scottishness than there was in real life. He embellished lots of stuff…but you’d have to do some research to find out which bits.

        • TARTAN / PLAID

          original kilt known as the ‘belted plaid’. Tartan refers to the pattern of interlocking stripes. Plaid (plaide gaelic word for blanket)….so ‘belted plaid’ consisted of a length of cloth( large blanket) Plaids were made from a tartan cloth. Originally tartan designs had no name or meaning. Tartan came to be popular in scottish highland by 17th / 18th century – after Battle of Culloden 1746 the Act of Proscription forbade the wearing of tartan in Scotland (highlands). In early 19th century it became popular to believe that tartans represented actual connections to clans. – basically though some tartans originated in some areas they didn’t represent the clans until about 1815 when the Highland Society contacted the heads of clans to ask for samples to be submitted of their clan tartans — many didn’t know what their clan tartan was so asked elders of clans if they remembered what was common during their day or got samples from tartan supplies such as William Wilson & Sons.

          blah, blah, blah, snore, snore…….sorry just can’t stop myself sometimes. 🙂

          • You’re not boring me. I’ve read some Sir Walter Scott!

          • Not boring. I love Educational Moments, and Plaid/Tartan is a very relevant Rob-related subject!

      • Also I believe that only in USA is plaid used to mean anything checked. Could be wrong though, I just read that somewhere.

        Also just to clarify my post above is somewhat confusing.

        Basically – the plaids were most often made from tartan cloth. Plaid is specifically used in the context of highland dress and refers to a large length of material.

  6. Dear SWD- I’m sure that Rob will love your invitation, especially after understanding the supply of beer that will be available.

    Instead of the white waiter’s jacket look, perhaps he can wear the stripped shirt from Cannes? That looked like it would be good for boat and water related activities.

    Thanks for the letter-

    • drsaka, I have a feeling that that shirt never left Cannes 🙂

      • HA! again, you might be right!!

    • Thanks for bringing up the shirt, drsaka.
      xox
      me

    • You know I really like that shirt. When I saw that last yr I was like I have to buy one for the SO. So ya know, he can be cool like Rob..of course there’s only one Rob, every one else can “try.”

  7. I love Rob and Roll T-Shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    FTMFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    BWWWWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA

  8. Dear UC and Moon,
    now anyone besides me and RG got to invite Rob to their place. You totes owe us the opportunity to write one aswell. Just sayin’

    Snowwhitedrifted, great letter. I laughed had an #EducationalMoment and looked at Rob… You are great!

    P.s. How wrong it it that I thought of O.C. California when I read the headline?

    This message is just because I love you girls:
    I am hosting a contest over on my blog. The first 25 subscribers get the Remember me sex scene by Monday next week. The others will have to wait more.
    All the details here:
    http://www.thecoldshower.wordpress.com

    Love,
    Bleriana
    PattinPerv and CEO, TheColdShower – Your source for RobPorn

    • Yes, Orange County, California just South of Los Angeles. There is another one? Besides the one in Florida?

  9. As a fellow Brit who lives in the OC (bitch!) I second this suggestion, and you know what Rob – we have have mountain lions here too! And THEY’RE NOT BEARS!!

    • Woot!
      Deep fried Mountain Lions that taste like (THEY’RE NOT)bears?!

  10. The vision of Rob in a kilt (like in Braveheart, which I think he said is one of his favourite movies…) is so overwhelming… it leaves me speachless!!!

    God…I hope You will make that day especially windy!

    • I will bring the wind machine

      🙂

      • Counting on you!!!

  11. I’m afraid this is a hopeless case. In spite of all the rumours, Scandinavian countries are NOT choc-full of beautiful blondes having sex with any and all in public places. (Sorry to disappoint, but there it is. No polar bears in the streets either. No, you’re right Stewie, they are not bears, they are white Volvos. Clouds of volcanic ash we do have, however, as of right now.)

    So what could the attraction be for Rob? Well, we do have our fair share of junk food, lager beer, pubs, clubs, interesting music acts like The Knife, Shout Out Louds, Sahara Hotnights and El Perro del Mar, and some good English book shops. So feel free to come browse whenever you like: I have pretty much all these things on hand in my home if you are interested! (We can talk about the sex part later..)

    • Awe, but it’s a good myth to keep perpetuating…. Like when Sting didn’t disspell the rumor that his tantric self could go for 9 hours.

      • HAHA.. Sting and tantric sex..(picturing this) bwahaha!!…
        (as long as he had Viagra!).

      • OW! Crosses legs. Does Sting sting?

