Posted by: themoonisdown | January 11, 2010

Rob’s Mailbag: A dude writes Robert Pattinson and Rob writes back

*Since we write a blog called “Letters to Rob” we receieve TONS of emails (yea, sorry it takes a while for us to respond sometimes we’re busy with uh… rob… things). Mostly people write to us, about us, about Rob or about Twilight. But then there are those “special” people who think WE ARE ROB. Cause Rob writes letters to himself on a blog, daily. Riiiiight. So let’s empty out ol Rob’s mailbag and see what the crazy has brought us today and then we’ll let “Rob” answer them cause he has nothing else to do right now while he’s holed up in his parents house*

it's true

hey rob (if your robs assistant reading please pass on0 –

you probly dont remeber me but my names also “rob” (really “robert”) and you were at this concert of your freinds band at that place hoetel cafe in hollywood? and you came outside when i was outside smoking and asked for one of mine and i gave you one. i thinkn you di’dn’t even smoke it because all these paparazis were all over you pretty fast but we made jokes about the door guy and how he thinks hes this poet and always reading his shitty poetry to people? anyway that was me. i had on a fallout boy tshirt.

anyway i know its wierd but i had a favor to ask you becasue you seem like a ok guy. i took this girl natalee to see that show and then she was all pissed that i met you and she didnt (she was inside wtching the show). and i mean she went on about how why did’nt i come in and get her and introduce her and all this. sometims she does that and comes off all like a bitch but shes always really sweet to my little brother whos “learnig disabled” and shes mosty really nice. and ill be honest man, she will do whatever thing i want hr to doin the sack so you know how it is. but now so whenever we get in a fight shes always like why didnt you even think about me and come get me you know i think hes my favrite acter, you never think about me only yourself your so selfish and i dont even know why i date you. (she means me.) blah blah blah pms shit. but now its like shes not even ltting me touc h her at all.

Read the rest of the other Rob’s letter along with Rob’s response and some more amazing FallOut Boy tshirts

damn that Ashlee Simpson...

so man i know your busy and its a big favor but man could i jsut get you to say hi to her in personN? my frisnd who works at the hotel cafe says you hang around whenever your freind bobby long plays, but he cant hook me up with you because he will lose his job. ive gone to four bobby long shows in town since we met and i havents seen you once. i even ask bobby long every time but i know hes not gonna rat you out. maybe your backstage or something. but if i knew youd be there i could bring natalee and you could just say hi real quick. i promise it wouldnt take long and shed be really exited then shed chill out on me. and honestly man i need to get some real soon. a mans got needs. i know you hear me on that. (please dont talk about kristen because natalee gets all pissy and jelous. right, like youd even talk to natalees chunky ass if i didnt get you to. we both know you didnt get with your girl for her acting. man to man.)

i hpe this gets to you. sorry this is so long but i had to explain it. if you want ill even buy you beers. you seem liek a standup guy so i’m sure you know where im coming from. drinks on me, man.

thanks,
rob
(the other “rob”)
ps, dont worry about putting us on the list, my freind can get us on.

And now for the response…

He's going downtown in an earlier round, sugar we're going down swinging

Dear (the other) Rob,

Nice name, man. Sorry to say it but I havent been around lately, if you follow anything about me (and youre a dude so you shouldnt. high five) you’d know I’m in the UK right now living it up at crappy beer gardens and taking strolls with my um….maybe….maybe not… don’t tell the my publicist I’m talking about this… girlfriend getting smashed off 1.50 shots otherwise id maybe show up to one of those four shows youve been to but I’ll do my best to help from my spot here on my parents coach that I havent moved from in at least 7 days.

