Posted by: themoonisdown | February 4, 2010

Which Rob Pattinson will we get when he finally reemerges?! This chart should help us

*It’s been so long since we last saw Rob SingleStrand and friends have put together this handy dandy chart and guide so that we will know what to expect when we next see Rob. Enjoy!*

Srsly click to enlarge this Bingo of Robs, it's AMAZING!!

Dear Rob,

So it’s been, like, ages since we saw you last and that makes me a sad panda. I mean, what if when you surface again, I have a heart attack from over-stimulation? What if you’ve forgotten how to interact inappropriately given each specific situation? What if, we the fans don’t recognize you? All this worry is keeping me up at night so MeteorMuse and I decided we needed a chart. Just a little somethin’ to keep in our back pocket, so that when there becomes a whirlwind of you (promoting Remember Me and Eclipse, filming a new movie, getting drunk and waiting for me behind a dumpster), we will be prepared and can recognize the Rob we have been given. And just a hint Rob, you may want to print one of these handy guys out yourself so you will know what the fans expect.

Check out the chart here to print and/or follow along!

First, we have AwardRob aka OscarRob. This Rob is wearing a tux or at least a sexy suit but is probably sans underwear. His hair is washed (!) and probably freshly cut but he isn’t completely clean-shaven. AwardRob is flirty (it couldn’t be the eight glasses of champagne). I think we all have February 22, 2009, and OscarRob’s little red carpet panty-dropper emblazoned in our brains. Yes, OscarRob wants to get you alone and take his time with you. You will definitely fall in love with AwardRob.

Hmmm photoshoot Rob

PhotoshootRob is amazingly sultry and sexy. He’s been wearing rich designer clothes all day while eyef*cking a camera. PhotoRob may or may not have stolen a pinky ring or a tee shirt from the shoot and his hair is perfectly tousled. Since the day has basically been one big tease, all PhotoRob can think about is finding a great girl and playing with some toys, ifyouknowwhatimsayin. Your place or his, it won’t matter.

DrunkRob is one of my favorite Robs. DrunkRob looks like a hobo in some form of trench coat over dirty clothes. Hey, if it’s good enough for the floor, it’s good enough for the bar! He definitely has his cigs, cell phone, and a pocket full of random crap, usually NOT including his wallet. Beware DrunkRob sticking you with the tab or cab fare. He’s forgetful like that! After three or thirteen Heinekens, DrunkRob may only be capable of second base before passing out fully clothed in a random hotel room.

Follow the cut as SingleStrand breaks down the rest of the chart and what we can expect from Rob when he comes out of hiding

Hi, I'm pressRob I may or may not have showered today

PressRob dresses somewhere between DrunkRob and AwardRob. He’s tricky because he may be in a blazer and dress shirt or he may be in a beanie and Stoli tee shirt. Keeps ya on your toes. His hair is in the range of dirty and he may not have showered. PressRob chugs water like a mother effer (all the better to watch your lips and hands, Rob) and he is playful, letting his obnoxiously adorkable laugh loose often. However, do not under any circumstances think you might get some with PressRob. Those junkets are exhausting and it’s hard being “on” all the time, woman! (that’s what she said)

PlaidRob is my other favorite Rob. Whether the shirt is his own or one of the BritPack’s, it looks amazing on PlaidRob. He’s totes wearing RayBans to cover up the hangover or KStew’s face punch when she discovered his hidden HotPocket stash. PlaidRob drinks lots of caffeine and is generally in a brooding mood. But if you can get his attention, he’s probably up for a lazy romp behind the nearest dumpster… at least a bj or hj.

Hello, Robward's bouffant at your service

Finally, Robward. You know, a lot of us fell in love with Rob because of Robward. However, there are several reasons why Robward is NOT the best Rob. First, Robward dresses like your grandpa, with Brooks Brothers on speed dial. He wears lipstick, his hair is a bouffant and he is constantly clean shaven. Geezle Summit, let the man grow a little stubble! Robward’s attitude can best be described as a Sullen Cullen. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer, Rob. And finally, you will never ever get anywhere sexually with Robward. Seriously. He’s the king of his own cockblock. We respect Robward and we love him like a gateway drug, but that is all.

So, there you have it ladies (and Rob). There are so many Robs out there, we have to be prepared at all times for whichever Rob we might see. Which Rob is your favorite? Did we miss a spectacular Rob? Special thanks to Robsten4Life for the quick access (TWSS) to the Robpics and to MeteorMuse (aka @KateMLey) for the beautiful work on the chart!

Waiting for my Rob to come,

SingleStrand (@ekels)

So which Rob will it be? And who already printed out this chart (*raises hand*)? Also I love that SingleStrand compared Robward to a gateway drug! How true is that?!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter


Responses

  1. OK, that did it. I must post again. This is genious, SS! I have printed out and will use this as reference.
    Dear Rob, I hope for your sake that you have taken a good look at this chart, possibly printed out and carry it in your back pocket!
    But SS, we will need a MountainmanRob if the beard situation continues.

  2. SingleStrand,

    Be my friend.

