*It’s been so long since we last saw Rob SingleStrand and friends have put together this handy dandy chart and guide so that we will know what to expect when we next see Rob. Enjoy!*
So it’s been, like, ages since we saw you last and that makes me a sad panda. I mean, what if when you surface again, I have a heart attack from over-stimulation? What if you’ve forgotten how to interact inappropriately given each specific situation? What if, we the fans don’t recognize you? All this worry is keeping me up at night so MeteorMuse and I decided we needed a chart. Just a little somethin’ to keep in our back pocket, so that when there becomes a whirlwind of you (promoting Remember Me and Eclipse, filming a new movie, getting drunk and waiting for me behind a dumpster), we will be prepared and can recognize the Rob we have been given. And just a hint Rob, you may want to print one of these handy guys out yourself so you will know what the fans expect.
Check out the chart here to print and/or follow along!
First, we have AwardRob aka OscarRob. This Rob is wearing a tux or at least a sexy suit but is probably sans underwear. His hair is washed (!) and probably freshly cut but he isn’t completely clean-shaven. AwardRob is flirty (it couldn’t be the eight glasses of champagne). I think we all have February 22, 2009, and OscarRob’s little red carpet panty-dropper emblazoned in our brains. Yes, OscarRob wants to get you alone and take his time with you. You will definitely fall in love with AwardRob.
PhotoshootRob is amazingly sultry and sexy. He’s been wearing rich designer clothes all day while eyef*cking a camera. PhotoRob may or may not have stolen a pinky ring or a tee shirt from the shoot and his hair is perfectly tousled. Since the day has basically been one big tease, all PhotoRob can think about is finding a great girl and playing with some toys, ifyouknowwhatimsayin. Your place or his, it won’t matter.
DrunkRob is one of my favorite Robs. DrunkRob looks like a hobo in some form of trench coat over dirty clothes. Hey, if it’s good enough for the floor, it’s good enough for the bar! He definitely has his cigs, cell phone, and a pocket full of random crap, usually NOT including his wallet. Beware DrunkRob sticking you with the tab or cab fare. He’s forgetful like that! After three or thirteen Heinekens, DrunkRob may only be capable of second base before passing out fully clothed in a random hotel room.
Follow the cut as SingleStrand breaks down the rest of the chart and what we can expect from Rob when he comes out of hiding
PressRob dresses somewhere between DrunkRob and AwardRob. He’s tricky because he may be in a blazer and dress shirt or he may be in a beanie and Stoli tee shirt. Keeps ya on your toes. His hair is in the range of dirty and he may not have showered. PressRob chugs water like a mother effer (all the better to watch your lips and hands, Rob) and he is playful, letting his obnoxiously adorkable laugh loose often. However, do not under any circumstances think you might get some with PressRob. Those junkets are exhausting and it’s hard being “on” all the time, woman! (that’s what she said)
PlaidRob is my other favorite Rob. Whether the shirt is his own or one of the BritPack’s, it looks amazing on PlaidRob. He’s totes wearing RayBans to cover up the hangover or KStew’s face punch when she discovered his hidden HotPocket stash. PlaidRob drinks lots of caffeine and is generally in a brooding mood. But if you can get his attention, he’s probably up for a lazy romp behind the nearest dumpster… at least a bj or hj.
Finally, Robward. You know, a lot of us fell in love with Rob because of Robward. However, there are several reasons why Robward is NOT the best Rob. First, Robward dresses like your grandpa, with Brooks Brothers on speed dial. He wears lipstick, his hair is a bouffant and he is constantly clean shaven. Geezle Summit, let the man grow a little stubble! Robward’s attitude can best be described as a Sullen Cullen. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer, Rob. And finally, you will never ever get anywhere sexually with Robward. Seriously. He’s the king of his own cockblock. We respect Robward and we love him like a gateway drug, but that is all.
So, there you have it ladies (and Rob). There are so many Robs out there, we have to be prepared at all times for whichever Rob we might see. Which Rob is your favorite? Did we miss a spectacular Rob? Special thanks to Robsten4Life for the quick access (TWSS) to the Robpics and to MeteorMuse (aka @KateMLey) for the beautiful work on the chart!
Waiting for my Rob to come,
So which Rob will it be? And who already printed out this chart (*raises hand*)? Also I love that SingleStrand compared Robward to a gateway drug! How true is that?!