Posted by: themoonisdown | January 17, 2010

Robert Pattinson has a Tiger Woods’ style affair and gets away with it!

*In light of the whole Tiger Woods scandal, January Morning tells Rob he has nothing to worry about if he ever chose to ditch the zero and get with a hero. IfyouknowwhatImsayin’.*

Go ahead Rob, we'll never know!

Dear Rob,

I know that you’re a celebrity but with all the insane coverage EVEN you must have heard about Tiger-gate. In light of all these developments, i want to tell you how if you were cheating you would never get caught – in case you ever get sick of K-Stew monogamy.
c
1. You dont know how to text well-enough to send me dirty messages so that i could save them and sell them to the media keep them for later. Considering you just recently updated your jitterbug to a real phone I’m really not convinced you even know how to text. Or, if you do… you probably text like an 8th grade girl. Like:
c
Hi, Whts ^
U r cute
Lets hang L8 @ my rm
I ❤ hotpockets
C u L8

DOH! I got caught. I shoulda been RPattz

c
2. You wear the same clothes for days. No one would suspect anything of you, if you came stumbling out of a hotel wearing the same clothes from last night… or even last week probably. People would just assume that your being your normal hygiene-challenged sexy self. No one would have to know you spent the night with someone who isnt a cranky mullet-wearing non-smiler your girlfriend.
c

3. You could say you were hanging out with your other sister. You know, that one NO ONE knows about. What’s her name? Veronica? Victoria? Vivienne? Who knows! Which is why is works to your advantage. You just tell K-Stew your current g/f you were spending time with her and since i think MAYBE 5 people have seen her face, she’ll definitely believe you.
c

Wait, I texted you WHAT?!

4. DENY DENY DENY. Rob, i know your good at it now. You denied, side-stepped, and dodged your way through countless interviews about banging befriending Kristen, so just sing the same old song. Anytime anyone mentions it, just answer your cryptic little answers, laugh, run your fingers through your hair, and exude your orgasmic everyday robness – people will believe!
c

At the end of the day, you might be just too much Rob for one woman… let the LTR girls take care of that for you! Remember, we are the rob is more than just a song – its a lifestyle!
c
Wanting to be Rob’s mistress number 1,
JanuaryMorning
c
If you’re number 1, can I be his number 2 gal? Wait… ummm maybe I’ll be number 3. Give a big hand to January Morning and let us know which mistress you are and what other tips Rob needs…

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Responses

  1. LMAO…of the “we are the Rob = lifestyle”…so true that!!!
    He would NOT get caught…you nailed it!Grazie mille!

    PLUS…..I have a feeling….that……
    NOBODY would believe the GIRL (in case she would like to sell her “adventure”)!!!

    so as I’m very able to keep my trap SHUT….we could make the perfect couple…just sayin……lol

  2. JM,

    Your letter was great!! “People would just assume that your being your normal hygiene-challenged sexy self.” LOL

    If anyone could pull it off, having someone on the side, it would be Rob. If he wants to have a go, I could definitely be there for him. He could even leave some clothing at my home, just in case he actually needed a wardrobe change.

  3. If the mullet ever chases you, Rob, with a golf club or maybe her cool vinatge guitar, just throw her Converse Kicks in the street and watch her stop dead in her tracks. Then run like hell.

    • Of course I meant ‘vintage’. Need more coffee.

  4. Rob,

    I am also a great discreet girlfriend. Look at us: we’ve been having this secret affair for months and no one knows about it, not even you.

    JM, good idea for your letter. Since when did exclusivist relationships become that serious for people in their early twenties? Of course if I ever found myself in an exclusivist relationship with a certain guy that we’ll call Rob for more precision, I might completely change my opinion on this subject.

    • …not even you…lol!!!

    • Been having a secret affair for months and no one knows, not even you…

      Minuit,
      You are totes hilarious!

      • I think I’m more making fun of myself here…as everyday since I saw this Rob guy’s inteviews.

  5. good afternon everyone thanks for that lovely post ,u made me laugh.Rob’s probably text is awsome. i don’t know to much about tiger’s chating details but i want yo a number too as Rob’s mistress.i can go dawn till n.8-it’s may favourite-plus yeah he is too much for a woman and we are the Rob:)God i love this song.By the way i miss the vanity fair style,i hope we’ll have a lot while Rob’s new movie’s shooting.And i heard that Rob was seen at London Library/history section what about that?

  6. JM, loved your letter.

    Now, confession: We had a little impromptu dinner party at my place last night. Somehow the subject of Rob’s new movie came up. Some one asked when it came out, ect. I must have sounded “too enthusiastic” because suddenly the room went deathly quiet and all eyes turned to me…

    Glad to have you ladies here at LTR to discuss my acute fondness for Rob with or I’d really start wondering if I’m NORMAL after all..

    • don’t feel bad.. I have guests for the weekend… and I forgot to take down the vanity fair pics in my room/screensaver/calendar in my living room.. my ex was staying here to see my daughter.. and was like “Ughhh!!! everything has that guy on it!” LOL.. oops.

    • I love stories about people being “outed” …more everday. I outed myself last night when I saw a 12′ x 12′ poster of Remember Me in a movie lobby with a person I hardly know.

      Apparently, I am a shameless Robophile.

      • haha..”apparently”….you are pretty much like ME…sista!

      • ML, apparently I am too…

      • I outet myself when a girl said ‘That guy Robert Pattison and Kirstin Stewardess…’ and I corrected her being all like: ‘It’s Robert PattiNson bitch!!’. Oh I am so bad…

      • Aren’t we all? 🙂 Shameless and robophiles!