    Seriously, this was hilarious, and, were I not concerned with IT finding it, print-worthy.

    Love,
    Zees

    • Fuck it, I printed it out and left it on my coworker’s chair.

      • Oops! Is your co-worker a Robfan, hopefully??

        • hahaha, she’s a she. And a Rob fan.

          Of course, she is not to be confused with my 27 year old, married with two kids male coworker who told me he and his wife watched Twilight the other night and he really liked it and went and bought the books and is in the middle of reading it.

          • Well, I hope that your 27 year old, married with two kids male coworker enjoys the books. All fans are welcome…
            Its a little odd though. You must report back on his reaction to all the girl angst in NM!

          • haha
            you must report back if he’s reading personal/sexual identity books, buys VF or any other magazine with a Rob photoshoot and finally leaves his wife.

          • unicorns in the workplace, aaaaahh!

          • It’s a phenomenon… I’ve got a close friend whose training-to-be-a minister, 25-year-old, engineer husband LOVES Twilight… books and movies. He was offended by the Womanizer video, but loves Twi. WTF? If only he read fanfic 🙂

    • I would love to be your friend. I’m friending you right now.
      Is your coworker male or female? Male makes this scenario way more funny in my brain. You should tape it to the men’s bathroom wall at work just so fingers don’t start pointing your way.

  3. Hi guys, completely off topic…

    I just saw this movie title: ‘The Pleasure of Being Robbed’.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1189259/

    The movie has nothing to do with HHH, but the title says it all, don’t you think??

    • Mmm, being Robbed does sound pleasurable.

      • VERY

    • drsaka, I sure would love for Rob to rob me.

      • I think that we have a new verb!

        • Have you been robbed yet? 😉

          • Its going to be extremely useful as a descriptor!

    • why can’t I give u more thumbs up? shit.
      Thanks for sharing this vital information.

      • IKR, its vital! I can relate almost everything back to Rob now: is it possible to lose your mind so repeatedly?

        Anyway, its the most perfect title I’ve ever seen.

  4. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by Janetrigs: Dear @ekels: You are my people (holla @lula34)! Love Drunk ROB! “Good enough for the floor = goo enough for the bar”. http://bit.ly/cG6iN6

  5. Best letter and best chart ever! I can’t seem to make my mind which Rob incarnation I would choose. So can I have all of them ? (yes, I know – being a little greedy here – but that’s what being a fragile little humain entails).
    Oh and I’ve printed the chart by the way.

  6. Great stuff Singlestrand. I love ALL Robs. 3 that I’d like to add (not sure if anyone else already has…didn’t have time to click on “newer comments”) are Short Hair Rob, Musician Rob (could be piano, guitar or my heart strings, no matter), and I really really love me some Vest Wearing Rob! …cat…sigh.

    • Musician Rob is a good one!

      • I second that!

    • MUSICIAN ROB FTW. Must go consult MeteorMuse on chart additions now…

      • For ser. How did we miss that one? Ooh, can we have a piano for the sex cell? Yum.

        • God yes. What fic is that…is that ALE? or CW&IA? Shit. My hooha almost burst into flames with that scene…

      • Lemme know when the reprint goes to press. Gotta have some Musician Rob to the Bingo game (ooooooooo, that’s a BIngo)

    • GOD YES musician Rob! The best Rob of them all! Can I have Rob drunk, dressed in plaid, clean-shaven, playing a piano and singing to me? Is that too greedy?

  7. Single Strand, awesome post, love the Bingothing!
    Love all Robs, but just for today I pick photoRob…haha…Must be because I’ve been reading gossip about the Details shoot, rumors are a model is on top of the Rob while tugging at his zipper…(uhm yeah, no comment) Bloody lucky model I’d say…;-)

    Meanwhile I’m in a dillema if I go and see Bobby Long, found out he’s in the country this Saturday…Last gig of small European tour…Had plans, friends also…
    But it IS quite tempting…Sigh…What’ll do?

    • Its hard to choose!

      • I know, right? But right now I’m distracted by his hands…Is there also a special fingerpornRob??? 😉

    • Holy cow….a nekkid model on top of Rob tugging on his zipper.

      I’m so jealous.

  8. Oh yeah, the fingerporn on the bingochart reminded me of the best gif ever, could stare it this for hours:

    Rob has (hands down) THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HANDS I ever saw on a man…It ain’t fair…

    • The vid (love the name of it), oh my…….

      • Yeah, great name, made me laugh, can’t take the credit though…

      • Wow, did it just get cold in here?

    • *stares and blinks*

      *squirms*

    • jebus….

    • Umm…this. Yeah I watched that on the Forum the other day for nearly an hour. Fingerporn is my favorite attribute of Rob’s. Rob, if you are reading today, please to be sharing your fingers with me.

    • Oh my, I’m imagining the possibilities, they’re endless!

      • Sb, I might be the only one who is freaked out by his extremely long hands. And I was even more freaked out after seing the gif. He could do a knot with his fingers if there’s even more things going through his head than at the moment of the gif. Cause that was pretty intense.

        But Sb, now that you mentioned all the possibilities, I like the hands all of the sudden.