So when you say this natalee girl will do “whatever you want her to do in the sack” does that mean she’ll blindfold herself with a plaid shirt and drip hot pocket grease down her chest while I eat another hot pocket and watch from a chair across the room? Cause that’s pretty hot dude, you should hang on to her or um better yet send her my way cause I’m getting tired of my old ball and chain. She would definitely never be into a grease fantasy situation unless we’re talking hair grease, then she’d be ALL over that. But microwaved pepperoni grease? NO WAY. Trust me. I’ve tried.

he'll be your number one with a bullet. Loaded gun complex, cock it and pull it

so as much as this girl goes on and on about you totally box-blocking her from meeting me, it’s probably for the best since if what you say is true and she’s nice to the specially-abled folks and is possibly into microwave dinner fetish play than i probably would have stolen her away with my purposely mumble-y british accent and self deprecating humor cause chicks dig that shit man, I know cause they write about it all the time on this blog and well i’ve got a couple friends who could be considered specially abled and like i said grease and chicks? HOT. between you and me, i’m seriously over banging a bag of bones, if natalee’s got some cushion for the pushin then sign me up.

x
rob

ps can your friend put me on the list too? Oh and thanks for the smokes, next time I want your fallout boy tshirt.

*would you believe this letter to Rob Pattinson was actually written by a friend of mine who just happens to be fluent in 14 year old teenager and not really some whackadoo who likes Fall Out Boy? give him some props and let us know what you think about dudes writing rob , how you feel about me knowing fallout boy lyrics and if you’re into hot grease…XO, moon*

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

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Responses

  1. “please dont talk about kristen because natalee gets all pissy and jelous. right, like youd even talk to natalees chunky ass if i didnt get you to. we both know you didnt get with your girl for her acting. man to man.)”

    OMGGGGGGGGG hilars!!!!!!!!!!! I am already second hand embarrassed…should I read on….hells yeah!

    • This letter is a riot!

    • Misty, thanks for the excerpt. I’m not reading all of today’s LTR, I’m too easily second hand embarrassed. Can’t. Do. It. Can’t
      Why Moon? Why?

  2. why I can’t I leave a comment?

    • sorry about that, Monday technical difficulties….

      • That totally happened to me the other day. So I reposted and they both turned up. Then I was embarrassed.

      • It’s Summit’s fault.

  3. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard. Dripping hot pocket grease! Awesome as always, ladies!

  4. Oh. My. Lord.
    That is EFFING HILAR!!!!!!!!!
    Bahahahaha that is totally ace!

  5. How did THAT dude get to meet Rob and yet so many of us (ie, me) haven’t – THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD

    • Oooh weird, double post strangness.

  6. How did THAT dude get to meet Rob and yet so many of us (ie, me) haven’t – THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD.

    Having said that, I think this might be my favourite letter from Rob’s mailbox I have ever seen, due, in most part, to “please dont talk about kristen because natalee gets all pissy and jelous. right, like youd even talk to natalees chunky ass if i didnt get you to. we both know you didnt get with your girl for her acting. man to man.”

    Genius.

  7. Ohh it’s such a pity the letter isn’t real! Rob is the perfect guy for a good boy-to-boy conversation, to offer relationship advice and for accepting all sort of freebies. Guys are missing out.

  8. Are you sure that was written by your “friend” and not Mr. Choice (a.k.a. UC’s husband?) I would question her about that.

    We know he put together a disco version of “Let Me Sign”. He seems to really be in to Rob (if you know what I’m sayin’)

    • Haha, my thoughts exactly! My s/o is still in the ‘if I ignore it long enough, it’ll go away’-phase. Mr Choice seems to have moved on to the ‘if you can’t beat’em, join’em’ phase. Clever man!

  9. I was about halfway through thinking this has to be a wind up – and it was thank the lord !!!. Funny I love it how people who reallly do write “those” kinds of letter never use capitals. When refering to yourself it is I not i !!!!! you know if they were writing the i would have a smiley face over it.

  10. The tags are adorable: “grease” “pete wentz”, hehe.

    Very cute.

