Moon & I are taking a mini “Spring Break” to work on our new site design (yep- we’ve been doing that for a year) so today TIFFANIZED takes over LTR
Since I was featured as your February Match of the Month, I thoroughly expected your call by now. We’re obviously perfect for each other, except for the age difference, cultural barriers, physical distance and fact that we have social and professional circles that will never, ever coincide. I have a rule about not waiting for guys to call—if I haven’t heard from a man within three days, I write him off. I extended my waiting period for you, but it’s been a month, and you’ve missed your window. Sorry, Rob, but this ship has sailed. Good luck finding another out-of-shape thirtysomething, mother of two who will have you.
I do take pity on you though, showing up to premieres and awards ceremonies alone. Or worse, with your mom. Honestly, Rob, that’s like taking your cousin to the prom, only you can’t lie and say that she’s your cougar girlfriend from out of town because we’ve all seen Clare before and know perfectly well who she is.
Have you considered Match.com? I know it’s like 35 bucks a month, which seriously cuts into your flannel budget, but it would be worth it to finally squelch all those rumors about you dating your co-stars. Can you imagine the OK! Magazine cover shipping you and Colm Meaney after Bel Ami comes out? You don’t need that anecdote on your permanent Wikipedia page.
Before you create your profile, let Mama Tiff help you out with some DOs and DON’Ts of online dating:
Have a stylist on hand when you take your profile picture. I’ve seen some of your paparazzi shots, and let’s just say you don’t always fare well when you dress yourself.
Wear that white waiter jacket from the Details shoot unless you’re listing your profile under “Man looking for men”. I would also steer clear of the tweed dadpants unless you want to encourage winks from Twi-moms and cougars.
Choose a suitable screen name. This is important, Rob. In their inbox, all potential dates see is a screen name, so this is their first impression of you. LTR-ApprovedTM usernames for you include: robwardcullinson, sparkleboy86, and plaidlover4u.
Use the screen name spunkransom. Just, don’t.
Post a headline that captures your essence and what you are looking for. “Shy Brit seeks non-stutterer for quiet weekends spent reading obscure Scandinavian literature” sounds lovely.
Write something like “Show me your Hot Pocket and I’ll show you what my Heineken does”. It’s in poor taste.
Have TomStu give your profile a read to make sure there are no misspellings, grammatical errors or mentions of “things coming out of your pants”.
Post a picture of TomStu wearing one of your leftover Daniel Gale sweaters.
Mention your taste in music, which is impeccable.
Mention your allergy to girl parts, which is creepy.
You’re a catch, Rob, and I know that someday I will regret cutting you loose. Until then, good luck, and fire up your Jitterbug if you need any pointers on what to do once you get a date; I promise not to sell your phone number on eBay.
What else might Rob’s MATCH.COM profile say!?
We heard from LTR reader Krystal about an Water for Elephants reading group starting THIS SATURDAY: Check it out
Don’t forget about The Biggest Loser in the Forum: Start losing April 5th!!