        • His hands are unusual, very large with very long fingers, but very skilled (musician, remember?). This evokes ideas.

          And again, damn you fanfic!

        • mp,
          yes, you are the only one freaked out by Robhands.
          sorry,
          ml

    • I think I was just ‘robbed’ by the fingerporn vid.

      • haha, me too…ME TOO, believe me…

    • I wanna be hand lotion.

      • …just sayin

      • BEST IDEA EVER, Lion…(also I wanna be his piano keys or guitar string, cigarette, can’t choose…ifyaknowwhatImean)

        And OT, just saw this video of Rob talking about his chesthair, I remember seeing it a long time ago, but his expressions and such…I’ve decided I take a bit with this Rob for today as well…Oh my, can’t be selfish, will share:
        http://defamer.gawker.com/5046775/twilight-star-robert-pattinson-wonders-why-youre-so-afraid-of-his-chest-hair

        • Cath- did you see TomStu in the background in the beginning?

          I missed this one- awesomely funny. He’s really excited and the word vomit this there- describing his chest hair as ‘early pubes’.

          This is a golden vid- possibly Rob Hall of Fame worthy.

          You’ve got all the good links today!

          • drsaka, you’re very welcome!

            *Goes back and checks for the Tomstu* Woot! Good one! TomStu in his amazing mountainman/Joaquin Phoenix disguise as Rob’s date. You’ve got better detective skills than me! (TomStu looks real suspicious there though, shiffling about LOL.

            I don’t know what it is this evening, but I was reading something completely not Robrelated and still managed to run in to that link.
            I know, the wordvomit, if I’d been interviewing him I’d would’ve asked what he would be doing for the rest of his life…haha. (or something what less corny ;-))

        • Thanks Cath and Drsaka,

          Love seeing this again and great call on TomStu in the background…can’t believe I never noticed…but consider who’s in the foreground…

          • Yes, its difficult to see anyone else when Rob is there! Rob looked great there and he was talking a mile a minute, too.

            But I glimpsed ‘TomStu in his amazing mountainman/Joaquin Phoenix disguise as Rob’s date’ as Cath described him, and had to comment.
            Hhmmm, now Rob is disguised as a mountain man, hhmmmm…..

          • Looks like he not only borrows TomStu’s clothes…but also his looks…Godforbid that Rob’s spotted with beard AND the Ray Bans, that would complete it…

            Dear Rob,

            Don’t do it.

            Love ya,

            Cath

  9. I’ll take any incarnation of Rob. Any.
    I won’t discriminate.

  10. OMG this chart is amazing and it will def come in handy!!! I love your blog!!!

  11. I’d like a greasy bouffant wit cigs, butter fingers, dirty shirt, raybans, ridin’ dirty, plaid-slightly-drunkRob….. with fries… err… and a diet coke.

    ….SUPERSIZED, please! 😀

    • ps. I’m printing this shit.

  12. ha ha todays post = major win
    that chart is priceless!!
    must say robward is still the best (twilght only of course, don’t get me started about robward fail in new moon!) didn’t know who rob was before i watched twilight I will never forget seeing him walk into the canteen for the first time!
    but photoshoot rob never disappoints, that little finger ring in the vf shoot *sigh*

    • That ring was almost the death of me. I told MeteorMuse that the only accessory for PhotoShootRob necessary was a pinky ring.

  13. This is perfect.

    Dying.

  14. hmm, i choose…. ALL of them.

    yeah, i’m that greedy.

  15. OMG!! crying and stifling LOL art work. TGIF! and i’ve only read the ‘chart’ not even the whole post yet..now i’ve drawn attention to myslef i have to wait.. deep breathe…giggle.. oh phew! you all crack me up!

  16. “Hi, I’m PressRob I may or may not have showered today”

    FTW

    *mope* and U Cant Touch This made me almost spit coffee at my screen.

    Goldust, seriously! (like tweed!)

  17. […] Which Rob Pattinson will we get when he finally reemerges?! This chart should help us *It’s been so long since we last saw Rob SingleStrand and friends have put together this handy dandy chart and […] […]

  18. That was possibly my favourite post of this year so far. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Rob Chart, and intend on affixing it to the wall of my cubicle so I can gaze at it all day long. It’s hilarious. Good work, two thumbs up from me 🙂

  19. DRuNKROB for the Win!!! he is awesome, looks always funny, he is the one who fall in his ass, the one who throws up in the cab, the one who is laughing so hard that pisses himself..OMG I LOOOVEEE Drunk Rob and if TomStu is nearby, heeeaavennnnnnn

  20. Totally late to the party today… but I love everything about this. Genius! Well done ladies. I need more friends who can make awesome charts.

  21. HAHA i loveee it. finally ill be able to get all my robs straight =D

  22. OMG! I love your website!

    I love the bingo of Robs 😀 lol

    you are absolutly right! lol

    My favorite is PlaidRob!

  23. In My Bed Rob.

    Actually, I’ve had that Rob, since I’m in bed when I dream about him. And man, I had a DOOZY this morning!

  24. I would choose AwardRob cause i like nice’n’slow


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