    • you know in case people are searching for those two terms simultaneously

      • people of the internet will always surprise you, moonie

        in new and disturbing ways, usually

        • I have a feeling Moon knows this, and is no longer surprised 🙂

  11. “and ill be honest man, she will do whatever thing i want hr to doin the sack so you know how it is”

    Real Rob, please do tell how it is…….we would all be a little interested on this site. Just don’t mention the letters KS, cause some LTR gals can get a little upset with the following letter combination: RP+KS 🙂

    x

    • “cause some LTR gals can get a little upset with the following letter combination: RP+KS”

      BRILLSSSSSSSSSSSSS btw that would totes apply to me 🙂

  12. Thank God. As I was reading this I kept thinking “no, this can’t be..they made this one up..not possible..this has to be fake..please tell me someone did not really send this in!!” Whew.

    Your friend has a real knack for sounding scarily like an illiterate fourteen year old.

    • it’s a bit concerning, no?

  13. Bahahaha! Holy embarassing!

    I loved “and ill be honest man, she will do whatever thing i want hr to doin the sack so you know how it is.”

    He DOES know!

    In related news… I must have had my settings to “email alert” on a post from June because I received an email the other day from “Amanda” (AmanDUH?!?!) asking a million and one questions to Rob. Anyone else get this? I don’t know how UC & Moon deal with more than one of those letters. It creeped me out.

    • Awesome ‘Can’t Hardly Wait’ reference!

    • What questions did AmanDUH ask? You have to tell us!

      • @drsaka, I’ve actually never seen “Can’t Hardly Wait”.. haha, but I’m glad you liked my reference!

        I honestly don’t know if it was her, but there was a whole list of questions.. 15 or something all revolving around Remember Me.

        • ‘AmanDUH’ was uttered by Peter Facinelli (in a very early role). Its a pretty good teen movie with lots of actors that you’ll recognize. And IMHO, the end song can’t get any better, The Replacements with the title song. Give it a try!

  14. I have a feeling it’s not only his little brother who is “learnig disabled.”

    But it’s nice that chunky natalee is sweet to him.

    • well said Heine gal 🙂

    • Down thumb??? Really?

    • hahahaha must run in the family

  15. My eyes are bleeding because of the grammar, my left side is aching from laughing.

    I’m not a pretty sight right now.

  16. Dear the other Rob,
    Funny thing technology is… I’m pretty sure whatever email program you were using has a spell check button. Learn to use it.

    I give you props though for attempting to contact Rob on behalf of your girl, even though you clearly didn’t read through this site and see the point.

    Remember, spell check.
    Hugs,
    Brooke

  17. I fell for it. Totes thought that was a real letter.

    But can you blame me after the crazy shite that turn out to be REAL letters that the lovely Moon and UC have to sift through?

    Hilarious. Every word. The letter, the response, the pictures.

    Most definitely a Monday funny.

    And HERE is a Cullen smile for everyone. Well, not so much a smile as a uncomfortable fake half-smile as you desperately search for the exit. CREEPTASTIC.

    • Holy Crazy Zee!!!! That WAS creeptastic. I died a little inside reading it. Where’s the brain bleach?

    • Ha! Yessssss!

    • Whahaha and also Iewiewiew

    • Um, gross. Oh, and also creeeeeeeeepy!

    • Eeww!!
      Srsly, creeptastic!
      One question though, how in the Hale did you uncover that??

      • Is it so wrong to be looking for some Edward love in Maine?

        Kidding, a blog I read, non-Twi related, wrote about it, and I thought of LTR.

        • You don’t have to make up a cover story. You’re among friends here. It’s ok. 🙂

          • Yeah, we know YOU’RE the “ Edward Seek(ing) Bella in Portland Zees. You don’t have to hide it from us.

          • More like Zees seeking Rob for simple, non-carotid-artery penetration! RAWR!

    • its very disconcerting when the lines between the real crazies and the fake crazies disappear.

      your creeper link – best last line EVER

      • Scary!

