I hear you’re going on The View- is this true? Cause hunny, if it is…..those ladies are going to EAT you alive! You better start preparing now. Read the paper every day to catch up on your current events. Pick up a subscription to Star magazine (don’t worry- with you in hiding they haven’t had you on the cover in awhile) to make sure you know what fake but semi-true things are going on in pop culture. And Rob- whatever you do- DON’T forget to watch The View every day from now until March 2nd. You can’t rely on Emile to cover you during this promo experience. The ladies of The View are going to be SO anxious to talk to you that I wouldn’t be surprised if Emile’s morning OJ is “accidentally” spiked with some sleeping pills and she has to cancel her appearance at the last minute. They want you. And you only.
I’m not really familiar with the show. I haven’t actually seen an episode since that Lisa Ling girl left- well, until that bout of sickness I had a few weeks back when there was NOTHING left to watch on morning TV. So my experience is limited, but I’m pretty sure I can still help you out, so listen up!
Usually the gals start out the morning with rapid fire current events. So once they introduce you, strut your sexy self up to their table and flash them that dazzling Edward Cullen Robert Pattinson smile. Barbara will probably say something unintelligible in her weird accent, so just smile and nod. Or respond in some equally unintelligible weird British accent thing. Then she can smile & nod. And whatever you do, keep your eyes on above Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s shoulders. She’s still breast feeding. Yes, we know they look nice.
If I was on a show with a bunch of strong, opinionated women, I’d want to see what this new hot guy they threw in to steal my screen time knew about the day’s events. They’ll definitely ask you if you think the health care bill is dead. Just use your “I’m British and have been in London since Christmas” card on that one. You can’t use that for every answer, but in the case of politics it’s Elisabeth vs. the rest of the gals which to you translates to perky boobs v. saggy boobs. We know who you’re going to side with on that one. And you DON’T wanna cross Joy. She’ll call you an idiot. And you might cry.
They’re bound to discuss the Oscars. Here is where you can take the opportunity to mention you hope Anna Kendrick takes home the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress because “she’s a really good friend of mine.” That will hopefully get them asking about Anna and forget all the rumors they’ve heard about you and some other co-star. Watch it though- the plan could backfire because everyone knows M’onique deserves the Oscar. And then Sherri Shepard might look you square in the eye and say, “I hear you’re dating that skinny bitch who can eat anything and still be as skinny as a twig but with enough of an ass to be hot.” Sherri just lost a lot of weight. Don’t let her know you’re into really skinny chicks like Kristen. If it goes there tell them that whenever she eats a burrito you can see it over her leather pants and people think she’s pregnant. That might calm them down. Or it might not. Just try to get a copy of the stage layout before-hand so you can know at all times where the closet exit is.
Just remember what I said. Prepare, prepare, prepare. These women could talk about anything. Better pick up the latest issue of “Parenting” magazine in case they want to discuss the g-diapers. Have Dean/Steve, your security card, practice with you. Ask your mom, sisters & borrow your dad’s girlie magazines so that you can find pictures of every woman in Hollywood and rate their hottness. Think along the lines of: Reese Witherspoon- definitely hot. Octomom- wasn’t hot but is now kinda hot with her new body. Elisabeth Hasselbeck- Definitely hot. No, no! Don’t admit it. She’ll get cocky. Just flash her that dazzling Edward Cullen Robert Pattinson smile when the others ask what you think of her and say- “She seems really great!”
Follow the jump for more advice for your time on The View!
Once you move to the couch with the ladies it will get more personal. Here are some practice scenarios. Pay close attention. These scenerios are not necessarily what you SHOULD do, they are just what you will probably do:
Barbara: Rob, what was it like working with Pierce Brosnan?
Rob: It was great. He was really inspiring an taught me how to—
Barbara: Sure sure, but were you intimated by his good looks?
Rob: um… not really…. I mean it wasn’t like—
Barbara: Why not!? He WAS James Bond… I interviewed him once and he was just so charming. So delightful. He really was a beautiful man. It’s unbelievable how one can be so handsome on screen but in person be that much more gorgeous. I got lost in his eyes when we were discussing his life as 007…….(far off look)
Rob: (gulp) Um…. okay…..
Try this instead:
Barbara: Rob, what was it like working with Pierce Brosnan?
Rob: Very intimidating. he’s the most handsome man on the planet. Hey- didn’t you interview him once?
Barbara: why yes, I did. How did you know that?
Rob: He told me. Actually, he told me to tell you to give him a call….
Joy: Rob I hear you have a lot of crazy menopausal fans out there
Rob: No, I think most of my fans are young teenagers, enamored with the idea of me as Edward
Joy: I’m not so sure about this. I heard about something….. something called… The Office?
Rob: (Blushes with recognition)
Joy: I can assure you they are NOT teen fans. And the ones who read my writings aren’t either— oops
Rob: What? Wait… Are you….. joyslashedward? Writer of “Forever isn’t long enough to love you, so let’s do it right now and die in the middle of an orgasm?”
Joy: You’ve read it!?! (eyes lighting up)
Rob: NO.. I mean.. I heard.. maybe… someone sent it to me, but I just read the title- I wouldn’t.. I don’t… No…
Elisabeth: So Rob, how do you think Obama is doing as president
Rob: Um, well, I’m not exactly sure because he isn’t MY president, but he seems nice enough….
Elisabeth: (stroking Rob’s arm, fluttering her eyes) Rob are you SURE about that?
Rob: (eyes drift down past her shoulders for the first time) Uh…….
Elisabeth: Are you stopping over at Fox News during this press tour at all?
Rob: Uh…….I don’t think so…..
Elisabeth: What about Rush? Are you stopping by there?
Rob: The band!? They have a talk show!? That’s great! I hope that Summit adds them—-
Elisabeth: (Frowns) No, Rush Limbaugh………(removes her arm, pulls up her shirt to hide her cleavage)
Whoopi: Rob why aren’t you talking to me? Don’t you know who I am?”
Rob: Sorry.. you weren’t on my flash cards….
Whoopi: I’m Whoopi Goldberg! I hosted the Oscars before!
Whoopi: I was in Jumpin’ Jack Flash! And Sister Act
Rob: Oh! I’ve seen that one! It takes place in a convent, right? With the Von Trapp Family?
Practice makes perfect Rob…Good Luck!