I’m so glad you have the time to read my letter, since I know you’re so busy filming these days. Where are you now? Budapest? I hope they aren’t “pest-ering” you in Budapest. Ha! Okay, I’ll move on from being lame now, because I have a REAL CONCERN about your film career.
You are going to begin work soon on one of my favorite books EVER. It’s not too long before you’ll be portraying Jacob Jankowski in the film version of Water For Elephants. And I’m dying just a little. (Warning, dear readers, mild spoilers ahead!) I don’t actually cast people in a film version when I read books, because the characters are just themselves to me, but I know what’s right, and what’s wrong. And you, starring in a circus-themed film (I’m obsessed with old circuses and sideshows) as the veterinarian, holding hands with a monkey and sweet-talking an elephant? It’s SO RIGHT.
But here comes the PSA. Or maybe it should be called the RSA (Rob Service Announcement) because it’s only for you. The general public doesn’t have to worry about this threat. But you? Rob, watch your ass. (I know, you have a million women doing that for you, but we can’t be there all the time!)
You might be wondering “what’s the big danger”? True, you don’t have to do anything dangerous—there won’t be any trapeze flying for you, or contortionist work (although if you’d like to try it out, I’m available to watch—or participate). But Rob, there is a cougar on the loose on your Water for Elephants set. And I’m not talking about the trained animals.
See, I know this, because I happened to see your first film. The one where you ended up on the cutting room floor, and only got in the DVD extras. Remember this one?
That’s you, in the movie Vanity Fair. With Reese Witherspoon, playing your MOTHER. And now she’s been cast as Marlena, your love interest in WFE? HOLY OEDIPAL HELL. Seriously? REALLY?
I think, Rob, that Reese may be an original Twi cougar. She saw how nicely you were growing up from that rosy-cheeked boy wearing what I can only assume is a napkin from dinner around your neck in Vanity Fair. Maybe Reese started thinking “Edward is just so dreamy in tweed” as she watched New Moon with her kids. Or maybe she was thinking how great it would be for you to push her up against a wall like you did Emilie de Ravin in Remember Me. And maybe the best way to get over Jake Gyllenhaal would be to get under you. (And who can blame her, really?) While I’m generally not agist (I’d like you to be accessible to all ages and know that your appeal isn’t limited to screaming teens), the fact that she played your mother makes this movie match-up a little unsavory to me.
For my RSA, I would like to emphasize this point to you, Rob. Reese is a Southern Girl (a Southern cougar, really, but that’s not an official term). And Southern Girls are notorious. They have a full complement of sexy weapons in their arsenal. I asked my friend and yours, Lula, who is the ultimate Southern Girl, what you need to look out for. Her quick guide is as follows:
- Diamonds and pearls on a date? Of course.
- Diamonds and pearls in bed? YES.
- Lipstick: It’s not an option.
- Beer: Learn to love it.
- Cleavage, when used in tasteful amounts, is a powerful weapon.
- Knowledge of SEC football, when used in tasteful amounts, in a powerful weapon.
- A skirt slit up to there? Hot.
- Jeans & boots? Hotter.
- The motto: I gave my heart to Jesus, but my butt’s all yours.
Follow the cut learn the rest of a Southern girls seduction secrets
Gives you chills, right? So watch out for the Southern Girl seduction tactics. That Louisiana accent is really cute, but when she says “y’all should stop by my trailer”, be forewarned; it really might be an invitation for you to go “down South”! Never trust her home cooking—roofies might be the secret ingredient to her delicious pecan pie. (And butter. Always butter—right Paula Deen?) One more thing that I discovered through the magic of Wiki: Reese is an Avon Lady. (Well, Avon Global Ambassador, whatever.) Either way, she’ll have an endless supply of Skin So Soft. Do not allow her to rub you down! It’s just an excuse to get your pants off. (Please don’t let her rub you down with butter, either. That Paula Deen’s a freak!)
I know there’s nothing I can do to recast Marlena. I am going to just try to push down the mother/son creepy factor while I watch the movie and focus on your portrayal of Jacob. And you seem to have dodged the Creepiest Cougar of them all, Cougar Cathy, so I’ll have to cross my fingers that you’re able to wiggle your way out of this one, too. Without the aid of Skin So Soft.
Here’s hoping that Reese never asks you if your “South will rise again”,
*Special thanks to Lula! for her kick-ass Southern Girl’s Seduction Tips.
Big thanks to Freya and Lula for informing Rob what he should be looking out for on the set of WFE! Give them a hand and then let’s discuss Skin So Soft, did anyone else’s grandma cover them in it during the summer like mine? Other southern gals out there what else should Rob be looking out for?
Speaking of Water for Elephants… We heard from LTR reader Krystal about an Water for Elephants reading group starting THIS SATURDAY: Check it out
Don’t forget about The Biggest Loser in the Forum: Start losing April 5th!!