  18. *HUGE, sigh of relief*

    The letter is fake. . . WHEW, I just saved a $100 on Hooked on Phonics. For the love of the human race, I was going to send it to rob and his “learnig disabled” brother.

  19. “we both know you didnt get with your girl for her acting. man to man.”

    Funniest. Shit. Ever!

    Thank Christ that this wan’t written my a real manfan, because I would have to hunt him down and kick his and his girlfriend’s asses. It was so hilar—in a completely 2nd hand embarrassing way!

    • manfan hahaha

  20. Moonie…
    I want a “Little Miss FallOutBoy” shirt. Because that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

    Also…
    I hate Fall Out Boy.
    That is all.

    • What she said.

    • google image search has the best finds of all time and that shirt is one of them. awful!

  21. FOR THE LOVE OF ROB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    SERIOUSLY….Is it a requirement that on top of being a delusional tool, you also have to have the inability to spell correctly, use capitalization, or punctuation?!??! It drives me NUTS!! I almost *almost* would love to write them a letter back stating the following:

    Dear Weirdo (aka, the “other” Rob),

    If Rob ever had the chance to meet you, he would probably flick you in the face for being an idiot (and for wearing a Fall Out Boy t-shirt…Seriously. Your shirt should’ve said, ‘I’m A Tool’). In exchange for your idiocy, I am giving you a Leap Frog Learner so you can learn how to spell, and write grammatically correct sentences.
    And if ever see you, I WILL flick you in the face for him.

    A flick to your face,
    Sharpie

    **I know I sound like a total ‘B’, but whatevs. It drives me insane. And it’s Monday. Poor grammar and Monday morning’s just don’t mix.**

    • I am an idiot…I just read the *disclaimer*. Sorry. 😦 I took my crabbiness out on the innocent. *hangs my head in shame*

  22. I’m disappointed that the letter wasn’t real, although 1/2 way through I hard a hard time believing it even though I wanted to/still want to. Nonetheless, it gave me a Cullen laugh – not an easy feat for a Monday morning.

    I can’t help but feel bad for Natalee even though she’s fictional. Chubby bum, missed out on meeting Rob, and has a boyfriend who isn’t even a tiny bit sensitive about her crush over Rob? (Hm this sounds a bit familiar.)

    And seriously what’s up with the grammar and spelling kids use these days? What an eyesore. I’d like to believe that Rob would at least capitalize his “I”s.

    • “I can’t help but feel bad for Natalee even though she’s fictional”
      I have that all the time! I still feel sorry for Susannah that Tristan didn’t want her.

    • Hahaha, I was a little bummed too that it wasn’t real. Still hilarious though!

  23. Thanks for the morning giggles ‘other’ Rob and Moon. This makes my Monday!

  24. LOLLLLLS .. I can’t even type .. I’m dying

  25. I just Couldn’t believe that a guy .. well ANY guy .. will write something like this .. But I thought .. what the hell ANYthing can happen THESE days and I believed you …

    • ohhhh before I read the end I was thinking “ok, now my headache has a headache…” haha and then Moon came in saying it was her friend and then I facepalmed. Darn you Moon! You get me everytime… haha NOT but seriously…

    • i love it when i can trick you! mooohahahaa

  26. GIANT Cullen smile for me. Your friend who is fluent in 14 year old boy RULES! Please tell them that for me. Holy Crap I was squirming with secondhand embarrassment right up until the end!!!

    HOWever, I am sort of in agreement with ‘nataleeeee’, if I may, that any boyfriend that goes outside during a show, meets Rob, shares a smoke and a chat, and doesn’t come running inside to get you to introduce you is a DOUCHE and not sponge-worthy any more. That’s right, no more touching!! Sisters gotta support each other!! Even fake sisters!!! Bahahahaha!

