Never thought I’d say this: Breaking down Rob’s purchase of underwear, vanity fair style

Dear Rob,

You didn’t think you could go underwear shopping with TomStu and NOT have us post the pics and break them down vanity fair style, did you!? [Oh and you’ll notice we have a new feature called “EDUCATIONAL MOMENT” Where we stop and pose a REALLY important question about Britain/UK and life across the big pond. If you’d like to pipe in or one of our readers is from the UK/England/Britain (are they the same place!) please educate us in the comments so that we can learn much more about you!]

The one where they get caught in the porn section

Moon: ok so obviously they’re screwed cause they got caught in the porno section of the video store. Tom was like, “dude Rob come over here and look at this new one! It’s called “New Poon!” And the dude looks like YOU”
UC: Rob’s like “I saw that last night” and he gets royalties every time it’s sold
Moon: Yep! 5 cents every time someone gets off! If we had the same deal on this site we’d be rich!
UC: Then there’s Prince Henry over there.. what do you think he’s looking for?
Moon: The Queen will be SOOO sad
UC: especially cuz he’s renting a porn called “The Queen gets knighted”
Moon: and its a Helen Mirren look alike, so it’s essentially like he’s watching the porno version of The Queen (talk about some nana issues)
UC: Seriously. I mean. They ARE in the porn section. Why ELSE would they have things covered in plastic? There is no other reasonable explanation. Furthermore, they look like VHS tapes which makes sense… Rob being so technologically-incompetent. He probably hasn’t jumped on board with the whole DVD craze yet
Moon: do you think they’re the type of friends who would watch those tapes together?
UC: Yes. I think so.
Moon: in rob’s parents basement? DO they HAVE basements in the UK?
UC: EDUCATIONAL TIME (UK friends- do you have basements? Help us learn more about Rob in the comments!)
UC: I think they have 3 day porn, heineken, hot pocket and no shower binges
Moon: they’ve got a couple of Dick and Clare’s old lay-z-boys down there
UC: Yep. both with grease spots on the top where their head sits
Moon: Poor Clare gave up asking them to shower and wash their hair and instead just puts hand crocheted doilies over the head rest to hide the grease

Read the rest of the break down, after the jump!

Rob likes organic socks!?

Moon: from the next picture we see a WALL of socks, but it also has porno!
UC: they look like some WOOL socks too. Like speciality socks for hiking or maybe some organic socks?
Moon: I mean we can go for the obvious joke here, but what video store/best buy sells socks?
UC: Maybe… this is like Britain’s version of Whole foods? They sell wool, organic and hemp socks, and porn…. since it’s important to jack off regularly to stay healthy?
Moon: is this like a Target or WalMart of the UK? And look how many pairs he has in his hands! Damn. Stocking up for a major session
UC: Well, he noticed the stench during the last 3 day porn/hot pocket/Heineken binge and didn’t want that to happen again so…he just decided to get some new ones. Throw out the old and while he was out he robbed a store back in 1986 and got that jacket
Moon: seriously the jacket is new. must have paid a hobo outside a buck for that
UC: It kinda even looks… clean..
Moon: Rob is really into the striped underwear but doesn’t want to get wedgies from Kellan when they film BD, so he went with black
UC: Right. Black is practical
Moon: even though I secretly hoped he got striped tights. It helps make him LESS hot. and anything that helps make him LESS hot is good in my book
UC: you’re right. Makes it easier to forget that we’re not with him and never will be and have a normal life. Less hot is good (just like green)
and let’s be honest. He’s REALLY rocking the “less hot” look. especially in that jacket. He looks HEAVY…. like heavier than he really is, even with his added poundage for bel ami
Moon: when we have a hot threesome (cause he LOVES hot bloggers) we can act surprised when we see the striped pair make an appearance. the stripes will be our ONLY saving grace
UC: he’ll know….. he knows they’re our fav

The one where people in big jackets aren’t trustworthy

UC: So… it looks like they’re picking up a Wii? In this odd British Walmart/Target Organic Whole Foods? That also sells hemp socks, porn & video games?
Moon: this SO has to be a best buy or Costco where they check your receipt before you leave, since they totally look like shop lifters. I mean that jacket could hold like 5 sets of striped tighties, 10 socks and at least 5 copies of New Poon
UC: and are those CDs that Rob is browsing by the check out? Like really? Rob has a Disc-Man? that’s a little high-tech.. After only having a VHS to play his porn.. Oh, they totally don’t trust him. Just last week some dude with that EXACT same jacket ripped them off with 3 pair of wool socks plus a copy of “The Queen gets Knighted.” It WAS the same jacket. It was the hobo Rob paid $1 for his jacket
Moon: I worked retail- you don’t trust people in big weird jackets. The security guard had to shake them down. They don’t care WHO he is
UC: is that Tom? with those skinny legs? cuz his face looks different. maybe it’s because we can basically SEE into his nostril
Moon: did Rob take off his beard from the Haiti telethon and give it to Tom to wear
UC: yes, I think so
Moon: since it was obviously a stick on. he’s into disguises now
UC: yeah- he had Jackson FEDex him his new moon wig. Do you think that guy behind them recognizes him?
Moon: oh for sure his wife/gf/sister has the posters. Plus he checked their receipt just to make sure
UC: he’s like “thats the kid from Pirate radio!”
Moon: and then patted down TomStu just so he could make his gf/wife/sister jealous
UC: “that other guy must be a charity case he’s taken on”
Moon: TomStu is clearly the bigger star. He WAS in Vanity Fair! What red blooded englishman hasnt seen that?!