    • LOL!
      I’m sooo with you! Had something similar happen friday night. Thank God my friends enjoyed the company of the barkeeper enough before I had my “Rob-slip”. Nobody really got it :-))
      It’s so hard to be cautious all the time, isn’t it?

      • It’s so hard. That’s what she said.

      • Silence, yeah, it is. It’s like I have to be on guard 24/7. Rob’s name slips out sometimes before I even realize what I’ve said.

        Yes, it’s so hard…

    • LOL on the “deathly quiet.”

      I got that too on New Year’s eve. Obviously I also sounded a little too enthusiastic and I “knew” too much! :-).

      So I was teased and I retorted: “whatever, bite me!” LOL They left me alone after that.

  7. and Rob, if you get caught.. just raise your eyebrows and look confused… and then just flash some sexy eyes… and you’ll be forgiven. You are like a natural resource of hotness… it would be unfair for one girl to keep you to herself.. that’s like keeping a river to yourself…

    it just isn’t fair.. but it’s ok.. we will share you 😉

  8. Dear Rob,
    I don’t mind if I’m mistress no. 27 or 96, or a one night stand. Just remember that there is enough love in you for all of us “we are the Rob” people (=women).
    Love, Me

  9. January, Please be careful. I have a feeling a pissed-off KStew would make Elin Nordegren look like a kitten weilding a golf club…
    Great letter!

  10. Dear Rob,

    Our night together will be difficult to cover up as I will surely die when you are done with me.

    Signed,
    not sorry at all…

    ps if my DH reads this, I’m totally kiddin’

    • LMFAO… “ps if my DH reads this, I’m totally kiddin’” hilarious!!!!

    • “ps if my DH reads this, I’m totally kiddin’”

      *rofl* You’re killing me!

    • LOL. Hopefully my DH won’t ever read any of this. That why I don’t use a picture of myself for my avatar. Gotta be incognito!

  11. I hope he never cheats (and if he does hopefully with me)
    Girls I just have to share this with you cause this is just weird http://maine.craigslist.org/m4w/1525610833.html

    • ahhh craigslist.. did you have to search edward to find that?? lol… ya know.. not that I’ve ever done that hehehe 😉

    • That ad is seriously disturbing and wrong on many levels…but, it’s also kind of funny…hehehe…I’m sure he looks like a frog, but I also wouldn’t like to meet the living (breathing?) ‘Bella’s’ who reply to this ‘Edward’…I give him one thing though, he can spell, haha…And it’s sure something else…

      Quote: ‘No threat of my incisors sinking into your carotid artery’ and then something unspeakable… No threat, hahaha…NO CHANCE either way…

      Uhm, I’d rather have Rob, uhm, bite me…

    • Wow, I wonder if someone actually replied to that man?

      • the local hospital, from where a ‘special’ patient escaped?

        I’m not sure I can think in a foreign language at this hour, I’m sure ‘from where” is wierd, but you get my point.

        • OMG MP you are still awake? Honey please get some sleep!

          Yes a special patient indeed escaped from a mental asylum?

          • I’m working on a fucking report I have to hand in tomorrow, it’s 5 AM and I’m not done. I think I might get sick and be unable to go to work tomorrow. Oh, what a pitty.

  12. That’s just wrong…on so many levels…And I bet the guy looks more like the amphibian from “The Princess and The Frog” than like Edward!

    Ribbit.

  13. January – love the letter!

    Rob – Please don’t cheat. If you want to get with some/all of the awesome LTR girls, just break up with Kristen. One of the reasons that I am fond of you is that you seem like a good guy. Don’t be a cheater slimeball (do I sound bitter?).

  14. Which mistress I am?

    Dare I say it?
    69 😉

    (Oh my God, oh my God, I can’t believe I really just wrote that. *blush*)

    Which other tips I think Rob needs?

    Get a more “really close female friends”(like yoyknowwho) ;-)!

  15. Dear Rob,

    Can I be a mistress too? A while back I had a dumb idea. Because so many women love you so much, I thought we would form a harem. I’d be wife no. 1 and so forth. LOL.

    See Rob, what have you done to me? You’ve corrupted a perfect demure little southern girl. 😉
    Btw, I like it.

    Thanks
    SB

    • Perfect demure little southern girl! LOL.

      Me too, SB, me too!

  16. Just like a deli counter. Take a ticket and join the queue. And what a deli – cious prize you get!

  17. I just can’t wait for them to break up…

    Rob, dumping Kstew… happiest day… ever…hehehehe

    • What do you mean “break up”?

      How dare you!!!
      They are going to be together for ETERNITY and get married and have babies and a golden Retriever and a highly secured house with a white picket fence and…

      Ok, enough sarcasm for today.

      • and then he is gonna get into polygamy and add a few wives… COUGH COUGH… like me.. (and some of the rest of you can come too…) I don’t mind kstew.. if I get some too. 😉 hehehe … kristen is kinda cute if I’m not in jealous mode

      • shhhhhh…. silence… hehehehehehehe… and they will name their baby renesme…half mullet, half jaw…

  18. So my friends and I submitted our own cards for Apples to Apples and I submitted “Behind a Dumpster”. I almost had to explain that to my group. #NotReadyForIt
    Thanks Ladies!

  19. oaft wat a sexy boy, widnae mind him singing me a lullaby no matter how good his singing voice is 😉

  20. Dear Rob,
    Chinese emperor had 3000 mistress in ancient China only.
    But you can have them all over the world.
    I’ll be waiting here patiently.
    Here’s hoping.

  21. Calling all robert pattinson fans please vote for him at http://www.hellomagazine.com/vote/grand-finale2009/menattractive.html?presentar=resultado

    As the most attractive man as as only a few hours are left and he is about to loose to hugh laurie!


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