    ..still laughing, that was some funny for the Monday…

    • i love me some seinfeld refrences! LPB you are so sponge worthy

      • I have been totally addicted to Seinfeld reruns every night since my cable box exploded and I am starting to think Who needs cable? I have Seinfeld! Oh right, Project Runway starts this week!!!

  27. The idea of somebody going to Rob for help fixing their relationship is the funniest part of all!

    R.T. Pattinson, Licensed Couples Therapist.
    Helps clients work through their most challenging problems, including celebrity delusions, and helps them realize their potential for doin’ it in the sack.

    • Common delusions would include doin’ it with Rob.

  28. Favourite line: “we both know you didnt get with your girl for her acting. man to man.”
    HAHAHAHA
    That one seriously killed me.. Men writing letters to The Pretty… just awesome!!

  29. “my favrite acter”…high five to men-solidarity!
    doesn’t matter it’s a fake…it was a WIN !lol

    Dear Rob ( the other one),

    Rob (the pretty one) is my favorite “acter”too
    I would so like to see him in a ONE-ACTER during……maybe …5 hours?
    or the whole day or better the WHOLE NIGHT!

    ME

    • My boss told someone that my favorite “acter” was Rob. I’d like to make a correction to that. Right now he’s kinda my favorite everything:

      crush
      fake boyfriend
      comedian
      style consultant
      musician

      What did I miss?

      • the tool, the big hard tool!

        honi, you missed the most important!
        just sayin

        • Yes, he’s the tool…a big ol’ tool ;-). He said so himself.

          Rob, you’re such a cutie pie!

      • LOL. Right now he’s my fake boyfriend too!

        ML, style consultant…ok now we take fashion advice from Rob too. Rob has been a major trendsetter w. the plaid and hobo style.

        • I likes ’em scruffy, SB.

          • and YOU know what that means!lol

      • Tourist guide.
        Next time I go on the Isle of Wight for the festival, I’ll visit some “cult” places in Ventnor, like some pubs he has been to (read all the pubs) and look for pics of drunk people dancing on the tables, I’m sure those places hide treasures.

        ML, how can your boss know about your robssession? I think I might have underestimated your (craziness) dedication. 🙂

        • Minuit,
          Nice to see you here and you did underestimate me. Never underestimate a Rob-crazy.

          I’m “out” with my boss about Rob. She is so sick of hearing about HIM, but she did give me an Edward poster in front of the whole office for my b-day. *blushed a shade of purple*…”purple’s cool”

          • your boss is ok…but pay attention that nobody will do some “artwork” (glasses and mustachio) on it…that’s what happened to my “Robward”…
            NOT funny that guys!
            NOT funny!

          • Was that the one in the drawer? 🙂

          • SB, no the calendar is in the drawer and the poster is at home behind a door. Guess, I’m not completely out. I guess I have a shred of dignity left….

        • minuit ❤
          I may share this tour with you!
          Trust!

          • Yes! And we’ll make sure to add a pic of us to the wall of fame with some very cryptical and witty message like “Rob, call me”. And maybe a boob or two.

          • …and two big hearts!!!

          • haha…or two b “hearts”.

      • Haute cuisine consultant with extensive experience with beer, Hot Pockets and microwaved carrots.

  30. I have missed these letters! I can’t believe I haven’t been on this blog since December! *gasp!*

    Your 14 year-old friend should write a post, Moonie. Maybe he could write about what it’s like to be surrounded by 14 year-old girls who are ROBsessed and total twi-hards. Or, he could tell us what it feels like being 14 and NOT Edward in America today.

    Missed you, ladies!

    • surrounded by 14 yr olds? he might be arrested.

      welcome back marz!

  31. I was shocked, shocked I tell you to discover that this wasn’t an actual letter. It sounds like it could’ve been written by most of the men I work with. lol

    I agree with most of the postings that “other Rob” has a bright future in the “fake letters to Rob” industry.