  12. NICEeeeeeeeeeee!

  13. snowwhitedrifted, loved your letter. Hilarious! Especially this part had me LOLing:

    If you aren’t ready for the “Real Housewives of Orange County” type cougarMILF, if that’s too much plastic to handle as a novice, I can break you in first. Oh wait, I’m married. Whatevs. You’re on my top 5 list, and it’s laminated, so it’s fine. Maybe bring a pop star as an “offering” to distract my hubby. You know Fergie, right?

  14. Highland Games are a blast, fyi. Have often wished for nice, stiff (twss) breeze when there but no such luck in the past.

  15. SWD, great letter! Rob would be sadly missing out not to be tempted by all the lovely enticements of your homeland.
    Do you think KStew has a “I Love Rob and Roll” tank top that she wears for umm, “special occasions” with Rob? I know I would.

    • I know I would as well!! ❤

      • I totally have to make a top like that!
        umm…just in case.

  16. Can RP come and visit me later this week when I am working in Barnes please?

    Wait! What?

    🙂

  17. AHH great letter! as I also live on the boarder of OC! and don’t forget the OC Beer Festival in May! Perfect for Rob!!! http://www.drinkeatplay.com/ocbeerfest/

    • and is Joan Jett really playing this year at the OC Fair?

      • Ohhh, the beer festival! I forgot about it, and it’s coming up. Are you going?
        Yup it’s true, Joan Jett is playing the Fair on Aug 11 (with Cherie Currie).

        • I might go. Havent decided yet, but I do usually go to the OC Fair. are you on twitter? let’s be oc friends!! I’m twitter.com/aprilhui…for some reason I don’t show up on the search so you have to link it.

          • How oldlame am I, I am not on twitter yet. I know, I know, wake up and smell the 2010’s.
            …will look you up once I get on there though.

          • Sorry to barge into the middle of your thread but I lost my deep-fried snickers virginity at the OC Fair. I think Rob would love those. I wonder if they deep-fry Hot Pockets?

          • Ha ha Stitchcat, you made me *snicker*! I haven’t tried them, sadly last time we had the deep fried meat (could be a hotpocket???)

          • Hey SWD if you ever see a fat, pasty English chick lumbering after 2 small children on Laguna Beach (or Crystal Cove for that matter) come say hi. Might even buy you a Heine 🙂

          • Hey Stitchcat- I hope I see you! My mom walks Crystal Cove each week. If you see a petite woman who kind of looks like the guys’ mom on “2 1/2 Men” … keep walking, she will talk your ear off. J/K

            But srsly, I hope to see you there sometime!! I’ll send my small child over to you so the kids can play and we can have Heines.

  18. Dear Rob;
    re: festivals…
    Don’t forget about attending the Gilroy Garlic festival in late July. It hits about 100 degrees in Gilroy, Calif. about that time, but hey… they’re cooking up plenty of garlicy food and washing it all down with cheap beer.. and they’ve got loud garage bands playing as well. A big ol’ redneck partaaay!!! whooweee!! –This is your kinda party ducky. A hunk of meat slathered in garlic on top of more garlicy bread, a side of garlicy pesto..

    hugs, Hermes.
    ps. bring TomStu. He may hate the garlic fest because of his refined sense of smell.. so I’ll keep him company up in the city (San Fran) , while you lot get down and dirty in Gilroy.

    • Nothing like hot garlic. ❤ Gilroy!

      • @Snow..
        … .. the people at that festival REEK of garlic and cheep beer..
        There are about 30,000 or so hot sweaty bodies mulling around partially hammered in 100 degree heat packing the park… listening to loud garage rock &roll and eating and drinking.. wooweee.. you can smell em’ all as soon as one gets within sniffing distance of the park its held at.. and its outdoors too.. — oh yeah..party down.. its a Robbie kinda function.
        It meets his BIG –BBB criteria:

        Cheep Beer and Broads …and great bbq Burgers…
        (plenty of big bouncing boobies as well)
        Hey.. Who wears a support bra under their tank top raise your
        hands..(not)

        • Dude, you make we want to go!
          …and why does it kind of sound like Lollapalooza?

  19. All I can say is that I would love to see Rob wearing a kilt and of course go commando! Woot!!!!

    • And pray to God it be very, very windy that day! Haha!

      • SB, otherwise someone has to do some blowing action.

        • My goodness, is it getting hot in here? Let’s open a window and let the breeze in . . .

        • Blowing action? ROTFL…oh that sounds so naughty MP! 🙂

  20. Great letter!! I’m ready to visit the beer

  21. I know this is late, but I just wanted to say great letter Snowwhitedrifted! I heart you and now I am off the write my “How I fell for Snowwhitedrifted” letter!


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