The one where we’re uber stalkers

UC: What does Tom’s bag say?
Moon: someone said it’s M&S
UC: Googling- Marks & Spencer
Moon: OHHH yea someone said M&S is totally like Khols or Mervyns.
UC: haha OMG- Rob is at the british version of Khols
Moon: Remember when we did that breaking it down for the Pattinson family/house/car pics?? We SAID they were going to KHOLS. We know him so well!!! I  think I might love them even more now!
UC: They’re so normal. Rob & TomStu- THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!

The one where we forget that they don’t accept dollars in the UK

Moon: dude in that next picture of the stripes…are SLIPS brit for underwear?? And are those panties Rob is buying FOUR dollars?!
UC: that’s CHEAP
Moon: he’s buying 4 dollar drawers! He’s SO gonna chaff
UC: haha… SERIOUSLY. There’s no way they’re pure cotton.. Those bad boys are a stiff as a … well, …stiff “slips”

You KNOW you wanna zoom!

Moon: They’re probably the fruit of the loom of the UK. Dude zoom in on that and get a look at the model
UC: OMG! They’re BRIEFS! He’s looking at them… thinking, “can I do this!?”
Moon: he’s really contemplating those tighties. Don’t DO IT ROB!!
UC: Thinking, “wow… Is that Kellan?”
Moon: don’t DO IT!!! and No!!! IT’s TAYLOR. At least Kellan is on Calvin Kleins. Taylor did this for Fruit of the Loom like 2 years ago

Moon: can you imagine someone taking a picture of you while looking at panties at target?!
UC: I’d die cause #1 I don’t get panties at target
Moon: I would SO pick up the granny panties- like the BIGGEST pair and hold them up
UC: yes- I wish he sauntered into the XL woman’s section. I’d inspect the crotch for the camera. Sniff some boxers. Make a face. Buy them anyway.
Moon: I always thought he was more a boxers type of man. Or even boxer briefs. Who still wears briefs??
UC: Right. Or a “nothing” type of man. but I definitely thought boxer briefs
Moon: Rob needs to go to the beach and wear the borat (swimsuit) We’d see way more of his down south grooming habits (or lack thereof) than we ever wanted to know
UC: lack there of FOR SURE
Moon: I have guy friends who are meticulous mans-capers and I feel like Rob doesn’t even know what that word is
UC: EDUCATIONAL MOMENT: Do British guys mans-cape? We mean the straight ones?

The one where Rob is a big spender

Moon: Ok so in this last picture the security guard let them out after he patted them down… he found out he defs wears briefs. Dude- Rob is wearing a NEW jacket, has like 20 packs of new undies and socks. This is like a major shopping spree! He must have spent like at least 25 bucks!
UC: at LEAST
Moon: his bank called cause they were alarmed he spent more than 6 dollars at a clothing store. FRAUD ALERT!!
UC: I mean… he probably got one of those “spent $25 get $5 off your next visit ” coupons. Do you think he opened a Mervyns/Khols/British version of those stores credit card?
Moon: oh for sure he would have gotten 10% of his purchase for the day- making it 22 dollars total
UC: He found out Tuesday is Sr. Citizens day and Dick qualifies so… he’s probably going back today
Moon: get Dick some new underroos!! So now Roband TomStu are off with bags full of underwear, porn,socks and a newspaper- that’s a good weekend right there!
UC: we won’t be seeing them until at least next Monday when they run out of Hot pockets. The freezer only holds so many….
Moon: And that’s when Marks & Spencer has their half off red tag sale- they’ll stock up on undershirts then
UC: Exactly. Rob is hoping to try out the sleeveless kind. He’ll pass his hand me downs to TomStu . He doesn’t have money to fork out $12ish bucks for a few new ones. He’ll be fine with Rob’s hand-me-downs. Even if they do have yellowish pits

Moon: It’s sad day when TomStu is looking hotter than rob
UC: Well, not a sad day for TomStu !
Moon: he usually looks like a homeless 12 yr old boy
UC: that lady behind him is coming over tonight
Moon: she’s a BIG briefs fan
UC: Joke is on her though- he really just wants to make her an offer for her jacket- It’s a valentines gift for Rob

Any chance you need someone to give an opinion on how the new briefs look!? You know where to find us!

Love,
UC & Moon

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