    Lookking forwerd to moore fake leters from the othr Rob. (sp. intentional)

  32. Wow…this is really, really embarrassing! I’m the one embarrassed for this dude. I have no words. 🙂

  33. I can’t even begin to think of a comment, this was so chuck full of insanity and hilarity…I’m actually shaking.
    “Don’t talk about Kristen” made me piss myself, and “Don’t put me on the list, my friend can get us on”…fall out boy shirts, hot pocket sex antics…this was awesome.

  34. Thanks for putting that *disclaimer in there, because I was getting a bit peeved about yet another person (especially a dude) meeting Rob. Hilar letter!

  35. LMFAO (F = Fat)! That letter was even more amazing that the usual Rob letters. Your friend has a true gift. The spelling just tops it off!

  36. Moon,
    Monday funnies are back!!

    OMG, I am trying not to laugh too hard, because I am at work, but this shit is killing me!!!

    “does that mean she’ll blindfold herself with a plaid shirt and drip hot pocket grease down her chest while I eat another hot pocket and watch from a chair across the room?” LMFAO

    “i probably would have stolen her away with my purposely mumble-y british accent and self deprecating humor cause chicks dig that shit man.”
    Aint that the truth?!?!

    “between you and me, i’m seriously over banging a bag of bones, if natalee’s got some cushion for the pushin then sign me up.” Seriously, Rob, so is everyone else. So is everyone else….

    Love this place!!

  37. Little Miss Fallout Boy t-shirt! ROTFLMAO!

    best part of the letter:

    “thanks,
    rob
    (the other “rob”)”

  38. OK, so I’ve been super-busy lately and haven’t taken the time to comment, but I just have to today.

    This is one of the most effing hilarious things I’ve ever read – props to “other Rob.” It’s right up there with the Nacho Man post, one of my all-time faves!

    You gals (and “other Rob”) ROCK!!!

  39. i’m not sure if you’ve seen how Rob dazzles Snowhite: http://i390.photobucket.com/albums/oo343/rpdaily/gifs/Rpsnowwhit.gif

    %) dazzled….

    • I think I’d pass out if I awoke and found Rob (or multiple Robs) at the foot of my bed. but I’d really like to be conscious if he were to appear!

    • epic win. My favourite of the 7 Robs has to be Angry, second from the right – or is that Constipated? Too many Hot Pockets does have consequences, young man…

  40. I’m so glad that letter was fake….I started having my doubts when he started talking about his girl in the sack. This letter made me definitely not want to visit LA if this represented the douches populating that city. “Rob’s” response was hilarious – hot pocket grease!?!? lol

  41. OMG, that had to be one of the best/funniest letters ever! love the response as well.

  42. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    HOT POCKET GREASE.
    You’re killing me. killing me slowly.

  43. I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I’m busting up. Brilliant.

  44. Dear Moon,

    I read your stuff all the time and I think you are beyond hilar. I’m breaking everything down Vanity Fair-style now, including my furniture. Lotsa splinters.

    So, I’ve never responded to anything (no, wait, I did once), but I just wanted to comment on calling KStew a “bag of bones.” I totally don’t want to get all Afterschool Special on anybody’s ass (or risk the dreaded thumbs-down), but, I don’t know, stuff like that kinda weirds me out. I guess because I have an eating disorder and Kristen is a major trigger. So, kind of just wondering if you, or anyone else, really think she’s THAT thin, or if it’s all in my head or what.

    Aw, way to bring the awkward, Lara. Hope I didn’t totally, like, 1st hand embarrass myself there.

  45. […] Rob’s Mailbag: A dude writes Robert Pattinson and Rob writes back *Since we write a blog called “Letters to Rob” we receieve TONS of emails (yea, sorry it takes a while for […] […]

  46. The actual lyrics are “We’re going down, down in an earlier round” and “A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it” and Fall Out Boy is spelled with a space in between each word. Sorry, just irked me. lol


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